Heart Boner
DUDE.
Blake wasn't expecting anyone other than Tina (his overweight nurse who gave these killer hand massages), so when Adam walked into his room - oh god yes.
"What is that beautiful smell I am smelling?"
"I don't know, I smell rubbing alcohol. And your hair -- can't you shower, dude?"
"I would love to shower but as it is I just so happened to dislocate my shoulder."
"That was in no way my fault."
"You're the one who said c'mon, Blake, just a little bit faster. Just press the up button one more time. Seriously, if I ever get on another treadmill ever again in the history of ever it will be too soon."
"You were only at speed six."
"Yeah, six speeds higher than I needed to be."
"Exercise is healthy."
"Exercise is deadly." Or maybe it was just the unfortunately placed vacuum he landed on after he fell.
"For you, I guess," Adam said and took a seat in the chair to the right of Blake's bed emitting that beautiful smell again.
"I'm salivating here, what is that smell. It's like... beef. I smell beef, Adam."
Adam just smiled in that I-know-something-that-you-don't way as he rested his elbow on his knees, head cradled atop of his hands.
"Are those french fries? I totally smell french fries. French fries and beef, oh my God. This is so not okay."
"Oh, so are you saying you smell McDonald's?"
"Yes, oh my God. Oh my God did you have McDonald's before you came here and not bring me any because I will fuck you up, okay? I will fuck. you. up. Hard."
Blake smiled that smile again before reaching into his backpack whoa where did that come from and pulling out what looked like a McDonald's bag but was actually the mother fucking Holy Grail.
"Whoa, okay. Let me lick your face? At the very least I could make out with you. Fondle you five ways to Sunday. Metaphorically. Because what we have is from the heart. I have a heart boner for you, Adam. An affection erection, an elation inflation."
"Dude, Blake. I just need a-"
"Like I said: totaly fucking heart boner. Speaking of boner, let's bone because you just became roughly 50 times more attractive than you were 60 seconds ago. I'm going to call you A-damn from now on."
"That's um. That's cool, I will totally bone with you. But I actually didn't get you anything to eat."
"Very funny. Ha, ha. I'm laughing. Now hand it over, seriously I am going to die they seriously tried to feed me Jell-O earlier."
"There's no food in here," he ruffled the bag.
"I smell it. Don't underestimate my super-smeller. It's super, super accurate. Never wrong. 100% always right."
Adam looked like he was on the verge of laughter, which, no, this is no joke. This is food on the line. Blake had to eat Jell-O for Christ's sake. The green kind.
"That's because there used to be food in the bag but then I was on my way over here and there was literally no garbage can so I shoved it into my bag and called it a day. I was just going to ask you for a garbage can."
"But you - you looked so mischievous. I don't believe this, nor do I know what to think. It's like being on an episode of Catfish or something. But worse, so much worse. Oh my God I am going to cry."
"Have you even been here for an hour?"
"Uh, yeah."
"Aren't you getting out in like... half an hour?"
"Uh, yeah."
"Great, so it's a McDonald's date."
"You sure know how to treat a man, Adamn," Blake sighed, dazed expression on his face.
"What even was in that Jell-O."
"Love potion, because baby I can see me with you tonight. In a booth. At McDonald's. And you're buying. The weather forecast reads Sunny with a Side of Toasted Adambecause you're hot."
"Uh, you know what? I totally forgot I had plans. With my cat. Bye, Blake. See you in school tomorrow."
So Blake did the mature thing and pressed the call button for Tina about fifty million times. He needed a hand massage, stat. And pain killers to mend his broken heart.
And Tina, that bitch, denied him of both.
"What is that beautiful smell I am smelling?"
"I don't know, I smell rubbing alcohol. And your hair -- can't you shower, dude?"
"I would love to shower but as it is I just so happened to dislocate my shoulder."
"That was in no way my fault."
"You're the one who said c'mon, Blake, just a little bit faster. Just press the up button one more time. Seriously, if I ever get on another treadmill ever again in the history of ever it will be too soon."
"You were only at speed six."
"Yeah, six speeds higher than I needed to be."
"Exercise is healthy."
"Exercise is deadly." Or maybe it was just the unfortunately placed vacuum he landed on after he fell.
"For you, I guess," Adam said and took a seat in the chair to the right of Blake's bed emitting that beautiful smell again.
"I'm salivating here, what is that smell. It's like... beef. I smell beef, Adam."
Adam just smiled in that I-know-something-that-you-don't way as he rested his elbow on his knees, head cradled atop of his hands.
"Are those french fries? I totally smell french fries. French fries and beef, oh my God. This is so not okay."
"Oh, so are you saying you smell McDonald's?"
"Yes, oh my God. Oh my God did you have McDonald's before you came here and not bring me any because I will fuck you up, okay? I will fuck. you. up. Hard."
Blake smiled that smile again before reaching into his backpack whoa where did that come from and pulling out what looked like a McDonald's bag but was actually the mother fucking Holy Grail.
"Whoa, okay. Let me lick your face? At the very least I could make out with you. Fondle you five ways to Sunday. Metaphorically. Because what we have is from the heart. I have a heart boner for you, Adam. An affection erection, an elation inflation."
"Dude, Blake. I just need a-"
"Like I said: totaly fucking heart boner. Speaking of boner, let's bone because you just became roughly 50 times more attractive than you were 60 seconds ago. I'm going to call you A-damn from now on."
"That's um. That's cool, I will totally bone with you. But I actually didn't get you anything to eat."
"Very funny. Ha, ha. I'm laughing. Now hand it over, seriously I am going to die they seriously tried to feed me Jell-O earlier."
"There's no food in here," he ruffled the bag.
"I smell it. Don't underestimate my super-smeller. It's super, super accurate. Never wrong. 100% always right."
Adam looked like he was on the verge of laughter, which, no, this is no joke. This is food on the line. Blake had to eat Jell-O for Christ's sake. The green kind.
"That's because there used to be food in the bag but then I was on my way over here and there was literally no garbage can so I shoved it into my bag and called it a day. I was just going to ask you for a garbage can."
"But you - you looked so mischievous. I don't believe this, nor do I know what to think. It's like being on an episode of Catfish or something. But worse, so much worse. Oh my God I am going to cry."
"Have you even been here for an hour?"
"Uh, yeah."
"Aren't you getting out in like... half an hour?"
"Uh, yeah."
"Great, so it's a McDonald's date."
"You sure know how to treat a man, Adamn," Blake sighed, dazed expression on his face.
"What even was in that Jell-O."
"Love potion, because baby I can see me with you tonight. In a booth. At McDonald's. And you're buying. The weather forecast reads Sunny with a Side of Toasted Adambecause you're hot."
"Uh, you know what? I totally forgot I had plans. With my cat. Bye, Blake. See you in school tomorrow."
So Blake did the mature thing and pressed the call button for Tina about fifty million times. He needed a hand massage, stat. And pain killers to mend his broken heart.
And Tina, that bitch, denied him of both.
♠ ♠ ♠
This wasn't what was supposed to happen 