Stay, Stay, Stay

I was already six drinks in by the time we headed to church. I’d never been good at holding my liquor and that night was no exception. After loudly explaining how very important it was that my family keep my relationship a secret, I crawled up the stairs to get dressed, giggling the whole time. Sidney followed behind like a skilled child minder chasing a wobbly toddler.

“I’m going to nap,” I proclaimed upon reaching the top of the stairs, then lay flat on the wood floor on my stomach.

“Nope, you’re going to get dressed,” he stood above me and hooked his arms under mine, hoisting me to a standing position.

“But I’d rather nap,” I whined and flopped back into him.

“You can nap in church,” he whispered in my ear and kissed my cheek.

When we finally got to my room I promptly pulled my sweater over my head and tried to seductively slide out of my pants, the attempt resulted in me tripping and falling onto the bed in a very ungraceful manner.

“Let’s focus more on getting dressed and less on giving me a show, okay?” Sid chuckled and unzipped my suitcase. “What do you want?” he motioned to my neatly folded clothes.

“You,” I laughed and rolled over on the bed.

“To wear, Beatrice, I meant what do you want to wear,” he rolled his eyes and shook his head, still smiling.

It took some help from Sid, but eventually I was dressed in a black dress with green tights. I pulled my hair into a ponytail and tried to pretend I was sober. I figured no one could scold me too badly for showing up to church tipsy, I mean they served wine in the middle of the service anyway, I just had a head start on everyone. It took everything I had to keep it together while the priest told the story of the first Christmas. Not because it was particularly amusing, I’d heard it a few time before, but because everything was spinning and in my mind, mass had become a simulation video game. I held on to Sidney’s hand tightly and allowed my mind to drift off. I thought about how nice it was to be around my family, how much I wanted cake, and how lucky I was to have not puked on myself yet. It felt like forever, but finally we were sent off into the night to spread the word. We’d rather successfully avoided drawing attention to ourselves and snuck out the backdoor before anyone could approach Sidney for an autograph and question why he wasn’t with his own family.

When we arrived back at the house I made a beeline for the untouched snow on the frown lawn. My mother called after me confused but I ignored her and instead fell backwards into the fresh, crisp snow, fanning my arms and legs out attempting to create the perfect snow angel. I closed my eyes feeling the cool surface beneath, snowflakes fluttered from the black sky and landed softly on me. It all felt too perfect. I opened my eyes to find Sidney standing above me, his lips curved in a smirk. Without saying anything I reached up to him, he bent down and took my mittened hands in his, he assumed he was helping me up, instead I pulled him down into the snow with me. He cried out, more with laughter than anger and rolled closer to me. We lay silently watching the snow fall, feeling the frosty wind on our exposed cheeks. There was a comfort in our silence that I had never experienced, a certain stillness that communicated for us and wrapped us in its warmth. When I looked over at him, he was already facing me, his cheeks rosy and the tip of his nose red from the cold. Snowflakes had landed on his eyelashes and even though my legs were wet and cold I’d have been happy to spend the rest of my life laying in the snow next to him.

Christmas went by in a blur as it usually does. A whirlwind of family, food, and conversation. Because of our rushed departure I’d completely forgotten to pack the gift I’d been hiding in my closet for a month. When I realized that night that I’d forgotten it I nearly cried. Sidney, of course, was perfectly understanding and I made him promise not to give me my gift until we got home. He reluctantly agreed and we crawled into bed, having spent our first, of what would be many Christmases together.

I had yet to tell Sidney, but I one tradition each time I returned to the Island. When we woke up two days after Christmas I decided it was the perfect day to revisit old memories and after making a few calls I told Sidney to be ready to leave in half an hour and left out the details. I didn’t bother getting dressed up, this kind of event wasn’t one that required makeup. Instead I pulled on a pair of yoga pants and a sweater and laced up my winter boots. I borrowed my mum’s car and we set off into the city.

“So you’re not going to tell me anything?” he asked, turning down the radio which I had blasting.

“Nope, I sure am not,” I smirked and kept my eyes on the road.

“Not even a clue?” he persisted.

“We’re almost there, you’ll find out soon enough.” I reached across, squeezing his hand. I knew perfectly well that Sidney didn’t like being kept in the dark. His controlling tendencies were as prevalent off of the ice as they were on. He liked to be the one with the plan in his mind. A natural born leader.

He sighed and shook his head.

I parked behind what looked like a normal house and cut the engine. I’d purposely avoiding passing the front where Sidney was sure to notice the sign that specified what kind of business was run inside. We entered the shop through the back door, I’d been there a time or two and the owner had agreed to open just to see me. The familiar scent of disinfectant filled my nostrils. The heavenly mixture of Bactine, green soap, plastic packaging, and cleaning supplies made me grin. Sid eyed me suspiciously and I took his hand in mine, leading him into the main room. The floor was black and white checkered and the walls were painted red. Sketches and sample pieces hung everywhere.

