Instead I Called You

Get out the car and walk a straight line,
You've been swerving left and right.

Kellin had been drinking way too much for one night, but he didn’t care. For the past month he’d come to his bar to drown his sorrows in alcohol. It was the only thing that made him feel anymore. Some nights were worse than others, but he wouldn’t stop. His drinking problem was slowly destroying him, but he felt like he deserved it. What else is there to live for when you hurt the person you love the most?

Vic was the best damn thing that had ever happened to him and now he was just gone. And it was all his fault. If he could go back in time and take back every hurtful, disgusting word he said to the brown-eyed boy, he’d do it in a heartbeat. He’d do anything to get the love of his life back. It was hopeless. They were finished. So Kellin grabbed another drink and tossed it back, enjoying the burn in his throat. It was a nice distraction from the cracking in his heart. He signaled for the bar tender to give him one more, and the man obliged, topping Kellin off for what seemed like the hundredth time that night.

As Kellin stood, he began to sway, digging his keys out of his pocket. The man behind the bar glanced at him. “Son, I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be driving yourself back. Let me call you a cab.”

Kellin just laughed, waving the man off. “Nah, I’m f-fine.”

“Kid, you could get hurt. Or worse.” He warned.

Kellin sighed. “Would that be such a bad thiiing?” Before the man behind the bar could continue, Kellin walked away, exiting the bar in an attempt to find his car. He was wasted out of his mind, but he didn’t care. He lost the only thing that ever had any meaning to him. He had nothing left to lose. So why the fuck should he be cautious? Once he found his car, he climbed in, starting it and driving off, leaving nothing but dust.

His house was maybe 10 minutes away, but with the way he was driving it would be a miracle if he even made it home in one piece. He turned up the radio, continuing to swerve in and out of lanes. Before he got the chance to sing along to the song that was playing, the sirens appeared, coming up fast behind him. “Fuck.” He muttered.

And this is how I cope with losing you.

Kellin pulled over, waiting for the cops to make their way over to him. Clearly this wasn’t going to end well, but once again, he found himself not giving a shit. He jumped as he heard the tapping on his window. The police officer on the outside waved his finger, signaling for Kellin to roll down his window. “Problem officer?” He mumbled, a smirk plastered to his face. Might as well have fun with it.

“License and registration,” he demanded. Kellin opened the necessary compartments to pull out his belongings and then went for his wallet. He handed the items over to the officer and waited for his punishment.

The officer made his way back to his car, putting Kellin’s information through the system. Once he was finished, he walked back to Kellin. “Could you step out of the car?”

Kellin did as he was told, prepared for whatever test he was about to be asked to perform. “Have you been drinking?” The officer questioned, patting Kellin down, making sure he wasn’t a threat.

“What do you think?” Kellin spat. Officer or not, he didn’t care.

The officer glared back at him. “I’m going to need you to come with me.” He turned Kellin around, placing cuffs around his wrists and began to lead him to the sidewalk as he called over a second officer.

I'm sitting in the backseat of a cop car,
here's your one last phone call,
I should've called my mom, but instead I called you.

The officers started talking while Kellin just sat there on the side of the road, his mind wandering back to Vic. How could he be so fucking stupid? He had the unconditional love of a perfect man and he just through it all away. A month later and he could still taste the words in his mouth. Sour and so full of guilt. They had been together for four years and he just ripped out Vic’s heart and stomped on it. “Real fucking smooth, Kellin.” He whispered, fidgeting with the handcuffs behind him.

They first met freshman year of high school at a football game of all places. Vic was the new kid and ended up going with two guys he met the day before. Kellin was the kid who got stoned under the bleachers with his friends. When Vic went to find the bathroom he bumped into Kellin, spilling the pale boys nachos everywhere. And that’s when everything changed.

Days later they were official and had been attached at the hip until graduation. Even after. Until Kellin ruined it.

Remember the dance at our high school gym
we stayed out til 3 AM
and swore we'd never change when we graduated.

The night of the sophomore spring fling was the night Kellin and Vic gave themselves to each other. It happened in a park after the dance. It was a rather warm night for April and they made their way to the familiar area. It was perfect. The lights from the sidewalk lit up the field, but it wasn’t too bright. It was private and intimate and quiet. Kellin knew from then on that they were soul mates and he was sure Vic had felt the same. They were in love. Not just silly teenage love, but the kind of love that made you feel alive. The kind of love that made the heart swell and palms sweat and breath hitch. The kind of love that made you feel whole.

Kellin was head over heels in love with Vic. And when he realized where he had been pulled over, he couldn’t help but shed a few tears. Just across the street was the park where they first made love. Kellin felt his chest tighten. The pain becoming all too much.

Everything here reminds me of you,
my car still smells like your perfume,
You used to wear out on dates and it’d drive me insane.

He was haunted by the memory of Vic. No matter what he tried, Vic was still there. His face, his words, his beautiful smell, forever engrained in Kellin’s mind.

