Status: Hey, I've decided to start from scratch and actually write about a story that really hit hard for me. The host has to be the best book I have ever read in my entire existence on this Earth. You might of guessed that I'm a huge fan. This is a fanfiction about how Wanderer reacts to her new self and b
Die for Her
Strength~
People still gave me those awkward, unsettling glares whenever I walked pass them every now and then because no matter how different I looked, I was still a parasite in some of their eyes. I wasn’t one of them and some of the humans still found that hard to accept. Except the ones that mattered, which is all right then I suppose. I remember when Ian and me went back to that place where he took me that time all of those months ago. Finally, I could be with him and kiss him without Melanie’s hesitations. That was probably the best part about being in a different body. I could laugh and talk and hold him the way I wanted to without her reluctance. Not that I resented her at all for it because to be honest, I didn’t exactly like being in the middle of hers and Jared’s love fiasco but ah well. Yes, these days in my own body, or as much of my own as I would get, did have its benefits. I remembered mostly, the part where I looked into his eyes and he whispered words that he knew meant the world to me. Words that made me shiver with happiness and excitement. Words that made me smile and laugh for days. Words that made me feel warm and complete inside. Words that made me realise how lucky I was and how I’d never take it for granted…
I also often look back on the times Jamie and me spent together. Most of them, Melanie was with us too, which only made it better. We’d usually end up telling him about what it felt like to be the same person, as he never stopped asking questions. He seemed really intrigued by us and he wasn’t the only one. We often had Doc or Jeb asking us what it was like and how it worked but the truth is, none of us really knew how it worked. I mean, the part were the host lives on and can even act or speak on your behalf. All of them; Jeb, Doc, Jamie, Ian, Jared and even Kyle were intrigued by our story and even all of those people weren’t the only ones willing to listen. Jeb had Melanie and I speak to people and tell them our story like I used to do. Instead, we now talked to them about how it was like to share the same body and mind and how we coped with each other but the absolute truth was, was that at some points back then we couldn’t cope with all of what was going on. We couldn’t always cope with the other voice in our head. But we managed, in the end. As you might remember, one time, things got too much for me and I ended up shouting at Melanie to get out of my head. She did, which was one of the worst days of my life because I didn’t have her there for me when Jamie fell sick but she came back just at the right time. Just like I always knew she would. I guess I really couldn’t live without her…
Jeb and Doc were still a little awkward when it came to speaking to us both though, because they now knew the possibilities of my future were 50/50 and I guess they hated it just as much as Melanie, Ian, Jamie and even Jared did. They said that they’d find someway to help but I really don’t know because to live on may mean sacrifices and I couldn’t risk that. The problem was, was that they had figured out that something was up with me. I’d lost some traces of memory and the signs that I knew to mean the inevitable began to return but they didn’t know about the second part, about what these signs had meant. There was only Melanie and I who knew and I think she was fighting the possibilities off, not wanting to believe them but someone had to. No, all that Doc and Jeb knew was that recently, I haven’t been myself and when they did some tests on me, Doc said that I wasn’t as healthy as I used to be and that he’d noticed some dramatic changes in my well being. He noticed that I needed more rest than I did before and that I couldn’t do the simplest of tasks. But the worst of it all, was that my heart rate was going dramatically fast and this was how he knew that I was dying. He said he saw all of the signs but there surely would be a way to stop it. Yes, there was but I already had that part ruled out but I couldn’t just tell all the people I loved that I was going to die for certain unless… unless I did what I would never ever do. I couldn’t do that. I wouldn’t. But could I just keep leading them on like I didn’t have the cure? Could I really keep on doing that? And what about Ian? What would he do? How would he react when he found out that this time, that this time I couldn’t stop it? Would he die too? I mean, would a part of him die inside? Did he love me that much? Would I ever be able to forgive myself for hurting him? Would I ever forget the pain he’d have in his eyes when he’d realise the inevitable truth? I guess, I didn’t know the answers to any of my questions and I didn’t want to know either…
