Don't Wave No Goodbye

Darcy wakes the following morning to guilt sitting heavily in her stomach and Nate trying sneak off, only for her to pull him back into her bed for another go which only leaves her feeling worse. He doesn’t mention how quiet she is or how unenthusiastic she may be, or even ask why she'd been so upset when he’d first arrived, and she’s thankful for that. Thankful that he lets himself be a distraction for her without comment, just takes what she gives and leaves it at that.

“Do you mind if I grab a shower?” he asks, moments after they’d fallen beside each other, sweaty and panting. “I’m meant to be at Radio One in an hour, don’t think I’ve got enough time to make it home and back.”

“Hmm? Oh yeah, ‘course. Go for it,” Darcy replies distractedly, waving vaguely at her ensuite and Nate nods his thanks before rolling out of bed and padding into the bathroom, hissing a little once his feet hit the cool tiles.

Somehow, it isn’t endearing like it is when Harry does it, Darcy just finds herself hoping he’ll be quick so she can jump in once he’s gone and scrub herself until life makes some sort of sense. After hearing Nate turn the shower on, Darcy forces herself to rise from the warmth of her bed and head to the kitchen, idly wondering if it was expected of her to make Nate a cuppa or if he’s just planning on grabbing something on the way to the studio. She shakes her head, knowing it’s stupid to even think about because that’s how she gets herself into messes like the one she's in now, over thinking.

In the end, she makes a pot and makes a cup for herself, leaving the option entirely up to Nate. Darcy jumps up to sit on the counter, her heels hitting the cupboard doors below with irregular thuds. She sips at her tea and tries to figure out what on earth she could say to Harry if he asks her what went on last night and realises she doesn’t have any excuse other than the truth which she’s not sure she’s got the courage to say. It takes her a moment to notice there are a second lot of thuds that she isn’t responsible for and she slips off the counter, placing down her mug before heading over to the front door.

Darcy hopes desperately it’s not Nick, knowing he’d take one look at Nate and make things uncomfortable for all of them yet when she opens the door to find Harry waiting anxiously on the doorstep, she would've given anything for it to be Nick after all.

“O-oh, uh, Harry hi,” Darcy begins awkwardly, becoming acutely aware that the sound of running water has stopped. Harry looks out of place, vulnerable, in a way she’s never seen him before and she hates to think what this could be about.

“Hey, Darce,” Harry greets, trying for cheerful but missing easily. “You alright?”

“Erm, yep, yeah, I’m fine,” Darcy answers quickly. “You?”

Harry nods. “I’m okay, I’m just a bit confused really. About last night. Is everything okay, you know, with us?”

Darcy’s about to respond when Harry goes still in front of her, eyes locking on something over her shoulder and she turns to see exactly what caused this reaction. Nate’s standing a few steps behind her, dressed only in jeans and toweling his hair easily. When he sees the two of them looking he gives a friendly smile, not understanding exactly what he walked into.

“Can I help myself to the pot of tea, then?” he asks casually, and Darcy’s nod comes without thought as she watches him disappear into the kitchen and turns back to Harry whose mouth has gone tight and twisted, his eyes hard.

“Oh,” Harry says slowly before swallowing hard. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think… Sorry, we can talk about this later.”

“Harry, no, don’t go,” Darcy tries, reaching out for him but he moves away quickly, shaking his head.

“No, I think it’s better if I did,” he says roughly, giving Darcy one last hopeless look before turning quickly to leave. He doesn’t turn back when she calls out to him and he doesn’t let himself react one bit until he’s back in the safety of his flat, wondering why the hell he’s so furious and hurt when he’d know he wasn’t the only one. Louis had told him last night that she’d been seeing other people and he knows she wouldn’t have denied it if he’d asked, yet to actually see himself the proof that he’s not anything special, to her at least, hurts much more than he thinks he’s ready to deal with. Liam’s right, he thinks bitterly, he shouldn’t have ever got caught up in her game. He’s the one hurt now.

After watching Harry leave, Darcy returns back to the kitchen to find Nate waiting for her, eyebrows raised expectantly as he sips at his tea. She tries to ignore him, to go back to drinking her own tea and pretend this horrid week never happened when Nate clears his throat loudly.

“So, err,” he starts, looking generally curious. “Everything alright?”