“Travis?” I called from the edge of the room.

A tall man with his hair in a pony tail appeared in the doorway of one of the adjacent rooms. He smiled at me held his arms open “Beast! How’s it going?”

“Good!” I smiled back at him, giving him a quick hug. “Just home for Christmas.”

“Right, you were saying. This must be your top secret?” He motioned to Sid who stood awkwardly behind me. He’d been glaring at me seconds before Travis had appeared.

“This is Sidney” I introduced them. “I guess you can see why I didn’t want anyone else around,” I blushed. I’d known Travis for most of my life and quickly learned he was someone who could be trusted.

“Don’t worry about it Beast. It’s good to meet you Sidney, Travis.” The two men shook hands. Sidney still giving me weird looks. “So what do you have in mind?” Travis motioned for us to join him in the room. It was equipped with an adjustable exam table, sink, and of course a tattoo machine.

“Nothing fancy,” I pulled a sketch out of my bag and handed to him.
He looked at it for a few seconds then asked where I wanted it. I pointed to a spot on my side what had yet to be filled. “Five minutes,” he said and got up leaving us in the room. I could tell he was already in creative mode and had gone to draw the piece for me.

“What the hell are we doing here?” Sidney hissed from his spot near the door.

“I figured you wouldn’t come if I told you what my plan was,” I smiled and placed my hand on his chest.

“You’re not expecting me to...” he stopped and glanced at the machine in the middle of the room.

“Not if you don’t want to,” I reassured him.

“I don’t.” He said all too quickly. “How do you still have room?” He pointed to my side.

“It’s not that big. Besides this side is pretty clear, it’s the other one that has the bigger piece.” I pulled up by shirt to show him.

“Isn’t that kind of close to your... er...chest,” he sputtered, face getting red.

“I guess,” I hadn’t really thought about it.

“And this guy is going to be touching you? You’re okay with that?”

“Y’know that piece on my hip that goes from my pelvis to my bum?” I pointed to the side I was referring to.

He nodded, having spent many hours looking at my unclothed flesh.

“Travis did that one. He’s pretty used to touching people in awkward places.” I tried to sound comforting.

“I guess if it doesn’t bother you I can’t really say anything about it.”

I groaned and leaned up so my face was closer to his. “I love it when you talk like that. All aware that I’m the owner of my own body.” I kissed him, running my tongue along his bottle lip. He placed his hands on my lower back and I leaned my body against his.

He pulled away before things could get too heated. Although making it in a tattoo shop had always been on my to-do list, history had shown that it would take more than three minutes. I pouted and returned to my seat on the table.

Sid sat patiently watching as Travis inked the new image into my side. It was mildly uncomfortable but I’d endured worse. I couldn’t do much talking and had given Sid my phone as some form of entertainment while I closed my eyes. He’d spent a few minutes playing with it but quickly got frustrated with the touch screen, a feature his archaic cellphone lacked, and placed it on the table beside him.

“Does it hurt?” he asked studying the rapidly moving needle plunging into my skin.

“Mmhm,” I replied, eyes still closed.

“Worse than the others?” he stroked the side of my face with one of his fingers.

“No,” I said softly.

“I’m almost done,” Travis added. I felt some relief as he squired Bactine onto my open skin. The numbing agent helping to ease some of the burning.

“You’re phone keeps buzzing,” Sid pointed out.

“Just leave it, I’ll worry about it later.”

After the final colour had been added, Travis directed me to the full length mirror to inspect his handwork. It was perfect. Much nicer than the sketch I had given him to work with.

“Does it mean something?” Sid asked, standing behind me.

“Of course!” I looked at him in the mirror. I explained that the compass represented navigating my way through life and it was pointed north to represent Canada and always moving forward.

“I like that,” he smiled.

Travis covered the new ink with a bandage and I paid after catching up for a few minutes. I found it interesting to hear about the lives of people I’d gone to high school with. It had been less than a decade since graduation but already we were on different paths. I silently thanked a high power that I’d gotten out when I did as Travis told me about the latest scandal involving the girl who was crowned prom queen and her husband being convicted of fraud. I was so far removed from everyone and I would have had it any other way.
I said goodbye, promising Travis a place to stay if he ever went stateside and left.The cold winter air stung my cheeks as I ran across the parking and dove into the unlocked vehicle, only to find it was just as cold inside. I groaned and turned the ignition on, cranking the heat as high as it would go.

“It’s colder here, isn’t it?” I looked at Sidney who had his arms crossed around him, shivering.

