Learning to Breathe

“He what?” Ryan shouted. I looked up at him nervously. Suddenly realizing that he is only the second person I’ve told. “No. No he….” Looking completely unbelieving and without waiting for an answer that I wasn’t willing to repeat, he continued. “I’ll kill him. I’ll fucking kill him. That motherfucking…” He trailed off, looking up at the ceiling and running his hands angrily through his hair. “Does your dad know?” I shook my head slightly. “Of course he doesn’t know. If he knew that piece of shit would be in the ground by now. Where he should be! Tara you have to tell him. Does your mom know?” Another shake of my head. He suddenly let out a strangled yell and stalked out of the bathroom.
My eyes widened and I quickly got off of the ground with Ashlynn and followed him into the living room where Jon, Spencer and Brendon all sat on the couch and stared at Ryan with shock and confusion written all across their features.
“Ry, what’s wrong?” Brendon asked softly, looking at him a bit hesitantly, like he expected Ryan to throw something at him for speaking.
“Ryan, can you do this somewhere else?” Ashlynn asked, glancing at the oblivious audience of three.
“Yeah. I’m doing it in Tennessee.” He snapped, walking into the kitchen and throwing open drawers looking for something with swift, angry movements.
I felt my eyes tear up again, regret pooling in the pit of my stomach. I shouldn’t have told him. I didn’t think he’d react quite this, well, for lack of a better word, insanely.
Finally he settled on grabbing a steak knife and marching toward the hallway. The three guys gaped in shock and I let out a sob.
Ashlynn stepped in front of him and growled “Put the knife down, shut your mouth and go to bed. If you upset my sister anymore tonight I swear to God I will punch you in the nose.”
I could feel three sets of confused eyes look towards me and I wrapped my arms around myself.
“I’m…” he started, then looked at me and slowly gave the knife to Ashlynn. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to upset you. I just…” I gave a short nod and wished I was anywhere else in the world. “Fuck, Tara.” He finally breathed before walking up to me and wrapping his arms around me in a tight hug. I tensed up at the contact but after reminding myself that its Ryan, my cousin who loves me and wouldn’t hurt me, I eventually melted into his embrace and cried quietly into his shoulder.
“I think we’re going to have to postpone the roommate bonding movie night.” I heard Ashlynn explain in a hushed tone to the other three.
Ryan let go of me and bit his lip as Brendon walked over and took his arm gently. “Come on, let’s get you to bed, Ry.” He spoke softly and pulled him away from me down the hall.
Without another glance at the rest of the room, I walked down into Ashlynn and I’s shared room and fell onto the bed, praying the nightmares give me a break.

When I woke in the morning, I did not want to face the real world, or at least my roommates. I don’t think Ryan would tell any of them what I told him last night, but the scene that played out in front of them certainly raised some eyebrows and questions. So now when I go out there, I can only imagine the looks and questions I will get. I just hope that Ryan isn’t still planning on going to Tennessee to kill my ex-boyfriend. That’s all I can really ask for, I suppose.
After going to the bathroom to wash my face, shower, brush my teeth and get dressed without waking Ashlynn, I wrap my hair up in a towel and go into the kitchen where Brendon, Jon and Spencer are all sitting. I assume Ryan is still asleep. When I walk in, I don’t say anything, but three heads turn towards me.
The first words spoken are from Brendon. “Which one are you?” He tilts his head and gazes at the towel on my head.
Spencer looks at him incredulously. “It’s Tara, dipshit.”
Brendon just looks between Spencer and I in confusion. “Is it?”
I laugh and nod. “Yeah.”
“How can you tell?” He turns to Spencer with wide eyes. “I can’t tell the difference unless their hair is showing.”
“Her eyes.” Spencer shrugs. Jon coos and Brendon laughs. I blush and sit down in the empty spot next to Spencer.
“Don’t worry about it, Brendon. A lot of people can’t.”
“Really?” Spencer questions.
“Yeah. My ex…he made out with Ashlynn one time.” I make a face and take the cup of coffee that Jon is offering me with a smile.
“No way!” Brendon laughs.
“Yeah. I was upstairs getting ready, and she answered the door wearing a beanie. I walked downstairs and she had slapped him and called him a disgusting pig. He said he had just assumed it was me and kissed her. But she told me she didn’t believe him, because he didn’t even say hello before his tongue was down her throat.” I shrug. “Turns out he was an asshole. No surprise there, though.” I took a drink of my coffee.
