Will You Be There?
Chapter 5
**At the Funeral: Ryan's POV*
I sat in the back, no one noticed me, thank God. Everyone surrounded the coffin of the dead girl. Felix was just there, looking down. I sighed, this was all just too shocking for him. As I starred at him, I realized his fist where clenched. He suddenly started bursting in tears and shouted, "N-no! Marzia you can't be dead. You just can't." I cried, I couldn't't help it.
**Felix's POV*
I cried so loudly, but I couldn't help it. Marzia was dead. When I held her hand, the hand that used to be so warm, is now so cold. My little piece of heaven, has turned to dark. My hand brushed against her cheek, she was just so cold. Colder than snow, colder than anything I had ever touched. I wanted her to wake up, to open those big brown eyes for me. But now I know, the coldness from her dead body told me, she was never coming back. I guess you really never understand death until someone very close to you is gone. You realize you can't do anything to bring them back, they will never come back. You'll never see them smile or laugh, you'll never hear their sweet voice again. They're just gone. . . Forever. I tightened the grip on Marzia's hand, she's gone. My little piece of Heaven is gone.
I looked behind me, Cry just looked down. I didn't blame him, he only met Marzia a few times over Skype. But I'm glade he came with me
, it means so much. I just can't be alone right now. Maybe I'll never stand that eerie feeling of loneliness. I looked back to Mariza's dead face, tears fell again. I just want her to wake up. I mumbled, "Wake up, Marzia. Wake up!" I started to shout, "WAKE UP, PLEASE! I NEED YOU!"
A couple of people held me back, they told me to calm myself. I sighed they were all right. After 30 more minutes, it was time to bury her. When everyone left, I stood there, for hours and hours. And through all that time, Cry was standing next to me. Every now and then he would pat my back and say, "I'm sorry. . ."
It was about 7 pm when Cry suggested we should go home. I simply nodded, I couldn't talk anymore. Or at least, I had no words to say. The love of my life is dead, but thankfully, my best friend was here to help me through it. I seriously didn't know what I'd do without him.
We sat in the car in total silence, no words were spoken. I decided to turn some music on, and just my luck. Carrie Underwood's song, "Just a Dream." Though I didn't like the song, the words said exactly how I felt.
It was two weeks after the day he turned eighteen
All dressed in black
Going to the church that night
He had her box of letters in the passenger seat
Sixpence in a shoe, something borrowed, something blue
And when the church doors opened up wide
He put his sunglasses down
Trying to hide the tears
Oh he just couldn't believe it
He heard trumpets from the military band
And the rings fell out of his hand
Baby why'd you leave me
Why'd you have to go?
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
I can't even breathe
It's like I'm looking from a distance
Standing in the background
Everybody's saying, she's not coming home now
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream.
The preacher man said let us bow our heads and pray
Lord please lift her soul, and heal this hurt
Then the congregation all stood up and sang the saddest song that he ever heard
Then they handed him a folded up flag
And he held on to all he had left of her
Oh, and what could have been
And then the guns rang one last shot
And it felt like a bullet in his heart.
Baby why'd you leave me?
Why'd you have to go?I was counting on forever, now I'll never know.
I can't even breathe. .
It's like I'm looking from a distance,
Standing in the background,
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now,
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream
Oh,
Baby why'd you leave me
Why'd you have to go?
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
Oh, now I'll never know
It's like I'm looking from a distance
Standing in the background
Everybody's saying, she's not coming home now
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream
Oh, this is just a dream
Just a dream
Yeah, Yeah.
(AN: I'm crying right now. TT^TT Listen to the song and read this. . . AND YES I CHANGED THE SONG SO IT CAN FIT FELIX'S FEELINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
I cried loudly, this was my song. I miss her. . . I loved her. Why is this happening to me? Could it only be a dream? I cried, then I felt a warm hand touch my shoulder, "Hey man. . . You'll be okay. I know it's hard. But think about it this way. . ."
I sniffed, "What?"
He pulled over and looked to the stars, "Don't think of her as a dead girl. Think of her as the girl who was full of life, the girl that made you smile and laugh, the girl that will always be with you, no matter if she's dead or alive."
I cried loudly, "It still hurts Ryan. I mean. . . I'll never see her again. I feel so. . . Lonely. I mean, will I ever love again? Will I ever smile and laugh? Will I ever be as happy with someone else as I was with her?"
Ryan starred at me for a few moments, then he frowned, "Pewds. . I can not answer those questions. But I will tell you this, you will never stop loving her. Just because she's gone, doesn't mean the love you have for her is. Marzia. . . Was amazing. She was very beautiful, she was funny. . . Pewds, she was your perfect girl. Think of it that way..."
