A Fading Memory

"Are you excited for Christmas?" Jay asked. His big chestnut eyes stared up at me with curiosity and interest. He jumped onto the couch and wiggled his little legs to shuffle himself backwards. I've never envied Jay, but seeing his legs move so freely made something burn inside me.

"A little." I replied honestly. Christmas had lost its sparkle for me. I wiggled my fingers and returned to gazing out the window. There wasn't much else to do, all my dreams had been shattered. Unless I wanted to be a Paralympian, which didn't quite appeal to me.

Christmas was also overshadowed by Chris’ ever lingering presence. Every night after Aled and Stella had left my room, I would feel a gentle studded kiss being pressed into my cheek, arms wrapping around me. He always protected me, he always guarded me in my nightmares. Now Christmas was fast approaching, would Chris make himself known to the whole family? I hoped so. I wanted him to be real.

Outside, the snow was falling thick and heavy. When we were younger, Jay, Dad and I would go out and have snowball fights and all sorts of wintery fun. I'd sat and watched every change in the weather from the window. The summer rolled by, school started and now it's Christmas. I never went back to school, there was no fucking point when my life was already screwed over.

"Only a little?" He asked. He cocked his head to one side and smiled playfully. "Why Seanie?" I didn't want to tell him about Christian. Stella had warned me about scaring Jay.

"Alright that's enough! Jay, could you run along and help Stella?" Aled instructed, nudging the boy off the couch. He scampered out the room and Aled took his seat. Over the past few months, Aled and I had drawn close. He was a father to me. He believed in Chris too. Chrishad controlled his mind and forced him to beat Jay. He flashed me a cheeky smile. "Everything okay?" He asked.

I nodded and smiled back. The simple movement caused waves of pain to run down my spine. Every movement caused me pain in some way or enough. Steroids and pain killers and morphine just weren't enough to numb it.

"Well, um... this'll be a shock to say the least." He began, his face turning beat red. He clicked his tongue and searched for words. "Stella and I, we're getting married."

I stared at him like he was crazy. He cannot be marrying Stella! They've barely been together a year! Would she seriously consider blowing her money on a wedding, only to divorce him a few months later? Stella couldn't be that stupid! "What? You've been together for less than a year! It's a lot of money to realise you don't love her." He simply chuckled and smiled.

"It sounds crazy, but it's not like we're getting married tomorrow! By the time we're married, we could've been together for three, four years. And anyway, you probably won't understand this but when you meet someone, you'll know straight away whether they're the one or not. I know how much Stel's been through and I promise you I would never hurt her. She actually means something to me, she's special. It's sort of hard for you to understand that, I guess you’re young." He explained, a small smile covering his lips.

I stared back out the window. I understood perfectly. I sighed and ran my hands through my messy hair. The roots were showing and it looked awful. "I think that's how I felt about him," I mumbled shyly. "But he's gone, I feel empty now."

"One day you'll find someone who loves you for who you are. I know your legs bother you, but maybe one day we can find a treatment for you. You're such a swell guy, I know you won't be alone." Aled said with a sincere and honest smile. I smiled back, a slight boost of confidence coming over me.

"You really think so?" I laughed. I wanted Chris. He wouldn't care about my disability, and he'd care for me. Sometimes I felt he only wanted me for sex, so I'd be useless to him now but I feel his presence by me every night while I sleep. His arms held me tightly and his face nuzzled into my back. My dreams were protected by him, filled with fantasies and wishes that would never come true. He watched over me all the time.

The doorbell rang, signalling the arrival of Aled's parents. They'd come here for Christmas and they were pretty awesome. "I sure do." He smiled and left me alone. I could attempt to get downstairs but it wasn't worth it. I lived upstairs, where the bathroom and my bedroom was. Stella and Aled helped me in and out of my wheelchair. Aled helped me get undressed and stuff, probably why we became so close.

I stared back onto the driveway and shivered. Standing in the snow was a figure dressed in black with red converse, staring up at me. His ginger hair was frosted with snowflakes and his skin was as pale as the ground beneath him. A smile spread across his face, his pearly teeth and silver studs glistening in the light. He smiled like a Cheshire cat, his spider bites stretching across his cheeky face. He raised a hand timidly. I smiled back and watched as he walked towards the front door as voices filled the house. It felt like he was coming home, back to the place he belonged. I wanted to feel his lips against mine as his hands stroked my thighs. The door burst open and Aled's old man came bellowing into the room, but I was too fixated on the new presence. I could feel him, the air moving as he made his way towards me. He sat on the windowsill and a hand found its way to my hair. I looked towards where he'd be and smiled. It felt like every devil was there with me, but at the same time very angel was sat around me. I wished I could see him. The snow melting in his hair, his pale face pink with cold. A cold hand stroked my cheek and I shivered. I wanted him to touch me and remind me of all the perfect things in life.

"Sean? SEAN! God, Sean!" Stella jostled me out of my day dream. "Try and be sociable, will you?" She hissed. I nodded, turning back to the family around me. I didn't want their sympathies and whatnot. I'd grown tired of sympathetic looks on the first day of my arrival home. I didn't remember anyone anyway. Whether they were complete strangers or it was just my amnesia, I'd never know. But I did know I wanted Christian.