“You boyfriend couldn’t even tell you two apart?” Jon raised an eyebrow. “But Spencer can... Because of your eyes.” He smirked at Spencer. “What exactly is it about her eyes, Spence?”
Spencer glared at him and mumbled something under his breath.
“You know what I think, Tara?” Jon inquired.
“What do you think, Jon?” I raised an eyebrow.
“I think you should make Spencer your new boyfr-ow! Spencer!” Jon yelled as Spencer’s phone hit him in the chest, causing Brendon to burst out laughing. “I’m keeping this!” Jon pouted.
Spencer shrugged and took a drink of his coffee. “Don’t be an asshole or next time it’s the coffee mug.”
I chuckled under my breath. This morning has been a lot better than I anticipated.
“So what was last night about?”
Or not.
“Brendon. I really don’t think it’s any of our business.” Spencer said, sounding like a mother scolding her son.
“I’m just saying Ryan tells me everything. And he wouldn’t tell me. And I’ve never seen him like that before. Clearly they know. So I don’t see why she wouldn’t tell us.”
I looked down at my coffee and gulped. “Let’s call it a Ross secret.” I said, throwing a playful grin at him and playing it off like no big deal.
“Nah, let’s call it a Household secret.” He raised his eyebrows. “So?”
“Brendon. She doesn’t want to talk about it. Leave her alone.” Spencer turned his glare on him. “It’s none of your business.”
“So then let’s make it my business, shall we?”
“Make what your business?” Ryan asked, walking into the kitchen and standing next to my chair. I could hear the tension as Brendon looked down and didn’t say anything more. Ryan’s fingers gripped tightly at the top of my chair as I could feel the heat from his expression drift across the empty space over my head, to Brendon.
I’ve never seen Brendon not say anything before. I glanced around the kitchen and saw Jon snickering at Brendon’s puppy-like façade –If he were a dog right now, his ears would be down and his tail between his legs. He looked positively guilty - while Spencer was simply glaring at him.
“Make what your business, Brendon?” Ryan repeated icily.
“What happened to you last night.” Brendon said meekly. He looked like a child who just got caught disobeying his mother.
“Oh? Well if I do recall, I told you last night to stop asking about it.” Ryan matched Spencer’s glare, a combination of honey and ice throwing daggers at a guilty-looking singer. “And don’t you fucking dare pester my cousin into talking to you about it.” He paused and looked at Spencer and Jon. “Any of you. Leave her alone, got it?”
Brendon looked at the ground guiltily. What is going on right now? I didn’t know what to say so I just stayed silent as Jon raised his hands in defense and said “Spence and I didn’t do anything!”
Ryan just grumbled and looked at the two empty seats next to Brendon before finally taking one chair and pulling it over so he could sit next to me in the little space that was allowed. Brendon looked hurt. Ryan ignored him and turned toward me.
“Are you okay?” he asked. I glanced at him.
“I’m fine.”
“I’m sorry about last night. I freaked out. We should probably talk about it.”
“That’s not necessary.” I looked from Ryan to the rest of the guys pointedly and quickly ended that conversation with an “Apology accepted.”
He nodded and got up to make some breakfast
“Ry, can we talk?” Brendon asked and nodded outside. “We can go get breakfast or something.”
“Um. I don’t know.” Ryan looked at me and then to the waffles in his hands. When I finally noticed him looking at me I rolled my eyes.
“Oh my gosh, Ryan. I don’t need a babysitter. Go.”
He nodded tentatively and gave me a hug before leaving with Brendon.
Jon snickered some more when they left. “Brendon freaks out when Ryan is angry with him. It’s hilarious.”
“It’s weird.” Spencer said, picking up Ryan’s abandoned waffles and popping them in the toaster.
“Goodmorn’in” came a grumble from the doorway. I turned and smiled at my sister and her crazy bed bun.
“Morning, Ash.”
“Where’s Ry and Brendon?”
“They had a spat. So Brendon took Ryan to an apology breakfast.” Jon supplied.
She hummed and grabbed my coffee, quickly gulping it down. I could only frown at her lack of manners. I actually wanted that.
“And when Ryan finally forgives him, I’m sure Brendon will drag him out to shop for that party.” Continued Jon. “He’s very excited for it.”
“Speaking of shopping. I uh, got you something, Tara.” Spencer said, his neck turning a light shade of pink. I perked up at that, because what would Spencer have gotten me? And why?
I watched as he walked over to the counter and picked up a grocery bag that I hadn’t noticed until now.
“When did you go shopping?” I questioned quietly. It was only eleven, why would he have already been to the store today?