I starred out my window, "You know. . . I was planning on proposing to her the night she died. I had bought the rings and everything, Now I'll never know what could have been. . ."
Ryan sniffled, "I'm sorry. . ."
He just started the car and drove back home. I felt bad for Ryan, he just didn't know the feeling.
**Ryan's POV**
I wanted to cry. Not for me, but for Pewds. He was just so hurt, and I can't help him. I feel so useless, I feel like the worst best friend ever. I let a few tears go, this is just a heard time for everyone. I sighed, and stopped in front of the house. Neither one of us wanted to get out, I smiled and looked at Felix, "Go on ahead, I need to be alone for a moment."
Felix nodded and walked to the front door, the moment he walked in, I burst into tears. I hated myself, I feel like I'm not the support Felix deserves. I'm just a fuck-tard who was in love with him. I cried and cried, I just wanted Felix to be okay. I don't care about myself, I just can't stand Felix feeling so alone. I don't want him to feel the way I do. . . That would hurt me more than anything.
I sniffed and wiped my eyes, I put my mask on and stumbled out of the car, I was weak. I gathered my strength and smiled. I walked in the house, Felix just sat on the couch watching a home video.
"Hahaha. Oh Felix, you make me laugh so much. I love you."
Felix bit his lip, "Marzia. . Will you always be here with me?"
Marzia kissed his lips, "I can not promise you I'll stay here forever, Felix. But I promise you. . . I will always love you. No matter how many times we fight, yell scream, I will always love you. Not even death will stop me from loving you."
Felix held onto Marzia, "Please don't die, I need you. ."
The screen went black. . .
I looked at Felix, he had turned off the TV. I couldn't blame him, I honestly would have done the same.
"Hey man. . .", my voice cracked a bit.
"Don't cry for me, Ryan. There is no need for it. I'm fine. . ."
I lost it, "NO YOU'RE NOT!! YOU'RE CRUMBING INSIDE AND THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT!! NO MATTER WHAT I SAY, I CAN'T BRING HAPPINESS INTO YOU'RE LIFE!" I paused for a moment, "Felix. . . All I want in the world is to see you happy. Why? Because you are my best friend. . I don't want to see you so depressed. ."
Felix just smiled, "Well, I'll be like this for a little while, But you do help me, Cry. Even though I don't show it, you do help me. I would be so much worse without you." He chuckled, "No homo."
I smiled, "Okay. I'm going to bed, night."
He waved me a goodnight. When I walked down the hallway, I suddenly felt tired, I scrambled to my room, The minute I hit my bed, I went into a deep slumber.
**Felix's POV**
When Cry went to sleep, I quickly went to my room to record. I got my headphones and sat in my chair. I turned the webcam on, for a few seconds, I couldn't speak. . Then I took a deep breath and smiled at the camera, "How's it going bros? I'm sorry I haven't uploaded in a while. . . Something terrible happened." my eyes became watery, "M-my g-girlfriend, M-Marzia passed away a few days ago. And I've been really down lately, I probably won't upload much for a while, and I'm sorry. . . Um. . Also, as you know, Cry is coming to Italy. Well, he's staying at my place, helping me with my sadness. So we're sorry if we don't put up as much videos as we used to. This is just a really hard time. . . I'm going to play a song and show you guys some pictures of me and Marzia for the next 5 minutes. . Hope you enjoy it. . . Again I'm really sorry. . . Love you all,bye."
I worked on the video all night, I wanted to make it perfect. At 6 pm, I uploaded the video and titled it, "My girlfriend passed away. . ."
I didn't feel tired, I just felt empty. I closed my laptop and starred at the wall in front of me, I stayed like this for hours. Until a small knock hit my door, I blinked, "Come in. . ."
Ryan opened the door slowly, "Um. . . Pewds. . . I made you breakfast."
I turned around and smiled tiredly, "I'm sorry but I think I'll pass. . I'm not feeling hungry at the moment."
Ryan simply nodded and closed the door.
I sat down on my bed, I looked in my drawer for the thing. I searched and found it, the razor. I smiled at it, I brought the sharpest edge to my wrist, I took deep breath and cut my skin. I cut it again, and again, and again. I must have cut my arm 20 times before I stopped. I cried, the pain felt great. It took my mind off the emotional pain. It also validated my existence, that this hell I'm living in, is real. .
As I bleed, I got a pen and paper, I can't help it anymore. I need to end this. . . I need to end my endless hurting.
I folded the letter and put it on the side drawer, and very quietly I went out the back door. I was going to a place where no one would find me. The place that meant the most to me. I call it, "Our place."