“Are you okay?” I remember Doc asking me when I went to visit him one time. I don’t know why I went or how I’d managed to bring myself to go there in the first place but I was there now and I couldn’t turn back. “I’m…good” I lied, tears still falling down my cheeks. Would I tell him? Could I trust him not to tell Jeb, or even worse Ian or Melanie? I knew that he’d never tell Jamie but I couldn’t risk him telling the others. Instead, I tried to tell him as much as possible about how I felt without actually telling him the real reason behind my tears. “I’m scared, if I’m honest” I choked out, my voice shaken with tears. He shook his head “there’s no need to be Wanda. What are you scared of?” I shook my head, knowing what he intended by this. He thought I was scared of someone or something but that wasn’t the case at all. “Myself…” he looked deeper into my eyes, searching for an answer “and what it’d do to him, if I hurt him again.” He sighed with a little sympathy, a little curiosity and answered, hesitating first “Ian?” I nodded. Was I that predictable? “Well, what is it your scared of doing to him?” I looked down at my hands, both wrapped around the other, searching for comfort but couldn’t find it, “breaking him, breaking us, I guess.” Doc just put a hand on my shoulder and patted it lightly “it’s going to be okay, Wanda. Tell me, if you think it’ll make you feel better to get it out.” I shrugged, knowing that I couldn’t. “I cant” I looked at him again now “it’s…complicated, I guess.” He nodded, taking in my saddened mood and tried again “well, just tell me the part you think you can tell me.” I nodded, knowing that there was some things I could tell him but just not everything. Not yet…
So I told him all about how if I went along with something, I could end up hurting someone I loved more than anything in the long run and how I didn’t know whether I should tell people about it or not. I was glad that he didn’t push it, that he just listened intently and let me get it all out. Well, all of it that I allowed him to know. I was very careful telling him about all of this because I didn’t want any part of Melanie’s and my secret to slip out by accident. Well, some of it she didn’t even know or believe but still, I wouldn’t tell anyone else about any of that. Not even Ian. Well, especially not Ian. I couldn’t hurt him. Not yet. I had to seek out help about what I should do and how I’d go about it first. “Um, yeah” I managed to stop myself from blurting out the inevitable, “that’s it.” He shook his head, as if he didn’t believe or follow what I’d said, “no. There’s something else isn’t there? Please, just tell me Wanda” he pleaded, sadness in his voice as he realised more tears forming in my eyes. “I told you, I cant” I shivered and looked over my shoulder, there he was. Ian. Standing at the entrance of the hospital room. Shock and anger filled his eyes and face. I understood why this was the case, it was because he knew that I wasn’t telling him something and I guess he hated not knowing why I was so upset. I could understand him on that point, so I got up from where I sat with my head in my hands and I slowly, carefully walked to him, being careful not to stumble or fall. He caught me when I did and I expected him to shout at me for not telling him what I really knew inside but instead he wrapped his warm, caressing arms around my waist and rested his head on my neck. He kissed my neck gently and moved his lips to my ear, “come back with me. I need to… tell you something Wanda.” I pulled away from him to look at his gaze, which was kind and loving but with a hint of worry. I nodded, hesitating before I did so and he then took my hand and let me out of the hospital. I only just managed to say goodbye to Doc before he walked me out…
When we arrived at our room, he put his arm around my waist again and lifted me up into his arms. He kissed me on the cheek, then on my neck and finally drifting to my lips, walking in whilst he did so. When we were in, he let me down and embraced me again, “there’s no point in wasting time trying to get you to tell me everything Wanda but I cant… I cant just sit back and watch you hurt! I wont, please…” I pressed my lips softly against his before he could finish. The kiss got stronger and more passionate within only seconds, leaving me a little dizzy and light-headed. He walked me over to where the bed lay and I sat down on the edge. He knelt by me, nearly on top of me and his lips touched mine again, starting another spark. Being in the moment of it all, I leant back and rested myself against the sheets. He soon followed, again placing his lips on me again but this time on my neck. He slowly moved them from my neck, to my cheekbones and finally to my ear. He whispered something so quiet that I only just about heard him, “I want you Wanda, I need you!” I looked back into his eyes, full of passion and completely lost in the moment, like mine. I pulled him into me again and let our love flow at natures pace. Things got more exciting and thrilling, making me have the urges to pull him closer and tighter against my body. He groaned with satisfaction as I did so and so did I. I wanted this. My body wanted this. But most of all, my soul wanted this. I pulled him as close as humanely possible as I could and let our love flow…
