Stay, Stay, Stay

It started during the national anthem, halfway through O’Canada the camera panned across Sidney and I felt the muscles in my abdomen clench frantically, sending a searing pain throughout my body. I’d been expecting it, but was still taken aback by the sudden appearance of a strong contraction. I’d woken up that morning feeling perfectly fine, ready to watch the boys take on Ottawa at home, but by the time Sidney returned home after the morning skate I knew I wasn't going anywhere. I’d spent the morning in and out of the bathroom and something inside me felt off. Not off in a way that had me in an anxiety ridden panic, just different. I struggled to fall asleep beside Sidney as he took his game day name, instead tossing and turning, unable to get comfortable. Despite his warm body beside me I kept shivering, little involuntary convulsions that seemed to have nothing to do with being cold.

Giving up on sleep I tried to slip out of the bed without waking Sidney and tiptoed across the room to the shower. Stripping off my shirt I turned on the hot water and let the steam fill the room. Once again I found myself on the toilet, unimpressed with my digestive system when I saw my first real clue; a thick mucousy chunk streaked with browning blood. Under any other circumstance I’d have been horrified to find such a disgusting wad come out of me, but at around 40 weeks pregnant and officially full term I was ecstatic.

“Sidney!” I called, pulling up my underwear and flushing the toilet. I pulled open the bathroom door to find him sitting on the edge of the bed, rubbing sleep from his eyes.

“What’s wrong?” he looked at me alarmed, an obvious spurt of panic growing in him.

“I just lost my plug!” I cried excitedly, ignoring the fact that I was standing there without a shirt on.

“What?” he looked dumbfounded, completely out of his area of expertise.

“The big glob of goo in my cervix that keeps it all infection free in there,” I grinned and clapped my hands together like a giddy toddler.

“That sounds disgusting,” Sidney wrinkled his nose and shook his head slightly.

“It was, but it’s wonderful! It means I won’t be pregnant forever. At some point soon I’m going to expel the child and we’ll be real live action parents!”

“Wait, like now? Does it mean you’re in labour?” he sprung up from the bed and rushed towards me. He placed the back of his hand on my forehead then took my hands in his. “Are you okay? Do you want anything? Should I call Clem?”

“Honey, I said at some point soon not right away. It could be weeks or it could be days.”

“Okay but it’s a good thing?” he clarified, still looking a little pale.

“Am I not being enthusiastic enough?” I laughed.

“We’re going to have a baby in a matter of days or weeks?” he grinned.

“Hopefully days,” I squeezed his hands. “I want you here.”

“I’ll be here,” he looked me dead in the eyes. “I promise. I refuse to miss this.”

“Good,” I kissed him softly, knowing perfectly well that he could keep promises like that. He wasn’t in the position to promise his presence, but the gesture gave me a warm feeling of protection. “Come shower with me before I steam the wallpaper off of the wall in there,” I giggled with a shiver and pulled him into the bathroom, kicking the door closed behind me.

There were flutters all day, the feeling of movement from inside and a strange tightness that told me it wouldn’t be weeks. By the time I sat down to watch the game my back had been aching for hours and excited anticipation was coursing through my body. I considered calling Sidney when I felt the first tightening, but didn’t want to throw him off his game. It could take hours before labour even started, it wasn’t worth distracting him this early.

By the first puck drop at centre ice I’d called Clem for the second time that day, informing her that I thought things might be getting started. Hearing I was home alone she dropped everything and made her way to the house. At first intermission I was still alone and the contractions were still at least ten minutes apart, but I was lonely. Luna had run off to hide in the laundry room when I approached her and the plane with Big Bea and my mother hadn’t even left Charlottetown yet. Serena answered after two rings and sped over, arriving before Clem.

“How’s it going?” She called from the front door, walking in casually with a bag of take out in hand.

“Pretty good, just in labour. You?” I called back, eyes glued to the game. It was 1-0 for Ottawa but we’d had a couple of amazing shots.

“So unperturbed,” she laughed, dropping the paper bag on the coffee table and sitting beside me. “I thought you might be hungry. I don’t know how this all works, but I think I’d be hungry.”

“Hero,” I grinned at her and reached into the bag pulling out a grilled chicken sandwich.

“I was going to get you a bacon double but it seemed wrong to bring junk food to something like this,” Serena chuckled and took her own sandwich out.

“Probably for the best,” I took a bite. “I’ve been in the bathroom all day.”

“That’s hot,” she laughed.

Clementine arrived at the start of the third, carrying her containers filled with labour assisting goodies. Serena rushed to help her with the bins as I felt another contraction well up inside me just ten minutes after the last like clock work.