I sat in the back, no one noticed me, thank God. Everyone surrounded the coffin of the dead girl. Felix was just there, looking down. I sighed, this was all just too shocking for him. As I starred at him, I realized his fist where clenched. He suddenly started bursting in tears and shouted, "N-no! Marzia you can't be dead. You just can't." I cried, I couldn't't help it.
**Felix's POV*
I cried so loudly, but I couldn't help it. Marzia was dead. When I held her hand, the hand that used to be so warm, is now so cold. My little piece of heaven, has turned to dark. My hand brushed against her cheek, she was just so cold. Colder than snow, colder than anything I had ever touched. I wanted her to wake up, to open those big brown eyes for me. But now I know, the coldness from her dead body told me, she was never coming back. I guess you really never understand death until someone very close to you is gone. You realize you can't do anything to bring them back, they will never come back. You'll never see them smile or laugh, you'll never hear their sweet voice again. They're just gone. . . Forever. I tightened the grip on Marzia's hand, she's gone. My little piece of Heaven is gone.
I looked behind me, Cry just looked down. I didn't blame him, he only met Marzia a few times over Skype. But I'm glade he came with me
, it means so much. I just can't be alone right now. Maybe I'll never stand that eerie feeling of loneliness. I looked back to Mariza's dead face, tears fell again. I just want her to wake up. I mumbled, "Wake up, Marzia. Wake up!" I started to shout, "WAKE UP, PLEASE! I NEED YOU!"
A couple of people held me back, they told me to calm myself. I sighed they were all right. After 30 more minutes, it was time to bury her. When everyone left, I stood there, for hours and hours. And through all that time, Cry was standing next to me. Every now and then he would pat my back and say, "I'm sorry. . ."
It was about 7 pm when Cry suggested we should go home. I simply nodded, I couldn't talk anymore. Or at least, I had no words to say. The love of my life is dead, but thankfully, my best friend was here to help me through it. I seriously didn't know what I'd do without him.
We sat in the car in total silence, no words were spoken. I decided to turn some music on, and just my luck. Carrie Underwood's song, "Just a Dream." Though I didn't like the song, the words said exactly how I felt.
It was two weeks after the day he turned eighteen
All dressed in black
Going to the church that night
He had her box of letters in the passenger seat
Sixpence in a shoe, something borrowed, something blue
And when the church doors opened up wide
He put his sunglasses down
Trying to hide the tears
Oh he just couldn't believe it
He heard trumpets from the military band
And the rings fell out of his hand
Baby why'd you leave me
Why'd you have to go?
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
I can't even breathe
It's like I'm looking from a distance
Standing in the background
Everybody's saying, she's not coming home now
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream.
The preacher man said let us bow our heads and pray
Lord please lift her soul, and heal this hurt
Then the congregation all stood up and sang the saddest song that he ever heard
Then they handed him a folded up flag
And he held on to all he had left of her
Oh, and what could have been
And then the guns rang one last shot
And it felt like a bullet in his heart.
Baby why'd you leave me?
Why'd you have to go?I was counting on forever, now I'll never know.
I can't even breathe. .
It's like I'm looking from a distance,
Standing in the background,
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now,
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream
Oh,
Baby why'd you leave me
Why'd you have to go?
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
Oh, now I'll never know
It's like I'm looking from a distance
Standing in the background
Everybody's saying, she's not coming home now
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream
Oh, this is just a dream
Just a dream
Yeah, Yeah.
(AN: I'm crying right now. TT^TT Listen to the song and read this. . . AND YES I CHANGED THE SONG SO IT CAN FIT FELIX'S FEELINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
I cried loudly, this was my song. I miss her. . . I loved her. Why is this happening to me? Could it only be a dream? I cried, then I felt a warm hand touch my shoulder, "Hey man. . . You'll be okay. I know it's hard. But think about it this way. . ."
I sniffed, "What?"
He pulled over and looked to the stars, "Don't think of her as a dead girl. Think of her as the girl who was full of life, the girl that made you smile and laugh, the girl that will always be with you, no matter if she's dead or alive."
I cried loudly, "It still hurts Ryan. I mean. . . I'll never see her again. I feel so. . . Lonely. I mean, will I ever love again? Will I ever smile and laugh? Will I ever be as happy with someone else as I was with her?"
Ryan starred at me for a few moments, then he frowned, "Pewds. . I can not answer those questions. But I will tell you this, you will never stop loving her. Just because she's gone, doesn't mean the love you have for her is. Marzia. . . Was amazing. She was very beautiful, she was funny. . . Pewds, she was your perfect girl. Think of it that way..."