“Easily by fifteen degrees, I can’t remember ever being this cold in Pittsburgh.” He leaned across the gearshift and wrapped his arms around my shoulders trying to warm me up.

“As much as I miss living here, I don’t miss this, I swear I’m frozen right down to my bones.” I complained, nuzzling my face into his neck.

“It’s that wet cold. Blame the ocean,” he laughed.

The car started to reach a more reasonable temperature and it felt safe to rely on my own body heat. I pulled out of the parking lot and suggested we grab dinner at a diner in the next town. The heat on high, the music at a singable level, we set off to explore the Island and get some much needed alone time. Between my parents and extended family we hadn’t had any uninterrupted time together. Not that time alone in my parents’ house would fit the bill anyway, when I’d tried to start something after everyone had gone to sleep Sidney shied away. At first I’d been deeply offended until he explained that it felt very wrong to have sex when my parents were across the hall. I had to respect his opinion, even if I thought it was ridiculous and left me with an itch I couldn’t scratch.

“Your phone is still vibrating,” he said as we headed out of town.

“It’s a good thing you grabbed off of the table because I didn’t even realize it wasn’t in my purse.” I laughed shaking my head.

He tilted his hips up and dug the phone out of his pocket, the floral case looking a bit odd in his big hands. “You have 5 unread messages,” he informed me, typing in my passcode to read them. “2 from Simon, 1 from Serena, 1 from your mum, and 1 from Helen.”

“What do they say?” I glanced over, confused that I’d managed to get 5 messages in less than an hour.

“Helen’s says: Rumbling in my abdominal area, please being your journey to witness my dilation process. Simon’s says: B-day! Get here STAT. The second says: This is kind of a BIG- in capital letters- deal. Your mum’s says: Don’t know if anyone has told you but Helen is in labour.” He looked up at me smiling. “Oh, and Serena says: Hey KittenTits, Luna and I miss you, hope you’re getting the D.”

“Holy shit!” I stared at him wide eyed, gripping the steering wheel.

“Does Serena know that I’m a forward?” he laughed, resting his hand on my leg. “Better yet, can I call you KittenTits? I like that...”

“Oh my god!” I took a deep breath trying to process everything. “Wait... what?” I looked over at him, his comments sinking in. “No, no one is allowed to call me that. And D means...” I realized I was wasting time when I should already be at Helen’s side. “Oh fuck, what if we miss it? What if I miss the whole thing?” I pressed my foot down a little harder on the gas.

“I’m no expert but I think these things take a few hours,” Sidney rubbed his thumb in circles on my thigh, but offered little comfort. “Besides, they’re not even at the hospital.”

The drive felt like it took forever even though I was 20km over the speed limit the whole time. Sidney tried to talk to me but I couldn’t form proper sentences. Despite my extensive training in emergency situations I was a bit of a spaz when it came to my own life. Someone cracks their head open on the ice? No problem let me get my suture kit. My sister-in-law is in labour? Well it’s a damn miracle I can even drive straight. I pulled into Simon and Helen’s driveway and raced into the house, neglecting to turn the car off. Also forgetting that I had a new, very tender tattoo on my side.

“Did I miss it?” I shrieked, running through the front door and into the living room.

“We haven’t even gotten into the water yet,” Helen looked up at me from her position lying on the floor.

“You said STAT,” I whined at Simon. I bent down to unlace my boots.

“Well I don’t know how long these things take,” he replied in defense.

Sidney came in behind me, holding the keys in his hand. “I told you there was no reason to speed. You’re a terrifying driver.”

I glared at him and rolled my eyes. I was about to argue that I’d been the one driving us around for the past few weeks and we’d survived just fine, but decided against it.

“Is there anything I can do?” I gently lowered myself to the floor next to Helen, who still looked radiant and put together.

“I think I’m good right now. The contractions are about seven minutes apart, I’m only four or so centimeters dilated.” She grinned, now on her knees, rocking back and forth.

I looked at her anxiously, floored by her calm demeanor. “Are you sure?” I clutched her hand.

“How about you make something for dinner?” My mother suggested, coming behind me and resting her hand on my shoulder. “I brought some sandwich stuff, and frozen soup you can defrost.”

I nodded eagerly and leapt to my feet. Sidney followed me to the kitchen and pulled me into a tight hug.

“I can’t tell if you’re terrified right now or just really excited?” he whispered into my hair.

“I can’t either,” I replied, pulling him tighter against me. We stayed like that for a few minutes, allowing my heart rate to return to a reasonable rhythm. His body against mine was a calming force I’d never had. I wondered briefly how one person could cause the most intense butterflies and moments later make me feel relaxed and rational. I chalked it up to magic and set off preparing the sandwiches.

