Still Into You

Three faces of awe looked up at me as they tried to absorb everything I told them. I waited patiently with a soft smile on my face. The only girl of my audience opened her mouth, closed it, and opened it again.

"Wow," was all she said at first. Another moment passed and she shook her head, purple and pink hair flying. She ran a hand over her scalp, pushing the hair from her face to expose a small frown. "Nobody ever told me about all that."

"Well no one really asked. Its always been between James and I. I figured he wouldn't mind if I told you three." I let out a smile and chuckled. "And if he does he can take it up with me."

The teen shared a smile with me before we turned our attention back to the younger children. The ten year old and seven year old boys were still silent, looks of concentration etched on their faces. I couldn't help laughing, causing the ten year old to scowl.

"Don't laugh Auntie! Its a lot to think about."

"I'm sorry Gavin," I spoke earnestly. Gavin was Zack's nephew and was over nearly all the time due to Zack living right next door. He was a precious little boy and was going go to grow up to be a real heartbreaker. I turned to the little boy who sat next to Gavin, legs crossed. “How are you doing, Jasper?”

“Okay,” Jasper spoke softly and slowly, still frowning as he stared at the ground. “So when was I born?”

“You were born in 2007. That was a little over a year after Papa and I were married,” I replied. He nodded. I turned to see Zack himself walk through the door. He offered me a smile which I offered back weakly. He noticed the boys’ faces and nodded softly.

“So, you’re done with your story time?” Zack questioned quietly.

“It would seem so. I give them credit, they were very patient and quiet. Not too many questions,” I answered with a grin. Yes, it was forced, but I had to pretend I wasn't as rattled as I felt. Jasper was quiet, thinking everything over. I was afraid what he was going to say when he snapped out of it. What was going through that mind of his? I shouldn't have told him all this at his age. I didn't have the slightest clue of how much he really understood.

“Aunt Sonya.” I jumped slightly, turning to Kenna. She frowned, jabbing a thumb over her shoulder. “Aren't you needing to leave?”

I followed the direction she was pointing to see the clock on the wall. It was fifteen minutes until three. I sighed, pushing myself off the couch. “Yeah, thanks Kenna. C'mon Jasper. Papa's waiting.”

“Okay.” He was suddenly smiling again, hopping off the ground. He gave a hug to Gavin, Kenna, and Zack as I did the same. Once we were done and promised to be back for dinner, Jasper and I walked out of the Baker household, hand in hand. We walked to the black, 1969 Charger. It was James's other baby, besides Jasper and I. Once Jasper was secure in the backseat, I took the driver's seat.

Within ten minutes we were pulling up to our usual spot. In a solemn silence, we exited the car and clasped our hands together again. We pulled to a stop in front of the familiar spot we found ourselves in monthly. I leaned down to carefully arrange myself in a sitting position, Jasper next to me. Gently, he slipped the bouquet of flowers he had grabbed from the car into the circular slot in the middle of the marble stone before us.

“Hi Papa.”

A familiar ache pained my chest as I looked down at Jasper affectionately stroking the words on the tombstone before us. James had passed away a little under six years ago and it didn't hurt any less. The pain was excruciating, more for the fact that I knew Jasper didn't remember the man he took so much after. Being only one when James passed away, Jasper didn't know him on a personal level, like I had hoped he would when he was only a baby. Out of everyone who was affected by James's passing, his own son was the one that seemed the most unsure.

From the videos, pictures, and stories everyone in our exclusive family showed him, Jasper recognized James now. He sometimes didn't understand that he was, in fact, his father though. Jasper simply called him ‘papa’ since that’s what we all associated James as, Jasper's papa. He was also keen to being affection towards the subject of James because he noticed we all were. I could only hope that when he got older, he would come to full comprehension on why he didn't remember his father, but know how much James had loved him.

“Mama?”

“What is is, baby?” I asked, forcibly having to stop my voice from cracking. Jasper looked up at me with that same concentrating face he had worn since I finished my shortened tales of his father and I. McKenna and I had been speaking of her band when Gavin and Jasper (twho were the best of friends) had cornered me, Jasper asking to tell him of his dad again. And he had insisted to tell him everything, not just to short little details of what he was like. He wanted to know it all.

“Can you tell me another story?”

“What about?”