“This morning. It’s my turn to cook dinner, so I went to get ingredients.”
He reached in the bag and pulled out a soft-looking teddy bear. It had light brown “fur” and a purple ribbon around its neck. It looked to be around the same size as my torso. I couldn’t even begin to stop the grin making its way across my lips.
“Strange ingredients, there, Spencer. What are you trying to feed us?” Ashlynn smirked as Spencer held it out to me with a light blush.
“I just saw it and thought of you. You seemed like you could use some cheering up last night, so I just thought…” He trailed off and I took the bear, looking it over with a grin.
“Thank you, Spence. That was so sweet.” I stood up and timidly wrapped my arms around his middle in a light hug. I told myself that it wasn’t a big deal. Just a hug, and a hug that he definitely deserved, because he was just about the sweetest guy I had ever met.
His arms went around my waist as he hugged me back. I counted one, two, three, and stepped back, making sure to not make a big deal out of the simple hug. “I love it.” I smiled and held the bear to my chest.
“I noticed that there’s only one bear in that bag, Spencer. Did you forget there are two girls or are you just playing favorites?” Jon asked, looking over at Ashlynn with a smirk. “I don’t think he likes you very much.”
Ashlynn shrugged. “I would care a lot more if that wasn’t as cute as it was.”
“I’m sorry, Ashlynn. I just didn’t think.” Spencer was blushing like mad and I smiled down at the table.
“No, you like her more. That’s fine. People tend to pick favorites in life. This time she wins, next time, I will.” She smirked and then glanced at me. “Besides. Tara is eating this shit up.”
I lifted my head to look at her and feigned innocence. I really was eating it up. “Me? No. I’d love it if you got a bear, too, Ash.”
She threw her head back and let out a loud laugh. “Yeah right, you brat. You love that he likes you more!”
I let a small smile crack through my face and looked at the three faces in the room. “She’s right. I love the bear ten times more because she didn’t get one.”
“Nice.” Jon laughed.
“It’s a twin thing, Jonathan. You wouldn’t understand.”
“I don’t know if I should feel bad, or proud….” Spencer put in, though he was smiling softly. When weren’t his smiles soft? When wasn’t he soft in general? Spencer getting me a teddy bear was much appreciated though also ironically unneeded, considering he was such a teddy bear himself.
“Proud. Gifts for me that my sister doesn’t get are always better. And vice versa.” I supplied, looking at Ashlynn who was nodding along in agreement.
“You’re way more greedy and feisty than I thought, Taralynn.” Cackled Jon.
“Like I said, Jonathan” I mocked. “It’s a twin thing. We grew up always being treated like one person, and being compared to one another. So when someone shows favoritism, the favored twin ‘eats that shit up’ as Ashlynn so graciously put it. It’s not me being greedy or feisty, honest! I just like being liked as Tara, and not ‘Tara and Ashlynn’, you know?”
“Well lucky for you, Spencer loves you as just Tara.” Jon teased.
Ashlynn laughed, and I smiled shyly as Spencer punched Jon in the arm.

***

“We’ll set up a table right here to put the drinks and mixers on, and then the pizza can just go in the kitchen.” Brendon was explaining as he showed us all spots in the living room that he wanted to alter for the party. The rest of the roommates, excluding my sister were pretty uninterested. I mean, he was literally pointing at an empty spot on the floor with this giant, giddy expression on his face.
“That’s fascinating, Brendon. Truly. But I’m actually going to go do…anything else.” Spencer supplied with an easy grin and motioned to the door. “IC anyone?”
“Are you going to 7-Eleven?! I’d love one! Coke flavored. Please and thanks.” Ashlynn bounced slightly on her feet.
“He’s talking about a coffee place called the IC, Ash. Not buying icees.” Ryan rolled his eyes. “Bring me whatever you got me last time, kay?”
“I should be annoyed that you’re leaving in the middle of this, Smith, but I’ll forgive you because coffee!”
Ryan looked at Brendon with wide eyes and said “No! No caffeine for Brendon. Spencer don’t look at him.”
I couldn’t help but laugh as I watch the way they interacted together. Spencer looked over at Brendon who was pouting, Ryan was trying to stand in front of Brendon and Ashlynn giggled.
“But look at him, Ry! He wants one so bad!”
“Do not give in to the pout, Spencer!”
“Ryan, he’s got those eyes!”
“Spencer. Think about your sleep tonight. Do you want it or do you want to entertain him all night? Because I won’t do it.”