“Are you good?” Clem appeared in front of me. “Are you breathing?”

“Yeah,” I took a half breath and tried to smile. The pain was manageable, uncomfortable but nothing that had me screaming out death wishes or cursing the man who impregnated me. It ended as Pittsburgh scored and I let out an excited cry, throwing my fist in the air and startling Clem who was still crouched at my feet.

“So I take it the pain isn’t overwhelming?” She teased and went back to her bins, taking out a foldable table and setting it up in the corner. The containers seemed endless as I watched her pull out blankets, towels, sterile equipment, and an oxygen machine. Gloves, sponges, a fetal doppler, and various other hospital supplies appeared in my living room and watched her put everything into place as if she was casually decorating.

“I’m going to prep the bedroom and I think we should set up the pool too,” Clementine spoke, more to Serena than me. I felt a little useless sitting on the couch watching them move the furniture out of the way and convert our living room into a birthing oasis. “I want you to drink this, it’s important you keep your fluids up,” she placed a jug of cold water in front of me with a pink swirly straw sticking out of the top. It all reminded me of the week I had the chicken pox when I was five, everyone around me was actively doing something and I was stuck on the couch doing as I was told.

“I think I should call and have someone make sure Sid heads right home,” I said aloud to no one in particular. The score was tied with five left in the game and I’d noticed Haley wasn’t behind the bench.

“Bea!” Haley sang through the phone. “How are you!? I miss you!” she gushed.

“Hi, I’m good. Look can you do me a favour and make sure Sidney heads home right after the game?” I said, skipping the chit chat and feeling another contraction start to swell inside me.

“Sure, do you want me to get him a message on the bench? I can go get him now if you need me to!”

“No,” I said through clenched teeth. “Just…” the pain hit its peak and I let out a long breath, waiting for it to pass before continuing. “Just tell him when he gets off the ice that I need him home.”

“Ohmygod, you’re in labour!” she squealed.

“Yeah,” I chuckled awkwardly. I felt bad knowing she knew before Sidney did, he was going to learn that his child was on its way into the world from my replacement.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to tell him right away?” her tone softened from its high pitched shriek.

I briefly considered it, I wanted him home with me so badly, but my reasoning was more selfish than logical. It could be hours before the baby came and there was no use hauling him off of the ice just to come here and wait with me. Haley promised to tell him as soon as he was off and wished me luck before hanging up.

It seemed like a cruel joke that the game would go into overtime on the one night I needed Sidney home, a great big ‘fuck you’ from the universe. We sat as the birthing pool inflated, watching overtime and praying it wouldn’t come to a shootout. Clem had patiently put off examining me until after the game and I could see she was starting to get eager.

“Is this normal?” she asked, having made it clear to us from the beginning that she has no interest in hockey.

“No, the game is typically three twenty minute periods but if the game is tied they go into a sudden death over time,” I explained. “If they still don’t score it will go to a shoot out.”

“Right,” she nodded, checking the pressure on the air pump and making herself busy.

Another contraction began as they were on the offensive, pushing past the Senators d-men, I took slow breaths and tried to focus on the puck instead of the pain that was ripping through my lower abdomen and radiating throughout my body. It was harder, more intense than the contractions before but I refused to let it take over my senses. I kept my eyes glued to Sidney’s image on the screen praying he would end the game and come home to me. It was as if he heard me, a fake pass and a hard shot, the puck flew over the goalie’s shoulder and into the back netting, signalling an end to the game and an overtime win. I watched them celebrate, the contraction winding down now and as the camera panned to the tunnel as they left the ice I saw Haley waiting, the news sitting on the tip of her tongue like a heavy bomb she couldn’t wait to drop. The camera stayed long enough for me to see him lean down to her, her arms flailing wildly as she spoke in his ear. And as it zoomed back to the ice I saw him jump a little and run to the locker room, tossing his gloves off.

I was three centimetres dilated when I finally let Clem examine me. Compared to the one I’d been just few days prior at our appointment, I was pretty impressed with my uterus. She wrote something down on her clipboard then smiled, gesturing for me to put my pants back on. I waddled back into the living room where Serena sat supervising the pool being filled.

“You have no idea how badly I want to get in that right now,” Serena chuckled, sitting on the couch and eyeing the water level rising in the giant blue tub. 

 “I’d say go for it, but Clem might beat you,” I sat carefully beside her taking my time to avoid any sudden movements. 



“I’m not going to risk it, she scares me.”



“Then I guess she’s doing her job,” I smiled.

