Learning to Breathe

Sunday morning brought both confusion and Cassie. As I stumbled down the hallway into the kitchen looking for whoever was up and willing to make me some coffee, I was greeted by a tired-looking Ryan, a pouting Brendon, and an amused Spencer, who was standing next to… oh, score! A full pot of coffee! There was now a very happy Taralynn.
“Coffee, please.” I grumbled as I fell down into the empty chair next to my cousin at the table. I didn’t get much sleep last night, waking up every thirty minutes in a cold sweat and shaking, hoping I didn’t wake up Ashlynn and praying the nightmares left me alone.
“Coming up.” Spencer announced as he turned around to grab a new cup.
I let out a yawn and mumbled “’m tired.” As I leaned my head onto Ryan’s shoulder. I felt him nod against my head.
“Good morning, grumpy people!” Cassie exclaimed as she came bouncing into the kitchen, complete with a pink lacey summer dress, and curls in her hair. Geez, it’s only 7 am, this girl must wake up early. Or she’s just naturally gorgeous when she wakes up. Ugh, girls like that are the worst.
“We come bearing gifts!” Jon followed her in and dropped a large box of doughnuts onto the table in front of us. “Cassie’s idea.” Correction: girls like that are the best!
“Dibs!” called out Spencer as he snatched a maple bar out of Brendon’s hand and took a bite out of it.
“You asshole!”
Spencer just laughed and set my coffee down in front of me. Which I thanked him for with a smile.
“You excited, Tara?” Cassie asked, as she absentmindedly brushed a crumb off of Jon’s shirt.
I blinked.
“For church?”
Oh, right! I forgot. It is Sunday today, isn’t it?
“I had completely forgotten, to be honest.” I laughed.
“You’re still going though, right?”
I nodded, taking a sip of my coffee “’Course. What kind of church is it? Do I need to wear a dress or something?”
Jon chuckled and Cassie shook her head. “No, no, no. You can wear a summer dress or a skirt or something if you want to, I do just because they are my favorite, but nobody will care if you show up in skinny jeans either.”
“Sounds like my kinda church. Ry, you wanna come with me?” I bit my lip and looked hopefully at my cousin.
Brendon choked on his doughnut and started laughing. Ryan just glared at him and shook his head. “No, thanks, T. It’s not really my thing. You have fun though.”
“Why is everyone awake so early? You’re all fucking crazy.” Ashlynn groaned, wandering into the kitchen with her hair all over the place and looking like she just woke up from hibernation, distracting me from my conversation with Ryab
“On that note! We’re going to church this morning. You’ll come with, right?” I asked her, offering up my coffee as she grumbled about “7 am” and “motherfuckers waking me up.”
She’s not really a morning person.
“I was actually thinking that Brendon could take me to lunch today.” She said, looking over at Brendon and smiling slightly “You did say you’d show me around, right?”
I looked over at him and saw Ryan turn and raise his eyebrows at him as well.
“Um, yeah, I did. You aren’t going to church though? I’m not really up for it today.”
“Oh, come on. Live a little. I’m sure you could ‘get it up’ in minutes.” She winked.
My eyes bulged and Ryan turned around to look at her incredulously as Spencer started to laugh and Brendon just flushed.
“Ashlynn! Can you not? Ew.” Ryan crossed his arms and made a face at his coffee.
She just shrugged with a giggle.
“I’m sorry, Ashlynn. Rain check okay? I know Taralynn really wanted you to go with her, and Sunday’s are Ryan and I’s only day alone.” Right, blame it on me, Brendon. As if you actually care what I want. You just don’t want to date my---wait, what?
We all turned and looked at him as Ryan smacked him upside the head and laughed. “Wow, Brendon. Nice job making it sound like we’re fuck-buddies.”
“That came out way gayer than I meant!” Brendon quickly corrected himself as most of us joined in with laughter.
“We write songs together Sunday mornings when the house is empty.” Ryan said and shook his head. “Although clearly Brendon wants there to be more…” He smirked. Brendon pouted.
“Whatever, Ross. If anyone here is gay, it’s you, Mr. Scarf-of-the-week.”
“Hey!”

***

Church was exactly what the doctor ordered. The worship was so good, and I felt like everything that the pastor said was directed to me, I was almost in tears at one point. Ashlynn ended up coming with us, because clearly Brendon isn’t interested and she isn’t that clueless. But her stipulation was that we go do something fun afterward.