“You’re right. No coffee, Brendon. You want a muffin?”

***

Brendon wanted a muffin, and I wanted to escape the party planning, so that is how an hour later I ended up sitting across from Spencer in the IC and sipping at the most delicious cappuccino I’d ever tasted.
“So anyway, long story short, that’s why I had a buzz cut in seventh grade.”
“That’s not really the kind of flirting I was doing in seventh grade….” I muttered “But I mean, whatever you’re into.” I laughed.
“I was just paying her a compliment. She didn’t have to throw gum at my head.”
I just laughed more.
“So then let me guess, you were terrified of girls after that and that’s why those kids called you gay?”
“No, they called me gay because I was best friends with your cousin. Who had a ‘Ryhawk’ and wore eyeliner to school because it was ‘just so expressive, man’.”
I held back a chuckle and frowned slightly. “They thought Ryan was gay?”
“Oh, yeah. Everyone did. And since I hung out with him, they thought I was for a while.”
“That’s so stereotypical of them.”
“Middle school kids. What can you do?”
“Were they mean to him?” I paused. “Were they mean to either of you?”
“For me it was more the occasional jab like ‘where’s your boyfriend’ or whatever. But I was mostly known for being the fat kid who was friends with the fag. Kids can be cruel. I was mostly picked on for being fat, more than them thinking that I was actually dating Ryan.”
“I don’t remember you being fat.”
He shrugged.
“And Ryan?”
“He had it pretty rough…”
I bit my lip. “What did they do?”
“They would push him into things a lot. I guess he started to just accept it. But every once in a while some jock would follow him into the bathroom and just…” he trailed off and I felt my heart sink. “Do some pretty messed up things. He always acted so strong, like they didn’t affect him one way or another, but I know that deep down it really hurt him. Definitely a lot more than he showed me. He’s strong, but I know that he was a wreck through high school. I shouldn’t even be telling you all this. It’s not my story, I’m sorry.”
“No, no. I’m sorry. I should have just asked him. I’m sorry you guys had to go through that though. I bet Brendon’s jokes about Ryan being gay are probably a sore spot, huh? Someone should tell him to knock it off.”
“I think Ryan knows Brendon is just messing with him. They snap at each other every so often, but they don’t really fight at all. It’s a weird relationship.”
“It is weird. Brendon seems like he just likes to press buttons to me.”
“Not really his biggest fan are you?”
“Wrong twin.”
He chuckled. “Brendon can be an asshole, definitely. But he means well. I mean, you just have to get used to him, and once you understand his sense of humor, he really isn’t so bad.”
“I just don’t trust him. And he seems…dark.”
“Dark?”
“Yeah, I don’t know. He just makes me feel uneasy.”
“Well, he is kind of insensitive.”
“Isn’t he one of your best friends?” I cracked a smile at this.
“Sure. I love the guy. But I definitely see where you’re coming from. He’s been pretty weird to you since you got here. Even more so than he is with Ashlynn…”
“You’ve noticed too? I don’t think he likes me very much.”
“I’m sure he likes you just fine. Some people just click differently.” He smiled and I could read the triumph on his expression. “I’m not the only one playing favorites now am I?”
I barked out a laugh. “It’s better when you do it though.”
“You just like being everyone’s favorite, don’t you? You little narcissist, you.”
“Hmm, I don’t know about that… Ever think maybe I just like being your favorite?”
I couldn’t even believe that I had just said that. I haven’t blatantly flirted this way since…well, since Todd. I could feel the heat rushing to my cheeks and up my neck, and I felt slightly sick. As if I had done something wrong. Like having a little bit of fun and not being sad for a moment was a terrible thing that I should be ashamed of. I couldn’t even flirt anymore. I couldn’t even enjoy myself anymore, without this sick feeling overwhelming me, drowning me in my thoughts and feelings. Emotions choking the life out of my being. The realization had me gritting my teeth and clenching my hands on my cup, maybe just a little too tight. He had taken everything from me. With one night, he had managed to take away the very possibility of my living a normal, happy life. He’s taken so much. He can’t have everything. There has to be a part of me left that’s still going to fight for my life. Not this shell of a person I’ve become, but me. I want to live not just wake up, avoid emotions, and go to bed. I have to find this part of me that’s left alive. The part that will help me.
“You know,” He positively beamed at me, and I felt sick. I can’t be this person and still let him think that we could ever possibly work. It’s not fair. “I haven’t actually thought that. But I do like the concept.” He deserves someone who can give him everything. He deserves someone who knows how to handle life. Someone who isn’t so…broken.