“Good point,” she nodded. “So what now? Do you want to watch a movie? Or do a puzzle? I don’t know how this works, I’ve never had a natural labour.” She said it so nonchalantly but her words ripped through me. It’s wasn’t that I’d forgotten about Sara, but I’d forgotten about the experience. The idea that this could be painful to her hadn’t even entered my mind,

“Are you okay to be here? Because I understand if this brings back memories,” I turned to her. “If you feel uncomfortable you don’t have to stay…”

“Don’t be silly,” she interrupted me, taking my hands in hers. “I want to be here. If I didn’t want to be with you I wouldn’t have stayed.”

“Good,” I squeezed her hands. “Because I really want you here. The game like just ended and I’m already kinda bored.”

Knowing Sidney would be about an hour factoring in game day traffic and the distance, we settle in to watch one of the the seven DVDs I had stacked next to the TV in preparation. Perhaps that was why I could feel the boredom creeping in, because I had done all the preparation I could possibly do for this day. I had a clear and precise birth plan, an outline of what I was comfortable with and what I wanted to avoid, which had been approved by Clem. We’d finished the nursery weeks ago, all of the clothes were freshly laundered and folded neatly in the dresser, or hung in the closet. The crib was assembled— although we didn’t plan on using it for a while since we had the co-sleeping bassinet that attached to our bed. Toys, books, and decor were placed perfectly around the room, including the first edition Beatrix Potter Sid had bought me our first Christmas together which was displayed on its own shelf. I had made meals for the next few weeks and frozen them, gone grocery shopping a few days ago, and cleaned the house from top to bottom. There was nothing left to do but have the baby. I’d even prepared for that. The stack of DVDs wasn't my only activity planned, I also had three books, seventeen meditation podcasts, four playlists I’d made myself, and everything that I’d ever found comfort in, including my favourite quilt, the inflated exercise ball, and a dozen hot water bottles. Really all I needed was my family, but they weren’t expected until the next morning. 



Serena supported my weight as we watched Score: A Hockey Musical and I drifted in and out of sleep. I hadn’t felt tired until I lay with her body cradling mine and the familiar scene playing on the television. It wasn’t a deep sleep, and I woke up with every contraction, but having my eyes closed and breathing rhythmic was a comforting contrast to the intervals of pain.

“Did I miss it?” Sidney burst through the door in a panic as Serena sang along quietly to one of the songs in the musical. His hair was still wet and his shirt was buttoned unevenly, his belt undone, and feet bare in his shoes.

“If by it you mean Farley Gordon’s first game with the Blades, then yes,” Serena replied, looking back at him.

“What?” he stared at her bewildered. “No, I meant the baby, is it here? Did I miss the labour?”

“What baby? What are you talking about?” she gave him her best confused look.

“Be nice,” I warned quietly. I was secretly amused by her tormenting him as cruel as it was.

“Haley said the baby was coming,” he looked around the room frustrated.

“Nah man, we’re just having a movie night with the pool to see how long it’ll take to fill up,” she replied.

“What the hell?” he cried.

“Ow-fuck, okay joke’s over,” I finally spoke up, a harsher contraction making its way through me.

“You’re evil Eriksson!” he hissed at her, then hurried to my side. “Are you okay?” he crouched between the couch and the coffee table, brushing his hand over my forehead and pushing the stray hairs out of my face.

“Yup,” I said as I took another deep breath, my eyes closed and fingers tapping against my leg. I was counting the seconds until the contraction passed and ignoring the world around me.

“How long has she been like this? Is Clementine here?” he directed his questions to Serena.

“We’re only like a half an hour into the movie so I’d say we’ve been laying here about a half an hour and she’s been like this every 10 or so minutes.” She gave him a half ass answer, purposely trying to drive him nuts.

“The contractions started right before the game,” I cut in as the pain died out. “Clem is in the office, she said she wants to stay out of the way until we need her. I’m three centimetres dilated.”

“You’re okay though?” he gazed at me intently, almost as if he was possessed.

“Well I’m not about to run any marathons but I’m doing alright,” I ran my hand gently across the stubble on his cheek. “Just getting ready to have a baby is all.”

“You don’t need anything? Water, a sandwich? Do you want a blanket?”

“I’m good,” I smiled, patting his face.

“Are you sure? Are you in pain? Do you-.”

“Would you sit down and enjoy this cinematic masterpiece, Crosby?” Serena interrupted him. I had to hold back a chuckle as he looked at her alarmed. But she was doing exactly what I’d asked her to do weeks ago, trying to keep him calm. I knew once active labour started he’d relax because he’d have something to focus on, but in the meantime I’d put my best friend in charge of keeping him at bay.

