Status: I am not taking this down, but it is hiatus for a short moment.

Caraphernelia

six

Hold my heart it's beating for you anyway


I sat there watching him with a close eye as he talked about going on a tour and the music he was waiting to write. I sat there with scorching eyes as he looked straight into me with that stupid adorable smile. I felt betrayed, and what's worse than that?

Him pretending that he doesn't even know anyone by the name of Natalie. He hasn't bothered to ask for him phone. I considered the fact that I could be overreacting over nothing. But when a girl texted the guy that you liked, it was on until you knew what who she was and why the hell she loved him.

"You're being quiet," he said as he threw that irresistible look my way. I turned away from him, looking down at my hands.

"Yup."

"What's wrong?" I could hear the concern in his voice, but at this point, it was deciphering whether it was real or not.

"Nothing."

"Mindy, don't hide your feelings from me. You made evident last night that you felt something. What happened?"

I cleared my throat, looking to Lucy. She was sitting next to Neil, holding his hand and smiling. I didn't want to ruin her bubble of happiness, even though before the date last night she was a little on the bitchy side.

"Come with me," I said, standing up and setting my phone on the table. I made sure to grab his phone from beneath my thigh and tucked it in the palm of my hand. He didn't question me; Jeremy stood up from where he was sitting across from me and followed me outside to the patio. It was a great view of the beach, almost calming. But I didn't want to be calm right now. I wanted to be right. I wanted him to admit to having a girlfriend.

Sure, it would hurt like hell. It would feel like I had gotten punched in the throat and abdomen. But I didn't care. If he was going to lie to me, I was going to call him out on it.

"What's wrong, Mindy?" He turned me around, placing both of his hands on my arms. He looked deep into my eyes. I stared into his beautiful brown orbs before I forced myself to look away. I had called him out here. I couldn't be a fool. I was a strong woman.

I cleared my throat once more, looking up at him. "Who's Natalie?" I watched his facial features change from concerned to worried to weirded out to humorous. It pissed me off that he had even started laughing.

"Natalie is my eight-year-old niece."

"That knows how to text?"

And just like that, his laughter stopped. Jeremy looked down at me. I couldn't tell if he was just being serious or pissed. "You...you read my messages?"

"Well, Jeremy, I was just waking up and felt something vibrate on my ass. Of course I checked to see what it was."

"So, you just went ahead and snooped on me?"

"It wasn't like I could hide it. It was there on the screen."

"Why would you even look?"

I was silent. I didn't know why I looked. I guessed it was just instinct. I couldn't tell him that, though. He would laugh in my face, so I shrugged. "I don't know."

"Can I have my phone?" He wouldn't look at me.

"How do you know I have it?"

He didn't say anything. He just felt down to my hands, felt his phone, took it, and left. He didn't look back; he didn't say anything. He just left. I didn't know what to feel at that point. If he was going to walk out on me before I even knew he liked me, then it would never work. I needed to leave it that. I needed to stop imagining some perfect world where things just worked with no arguments and no problems. Things just worked, and that was that.

Unfortunately for me, nothing was ever going to be that way. I was going to have to fight for this. I was going to have to stop being so damn hardheaded and listen. I was going to have to trust. Trusting people was something I was never good at. I learned a few years back when I had my first real boyfriend. I was with that boy for more almost two years until I caught him in the act. He was taking a different girl to the movies when I was working. He looked dead at me, walked to my aisle, and said, "Hey, babe. How about a drink?"

I felt my heart breaking, but I pushed it all down long enough to ask who the girl was. I knew exactly who she was. She wasn't me. I just wanted him to admit it. He never did until after the movie. I went home after my shift, laid in bed, and cried myself to sleep. I was also listening to Jeremy that night.

I looked back inside, deciding it was time for me to go. I didn't want to stay in case Jeremy came back. I didn't know where I was going to go. I couldn't go back to my parents. They would scoff at me, telling me they told me so. They wouldn't even welcome me in with tender love and care. They would worry about what they wanted and not me.

I could go back to Lucy's place, but that left me to secluded until Jeremy left to go somewhere. I didn't mind that plan because it wasn't like Lucy's parents would ask what was going on. They would figure out, or I would tell them. I couldn't imagine Jeremy spilling about our argument, if you'd even call that an argument.

My last option was just to walk on the beach. I didn't have to worry about anyone following me. I didn't have to worry about talking to anyone. It would just me and music. I walked back inside, going for my purse and grabbing the small iPod and ear buds. Lucy and Neil were nowhere to be seen, but I heard them giggling in a room in the far end of the house. I didn't want to know what they were doing so I exited the house and made my way down the trail to the beach. I passed the people and walked to the edge of the beach where the wives came to the sand. I loved to walk along the ocean with nothing to bother me. I felt calm the moment my feet met the water. It was helping, but I needed more than the water. I turned on the iPod and clipped it to the sleeve of the t-shirt I was wearing. A small smile formed when the music flowed, and I was finally calming down.

The only thing I could think of while walking was Jeremy. It left me wondering if I was being ridiculous or not. I didn't know, but a part of me did. A part of me that I didn't know if I was ready to let out yet.
♠ ♠ ♠
This chapter was inspired by "Let Live" - Of Mice & Men.