Learning to Breathe

“How are you feeling?” Ashlynn asked me, getting comfortable on her bed while I started to unpack my clothes.
Since it’s only a five bedroom house, Ashlynn and I had to share, which was fine with us. We usually shared rooms growing up. Only a five bedroom house. Listen to me. The only reason these guys can afford this place is because Jon Walker’s dad is loaded and super supportive of the arts. If only everyone’s dad was like that, right?
“I’m fine. You don’t have to keep asking me, you know. I’m alive, aren’t I? I’ve got this amazing family supporting me, I have God in my heart, and I’m spending the summer in Vegas with my two favorite people in the world-” I began before getting cut off with
“Ryan and Spencer? What about your sister? You bitch.” She grinned and threw her pillow at me.
“Oh, ha ha. That was hilarious.” I rolled my eyes.
“Oh, Taralynn, that’s such a beautiful name!” She drawled in a mocking man’s voice. “Ashlynn who?” she continued. “Tara, I just can’t wait to catch up with you!” I just rolled my eyes at her again. “I wonder if our lips will still fit together the same way” she continued, causing me to blush and her to fall back on her bed laughing.
“That was ages ago. I’m sure it hasn’t even crossed his mind.”
“I bet it has. He couldn’t take his eyes off of you.”
“I don’t think that’s true.” I said looking at her seriously.
“And you couldn’t keep your eyes off of him, either.” She said pointedly.
“Ashlynn, don’t go there. I’m not interested in any kind of a relationship right now.”
“You just said you were fine though…”
“Just because I’m feeling fine for a minute doesn’t mean that I’m ready to get involved with someone else.”
“But new love is the best cure for a broken heart!” she exclaimed.
“It’s not my heart that’s broken, Ash. Just leave me alone about it, will you? This isn’t exactly a fun conversation for me.”
“I know, I know.” Her voice lowered and she looked at me with an apologetic expression. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine.” I sighed and hung up the last shirt in my side of the closet.
“You wanna unpack my clothes now? You’re so much better at it than me.” She asked.
I turned around and threw the pillow that was lying on my bed right back at her. “No, you lazy ass.”

The lights are dim, and I’ve lost Ashlynn. I’m not entirely sure how we ended up at this club. Brendon suggested it, Ashlynn squealed, and the next thing I know, here I am. Sitting at the bar with Jon Walker while Ryan tries to talk the manager into letting him DJ. Spencer, Brendon and Ashlynn are nowhere to be found, though.
“What about her?” Jon asks me over the music, nodding at some blonde with hot pink lipstick and a skirt that leaves little to the imagination.
“2” I say, looking at him with a disapproving expression.
“Explain it to me! She’s clearly an 8. At least”
“You asked for a girl’s rating. She’s a 2. She’s slutty, which knocks her down, she has on a pound of makeup, which is unattractive, and she took her shoes off.”
“So?”
“So you don’t take your shoes off at a club! Ew!”
He just laughed and looked for the next girl.
“Having fun?” Brendon asks me, slipping his arm around my shoulders and smirking down at me. Spencer is standing next to him grinning.
“This isn’t really my scene. But Jon’s good company, so I’m alright.” I smile slightly.
“Her! Jon says, pointing at a redhead in skinny jeans, a tank top with a giant rose on it, and six inch heels.
“8” I say, looking back to Brendon and Spencer as Jon grins victoriously. “Where’s my sister?”
“Oh she met a guy, then followed him into the back alley.” Brendon shrugged. I was on my feet within the next second shoving him away from me with the dirtiest glare I could possibly produce.
“I thought you were looking out for her! Went with some guy to the back alley?!” I yelled as Spencer slowly raised his hands up in a surrendering fashion at my freak out.
“He was just kidding, Tara. Of course we wouldn’t let that happen. She just went to the bathroom.” He looked at me wonderingly, as if my reaction was out of the ordinary. As if I was not completely justified in my response.
“What’s going on?” comes the inquisitive voice from behind me.
I spin around and pull my sister into a bone crushing hug. So what if I maybe overreacted. I have every right to! How dare they think it’s okay to make jokes about my sister that way! When I pull back from the hug I glance up at the faces around me, Brendon, Spencer and Jon all look confused and I don’t know what to say. How do I explain to them why their false story scared me so badly? Well the fact is that I can’t, so I swallow my pride, mumble an apology to Brendon for pushing him, then try to act as if my heart isn’t still racing in my chest, try to act as if I am over it, am over what their joke. Everything’s fine, everything’s normal.
I just have to learn what that means again.
Normal.
Fine.

I’m fucked.

***

For being a bachelor pad, the backyard at the house was exquisite. There was a giant oak tree in the center, and towards the back gate, there was even a small flower garden. The tiny wooden bench is where I’ve decided I will be spending the majority of my time this summer. I should be more surprised at how well this garden is kept up, at how cared for it looks, while only being the product of four grown men. But then, Ryan’s always had a thing for roses.
The little wooden bench was perfect to sit in and just absorb the garden’s beauty. I could see myself sitting here, writing poems and listening to my favorite song on repeat all afternoon. In a house full of people: boys, specifically, this spot seemed like the perfect little escape, the perfect bit of serenity that I would need to just –
“Hey.”
- get out.
“I don’t know what’s happened, if something has happened. And I don’t expect you to tell me. But I can tell that something is bothering you. That something has been bothering you since you got here. And I just want you to know that if it seems like you’re alone sometimes, I’ll always be here. To listen. Or. You know, whatever.”
I cracked a small smile as the chill ran up my spine. It was sweet that he came out here to say that, yeah. But all it really meant was that I had to stop being so obvious before people started insisting on knowing.
“Thanks, Spence. I’m fine though.” No little white lie ever hurt anyone, right?
“You like flowers?” He asked, seemingly dropping the conversation there, which I appreciated immensely.
“Love them.”
“Just like your cousin.”
I grinned “Yeah, I suppose we have a few things in common.”
He suddenly stood up and put his hand down for me, his baby blue eyes piercing into mine. “Come with me.”
“Where?” I asked nervously, not quite moving my hand.
“Just trust me.”
I don’t know why I did, maybe it was his trusting eyes that seemed to see right through me, maybe it was the fact that other than family, he was the only familiar face in my world, or maybe it was just that he was Spencer, and somewhere between the “Hey girls!” and the “Long time no see!” my trust wasn’t really even mine to give. He’d taken it back from me. Just like the day I met him, with messy brown hair and a sincere grin on those lips. So when my hand landed in his and he pulled me up, I wasn’t just taking a chance on another boy, I was taking a chance on Spencer. And somehow that made everything seem almost worth it. Like everything was finally going to be normal. Fine.
For now.