It took all of the strength I had to pull myself away from him. Sighing disappointingly as I did. He tried to carry on the beautiful moment by pressing his lips forcefully against mine in a desperate attempt but I couldn’t. I wanted to give in and carry on kissing him like there was no tomorrow but I couldn’t erase it. The thing that made me shiver every time our lips touched. The thing that made me realise what could be. The thing that would surely break us but I wouldn’t let it. I couldn’t let it. I loved him too much. In my head, I heard the voice I’d recognised way too easily. I didn’t know whether she was really there or not but I couldn’t focus on Ian at that moment. I couldn’t think straight. It seemed way too real. Way too intense to not be true. At first, I thought I’d imagined her. That I’d just began to reminisce on the past. Back when it was rather ordinary, to have her lurking in my mind. But now, now she shouldn’t be there. But a part of me all ready knew the reason behind this. The part of me that was hiding in the shadows because of this very reason. The part of me that was trying to avoid reminiscing over the thought but couldn’t help it when it was happening right there and then. What would I say to him? Could I just walk out? No. But what other choice did I have? He’d obviously want to know what was up with me. But I couldn’t tell him this. I couldn’t worry him so…
“What is it?” he asked me, worry in his voice when he did. He looked deep into my eyes, which made me feel guilty for not answering right away. “What’s wrong?” Again, when I didn’t answer, he threw another impossible question my way. Impossible, because even though they seemed easy enough to answer, there was no way I could answer them without telling him every thing. “Was it… the kiss?” I shook my head quickly after he demanded this. No, no! It wasn’t the kiss at all! Was that really what he thought? Did he feel that way himself? There were so many questions to be answered. So many questions yet so little time. “No! That was the best…” He kissed me again, shock washed through me, I didn’t expect that one coming. I carefully pulled away, aware of his feelings about this and hugged him instead, “I want to tell you but I cant” I sighed because I really did want to let it out, “no, the kiss was beautiful Ian but I-I have to go.” I saw the disappointment grow in his eyes; I quickly tried to comfort his saddened eyes. “But I’ll be right back, I promise.” He nodded, releasing his warm, loving hold on me and I pulled away quickly before I had chance to hesitate. I kissed his forehead and then got back to my feet. “Like I said, I’ll be right back, don’t worry.” He nodded and stood up so that he was now taller than me, “cant promise that.” I laughed, knowing that he meant he’d worry because he cared for me so much and I cared for him in this way too. I pulled away from the perfect moment before I got way too enticed and intrigued to pull myself away. I turned my back to him and left before I changed my mind…
I guess, me walking away was a kind of strength, as I really wanted to give in to him. Well, to what my body wanted and what I believed I needed. I wanted to stay with him and kiss him until I couldn’t breathe any longer but I knew that I had to see her. I had to see my sister. Melanie…
I also often look back on the times Jamie and me spent together. Most of them, Melanie was with us too, which only made it better. We’d usually end up telling him about what it felt like to be the same person, as he never stopped asking questions. He seemed really intrigued by us and he wasn’t the only one. We often had Doc or Jeb asking us what it was like and how it worked but the truth is, none of us really knew how it worked. I mean, the part were the host lives on and can even act or speak on your behalf. All of them; Jeb, Doc, Jamie, Ian, Jared and even Kyle were intrigued by our story and even all of those people weren’t the only ones willing to listen. Jeb had Melanie and I speak to people and tell them our story like I used to do. Instead, we now talked to them about how it was like to share the same body and mind and how we coped with each other but the absolute truth was, was that at some points back then we couldn’t cope with all of what was going on. We couldn’t always cope with the other voice in our head. But we managed, in the end. As you might remember, one time, things got too much for me and I ended up shouting at Melanie to get out of my head. She did, which was one of the worst days of my life because I didn’t have her there for me when Jamie fell sick but she came back just at the right time. Just like I always knew she would. I guess I really couldn’t live without her…