“I think its Ryan.” I blurted.
His eyebrows flew up the expanse of his forehead, running away from the crystal blue orbs gazing at me. “What?”
“The reason Brendon is weird with me. I think its Ryan. Because I’m close to him. And Ashlynn isn’t.”
“Oh. Um.” I could tell he was confused, and possibly disappointed about the shift in our conversation. I felt terrible. “Maybe. He is kind of--”
The door of the shop slamming open cut off Spencer’s response and we both jumped, looking at the door and seeing none other than Ryan Ross storming over to our table with his fists clenched and a scowl on his face, his eyes absolutely on fire.
“Speak of the devil and he shall appear.” Spencer said, smiling at Ryan.
“I’m pissed.” Ryan informed us, pulling over a chair to our table, sitting next to me and grabbing my cappuccino, taking a deep gulp, and seriously, why does this keep happening?
“Why?” Spencer asked, and I could see that Spencer was holding back a laugh, so I forced myself to calm down. It probably wasn’t serious if Spencer was laughing. He could read Ryan pretty well.
“Jon left to go to Cassie’s an-“
Spencer mock-gasped loudly. “That asshole!
Ryan simply turned and glared at Spencer as I let out a quiet chuckle.
“As I was saying,” he continued, clearing his throat. “So Jon went to Cassie’s and Ashlynn is sitting there practically in Brendon’s lap just like ‘ooh, what strong arms you have!’” He mocks and I laugh loudly along with Spencer as Ryan sits there and huffs.
“All the better to hold you with, my dear!” Spencer laughs at his own joke and Ryan groans.
“Basically! So they are sitting here in front of me, and I’m like ‘wanna watch a movie or something?’ and you know what she says to me?” He doesn’t wait for our responses before he continues with “She says ‘Definitely. Ryan, why don’t you go watch a movie in your room. I think Brendon and I are going to get to know each other a little.’” Ryan stops, and just blinks at us. “Yeah. She told me to peace out so she could try to put the moves on Brendon! So of course I’m like ‘uh, no. But I’ll go pick out a movie for us.’ So I go to my room, grab the least romantic movie I can find, and when I come back to the living room do you know what I see? They’re making out!”
I bit my lip and didn’t say anything, knowing that Ryan wasn’t done yet.
“This morning he takes me to breakfast and he’s all ‘I’m sorry, Ry. I’ll try harder with your cousins. You mean a lot to me, so I don’t want to upset you, blah blah fucking blah.’ And then we come home and this motherfucker frenches my little cousin?! Oh, hell no. That is not the kind of trying I wanted out of him!” He lets out a giant breath and grits his teeth. “I’m pissed.” He finishes, rather unnecessarily.
“Ryan, Ryan, Ryan.” Spencer says, softly. “You can’t be angry at them. They just really like each other.”
Ryan scoffs so loudly and aggressively, it causes me to flinch. “He does not like her. This is his way of proving that he can get along with my family if it means so much to me. This is SO NOT what I meant! He thinks… he thinks this is going to make me happy? Fuck him. No. Fuck that!”
“What did you say to them?” I asked.
“Nothing. I left and drove my ass here. I’m not about to hang around and watch him molest—” he looks at me, quickly. “I mean, hook up with my little cousin! That motherfucker.”
“I mean, it’s not like she’s going to complain about it…” Spencer says, also glancing at me. “No offence.” I just shrug, because he’s right. Ashlynn has wanted to hook up with Brendon since she first met him.
“It’s the principle! Why do they have to do that? She just has a ridiculous crush on him, and he’s…I don’t even know what he is. But they don’t need to be hooking up all summer or whatever!”
Spencer paused for a moment. “Are you upset because they don’t really like each other, or… because your friend is dating your cousin?” He bit his lip. “I know you get protective.”
Ryan looked at Spencer for a moment, and it seemed like they were having a conversation involving nothing but their eyes. I was actually getting quite creeped out before Ryan started to laugh.
“Oh, no. This is completely different. I don’t care if you date Tara. I mean, but only if she wants to. I trust you, Spence. It’s a completely different situation with them. They don’t like each other. You guys aren’t just trying to hook up or to prove a point.”
I started to sip my coffee and choked when he mentioned me. Spencer blushed bright red and stuttered out something along the lines of “I didn’t mean… um. I mean. We aren’t. Uh…”
And Ryan just laughed harder as I tried to catch my breath. At least he seems in a better mood now…Oh, this is awkward.