He sighed and took a seat on the chair across from us, and resigning himself to watching the musical he was regularly referenced in. I could tell he was impatient though, fiddling with his hands, adjusting his clothes, glancing at us every few seconds.

“You can go change, sweetie,” I offered after another contraction ended and he’d returned to my side.

“No, I’m fine, I don’t want to miss anything,” he shook his head stoically and kissed my knuckles.

“You’re not going to miss anything,” I assured him. “I promise, the most you’re going to miss is another musical number and if you really want we can pause it.”

He took a second to mull over what I’d said, as if weighing out the pros and cons in his head, what exactly ended up on either side of that list I’ll never know. “If you’re sure…” he began.

I nodded encouragingly, and he left the room, taking his nervous energy with him. He couldn’t have been gone more than two minutes when he returned wearing a t-shirt and a pair of yoga pants. He still looked petrified, but at least he was dressed comfortably for a night he was about to spend worrying.

“Beau wants to know if he can come in and get his stuff,” he looked down at his phone as he entered the room then back up at me hesitantly.

“Did he forget his key or something?” I asked confused.

“I don’t think so. I think he just wanted to stay out of the way…”

“Oh good lord, yes, tell him to come in. I’m not dying!” I cried.

Beau entered the house skittishly, trying to blend in and go unnoticed. It seemed the only thing I hadn’t done in preparation was sit both of them down and explain how labour actually works. Sidney wasn’t stupid, he’d read the book and listened to me talk about the birth plan, but he obviously hadn’t studied enough because the minute he heard the word ‘labour’ all of his knowledge and logic evaporated. Beau on the other hand was young, so I couldn’t blame him for his awkwardness and I felt guilty for monopolizing the house.

“Hey!” I called as he tried to sneak into the kitchen. He turned, like a deer in the headlights and stopped. “Come here, sit for a bit,” I laughed.

He looked to Sidney for confirmation then hesitantly made his way to the free chair. “How are you?” he avoided eye contact, sitting stiffly and wringing his hands.

“I’m fine,” I assured him with a grin. “Long time until anything happens.” No sooner had the words left my lips than the contraction started with just as much force as the last few. The blood drained from his face and he sat paralyzed. I gripped Serena’s hand gently and closed my eyes, trying to breathe through the pain but groaning in frustration. Only a few hours in and I was already finding the pain kind of annoying.

“You know you can stay, right?” I said once I’d gathered myself again. “We have the whole basement, you’ll be safe from any gore or nudity.” 



He politely declined and was gone with a bag packed and headed for Nealer’s within the hour. We finished the movie, neither Serena nor I moving until the end credits. Mystery, Alaska was next in the pile but I only lasted twenty minutes before feeling the need to move. My back and hips were tight, and the comfort I’d felt laying against Serena had faded into awkwardness. I spent the rest of the film pacing around the room, rocking just as I’d been doing for months. Sidney watched me from his spot, tensing with every contraction and looking helpless when I didn’t reach out for him. It wasn’t that I didn’t want him, I just wanted to save him for when I couldn’t stand it anymore. I was pushing myself, trying to see how much I could handle on my own. 


It was nearing two-thirty in the morning when we checked my dilation again, seven centimetres in well into active labour. The TV had been turned off, Serena had been dismissed to take a nap, and I couldn’t handle it alone anymore. The room was dark, with the exception of the lights shining through the window and the candles I’d lit between spurts of agonizing pain. We were alone, just as I’d imagined, the second playlist coming through the speakers as night crept by.

“You’re so strong,” he whispered, my arms around his neck and his hands supporting my back as we rocked back and forth. His solid body was the only thing keeping me upright and he didn’t flinch when all my weight was forced on him. “And I’m so proud of you,” his breath tickled my ear and I was able to let out a much needed sigh. “I love you so much,” he kept talking, if not for my comfort then his own. His words helped though, his soft whispers alongside Van Morrison’s “Tupelo Honey” as we danced slowly through through every second of pain. I tried to focus my energy on breathing, staying relatively silent, but every so often an uninhibited moan would slip out and his body would hold me just a little tighter, just enough to make sure I was okay. We hit replay on the song four times, listening to the same calming voice for nearly half an hour, but I didn’t want to come out of the bubble we’d created. The feeling of safety despite the great discomfort had me enchanted, and although he’d spent his night on the ice, Sidney didn’t waver, he held me, rocking and swaying until the spell was broken, until I puked, all over his shirt.