“About Papa dying.” A shiver ran down my spine at the request. ‘Die’, and any conjugate of it, was a word that still made me want to cry. It felt like a force physically slaps me every time someone says that a person had died instead of saying they passed away or moved on. I guess it was my mind still trying to deny that James would no longer breathe or walk among the living. He was six feet down in the ground and his soul was in some kind of afterlife. Jasper noticed the stillness of my body and quickly said, “Sorry.”

“Why do you want to hear that story Jasper? You know Mama doesn't like talking about it,” I murmured. Jasper climbed into my lap sideways, resting his head against my chest. Out of instinct I wrapped my left arm around his waist and used my right hand to pet his short, brown hair.

“Because I want to know it all. I know you like talking about when I was born, but I heard it a million times,” Jasper spoke, exasperated. I knew he had. When he had cautiously tip toed around this story before, I always swung him off course by telling the story of when he was born instead. That story just held happy memories for me. Nothing like the dark demons that came with the retelling of finding my husband dead in our bed. But Jasper was too smart for that and I knew it. I couldn't hide it from him anymore. If I continued to, he’d just get upset and think I didn't trust him.

“Okay Jas, you win. I'll tell you.”

Bright blue eyes that mirrored his father's stared up at me with excitement bubbling in them. “Really?”

“Yes Jasper. I think you're old enough to hear it all,” I forced out. In my head I didn't think so, but my heart argued. As much as I trusted my head with nearly everything I did, I knew my heart was right. How long could I deny it? I could keep trying to ignore the elephant in the room, but sooner or later it was all going to bubble out.

Jasper patiently waited as I collected my thoughts and had to decide where to begin. I wasn't sure where to start. I thought I might have it all chosen by the time this moment came, but I found myself to be anything but ready. I doubt any amount of pep talk could have readied me for this moment. I was really going to tell the highest ranking person in my life how I had lost the only other person to come as high as him. If he had been annoyed by how long it took me to start, he hadn't showed it at all. In fact he only seemed even more excited as I licked my lips, a sign I was finally ready to speak.

“When your papa was young, he was diagnosed with this heart condition called cardiomegaly. It means that he had a bigger heart than people normally did. Your papa used to tell us all, ‘it means I have more room to love people with!’ And even now, I still believe it,” I chuckled.

“Did it hurt him?” Jasper asked worriedly. Jasper definitely took that up from James. He is always concerned with how people are feeling, physically and emotionally. He's the first to notice something is wrong and the first to try and fix it.

“Sometimes,” I answered honestly. “But his doctor gave him medicine that helped that.”

“Like his bipoder?”

“Bipolar, sweetie, but yes.”

“Mama, am I going to be bipolar or cardi...cardi...”

“His heart problems aren't passed like that. But for his bipolar, I don’t know, baby,” I sighed, resting my head on top of his. “Maybe, we don't know for sure though. But if you do, we'll take care of you. All your aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents - we'll all be here for you.”

“You promise?”

“I promise.”

Jasper nodded. “So he took medicine?”

I took this as my cue to continue to story. “Yes. Well it was a few days after your first Christmas. We had to go to Grammy and Poppy's house for most of the day and your papa decided to stay home because he wanted to work on his music. And, since he had been really nice to me all day Christmas, I decided he could stay home.

We ended up staying too late and your grandparents hadn't wanted to me drive home so late. So I called your papa and he told us to stay, afraid for me to drive home too. You see, Mama didn't like to drive in the dark without your papa. It wasn't safe since I used to be scared of the dark. With that, it was settled we'd stay at Grammy's and come back the next morning. And that's what we did. You were still asleep when I unlocked the door and went inside. It was quiet, but your papa was lazy so I thought he slept it.”

“Like me?” Jasper asked, smiling.

“Just like you,” I chuckled. When it was the weekend or a holiday, Jasper was never up before noon. I could try all I liked to get him out of bed, but he would just fall asleep wherever he was. There has been a few times he fell asleep standing as he was brushing his teeth.

I swallowed hard, batting back tears. There was so much of this story that hurt to finally say out loud. Too many doubts had been planted in my head over all these years. If I hadn't been so stupid to not pay attention to time, I could have been home that night and it wouldn't have happened. Could I have prevented my husband being torn away from me so suddenly? Could I had made it so Jasper hadn't had grown up without his father? In the early years those were the thoughts that haunted me, making me rarely sleep. Sometimes they still tormented me in the middle of the night when I was just beginning to believe I had forgotten about them.