The officers came back, lifting Kellin off the ground and guiding him to the back of the car. This was it. They were taking him away. He just sighed. Jail was probably the best place for him anyway. He didn’t deserve anything else.

And this is how I cope with losing you.

On the way to there, Kellin began to let his mind wonder again, replaying the conversation that ended it all.

--

“You’re cheating on me, aren’t you?!”
“What, Kellin! Don’t say things like that, you know I’m not!”
Kellin growled, pushing Vic’s arms away. He was fucking lying right to his face. “Why can’t you just be honest with me!”
“I am!” Vic cried, reaching for Kellin once more.
“No, you know what, fuck you.” Kellin stepped away from Vic. “You’re off at college for a few months and you’re already sleeping around. I’m sorry I’m not good enough for you, Vic!”
After graduation Vic had been accepted to a university a few hours away. Kellin received nothing but rejection letters. Vic was upset, but Kellin had learned to live with it. He’d move out of his parent’s house into his own place and work on his music. He didn’t need school. Besides, he trusted Vic. Until now.
“I see how you are with him, don’t fucking lie!”
“Kellin, I swear to you, I’m not lying. I love you!” Vic pleaded. This couldn’t be happening.
“I fucking hate you.” Kellin whispered, hate dripping off each word.

--

And that was it. Kellin knew as soon as he said those words that he regretted them. He trusted Vic with everything. He knew he wouldn’t cheat. He just felt insecure and worthless. Here Vic was at college doing something with his life while Kellin sat at home, doing nothing but making music for no one.

I've been stuck in this rut, for I don't know how long now.
And it's hard to sleep cause I think too much all the time.
Couldn't keep you off my mind, so I'll be in jail tonight.

They arrived at the station, the officers leading Kellin out of the car and into the building. It was a warm, quiet night. “Stay right here.” One of the men said, leaving Kellin in the lobby with the woman at the front desk. He watched as the other officer walked over to the counter, grabbing a doughnut. Figures.

Moments later the first officer was back. “Alright, you can follow me.” Kellin did as he was told and followed the man to the back of the building. “Put any loose belongings in here.” He handed Kellin a plastic bag and Kellin emptied his pockets. The officer took the bag from him and opened the cell door. “You’ll get your phone call in a minute.” Kellin simply nodded and walked into the cold cell, taking in his surroundings. It was dimly lit and the walls were freezing to the touch. The bars were intimidating as was the security guard who was now staring at him. A bench sat behind him and lucky for him, no other criminals were on it. The toilet in the corner really topped it off though. It was going to be a great night.

I'm sitting in the backseat of a cop car,
here's your one last phone call,
I should've called my mom, but instead I called you.

“You have one call you can make.” A voice startled Kellin awake. How long had he been sleeping? It couldn’t have been that long since the security guard was in his same, terrifying position.

Kellin nodded, following the guard out of the cell and down the hallway to a phone. “Make it quick.”

The guard left and Kellin picked up the receiver, automatically dialing the familiar number he knew by heart.

His heart was pounding. Why would he do this? What would he even say? “Yes, hello, I’m sorry but I’m terribly wasted could you come get me from jail?” Hell no.

It went to voicemail anyway. Of course it would. It was 2:14 in the morning. “Erm, hey, Vic. It’s uh, Kellin. Look, I know you hate me, fuck, I hate me too. But I uh got into some trouble tonight and well, you’re the first person I wanted to call. I honestly don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. Fuck, Vic, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have called. I just. I don’t know. I miss you so much and I’m so fucking sorry. I love you with all of my heart and I know I fucked up.” There was a tap on his shoulder, signaling that he had to hurry up. “I’ve gotta go, they’re uh, taking me back. I’m so sorry Vic.” With that, he hung up, not even telling Vic where he was or what was going on. He was such an idiot. Vic wouldn’t care about him anyway.

I'm sitting in the backseat of a cop car,
here's your one last phone call,
I should've called my mom, but instead I called you.

Kellin laid on the bench, then sat back up, then paced around the cell, anything. He just couldn’t sit still. He was still mentally kicking himself for calling Vic. He should’ve just called his mother. She would have been happy to help, but no, he called the boy who hated his guts.

How long has it been since his arrest? He didn’t know, he just knew that he was getting antsy. He was feeling sick and heartbroken and wishing he could take that security guard’s gun and just end it all right there.

He was pulled from his thoughts when the woman from the front desk came back and unlocked the door. “Congratulations, you made bail.”

What?

The last six hours have been a blur,
they let me out and there you were.

Kellin walked out of the cell and collected his belongings from the woman. As reached the lobby his eyes widened, tears threatening to spill out.

There he was. Vic. In all his glory. Clearly he had just crawled out of bed, his hair all out of place and a look of tiredness written all over his face. He was so fucking beautiful.

Kellin ran over to him, throwing himself into his arms. “I love you, Vic.” He whispered, now crying into the other boy’s shoulder.

“I love you too, Kellin.” Vic whispered back, tightening his grip.

I thought I wasted my last call,
but you bailed me out after all.