“So, uhm,” Sid began, looking at the solid form of soup melting in the pot in front of him. “Is there a reason there is an inflatable swimming pool in the living room?” he asked awkwardly.

“She’s having a water birth,” I said, not recognizing anything abnormal about that statement.

“A what?” he crinkled his brow and looked at me perplexed.

“A water birth. Y’know, when the baby is born in a pool of water?”

“I didn’t know people did that,” I admitted. “Is that safe?”

“Safer than most drugged up hospital births,” I scoffed, putting a second piece of bread on the sandwich I’d be crafting.

“Wait, so she’s not going to the hospital? She’s having the baby in the living room?” He looked even more bewildered.

“Yes, Sidney.” I laughed. “She’s having a home birth, there aren’t any midwives on the island so technically my father is supervising the birth, but he doesn’t really do anything, he’s just around incase there is an emergency. It’s a bureaucratic myth that women need drugs and hospitals to give birth. The body knows what it’s doing.” I could feel myself getting a bit preachy. “Sorry, I just feel really strongly about women having options.”

“Don’t worry, I’m used to your feminist fueled speeches,” he teased. “It’s kind of hot.”

“I don’t know whether to be flattered or not.”

“Be flattered?” he shrugged, stabbing at the soup brick with a wooden spoon. “Wait, so does this mean you plan to have our children in the living room?” concern creeping across his face.

“I haven’t really been planning our children,” I lied. I’d thought about it more than once. How they’d have his smile and my eyes, his work ethic and my creativity. But I wasn’t willing to admit that.

“Oh me neither,” he looked down at his hands, awkwardly avoiding my gaze.

“I’m more focused on practicing,” I moved closer to him, sneaking one of my arms around his waist.

“Practicing?” he asked, eyebrow raised.

“Yeah, practicing without the procreation,” I winked and slid my hand down to his bum.

“I think I’m okay with that,” he smirked and kissed me lightly. “I think we should schedule some practice time as soon as we get back to the states,” his face inches away from mine. I would have been happy to practice right there on the kitchen floor but Simon interrupted our moment, looking for food. I reminded myself that I’d gone longer and went back to my sandwiches.

It felt like forever by the time Helen reached ten centimeters. After we’d all eaten and spent a few hours reminiscing I felt my eyelids getting heavier and my spot on the couch becoming increasingly comfortable. With Sid’s arm around me I wanted nothing more than to fall asleep with my head on his chest, but I was too anxious to keep my eyes closed for long, worried I would miss the birth.
At 11:20pm Helen started to push. Sidney, John, and Andy politely excused themselves and went down to the basement, far away from the noise and bodily fluids. While I was eager to witness everything, I couldn’t blame them for wanting to stay out of the way. I watched Helen move around the warm pool of water, her bikini top tight against her heaving chest. I was enchanted by her instinctive movements, her hips rocking and her breathing deep. Simon sat beside me, stunned and nervous while my father read the paper across the room. Helen had stated early on that she didn’t want any help unless it was life or death and we respectfully stood by, praying it wouldn’t come to that. 12:53am on December 28th I watched Simon reach into the water and catch my first nephew. His wrinkly little body pressed against Helen’s chest, my brother climbed into the water with them, despite still wearing his clothes. It was around that time that I started crying. I continued to weep as they cut the umbilical cord, delivered the placenta, and wrapped Felix Gideone Keller in a warmed blanket.

When everything was cleaned up, Sid and my brothers joined us.

“We won tonight,” Sid whispered, sitting beside me on the couch.

“That’s awesome,” I smiled, wiping my eyes with my sleeve.

“I thought it was exciting, but not enough to cry over,” he pulled me into him laughing softly.

“I can’t stop,” I sobbed into his chest, wrapping my arms around his neck. “I haven’t been able to hold him yet because I can’t stop shaking.” I was half laughing as I continued to whimper.

Sidney didn’t say anything, instead he just held me against him as I let the flood of emotions wash over me. I was still sniffling as Simon placed the bundled baby in my arms. His tiny face scrunched and red, he opened his inky blue eyes and looked up at me. I choked back more tears and ran my finger across his cheek, his skin was smooth with tiny hairs. I held him against me until my mother suggested we give Helen some privacy. I reluctantly returned Felix to Simon and after congratulating the new parents Sidney and I headed out into the cold night.

We drove home in silence, I couldn’t form words or think about anything but the tiny baby I’d just welcomed into my life. My heart ached at the thought of leaving him and my family, and I marvelled at the reality that one little person had caused such a flood of emotion. I’d once regarded myself as a relatively levelheaded person who saved tears for the most tragic of events, but more and more I could see Sidney was breaking down the walls I had carefully crafted to protect myself. For the first time, I was okay with that.