I starred out my window, "You know. . . I was planning on proposing to her the night she died. I had bought the rings and everything, Now I'll never know what could have been. . ."
Ryan sniffled, "I'm sorry. . ."
He just started the car and drove back home. I felt bad for Ryan, he just didn't know the feeling.
**Ryan's POV**
I wanted to cry. Not for me, but for Pewds. He was just so hurt, and I can't help him. I feel so useless, I feel like the worst best friend ever. I let a few tears go, this is just a heard time for everyone. I sighed, and stopped in front of the house. Neither one of us wanted to get out, I smiled and looked at Felix, "Go on ahead, I need to be alone for a moment."
Felix nodded and walked to the front door, the moment he walked in, I burst into tears. I hated myself, I feel like I'm not the support Felix deserves. I'm just a fuck-tard who was in love with him. I cried and cried, I just wanted Felix to be okay. I don't care about myself, I just can't stand Felix feeling so alone. I don't want him to feel the way I do. . . That would hurt me more than anything.
I sniffed and wiped my eyes, I put my mask on and stumbled out of the car, I was weak. I gathered my strength and smiled. I walked in the house, Felix just sat on the couch watching a home video.
"Hahaha. Oh Felix, you make me laugh so much. I love you."
Felix bit his lip, "Marzia. . Will you always be here with me?"
Marzia kissed his lips, "I can not promise you I'll stay here forever, Felix. But I promise you. . . I will always love you. No matter how many times we fight, yell scream, I will always love you. Not even death will stop me from loving you."
Felix held onto Marzia, "Please don't die, I need you. ."
The screen went black. . .
I looked at Felix, he had turned off the TV. I couldn't blame him, I honestly would have done the same.
"Hey man. . .", my voice cracked a bit.
"Don't cry for me, Ryan. There is no need for it. I'm fine. . ."
I lost it, "NO YOU'RE NOT!! YOU'RE CRUMBING INSIDE AND THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT!! NO MATTER WHAT I SAY, I CAN'T BRING HAPPINESS INTO YOU'RE LIFE!" I paused for a moment, "Felix. . . All I want in the world is to see you happy. Why? Because you are my best friend. . I don't want to see you so depressed. ."
Felix just smiled, "Well, I'll be like this for a little while, But you do help me, Cry. Even though I don't show it, you do help me. I would be so much worse without you." He chuckled, "No homo."
I smiled, "Okay. I'm going to bed, night."
He waved me a goodnight. When I walked down the hallway, I suddenly felt tired, I scrambled to my room, The minute I hit my bed, I went into a deep slumber.
**Felix's POV**
When Cry went to sleep, I quickly went to my room to record. I got my headphones and sat in my chair. I turned the webcam on, for a few seconds, I couldn't speak. . Then I took a deep breath and smiled at the camera, "How's it going bros? I'm sorry I haven't uploaded in a while. . . Something terrible happened." my eyes became watery, "M-my g-girlfriend, M-Marzia passed away a few days ago. And I've been really down lately, I probably won't upload much for a while, and I'm sorry. . . Um. . Also, as you know, Cry is coming to Italy. Well, he's staying at my place, helping me with my sadness. So we're sorry if we don't put up as much videos as we used to. This is just a really hard time. . . I'm going to play a song and show you guys some pictures of me and Marzia for the next 5 minutes. . Hope you enjoy it. . . Again I'm really sorry. . . Love you all,bye."
I worked on the video all night, I wanted to make it perfect. At 6 pm, I uploaded the video and titled it, "My girlfriend passed away. . ."
I didn't feel tired, I just felt empty. I closed my laptop and starred at the wall in front of me, I stayed like this for hours. Until a small knock hit my door, I blinked, "Come in. . ."
Ryan opened the door slowly, "Um. . . Pewds. . . I made you breakfast."
I turned around and smiled tiredly, "I'm sorry but I think I'll pass. . I'm not feeling hungry at the moment."
Ryan simply nodded and closed the door.
I sat down on my bed, I looked in my drawer for the thing. I searched and found it, the razor. I smiled at it, I brought the sharpest edge to my wrist, I took deep breath and cut my skin. I cut it again, and again, and again. I must have cut my arm 20 times before I stopped. I cried, the pain felt great. It took my mind off the emotional pain. It also validated my existence, that this hell I'm living in, is real. .
As I bleed, I got a pen and paper, I can't help it anymore. I need to end this. . . I need to end my endless hurting.
I folded the letter and put it on the side drawer, and very quietly I went out the back door. I was going to a place where no one would find me. The place that meant the most to me. I call it, "Our place."