Unfinished Business and a Promise


I opened my eyes to the white ceiling of the bedroom I shared with my boyfriend, Kellin. I sat up in the bed, finding myself to be wide awake at once, which was odd. Usually, it took me a good fifteen minutes to feel like an actually human instead of a zombie. I turned my head to look at Kellin’s side of the bed, which was empty. I frowned and looked at the alarm clock on the bedside table. It was four thirty, which meant that Kellin would be home from work soon.

I pushed myself off of the bed and walked to the bathroom to take a shower. As I let the hot water beat down on my back, my mind wandered back to the fight Kellin and I had in the car a couple of days ago. What was weird, was that I couldn’t exactly remember if we had ever talked about it after it happened. My eyebrows knit together as I racked my brain, trying to remember anything at all about the past couple of days. This wasn’t normal. There were small flickers of images in my mind, like how Kellin had spilled coffee on his shirt before we left that day or the fact that I had tried to make pancakes that morning and almost set the house on fire. But the one thing that stuck out in my mind the most was the argument.

Kellin and I were both on our way to work. He had to be at work earlier than I did, so I was going to drop him off, as per usual, and then continue on to my place of employment. I don’t quite remember how the argument had started, but I remember him accusing me of cheating on him, which isn’t true. Kellin didn’t have many flaws, but one of them was his jealousy. I could barely hang out with my friends for more than a couple of hours before he would start thinking that I was cheating on him. He was hard to live with sometimes, especially when he was like that, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. But we both had said things that I knew we regretted and it was getting increasingly frustrating that I couldn’t remember if we had apologized to each other or not.

I realized I had been standing in the shower long enough that the water was beginning to run cold. I turned the water off and stepped out of the shower, wrapping a towel around my waist. I walked back to the bedroom and began getting dressed when I heard a car door being slammed. I moved to the window and saw Kellin walking up the steps to the door. I felt a smile form on my lips as I saw my perfect boyfriend. I knew I needed to apologize for things that were said, I didn’t care if I was repeating myself, I really couldn’t remember if I had or not!

I threw a shirt on as Kellin walked through the door of the bedroom. I turned and opened my mouth to speak to him, but his appearance shocked me into speechlessness. My eyes widened as they took in the dark circles under his eyes and the expression on his face. I couldn’t place that look. He just looked…empty. There was no emotion on his face at all. It scared me. He still hadn’t said anything to me, which worried me. We obviously hadn’t talked about the argument.

“Kellin, we need to talk about what happened.” I said quietly, looking at him expectantly, waiting on him to say something.

But he didn’t say anything. He walked past me to the dresser to pull out a pair of jeans and a t shirt and then made his way to the door. My mouth fell open as a hurt expression crossed over my face. He was ignoring me? Why was this happening? We’ve had arguments before, some worse than the one we had a couple of days ago, but he had never ignored me before.

“Kellin, I’m sorry! Why are you ignoring me? Please, talk to me.” It seemed as if my plea fell on deaf ears, because he didn’t respond. He just walked out of the bedroom and made his way towards the bathroom. I followed him, not ready to give up.

“Kellin, I know I said some things I shouldn’t have, but you did, too. I’m not ignoring you! Why are you doing this?” I asked, my voice rising.

I followed him to the bathroom, about to open my mouth once more, but he shut the door right in my face. I stood there for a moment, my mouth hanging open. I must have said something horrible to him. I wanted to rip my hair out, in that moment, because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t remember what happened!

I walked to the living room and sat on the arm of the couch, my eyes on the bathroom door. We were going to talk, whether he wanted to or not. We had to. We couldn’t spend our days and nights not talking to each other over some stupid argument. This is was ridiculous.

The bathroom door opened, Kellin emerging in pajama bottoms. I stood up, expecting him to look at me, but he just turned and walked back into the bedroom. I groaned loudly, out of frustration. This wasn’t like him at all. He’s never done this before. I made my way back to our bedroom to see him already laying in bed with his back turned to me, his cell phone to his ear. My eyebrows knit together in confusion. I leaned against the door frame and listened. I didn’t feel bad about eavesdropping, this was my house, too. And he was my boyfriend.

“Matty, I can’t do this. I haven’t slept since it happened. Every time I close my eyes, I see him. And it’s like I can hear him. I swear, I’m going crazy.” Kellin’s voice sounded broken, like he was crying as he spoke.

I took a step forward, confused as hell. I wanted to hold him, but something stopped me. I needed to know what he was talking about. I heard a slight buzzing begin in my head. It was annoying and I couldn’t make it go away. I closed my eyes and listened to Kellin continue to talk.

“The funeral is tomorrow. I don’t know if I can do this. I said horrible things to him right before the crash…I-I didn’t even get a-a chance t-to say goodbye.” I noticed Kellin’s body shaking with quiet sobs.

I wanted to go to him, but the buzzing in my head was too loud for me to focus on anything. Suddenly, a scene played out before my eyes, like a silent film, except Kellin and I were in it. It was the day of our argument, that much I knew. I watched as we yelled at each other, our faces contorting into masks of anger. And then, I watched as I turned my head to yell at him, right as a dump truck slammed into the driver’s side of my car. The scene changed. I saw Kellin sitting on the back of an ambulance, that same dead expression on his face as I saw earlier. And then finally, I saw my own body on a stretcher, in a white bag that was being zipped up. The last thing I saw was my bloodied face, almost unrecognizable.

The scene left my vision, leaving me cold and shaking. No, this couldn’t be happening. I wasn’t dead. I couldn’t be dead. I’m right here! I feel the same! I looked at Kellin, who was still talking on the phone.

“Kellin.” I spoke, not receiving an answer. “Kellin! Answer me, please!” I yelled as loud as I could. I walked to the bed and leaned over towards him. “KELLIN!!” I screamed, letting out all my frustration and confusion. He didn’t even flinch. So he hadn’t been ignoring me. Everything began to come together, everything making sense. I was dead.

I felt tears slip down my face. What was going to happen to me now? There was no bright light, no tunnel, no angel telling me to follow them to Heaven. There was nothing, but me and my beautiful boy sobbing on our bed, and he didn’t even know I was there. At that moment, I didn’t care about being dead. I didn’t care about the argument. All I cared about was being with Kellin.

I carefully laid down beside him, his back still to me. I didn’t know why I was being careful, he still hadn’t acknowledged my presence, because I had no presence. At this point, Kellin had quit talking on the phone. I watched as he turned on his back, his dead looking eyes staring up at the ceiling. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to talk to him so badly, but he couldn’t hear me. I was afraid to touch him, afraid of what might happen, so I stayed still and looked into his eyes as I spoke. I had to get these words out.

“Kellin, I know you can’t hear me…but I wanted you to know that I’m sorry for everything I said to you.” The tears started spilling from my eyes as soon as I began talking. “I’m sorry that I wasn’t paying attention to the road. I never ever expected anything like that to happen. I’m so sorry I left you. But…I’m right here. I’ll always be right here, I promise. I love you, Kellin.” The words left me, making me feel lighter.

I watched as Kellin blinked, his eyes focusing. He spoke quietly.

“I’m sorry, Vic. I’m sorry for everything. I miss you so much. I love you. I’ll always love you, no matter what. I just hope you forgive me, wherever you are.”

I looked at him, quiet sobs escaping from my throat. “I forgive you, Kellin. I’ll always forgive you.”

I watched as Kellin closed his eyes, finally going to sleep. I lay there and watched over him, planning to do the same every night until he and I were together once again.