Darcy sighs loudly, shaking her head. “No, not really. It’s fine though; you don’t have to ask about it or pretend to care. Really, it’s better if you didn’t.”

“Okay,” Nate says easily, returning them back to their previous silence and she’s almost glad until a thought hits her, and she can’t shy away from it.

“Hey Nate?” she says suddenly, turning to look at him properly. “How would you react if I said I was sleeping with other people, not just you?”

Nate’s silent for a moment before giving a nonchalant shrug. “I’d say way to go you for letting yourself explore and exercise your sexual prowess but other than that, I wouldn’t really care. Unless you start comparing and in which case, if I’m not the best then there’s a problem.” He’s joking, and gives her a little grin which against all odds, she can’t help but smile at.

“Right, okay, good to know,” she answers, knowing that’s the answer she’s after. “One more question, say hypothetically a girl you engage in casual sex with was sick, would you, I don’t know, look after her until she’s better even when she’s all gross and awful?”

Nate quirks his eyebrows with his grin still firmly intact. “Weirdly specific question, but okay. Honestly? No. I mean, there’s no logical explanation of why you’d do it considering the relationship you have, unless you’re super close best friends that also bone, ya know? If it’s just casual sex, then that’s where it ends. You sleep together, then you go home, and that’s that. The only time I can ever think where someone would do something like that when they’re not obligated to is if they’re trying to pursue a romantic relationship with that person, you know, by trying to show them that they really care about them and want to be there for them.”

Darcy feels like her stomach’s dropped, and she groans softly, inwardly furious at herself for being so oblivious to something that had been staring her right in the face for so long. Nate looks a little concerned but also understanding, like he knew what’s going on without knowing at all. He places his mug in the sink before checking the time, swearing underneath his breath as he looks up at Darcy.

“Sorry Darce, I really have to run or I’m going to be in the shit,” Nate says apologetically as Darcy just nods, waving him off.

“No, no, that’s fine. I’ll see you later,” she tells him half-heartedly, trying to smile but feeling like it comes off more as a grimace, especially at the thought of having to go into work with this heavy heart.

“Yeah, righto. Oh, and good luck with whatever’s going on with you and Harry Styles,” he adds cheekily, his grin expanding when he sees the shock in her eyes, giving a little eye roll at her expression. “Please, I don’t live under a rock, I knew that was him at the door. I hope you get to sort it out and what not, whatever it is!”

“Oh, right, well thanks? I think?”

Nate just grins again before grabbing his shirt and jacket off the couch where he’d left them last night, throwing them on haphazardly before giving a wave and heading out. Darcy remains where she’s standing for the longest time, feeling like she wants nothing more than to hide away from everything and hope that this all blows over, knowing all too well that the only way to get through all this is for her to fix it herself.

She returns to her room with all the intentions of grabbing her phone and calling Harry but immediately gives into her childish want to put off any confrontation for as long as possible. Instead of calling, she heads off to the shower in an attempt to clear her head with the hopes that like most situations in her life, a nice shower would gift her the solution she so desperately needs.

It doesn’t, and so she alludes to what she’s best at. Distractions. Darcy cleans the house, does all her washing, and ignores every single call she receives from Nick, knowing that it’s completely possible that he’s knows everything that’s happened by now.

It’s only when she exhausts every available distraction at her disposal and she's still got more than an hour before she needs to be at work that she picks up her phone, ringing Harry’s number before she can let herself think it through. She’s got a knot the size of a fist in her stomach and hearing Harry’s rough voice on the other end only makes it tighter. She’s still in a state of shock that he actually answered her call that it takes him to say her name three times before she can respond.

“We need to talk,” she blurts, and she can hear him shuffling around on the other end of the line.

“Yeah,” he breathes out slowly, “we do. I’ll, uh, I’ll come to yours okay?”

“Okay, I’ll see you soon?”

Harry gives quick confirmation before hanging up and Darcy tosses her phone aside, covering her face with her hands and closing her eyes tight, not at all prepared for whatever Harry has to say although she has a pretty good idea what it may be. Minutes pass by slowly then all too quickly and there’s a knock at the door that has her jumping to her feet instantly.

Harry looks far more subdued this time around, hands shoved tight in his pockets when she invites him in and he brushes past her, looking like he’s about to take a seat on the couch before suddenly turning back to look at her.