“I’m so sorry,” I sniffled, mortified. Clem had emerged from her hiding space to at the sound of my vomiting and was eerily excited by it. It was a sign she said, an indication that I was transitioning, getting ready to push. 



“It’s okay,” Sidney laughed, pulling off his shirt and stuffing it into the plastic bag Clem held out for him. “I can handle being puked on if it means things are moving along.”

“It won’t be the last time he’s puked on,” Clem joked, cleaning up the last of what was on the floor. “If you want to shower now is the time to do it though, Sidney.”

He shook his head, instead opting to wipe himself down at the sink and return immediately to my side. Tired of standing, I balanced on the exercise ball, moving with the natural motion while Sidney sat behind me on a stool rubbing my lower back and carrying on with his hushed encouragements and soothing words. I barely heard him though, my mind too focused on breathing and preparing myself for the next wave of pain. They were mere minutes apart and all I wanted was to crawl into bed and sleep. I knew my bed was an option, we’d draped it was sheets and protective bedding, but the idea of climbing the stairs was too daunting. I wanted my mum, and Big Bea, I wanted it to be over, but instead I got another contraction and let out an angry cry. 



Someone suggested I try getting into the water, likely Clem, but I was in a haze of exhaustion and shock. I’d prepared myself for pain, but this was something beyond my wildest expectations. It was when I stood to move to the pool that I felt a trickle of liquid slip down my leg. I’d ditched my pants in favour of a big t-shirt and with nothing to catch the clear stream of liquid it splashed onto the hardwood, continuing in small gushes that were eventually caught by an absorbent pad laid under me. My waters had gone and I soon learned that what I thought was the worst pain I could endure, was actually just an opening act for the real agony. The pains came quicker after that, harder, all consuming, and the water did little to soothe me, but was better than the alternative of getting out of the warm pool. I was free to move and float, Sidney leaning over the side to hold my hand or rub my back. 



I was ten centimetres dilated and completely naked by the time I sent Sidney in to wake Serena. I knew it was coming, at least I hoped it was, I didn’t know how much longer I could handle the pressure inside of me.

“Please don’t tell me if I shit myself,” I hissed, feeling desperately like I needed find the bathroom- another good sign according to Clem. “Promise me!” I looked to both Sid and Serena who were biting their lips trying not to laugh.

“No one will tell you if you shit yourself,” Serena answered to Sid’s relief, he was struggling to keep it together to begin with. Satisfied with the answer, I closed my eyes again and rest against the edge, clutching Sidney’s hand as if my life depended on it.

I didn’t expect to start pushing so soon, but the more I complained of needing the bathroom the more Clem urged me to try. The contractions were three minutes apart give or take, giving me plenty of opportunities to ‘try.’ At my request, they didn’t coach me, there was no counting or “you can do its”, just soft conversation and music. Sid reminded me to listen to my body, he told me I knew exactly what I needed to do, and in turn was saying exactly what I needed to hear. He held my upper body as the baby was crowning, when I felt like someone was tearing me apart from the inside out, then lighting the wounds on fire. Serena held my free hand and nodding reassuringly when I looked over to make sure I wasn’t hurting her. It felt like a lifetime, but at the same time only an instant before Clementine was telling me to reach down, to feel the head, to feel the first part of my baby to enter the world. I was calm enough for a moment to look down and see the scrunched up face in the reflection of the mirror we’d placed at the other end of the tub for just that purpose. Tufts of hair that splayed out in the water and tiny little features. One more push, she told me, just one more and I could reach down and hold our baby. I found one last grain of energy that had been hidden deep inside of me and pushed as she helped to ease its little shoulders out into the water. And then he was here, slipping out of me and into the world, my hands catching his little body and pulling him to the surface, holding him close to me and letting ever ounce of emotion I had left in me flood out in tears and joyous sobs. 



He didn’t cry, just blinked at me with his inky blue eyes and let out a few breaths. Beside me, Sidney had fallen apart, tears streaming down his face as he sniffled in my ear and ran his big fingers along the soft hairs of his tiny head. Serena sat on the sidelines, snapping pictures as I’d asked her to in the birth plan, capturing our first moments as a family. He let out a squawk when passed from my arms to Sidney’s while I delivered the placenta and a few minutes later the umbilical cord was cut. But just as I’d hoped, his first minutes in the world were peaceful, surrounded by water and love. 



Lachlan Patrick Keller-Crosby came into the world at 5:37am, three hours before my mother and grandmother arrived, and just in time to spend a few days with his daddy. He arrived on the 4th of February 2014, and suddenly my life was unrecognizable.