Learning to Breathe

“I’m sorry. I know that I hurt you, and I know that there is nothing I can ever do to make it up to you. But this, Tara, this I can make right. This I have to make right.” I stared at him blankly. After everything he did to me, he thinks he can come here uninvited like some knight in shining armor to whisk me away from the world’s problems? Fuck him. “It wasn’t meaningless to me. This isn’t… I know you have made me out to be some monster who used you, but I wouldn’t do that to you, Tara. You mean so much to me. Even then, I didn’t realize. I just need you to understand that I didn’t try to hurt you. I didn’t want to.”
“But you did.” I said softly and slowly shut the door until the faint ‘click’ and the sound of my breathing were all that were left. “We’re okay now. I’ve got you.” I whispered.

***

I dropped my bag by the side of the door and pressed the doorbell, anxiously awaiting the door to open. I wonder if this will be awkward. I wonder what Ryan told them. If he knows the real reason I’m here. The real reason I needed to get away from that black hole of a town they like to call Nashville.
“This is going to be so awesome! I don’t even care if I had to quit to come along. This will be such a great summer!” I looked to my left and saw my twin, Ashlynn, alike me in almost every way, grinning at me softly. “For both of us.” She added and nudged me with her elbow.
Ashlynn was my baby sister. Sure, she was only two minutes and eighteen seconds younger than me, but I looked out for her. She’s always been far more adventurous than I; constantly getting into trouble for her shenanigans. Her dark brown hair framed her thin face and her bright blue eyes sparkled. People always asked if my mother dyed one of our hairs when we were younger. Though we were born fraternal twins, almost everything about us looked the same, with a few differences. She was born with chocolate hair and dark blue almond-shaped eyes. Her body was always naturally smaller than mine, though her chest was not. She got the boobs, I got the butt. That’s what he used to say, at least. But enough about him. I was born with white blonde hair, and eyes that were about two shades lighter and one size larger than hers. She was my best friend.
Though we looked almost identical, we were very different people. I spent my Friday nights at youth group, while she spent hers at friends’ houses. I worked at the nursery at church, she worked at a grocery store. I was the misunderstood writer, and she was the outgoing artist. She got a vacation, I got an escape.

The door slammed open and Ryan grinned out at us. “My favorite cousins!” he exclaimed and hurried to hug us both.
“Hey Ryan. Can we go in? I’m dying to see everything!” Ashlynn exclaimed excitedly, practically a bounce in her step.
He chuckled and wrapped an arm around my shoulder. “Sure thing Ash.” She grinned and started up the steps into the large house that would be our temporary home for the summer. “How are you?” He asked quietly while looking at me sympathetically, leading me to believe he knew more about my reasons for being here than I would have liked.
I looked down and grinned slightly. “I’ll be better once you introduce me to my new roommates. You know how well I do in these kinds of social situations, Ry.”
With a chuckle he nodded and pulled me into the living room. It was huge. It had a giant flat screen TV, tons of video game consoles hooked up to it, and three couches. It made me laugh, thinking of how my sister and I would fit into this world, living with our cousin and his three band mates. Maybe this wasn’t the best place to get away to, after everything that had happened. Guys weren’t good for me right now. But I knew I’d be okay, because when I thought of comfort, I thought of Ryan.
“Guys, these are my cousins, Ashlynn and Taralynn. As you know, they are going to be staying with us this summer, so be respectful, because I’ll kick your asses if you treat them wrong.” I looked up at the three guys standing in front of us, all vastly different.
“Girls, this is Jon” Ryan said, motioning at the bearded man in sandals standing in front of us. He was average sized, not like my stick of a cousin, he didn’t look like a band boy either, just a regular man’s man. I smiled politely at him and he nodded.
“Nice to meet you guys!” He grinned. I think I’ll like Jon. He looks like someone you can trust. He just has that kind of face.
“This is Brendon” Ryan continued, pointing at the skinny guy in the middle with giant lips and a very prominent nose. I recognized him immediately. He was their singer. Ryan talks about him all the time.
“Hey.” He said while blatantly checking us out. Now there is a generic band boy, looking at every girl as though all she wants to do is get on her knees and please him. I’m so not that girl, Brendon. Ashlynn, on the other hand, seemed to be loving it. She’s always had a thing for front men. Batting her eyelashes at him and grinning slowly. This is why I call her my baby sister. Someone has to talk some sense into her sometimes. Guys only ever want one thing from you, dear sister. And I’ll be having a serious talk with her if this singer had her losing her mind after a single-syllable greeting.
“Hey Brendon! It’s so nice to meet you. I’ve heard so much about you!” She gushed. I just blinked at her, because no, Ashlynn. You really haven’t. He was looking at me expectantly. And I didn’t mean to be rude. I really didn’t.
“Hi, nice to meet you.” I settled on.
Brendon looked like he was going to say more to Ashlynn about how nice it is to meet him, when Ryan cut him off with:
“And I’m sure you guys remember Spence.”
Spencer? Well, Spencer I have met. Him and Ryan were best friends growing up. During summers Ashlynn and I would go stay with Ryan and his family, and Spencer was always there, Ryan’s right hand man. He was actually my first kiss, back in the day of Tamagatchi and Crash Bandicoot. His gorgeous blue eyes had me swooning from the moment I first met him as this frizzy-haired 13-year-old girl with braces on her teeth and grass stains on her jeans
“Hey girls. Long time no see!” He said happily. He was always so happy. How did I forget about him? He had light stubble and his hair styled just perfectly. He definitely grew up nicely.
“Spencer! Don’t you look grown up.” Ashlynn grinned at him, pushing her bangs back from her hair.
“ I could say the same about you two! God, how long has it been? Like five years? That’s insane.” His eyes locked with mine and he smiled. “Hey Tara, so good to see you again.”
I smiled back at him. “Yeah, you too, Spence.”
“So your name is Taralynn but you like to be called Tarah?” Jon asked, to clarify. I made a face and shook my head.
“Not Tarah, Tara. Like tear...” They looked at me blankly. “Like you’re tearing a piece of paper? Not like tar. Get it? Tara, not Tarah.”
Ryan laughed and messed up my hair which I glared at him for. “She hates Tarah. And Taralynn.”
“I think Taralynn is a beautiful name.” Spencer grinned at me.
“Thanks, but it’s so… southern belle. And that’s just not me.” I laughed.
“What about that accent though?” he chuckled.
“Wish I could get rid of it.”
“I like it. It’s very sexy.” Brendon smirked.
“Thanks.”
“Okay guys, I’m going to take them to their room. Wanna go get some pizza for us?” Ryan suggested while he grabbed my bag from my hand and reached for Ashlynn’s.
“I’ll go get it.” Spencer offered and elbowed Jon, who instantly agreed to volunteer. “Bren?”
“Nah, I’ll stay. Don’t forget the pineapple!”
There’s something about Brendon that makes me uneasy. I don’t know if he just makes me think of him, or if there’s something else, but I don’t think we’ll be getting along very well. I’m a very opinionated person, and it seems as if he is too.. People like that don’t usually get along very well.
“Any requests, Ashlynn? Tara?” Spencer asked from the door.
“Only pepperoni please!” Ashlynn called out as Ryan was leading the way down the hall.
“I’m alright.” I said to him.
“Okay, well I’ll see you later. I’m really excited to catch up.” He grinned as he closed the door and left, leaving me to stare at the deep mahogany, for the first time in months, not picturing predatory brown orbs and angry sweat droplets drip, drip, dripping. Ruining my every thought. But instead sweet smiles and sparkling blue eyes dancing through my head.