Naughts & Crosses

When I went blind, all I wanted was to see again. I was so miserable; I would do anything for my vision back. And as time went along I grew more and more bitter. I convinced myself that was okay, the world is ugly anyways, I was lucky I couldn’t see. Of course I knew it was all a lie, but it was how I got through it.

And then the surgery happened, and then I met Vic, and once again, all I wanted was my eyes so that I could see him and see my way around. Well, mostly him. But whatever.

Now that he was gone, I found that it was possible to miss something more than my sight. I would give my legs to have him back. It was like someone had taken a piece of my heart and honestly I never thought it was possible to feel this way about someone that you hadn’t even known for that long. I mean, maybe I’ve grown to depend on him a bit, sure. But I could have done that with Matty and Louis as well.

There was something special about Vic. Something that made him that much more lovely to be around that the others didn’t have, and I think that’s why I wasn’t so eager to see them. I mean, sure. Matty showed me the piano. But Vic showed me just how wonderful it could be. I think it was music that really brought us together.

My last few days in the center were not nearly as fantastic as the one when Vic had first kissed me. They dragged on so slowly. Rather than force me to the cafeteria, Cassidy just brought meals to me and forced me to eat them. I nibbled and probably ate about half of them before just giving up because I just wasn’t hungry. That’s kind of what happens when you’re harboring so much hurt; you’re too full of emptiness to eat.

Matty and Louis each visited me. Louis was actually getting out of there the next day; he seemed excited to be getting home. He mentioned the first place he was going was to his best friend. Matty didn’t say much, but that was like him. Louis was always a talker. Now I think he was just trying to fill the silence. Both of them could probably tell that I was kind of suffering now.

It was about three days after Vic left that I got called down to the doctor’s office. Cassidy walked my down, but for the most part I relied on my cane. I didn’t want her touching me.

“Mr. Quinn!” the doctor said when we got towards his office. “How are you today?”

“Shitty,” I answered honestly. I could just picture the disapproving looks he and Cassidy were probably giving me.

“Well, that’s about to change then,” said the doctor, a hint of happiness on his voice.

For a fleeting second, I thought that maybe, just maybe he was going to tell me that Vic was there. That was impossible though. He was here to check on my eyes again, that was all.

I sighed as he led me in to his examination room. “Have a seat,” he told me. I coughed and frowned, crossing my arms. “Oh, right,” he said, placing a hand on my shoulder and helping me to find his chair thing. It wasn’t like the gurney type of thing I had first laid down on. “Alright, now hold still.”

“What are you doing?” I asked him.

“Just follow my instructions.”

I felt the bandages being pulled at as he slowly started to peel them off. The cool air hit my skin, soothing it. I never noticed how irritating those bandages actually were. He cleaned my eyes, just liked he had done before, and then I heard some shuffling around and figured he was looking for new ones.

“Alright, I’m going to place this on your right eye,” he told me, and I felt some sort of gauze on my face. “Now I want you to slowly open your left eyelid, alright?”

Dear God, this was it. I was finally allowed to open my eyes… If Vic were here, he’d be holding my hand. Isn’t it funny, that how after all this time of being blind, he was my main concern? The only thing on my mind? I chuckled a little as I slowly opened my eye.

The light kind of hurt at first after they had been closed for so long. But it was a wonderful kind of pain. The doctor had the chair facing towards a window, and I knew exactly what I was looking at. It was the garden where Vic and I had first kissed. A small smile crept on to my face at the mere memory.

“Well?” asked the doctor.

“Picture perfect,” I whispered.

—

I never thought that I would be so happy to see Jesse in my life. He smiled as soon as he saw that I could actually see him standing there.

“Hey Quinn! How many fingers?” he teased, holding up three of his fingers.

“Forty,” I joked as he pulled me in for a quick hug.

“Ready to go?”

I nodded my head. I had already signed myself out, and all my stuff was by my side. I grabbed my suitcase and followed Jesse to the parking lot. Earlier that morning I had found Louis and Matty. I smiled; they were pretty much how I had imagined them to be. It was a bittersweet goodbye - I thanked them for being so kind and said we would have to keep in touch somehow and left my name, telling them to tweet me or something. Mentally I was kicking myself for not telling the same to Vic.

As we walked over to Jesse’s car, I turned back towards the center, looking it up and down. A lot had happened in the past week or so - some things that I’d like to forget and some that I’d remember forever. I slowly raised my hand in to the air, catching Jesse’s attention - and promptly gave it the middle finger. I hoped Cassidy was watching.

“I’m so fucking ready to go home,” I said as I got in to the rental car. We’d be flying home tonight. As much as I’d like to stay here and somehow locate Vic, I knew it was impossible. I’d be hurting myself even more if I tried.

We sped off towards the airport, away from here. You can’t really run from feelings, though.

—

Time may heal all wounds, but how long does it take for feelings to fade? I’ve come to the conclusion that they just don’t go away.

Its been a month, and I’m still not over him.

Every night I think about him just before I close my ever healing eyes. I haven’t told the others about him. I mean, they all asked if I met anyone and of course I mentioned the friends I’d met, and that he had been my favorite. Nothing more than that though… I figured if I didn’t talk about it, it would leave me alone.

But fuck! I’m still mad at myself. I’d give anything to feel that familiar tapping on my shoulder, but I knew that I never would again. I didn’t even know what he looked like, or what he sounded like. Shit, I couldn’t even remember his last name for God’s sake. I’d screwed myself over.