So that brings us to the present, currently at the local mall. Ashlynn was throwing her money at the Hot Topic cashier, saying that she just couldn’t not have the My Little Pony backpack. I have absolutely no idea why she loves My Little Pony so much. I feel like I always have to remind her that we are eightteen years old, not eight. But I mean, it’s her money, so whatever.
“I haven’t been in Hot Topic in ages.” Cassie laughs, looking at a batman lanyard before putting it back.
I nodded. “Me either. Not since my band-shirts-are-the-only-way-of-life phase back in high school.
She patted my back sympathetically, which I physically refrained from flinching at. “We all had that phase. Brendon is still in it.”
I laughed along with her. “I used to love this store. Now it just sells stupid stuff. Like Justin Bieber and My Little Pony.”
“Hey! My Little Pony is awesome! You just don’t get it.” Ashlynn stated with a mock-glare as she took her bag and walked out to the main mall with us where Jon and Spencer were eyeing the pretzel kiosk.
“You’re definitely right about that one, little sis. I really, really don’t get it.” I said, grinning at her. “But on the plus side, you have a new purse to put your barbies in!”
“Ha, Ha. Hilarious, Tara.” She huffed and crossed her arms while I laughed and Jon “Burn!”d her.
“Victoria’s Secret! I need a new…outfit. Jonny, come help me pick it out?” Cassie asked sweetly, changing the subject. Jon practically threw his soda at Spencer and nodded excitedly, as Cassie started to walk towards the store in question.
“I actually need something in there too, come with me?” Ashlynn asked.
I looked at Spencer who looked very uncomfortable and shook my head. “I think I’ll spare Spencer, here, and keep him company instead.” I stated and she laughed at his pink cheeks.
“You ruin everything, Smith. At least hold my bag for me?” She tossed him her Hot Topic bag before he could answer and started off towards the entrance.
“Jon is a douche.” Is all he says as he gets a better grip of the bag and tosses the soda into the trash. “I mean, bros first. You can’t just do that.” I laughed and nodded at him to show that I agreed.
“I’ll be your bro, Spence. No worries.”
“Thank you, Miss. Ross. At least someone cares. Now, where would you like to go?”
“To Hot Topic to return that heinous backpack?” I suggested. He laughed and shook his head.
“You’re trying to get me in trouble! I am the official protector of these ponies. I won’t let you harm them!”
“Fine. You stay noble, I’ll stay opposed.”
“Deal” He grinned at me. “Any other ideas?”
“Let’s just walk around.”
“Sounds good to me.” He motioned around us. “Which way?”
“This one.” I said, nodding him towards the left.
As we walked we fell into a silence. It was probably normal for him, but I’ve always found a way to make things awkward. Ever since I could remember, I never really knew how to start conversations when I felt like there needed to be one. If I didn’t need to be talking, I was a pro. But if I felt awkward and like I should say something, my mind just shuts off. That, or I say something really stupid. Something like:
“I feel like I’ve spent way more time with you than I have with my cousin since I got here, or really anyone else.” Wow, Tara. See? That just sounded so rude. I can’t even. Oh geez, I suck. “Not like!” I quickly start, looking at him with wide eyes. “I mean, not that I don’t like hanging out with you. I just.”
“I get it.” He laughed. “I’m not offended, no worries. And that’s Brendon for you.”
Now I’m confused. When did Brendon become a part of this conversation? “You mean Ryan?”
“Well it’s his fault too, of course. I just mean that when Ryan has any spare time, Brendon takes it. They’ve gotten really close, especially lately.”
“I thought you were Ryan’s best friend.” I inquired, with a tilt of my head.
“I am. Guys can have more than one best friend. We aren’t like girls. I mean I’m not going to be like ‘OMG Ryan! You said that we would be BFF’s for life! How dare you hang out with someone else! Did all of those sleepovers mean nothing to you? I’m going to text Jon that you have a small dick and he’ll tell everyone since you’ve betrayed me this way!” He mocked in one of the best gay/girl voices I have ever heard. I could not stop the laugh that bubbled up my throat, and erupted into the space around us, startling a few passers-by.
He grinned at me as I calmed down from my laughing fit and added “No, but seriously. If you want, I’ll talk to him about it. Tell him to stop being a dick and hang out with his cousin some more.”
“Thanks, but that’s alright. You don’t have to do that. I’ll just force him to hang out with me more.”
“For what it’s worth, I like hanging out with you.”
“Well thanks, Spence. I like hanging out with you, too.”
I feel my cheeks heat up and look down to my shoes to hide my oncoming blush. Why he has this effect on me is a complete mystery.
“Are you hungry?” He nodded to the food court.
“Yeah, I could go for some food.” I smiled and got out my wallet. “Let’s see what I have money for.”
He laughed and pushed my hand with my wallet back down towards my purse. “That’s not necessary. It’s on me.”
“Oh no, Spencer, that’s okay, I can pay for myself, really.”
“I’m sure you can, but I’m not going to let you.”
“That’s misogynistic.”
He just laughed good-naturedly. “I prefer ‘old-fashioned’ but whatever you wish to call me, I’m still buying you lunch.”
I grinned at him and put my wallet back in my bag. “Well if you insist.”
He walked into the food court and motioned around us. “Pick your poison, princess.”
“Well when you put it that way, I’d love a salad.”
He laughed more and shook his head. “Anything you want.”
“What if I want a salad?”
“Nobody wants a salad.”
“I do.”
“Live a little. Get a big slice of grease…I mean, pizza.”
“You should make sure to never become a salesman.”
He pouted. “That was my biggest aspiration. You’re cruel.”
“I thought poet was your biggest aspiration?”
“Okay, now you really are being mean.” He mock-glared.
I laughed as I heard my ringtone go off, alerting me that I had a new text message. I grabbed my phone from my pocket and unlocked it, looking at the screen with a smile still on my face. The smile was wiped right off as well as all color as soon as I saw the name on the screen.

