A Fading Memory

As expected, I was the outcast of the school. Let's face it: I stand out like a sore thumb. Bleach blonde hair with a pink stripe wasn't exactly normal, is it? If that wasn’t enough, my custom designed Nike jacket suggested I was a Nazi. Having the initials SS was just wonderful. Half the school were pulling a straight arm salute at me while the others were too stupid to work it out. I wasn't expecting to make any friends. I didn't want to either. No one looked half decent. They were all zoo animals, festering with flies and the leftovers of their lunch. If they weren’t dumb they were above and beyond smart. Perfect A-grades with perfect uniforms and perfect lives. They annoyed me more than the dumb ones. I knew when I got home I'd catch Hell from Stella for not giving anyone a chance, but it seriously wasn't worth it. I'd rather not have my brain minced by overly confident or overly stupid people.

Break time - I found somewhere I could hide without being noticed by people who only want to ask questions. I hated people like that. I didn't have an answer as to why my hair is pink, and the SS jacket was a birthday present - I repeated that all morning! It got pretty boring. I wanted to be home with Stella. I wanted to be there to look after her. I was worried about her. She missed Mam and Dad and there was a whole new weight of responsibility on her shoulders. I knew how upset she was. I was scared she might hurt herself or do something stupid to numb her pain. What if she turned to alcohol or drugs? How will that affect Jay and I? She needed me there to remind her all hope was not lost. I needed to be there for her to help myself.

In the midst of all my thoughts, I didn't notice a figure stood above me. I looked up, afraid it was a bully ready to pounce. This guy didn't look much of a bully. He was quite small but with a coat of muscle on him. His eyes were glass blue, black glasses sat on the bridge of his nose. He dressed like me - black skinny jeans and untidy uniform.

"Can I help you?" I asked, trying to be polite but my moodiness was just drooling out my mouth. The kid flashed a smile, showing pearly white teeth. He had braces too.

"Yes, if you want to" He replied. I didn't want to.

"Sure" I mumbled, standing up from my spot. Sean Smith - the guy who was too freaking awkward to say no to a stranger. My head was probably to be beaten in. Oh goody. Why couldn't I be normal and un-awkward and sociable?!? It seemed it was too much to ask from God. He led me along the corridor, down the stairs right to the very first floor. There was hardly anyone around, they were mostly teachers anyway. He turned back and smiled again, as if to make sure I was still plodding along behind him. I didn't think there's much else to do. Who knows? What if this guy would be my first friend here? Stella and Josh would be so proud!

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"Hi Stel!" I called as I walked through the door after a surprisingly pleasant day. An unusually large smile sat on my face, like a spider that won’t budge while you're looking. For once, the smile wasn't forced. I was genuinely happy - after school! I hadn’t been that happy since the day Josh first kissed me (even if it was only an accident after he got pushed into me)

"Someone's looking bright today" she teased as I came into the front room. I rolled my eyes and dumped my bag by the door. "You can tell me all about him in the car, I need to go food shopping"

Oh great. I should have known Stella would instantly assume I've met someone. And technically I had but no, there's no way he can replace my Joshie. He could be my best friend though. Josh's friends were good to me. They didn't care we were gay (or bisexual on his part) and just rolled on as if it didn't matter. They protected us and for the most part I was safe. Without them, I became an easy target. No one in this new school will ever know I'm gay, not even best friends.

Stella rounded us into the car (practically dragging Jay) and set off up the road. She smiled smugly at me. "Well?"

"I don't fancy him Stella!" I cried, hitting her arm lightly. She laughed. "He's just a friend and he'll never be anything more. I'm just pretty proud of myself that I managed to make a friend, and it's only been a day!"

"I'm proud of you too, little idiot" she sighed. "Tell me about him, real or imaginary?”

"Real. Stella, his name is Gavin" I sighed, waving away her Donnie Darko reference. She loved that movie. I think she's convinced I'm Wales' answer to Donnie. I'm better looking than Jake Gyllenhaal anyway. "He's not a rabbit, I'm pretty sure he's human. He's really nice to me and he has awesome friends! He shared his lunch with me and he told me who I could get along with and who I should avoid at all costs" I rambled on. What? I had a friend! Couldn't I brag about it? Stella laughed and messed up my perfectly straight hair.

"Well at least you have friends now, eh Seanie!" She sighed, pulling into Tesco. The ride to Pontypridd had taken a lot less time than it had this morning. It might just be Stella's a shitty driver who liked speeding or this morning I’d been dreading school so I made the journey take longer mentally. Who knows? We got out the car and went into the store. It wasn't the biggest Tesco in the world, a lot smaller than the one in Merthyr. In Merthyr, we had Tesco AND Asda. Mam liked to do half her shopping in one place and the other half in another. I could never tell the difference to be honest. Mam made most her own food, like sauces and stuffing. She was the greatest cook ever. I loved coming home to smell Mam's cooking, it really brightened up my day.

Stella seemed to be stocking up for a nuclear disaster. All the food was frozen (but that’s because she couldn't cook like Mam could) or ready-made sauces. Mam used to tease Stella, saying she wouldn't be able to cook until she became a mother herself.

Damn, all the thoughts of Mam were painful. I never thought I'd lose her until she was old and frail. I never thought for a second her death would be a painful and strenuous struggle to breathe in an intense inferno. No one deserves to die that way. It sounded stupid, but Stella told me when I was little that all mammies become Angels when they died. I believed her. I believed she was watching over me now, as I walked through Tesco in a new life. I never thought losing Mam and Dad would be this hard. I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest and all that remained was a gigantic mess. My head was a mess, all this death in the air. I would kill to go back to the way things were before, despite things looking okay here.

"Sean!" Stella barked, snapping her fingers in front my face. I blinked out of the daze and gazed around like a lost puppy. "You zoned out"

I wasn't listening. Down the aisle, two teenagers stood there, examining a film. One had bright red hair like fire on top if his head. He was tall with deathly pale skin. I could just about make out a little bit of black eye liner smudged messily under his eyelashes. He was quite handsome, though his arm was around the other boy. I recognised him instantly by the sleek ginger hair swooping over his eyes. He was just as skinny in real life, maybe even thinner. From beneath his school uniform I noticed the mangled collar bone, though this time it was covered in bruises. He didn't look any different from the photograph. I must've been seeing things. This had to be a different boy to the one in the photo. He can't still be 16!

Suddenly he looked up and his gorgeous eyes met mine. My heart began to pound in my chest. I felt a little sick, unsure of whether I was seeing things or not. It felt real, and he looked real enough. Aren't ghosts see-through? I wondered what his skin felt like, it looked so smooth. He bit his pierced lip a little and smiled nervously. Fuck he was gorgeous! I smiled back, debating whether I should go ask him his name or something. I just wanted to hear the sound of his voice. Was he Welsh? More than likely. I'll just stand here and pretend he has a husky Russian accent. Hell that'd be so hot! As I stepped forwards to talk to him, his red haired boyfriend steered him away, film in hand. I sighed. Opportunity lost.

"SEAN!" Stella yelled. I swear I jumped nearly a foot into the air. She clipped the back of my head and rolled her eyes at me. See, I was hormonal teenager, I was allowed to get giddy every time I saw a good looking guy. This guy gave Josh a run for his money! Hell he was beautiful, pure and perfect. I sounded like a love drunk per-teen girl. Ugh. I'm gay - leave me alone. "What is up with you today? Just stay focused for five minutes PLEASE!" She was a rabbit of negative euphoria then.

"Sorry, these feelings tend to leave me with a hole in my chest" I mumbled in reply. Stella sighed and hugged me tightly.

"I know Sean, I know"