Jeb and Doc were still a little awkward when it came to speaking to us both though, because they now knew the possibilities of my future were 50/50 and I guess they hated it just as much as Melanie, Ian, Jamie and even Jared did. They said that they’d find someway to help but I really don’t know because to live on may mean sacrifices and I couldn’t risk that. The problem was, was that they had figured out that something was up with me. I’d lost some traces of memory and the signs that I knew to mean the inevitable began to return but they didn’t know about the second part, about what these signs had meant. There was only Melanie and I who knew and I think she was fighting the possibilities off, not wanting to believe them but someone had to. No, all that Doc and Jeb knew was that recently, I haven’t been myself and when they did some tests on me, Doc said that I wasn’t as healthy as I used to be and that he’d noticed some dramatic changes in my well being. He noticed that I needed more rest than I did before and that I couldn’t do the simplest of tasks. But the worst of it all, was that my heart rate was going dramatically fast and this was how he knew that I was dying. He said he saw all of the signs but there surely would be a way to stop it. Yes, there was but I already had that part ruled out but I couldn’t just tell all the people I loved that I was going to die for certain unless… unless I did what I would never ever do. I couldn’t do that. I wouldn’t. But could I just keep leading them on like I didn’t have the cure? Could I really keep on doing that? And what about Ian? What would he do? How would he react when he found out that this time, that this time I couldn’t stop it? Would he die too? I mean, would a part of him die inside? Did he love me that much? Would I ever be able to forgive myself for hurting him? Would I ever forget the pain he’d have in his eyes when he’d realise the inevitable truth? I guess, I didn’t know the answers to any of my questions and I didn’t want to know either…
“Are you okay?” I remember Doc asking me when I went to visit him one time. I don’t know why I went or how I’d managed to bring myself to go there in the first place but I was there now and I couldn’t turn back. “I’m…good” I lied, tears still falling down my cheeks. Would I tell him? Could I trust him not to tell Jeb, or even worse Ian or Melanie? I knew that he’d never tell Jamie but I couldn’t risk him telling the others. Instead, I tried to tell him as much as possible about how I felt without actually telling him the real reason behind my tears. “I’m scared, if I’m honest” I choked out, my voice shaken with tears. He shook his head “there’s no need to be Wanda. What are you scared of?” I shook my head, knowing what he intended by this. He thought I was scared of someone or something but that wasn’t the case at all. “Myself…” he looked deeper into my eyes, searching for an answer “and what it’d do to him, if I hurt him again.” He sighed with a little sympathy, a little curiosity and answered, hesitating first “Ian?” I nodded. Was I that predictable? “Well, what is it your scared of doing to him?” I looked down at my hands, both wrapped around the other, searching for comfort but couldn’t find it, “breaking him, breaking us, I guess.” Doc just put a hand on my shoulder and patted it lightly “it’s going to be okay, Wanda. Tell me, if you think it’ll make you feel better to get it out.” I shrugged, knowing that I couldn’t. “I cant” I looked at him again now “it’s…complicated, I guess.” He nodded, taking in my saddened mood and tried again “well, just tell me the part you think you can tell me.” I nodded, knowing that there was some things I could tell him but just not everything. Not yet…
So I told him all about how if I went along with something, I could end up hurting someone I loved more than anything in the long run and how I didn’t know whether I should tell people about it or not. I was glad that he didn’t push it, that he just listened intently and let me get it all out. Well, all of it that I allowed him to know. I was very careful telling him about all of this because I didn’t want any part of Melanie’s and my secret to slip out by accident. Well, some of it she didn’t even know or believe but still, I wouldn’t tell anyone else about any of that. Not even Ian. Well, especially not Ian. I couldn’t hurt him. Not yet. I had to seek out help about what I should do and how I’d go about it first. “Um, yeah” I managed to stop myself from blurting out the inevitable, “that’s it.” He shook his head, as if he didn’t believe or follow what I’d said, “no. There’s something else isn’t there? Please, just tell me Wanda” he pleaded, sadness in his voice as he realised more tears forming in my eyes. “I told you, I cant” I shivered and looked over my shoulder, there he was. Ian. Standing at the entrance of the hospital room. Shock and anger filled his eyes and face. I understood why this was the case, it was because he knew that I wasn’t telling him something and I guess he hated not knowing why I was so upset. I could understand him on that point, so I got up from where I sat with my head in my hands and I slowly, carefully walked to him, being careful not to stumble or fall. He caught me when I did and I expected him to shout at me for not telling him what I really knew inside but instead he wrapped his warm, caressing arms around my waist and rested his head on my neck. He kissed my neck gently and moved his lips to my ear, “come back with me. I need to… tell you something Wanda.” I pulled away from him to look at his gaze, which was kind and loving but with a hint of worry. I nodded, hesitating before I did so and he then took my hand and let me out of the hospital. I only just managed to say goodbye to Doc before he walked me out…