“Mama?” Jasper's voice gave me a shudder. I looked down to see him giving me looks of concern. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah sweetie, I'm just - uh - it's a little hard to talk about this next part is all.” I took a deep breath before plowing into it, just wanting to get it out there.

“I left you in the living room as I went to go to our room. I opened the door and saw him lying in bed, the blankets wrapped around him tightly. I walked over and went to kiss him, but I knew something was wrong. I tried to wake him and he wouldn't. Mama knew he passed away, somehow. I called your Uncle Matt and told him. Soon enough all your uncles and the ambulance people were there. To be honest, baby, I don’t remember much of that day. Mama was crying a lot and Aunt Val had to take care of you. I was a wreck,” I admitted.

I knew Jasper didn't know exactly what the phrase meant, but he knew it wasn't good. He hugged me tightly, burying his face in my chest. I rested my forehead on his head, trying to hold back the tears. “What happened to him, Mama?”

“Papa had taken his heart medicine. And it wasn't much, but he had taken alcohol too soon afterwards. It was only a little, but a little was just enough to make it go bad with his medicine. He passed away in his sleep. He didn't feel any pain.”

“That’s good,” Jasper murmured. I nodded, kissing his hair. “Do you still love him, Mama?”

“Of course, baby,” I spoke instantly.

“Why?”

“Because he made me who I am today. If I had never met your papa, I don't know how I would have turned out. I could have been an evil lady like Mother Gothel from that old movie you like. You may have not have been born, and that is something I’m thankful for everyday.” Jasper shivered subconsciously at the thought of the antagonist from the Disney movie Tangled. A light smile forced it's way onto my lips, even though I wasn't in the mood to smile.

“Will you still love Papa even if you have new boyfriends?”

“Where did you hear about what boyfriends are?” I chuckled, looking down at my son.

“Gavin heard Uncle Zacky and Aunt Gena saying you need a boyfriend. McKenna told us what they are,” Jasper spoke, matter of factly. It didn't surprise me that Gavin had heard the two say so. When Jasper was younger the guys didn't pressure me to try anything, knowing I needed time to mourn. But after six years, they knew I was healed enough to be ready to open up to someone again.

The strange thing is that Jasper's question was the same I asked myself sometimes when I was at work, waiting for one of my patients to show for their appointment. Could I ever even get a new boyfriend after James left so tragically? He was all I had known for so many years, could I have anyone else? Somewhere in my heart I knew I could, I knew James would be angry with me if I stayed alone and tortured myself so long for him. No matter what I may think, I couldn't have changed how unfair fate was for me. No matter how long I tried to distance myself from the dating world, it won’t set things right. I was just torturing myself.

“Yes Jasper, I would. But getting a boyfriend is what Papa would want,” I spoke, putting a sternness to it, knowing it was true. “Papa would want us both to be happy. He'd want us to have everything that he couldn't give us from where he is right now.”

“Does he watch over us, Mama?”

“I think so,” I replied. “You know the thunder at night that scares you sometimes?”

“Yes.”

“Well, that's just Papa playing his drums. He doesn't mean to scare you, but it's the only way you can hear him from all the way up there.”

Jasper peered into the sky, probably expecting to see James's face staring down at him. “You should tell him to let me know before he does.”

“Sorry, sweetie. It doesn't always work like that. Papa can't tell me. But if I see rain on the weather, I'll let you know that he might play you a song.”

“Okay.” Jasper seemed happy with that and continued his resting back against me. It was quiet in the cemetery for a while as Jasper and I stared at the tombstone before us.

I finally looked at the watch on my wrist - James's old watch - and frowned. “C'mon Jasper. It's almost five. We need to get back home to go eat with everyone at Uncle Zacky's.”

“Okay, Mama.” He climbed to his feet and stepped back so I could rise up too. Jasper paused for a moment, kneeling down in front of James's grave. My heart swelled as he kissed his palm then placed it on the marble. “I love you, Papa, and I'm going to make sure Mama's always happy.”

I kneeled next to him, hugging him so he stood between my knees. I kissed my right index finger and middle finger before pressing it to his stone. “I love you James Sullivan, never forget that.”

And with that Jasper and I grasped hands again and set off to our vehicle. My heart was significantly lighter than it had been in the last six years that I had lived without my beloved husband beside me. I knew, wherever James was, he could finally rest in peace. He knew I wouldn't put myself into emotional solitude anymore. But he also I would love him and I was always going to, no matter who else I fell in love with.

And he would always be the crazy man with an orange kimono that stole my heart.