Todd
I heard you skipped town. You can’t avoid me forever. U know I love you, bby. Just come home and we’ll talk this through. I’m not at fault here, T. You know you wanted it.

“Is it Ashlynn?” Spencer asked. I quickly hit the home button and gulped.
“No, it’s uh. The wrong number, I guess.”
“Oh, okay. So what’ll it be? If you really want a salad, I’ll get it for you.”
“You know, on second thought, I’m not really hungry.”
“Oh, I thought you were?”

“I’ve just lost my appetite.”

***

“I’ve decided to throw a party!” Brendon states later that night. We’re having a “roommate bonding movie night” and instead of choosing a movie, Brendon apparently decided to throw a party.
I look down at my purple sweatpants and black hoodie, then over at Ashlynn who is wearing pink pj shorts and an old Rush t-shirt. Her hair is exactly like mine at the moment…up in a messy bun that is in no way socially acceptable for anything but sleeping or ‘roommate bonding movie nights’.
“Um.” Ashlynn says, voicing my thoughts.
“Um, what, Ross? It’s not tonight, obviously! And don’t you dare tell me you two don’t party. Because it is happening, and it will be epic.” Brendon says excitedly.
“Epic, Bren?” Ryan teases, which receives a prompt pillow to the face from Brendon.
“Yes! We’ll bond by getting wasted together and inviting over a bunch of hot girls!” Then he looks at Ashlynn and I and adds “And some hot guys!”
“I think we’ve got plenty of hot guys hanging out without throwing a party.” Ashlynn winks at Brendon who huffs.
“Come on, guys! It will be so much fun! Please? Let’s vote!”
“I mean, it sounds good to me.” Ryan says as he grins at me. “What do you think, Tara?”
I shrugged apologetically to Brendon. “I actually don’t party. But I’ll deal. If everyone else wants to, I’m okay with it.”
“Unlike my sweet, innocent sister, I very much do party!” Ashlynn grins. “So I’m in.”
“This isn’t a tea party, Ash. You can’t bring your pony toys” Ryan teases her, clearly having heard about our day at the mall.
“Can it, Ryan!” She shoots back with a glare. I join the rest of the guys in laughing.
“I’m in, too. I guess I have to be though. I’m the only one who can buy the alcohol.” Jon states.
“Yes! Spence?” Brendon bounces slightly in his seat.
“I’m with Tara. I don’t really care either way.”
“Good enough! It’s set! It’ll be the best party ever! Oh by the way we are watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”
“Um. Are these movie nights mandatory?” I ask sheepishly.
I absolutely despise scary movies. I’ve never liked them, and frankly I do not understand why people get enjoyment out of being terrified. I have nightmares for days after watching a scary movie. Not that that matters though…I have nightmares every night anyways. Heck, my life practically is a scary movie. Someone should really make my life into a book….
“Yes, why?” Brendon snaps.
“Taralynn hates scary movies.” Ryan says grinning at me. “Don’t worry. You’re sitting between two strong men that will protect you!” I frown at him doubtfully.
“Well, one strong man that will protect you. And Ryan.” Jon laughs, from my right.
“Hey!” Ryan glares. “Who could protect her more than her cousin?” He puffs out his chest.
“Since you’re her cousin and you have approximately 2% muscle, anyone.” Jon laughed. “But, unfortunately for you, Tara. I have my dear Cassandra to think about. Otherwise I could cuddle you through the movie and make you forget about all the scary stuff. I’m a fabulous cuddler.” He informs me with a very proud expression.
“Can you not put the moves on my cousin?” Ryan asks, glaring over me at Jon.
“No moves! I said I have Cassie!” Jon says defensively. I just laugh at their back and forth.
“But I have a solution!” Jon says, hopping off of the couch.
“If you get me a pillow, just know that I not only will be scared, but also hyperaware of the fact that I’m alone and no one wants to protect me.” I inform him, deciding to not think too deeply into my response.
He laughs. “My solution was actually a Mr. Spencer Smith. He’s doesn’t have a Cassie, and I have it on good authority that he would love to cuddle and protect you.” He informs me with a wink, making me flush, Ryan laugh, and Spencer look up at him with wide-eyes. “Scoot, Smith.” Jon continues, pushing Spencer into his spot next to me and sitting on the chair that Spencer was previously occupying.
“Hey, I hate scary movies too!” Ashlynn lies. “Brendon, cuddle and protect me?” She bats her eyelashes at Brendon who smirks and sits down between her and Ryan.
I look over at Ashlynn, trying to avoid the awkwardness radiating between Spencer and I. It’s not that I don’t like him. I just don’t really fancy people, specifically guys, touching me. “cuddling” is a lot of touching and if he takes Jon seriously, I don’t know that I can handle it.
“Be right back.” I state, getting off of the couch and making my way to the bathroom. I sit down on the counter and just breathe.
I pull my phone out of the pocket to check the time and see that I have two new texts. I gulp and open them up to see who they are from.