I groaned and rolled over on to my stomach. It was about noon, and I still hadn’t bothered to get out of bed yet. I scrolled through twitter on my phone, wondering what the fans were freaking out about now. I guess a part of me was praying Vic would find me. I was famous, so there was a chance, right? I scanned through the tweets, wondering if there would be one that read ‘I miss you,’ or ‘Kellin, its me! its Vic!’ but there was nothing of the sort.

Loads of them were screaming at me to collaborate with different artists - Shayley Bourget, Of Mice & Men, All Time Low, some band called Pierce the Veil, and the usual shitty local band looking for a few seconds of fame. My screen disappeared, switching with the one for a phone call.

“Well shit… hello?” I said, answering it.

“Kellin! How are you feeling?”

It was my manager. He never wanted anything good. “Just great. What’s up?”

“How do you feel about flying to San Diego for a few days in a week or two?”

“For what?” I asked, my heart already doing weird things. San Diego - that’s where the rehabilitation center was. That’s where I had met him… God, do I really want to go back there?

“Ever hear of Pierce the Veil? Their manager contacted me - you know their fans and our fans are begging for you to do a song together? Well, it’s happening. I’m booking your flight right now,” he told me.

That wasn’t a surprise. I guess they were kind of a big deal then. “Can I not?” I blurted out.

“What do you mean, can you not? You have to! It’ll be great; we’re already thinking of booking a tour with both of you on it if the song is big enough! Get pumped Kellin!”

I hung up my phone and through it on to my bed. Well fine, looks like I’m flying off to San Diego for some stupid band. The things I do for fans…

—

I never even bothered to listen to them before I went in to the studio. Hauntingly enough, their singer’s name was Vic. We hadn’t even talked over the phone, which would be the usual before working together, but whatever. I didn’t need to hear his voice. I wanted to hear MY Vic’s voice.

He emailed me the lyrics to the song we would be doing together. I had them in my pocket just in case, but I’m sure they’d have another set. The studio in San Diego was nice at least. I’ve recorded here before, but I was happy to do it then.

I sighed when I got there. God knows how this could go; I’d probably hate him right off the bat just because his name was Vic…

When I pushed open the door though, my breath kind of caught in my throat. The band was there - they were all Hispanic. Their eyes fell on me and they smiled, but my eyes were set on one guy in particular, who grinned as he stared back at me.

“You must be Kellin!” said a muscular guy with spikey hair.

“Uh, yeah,” I answered. The smallest of the group smiled even wider at the sound of my voice. Who even was he?

“I’m Jaime. That’s Tony, and Mike, and that there is Vic.” He pointed each of his band mates out in turn. I looked over towards the sound board; there was a guy sitting there playing with a few buttons with headphones over his ears.

“So uh… song?” I said awkwardly. I was never good in a room full of people I don’t know. And its even worse when I’m harboring so many emotions that I was trying to kill. Maybe singing would do me some good.

“Yeah dude. Vic, that’s up your alley,” said Jaime, sitting down on one of the couches.

The skinny dude, Vic, he got up, never once dropping his gaze. “Let’s just go ahead inside the booth,” he said. “We’re recording these together.” He reached out and for some reason, he took my wrist in his hand to pull me. Which was weird - I could just follow him in. It was right there.

There was such a warmth and comfort in that touch though. He pulled me in to the booth and shut the door behind him, still grinning at me. The others outside weren’t even looking and the sound guy was setting some things up, and he reached his hand up to my shoulder, and started tapping.

It took me a minute to realize what it was. It was Morse Code. He was tapping a message in a way that I found so dauntingly familiar.

‘I missed you so much, Kellin.’

A smile flew up my face and I lunged at him.

“Vic!” I cried, throwing my arms around his neck. He grabbed my waist and pulled me close, smashing our lips together. His bandmates must have been flabbergasted, but we didn’t care. “You found me!”

“I didn’t find you, my fans did. OUR fans did. You could have mentioned your band to me!” he said happily.

“You could have mentioned yours too! FUCK Vic, that was the worst fucking month of my life! I mean… like…” My thoughts were getting ahead of my voice now, and suddenly I couldn’t get enough of him. I looked him up and down. God, he was so fucking beautiful. He was more attractive that I imagined. “You’re fucking gorgeous,” I whispered. “God, you’re perfect…”

I stepped forward and kissed him once more, taking his hands in mine. He squeezed them; Holy shit I missed that feeling… And you know, you’d think it would remind me of when I was blind. And it did - only it brought back the memory of when the darkness I saw didn’t matter because of the light that went on in my heart.

“I’m so happy you came and that you remember…” he said softly.

“How could I forget?”

He smiled at me. His smile - I still felt it, that rush of warmth I got back in the center. “Please don’t leave me again,” he whispered. “Ever.”

“Deal,” I said. “I’ll be your voice if you be my eyes.”

He grinned, pulling me in for yet another kiss. When we pulled away, we both looked out of the window of the booth and started laughing hysterically at the shocked and confused faces of the others. It felt fantastic to laugh like this. We were giggling, honestly not even caring to explain it to them. We had too much kissing to catch up on.

I left that studio with a smile on my face and my heart pounding. I didn’t bother checking in to a hotel that night; I was staying with Vic. The whole time, I couldn’t keep my eyes off him. I didn’t even want to blink or miss a single second of this moment, or of this whole entire day.

After all, the world is beautiful. You’ve just got to look in the right places.