“We can’t do this anymore,” he tells her, gesturing at the space between them. “It’s not… it’s not working for me.”

Darcy lowers her eyes, nodding slightly. “I thought as much. Okay, I understand.”

Harry looks pained at this, screwing his hands up tight before looking at her intently. “I don’t think you do, Darcy. It’s not about before, honestly. I knew from the beginning that we were both free to see other people and although it sort of only really hit me today, I’d always known so it wasn’t about that,” Harry explains carefully, looking so highly strung that Darcy could only watch on with concern.

“Harry, you don’t have to explain yourself, it’s okay,” Darcy tries gently, only for Harry to shake his head viciously.

“No, I need you to know this. Please,” Harry begs, his voice breaking around the plead. “When we started this, I thought I could handle it. You were fun and exciting and I think I wanted you because you didn’t want me. While everyone else was trying to get a piece, you seemed to want anything but me and I guess I liked going after something I thought I couldn’t have. But then when I got you, I only wanted you more. I told myself to stop, you know, to stop wanting you so badly but I couldn’t help it. You’re everything I find attractive: confident, smart, witty, and not afraid to go after what you want.

I just wanted to be with you, Darcy. In whatever way you’d have me, and I tried to tell myself that it was enough but it never was, really. I knew how you felt about relationships and commitment and yet I still let myself believe that maybe one day you’d realise you cared about me as much as I care about you,” Harry offers hopelessly, looking up at Darcy and she can see his eyes are already damp.

That alone is enough to break her. “I do care about you, Harry, much more than I probably should,” Darcy confesses, knowing it’s the wrong thing to say but feeling like the least Harry deserves is the truth.

Harry shakes his head, a sad smile growing on his face. “No you don’t, not really, at least not in the way I care about you. That’s okay though, you told me from the beginning what this all is and I shouldn’t be so surprised to find myself here. It’s just… even now, even though this is over, I’m still hopeful. Still hoping that maybe I’ll be the exception, maybe you want to be with me as much as I want to be with you and I can see from that look on your face alone that it’s stupid to think this. I still want you, Darce, I want to be with you but only with you exclusively. I want you and me and that’s it. I want to belong to you and know that you belong to me too.”

“You can’t own someone like that Harry,” Darcy whispers and Harry nods.

“I know. I’m sorry, for all of this. I wish I could say I want to stay friends because I do still want you in my life but I just can’t. Not right now, anyway,” Harry replies and he looks so apologetic that Darcy hates herself even more.

“Please don’t apologise Harry, you can’t help the way you feel anymore than I can help the way I don’t. If anything, I should be the one saying sorry because I should’ve seen the path we were taking and stopped it before you got hurt. You’re incredible, Harry Styles, just so damn wonderful and you deserve a girl who can treat you as such.”

Harry smiles at this but it comes across watery and miserable. “Did you, ah, did you ever think that maybe you could love me? I mean, at any point did you maybe ever…”

Darcy cuts him off, sensing the danger here. “Harry…” she warns lowly and Harry sighs before giving a resigned nod.

“Right, yeah, sorry. I think it’s time I left,” he says quickly. “I, um, goodbye Darcy.”

“Goodbye Harry,” Darcy says softly, watching as he makes his way to the door. “Look after yourself, yeah?”

He stops, turning back to look at her with gentle eyes, nodding once. “Yeah. You too.”

Just like that, he’s gone and whatever liberation Darcy thought she’d feel after letting him go never comes and instead she crumples onto the couch, drawing her knees up to her chest and closing her eyes tight to fight off the tears. He’s gone and she knows she played every part in helping him leave.

There’d be no more late night phone calls when there’s an ocean between them, no more falling asleep to the feeling of his body warm beside hers and his breathing sending her to sleep, and gone is the knowledge that every bad day could be soothed by running to him, talking it out and letting him care for her in a way she rarely let anyone else do.

He’d come the closest by far to the real her, the vulnerable one behind the confident façade she projects and maybe that’s why this hurts the hardest. Darcy falls into herself more and her face becomes wet with tears when she finally comes face to face with the truth. She’d lied to Harry, or at the very least, avoided telling him the truth because in all honestly, she’s hopelessly and terribly in love with him, and she hadn’t known until the moment he’d walked out that door.