When we arrived at our room, he put his arm around my waist again and lifted me up into his arms. He kissed me on the cheek, then on my neck and finally drifting to my lips, walking in whilst he did so. When we were in, he let me down and embraced me again, “there’s no point in wasting time trying to get you to tell me everything Wanda but I cant… I cant just sit back and watch you hurt! I wont, please…” I pressed my lips softly against his before he could finish. The kiss got stronger and more passionate within only seconds, leaving me a little dizzy and light-headed. He walked me over to where the bed lay and I sat down on the edge. He knelt by me, nearly on top of me and his lips touched mine again, starting another spark. Being in the moment of it all, I leant back and rested myself against the sheets. He soon followed, again placing his lips on me again but this time on my neck. He slowly moved them from my neck, to my cheekbones and finally to my ear. He whispered something so quiet that I only just about heard him, “I want you Wanda, I need you!” I looked back into his eyes, full of passion and completely lost in the moment, like mine. I pulled him into me again and let our love flow at natures pace. Things got more exciting and thrilling, making me have the urges to pull him closer and tighter against my body. He groaned with satisfaction as I did so and so did I. I wanted this. My body wanted this. But most of all, my soul wanted this. I pulled him as close as humanely possible as I could and let our love flow…
It took all of the strength I had to pull myself away from him. Sighing disappointingly as I did. He tried to carry on the beautiful moment by pressing his lips forcefully against mine in a desperate attempt but I couldn’t. I wanted to give in and carry on kissing him like there was no tomorrow but I couldn’t erase it. The thing that made me shiver every time our lips touched. The thing that made me realise what could be. The thing that would surely break us but I wouldn’t let it. I couldn’t let it. I loved him too much. In my head, I heard the voice I’d recognised way too easily. I didn’t know whether she was really there or not but I couldn’t focus on Ian at that moment. I couldn’t think straight. It seemed way too real. Way too intense to not be true. At first, I thought I’d imagined her. That I’d just began to reminisce on the past. Back when it was rather ordinary, to have her lurking in my mind. But now, now she shouldn’t be there. But a part of me all ready knew the reason behind this. The part of me that was hiding in the shadows because of this very reason. The part of me that was trying to avoid reminiscing over the thought but couldn’t help it when it was happening right there and then. What would I say to him? Could I just walk out? No. But what other choice did I have? He’d obviously want to know what was up with me. But I couldn’t tell him this. I couldn’t worry him so…
“What is it?” he asked me, worry in his voice when he did. He looked deep into my eyes, which made me feel guilty for not answering right away. “What’s wrong?” Again, when I didn’t answer, he threw another impossible question my way. Impossible, because even though they seemed easy enough to answer, there was no way I could answer them without telling him every thing. “Was it… the kiss?” I shook my head quickly after he demanded this. No, no! It wasn’t the kiss at all! Was that really what he thought? Did he feel that way himself? There were so many questions to be answered. So many questions yet so little time. “No! That was the best…” He kissed me again, shock washed through me, I didn’t expect that one coming. I carefully pulled away, aware of his feelings about this and hugged him instead, “I want to tell you but I cant” I sighed because I really did want to let it out, “no, the kiss was beautiful Ian but I-I have to go.” I saw the disappointment grow in his eyes; I quickly tried to comfort his saddened eyes. “But I’ll be right back, I promise.” He nodded, releasing his warm, loving hold on me and I pulled away quickly before I had chance to hesitate. I kissed his forehead and then got back to my feet. “Like I said, I’ll be right back, don’t worry.” He nodded and stood up so that he was now taller than me, “cant promise that.” I laughed, knowing that he meant he’d worry because he cared for me so much and I cared for him in this way too. I pulled away from the perfect moment before I got way too enticed and intrigued to pull myself away. I turned my back to him and left before I changed my mind…
I guess, me walking away was a kind of strength, as I really wanted to give in to him. Well, to what my body wanted and what I believed I needed. I wanted to stay with him and kiss him until I couldn’t breathe any longer but I knew that I had to see her. I had to see my sister. Melanie…
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"I guess, me walking away was a kind of strength, as I really wanted to give in to him. Well, to what my body wanted and what I believed I needed. I wanted to stay with him and kiss him until I couldn't breathe any longer but I knew that I had to see her. I had to see my sister. Melanie…"