Mom
Hi, sweetie. Your father and I miss you two! Call tomorrow please. I hope you’re having fun. Tell Ryan and your sister that we miss and love them. xx

Todd
Don’t fucking ignore me! & why the fuck is your bitch of a sister talking shit? It’s not my fault ur a teasing little slut. If you don’t shut her up, I will.

My breath catches in my throat and I lose control of my breathing, starting to hyperventilate. Why can’t he just leave me alone? Every time I start to forget, he’s there. He’s ruined absolutely everything, and if he thinks he’s going to “shut up” my sister, I swear I’ll kill him.
I manage to get to the door and wrench it open, seeing Spencer walking by towards the bedrooms. He looks at me, probably seeing the tears in my eyes and that my breathing is uncontrollable and he steps forward, concern all over his face.
“Tara, what’s wrong?” He looks like he’s about to reach out and touch me soothingly but when I step back he puts his hand down and just settles on looking at me concerned.
“I need Ashlynn. Get Ashlynn.” I gasp out, then slam the door in his face and back up against the counter.
I feel my chest clenching as my hands go numb and a sweat breaks out over my body. I try to focus on breathing normally but I feel like I have no control. Over anything.
A few seconds pass before Ashlynn is next to me, asking me what’s wrong and rubbing my back.
“Shit. You’re having another panic attack. It’s okay, T. Just breathe. We don’t have to watch a movie. It’s alright. Shh.”
I hand her my phone with both texts from Todd still open and finally let the tears come out, along with a single sob. I can’t do this anymore. He’s ruined everything.
“Fuck. It’s alright, Tara. He has no power, okay? He’s across the country. He won’t hurt me, or you anymore, I promise.” She carefully sits me down on the floor and sits next to me, putting her arms around me and rubbing my back until my breathing goes back to a somewhat normal state, and I can feel my fingers again.
“Are you guys okay? What’s going on?” Ryan asks, through the door. “Tara? I’m coming in, okay?”
“Ryan…” Ashlynn starts.
He ignores her and opens the door, slipping in and looking at us in confusion and concern. “What’s going on?” he repeats. I just wipe my cheeks off and cover my face with my hands.
“Nothing, she just needs a minute.” Ashlynn says, keeping her arm protectively around my shoulders.
“That’s bullshit. Spencer said you looked petrified. What’s wrong?”
“Tell Spencer to mind his own damn business. And you too! This has nothing to do with either of you. She needs to be left alone for a while, away from boys. So go away!” Ashlynn snapped, and I could hear the glare in her venom-laced tone.
“Ash, stop.” I mumble, sniffing, and putting my hand over my chest, to try to calm my heart down. “I had a panic attack.” I say quietly.
“What? Oh my God, Tara we don’t have to watch a scary movie, you can pick something else.”
Ashlynn stays quiet.
“It’s not about the movie.” I say exasperatedly.
… “What’s it about then?”
“Girl problems. Leave her alone.” Ashlynn snaps.
I ignore her attempts to protect me though. I look up at my cousin with tears in my eyes and say “Todd Michaels.”
“Your ex? What’s he got to do with anything?” He asks softly.
“Tara,” Ashlynn says, looking at me as if I’m not aware what I’m saying. “God, Ryan. Look at her! Will you just fuck off?”
“Tara” Ryan says softly, looking down at me and ignoring my sister.
“He raped me.”