M.T.C.N.S.B.J

The people that I care about the most have made me cry the most.

M
T
C
N
S
B
J

I love them all so much it hurts. I love them despite their differences and the way they've broken my heart. Some have done it purposefully and others have done it by accident. Some have done it just by sharing a part of their lives for me. Sharing a part of their lives that has made me sit there in front of glowing screen and bawl my eyes out.

I have laid in bed at night praying to my God to help them. To help them get on the right path or to find some peace of mind, to make them understand me and how much they hurt me, to show them some sort of light.

Those that hurt:

M, you've seen me at my worst and best. The being that raised me and taught me and loved me more than anyone else. I have made you shed as may tears as my own. However, you need to realize that one day you must let me go. I have to spread these wings and do what will open me as an individual. I appreciate everything you have sacrificed—which is too much. Please, do not say I don't appreciate when you don't know of half of what goes on inside this rampaging cavern of regret.

T, you broke my heart when you blamed me for your mistakes. It was I that was the problem, not you, right? It was never your fault. I was your doormat, had put up with shit for years. Now its done, almost awkward to talk. Where were those good times? The best of times and memories are etched with your face, your voice, your arrogance and bliss. Will you ever apologize or will it always be my fault?

C, you were a boy. A boy I tried to forbid myself from—Forbidden Fruit that I could admire and touch, but never eat. All the other girls got to do that. Liar, cheater, user, player, stealer. Why did I waste so many tears over you? You're a silly boy who will never know. And if you did? You would just play with the heartstrings, tug on them like I was your marionette. Though I may hate you and spit bitter acid at your name, I don't know if the feelings will every truly disintegrate from that acid.

Those I hurt for:

N—beautiful N. Depressed, 'crazy', N. You are so incredible and wonderful. You make me smile and laugh and you listen to my dilemas when yours far surpass my own. Please, remember that you are not crazy, a 'nut job'. You are the tigress of beauty and hidden strength. You are the most precious human being that deserves to be valued. I love you.

S, the girl who is perfect and beautiful. You are not what you say you are, but what I say. Because my thoughts are right. Yes, that sounds conceited, but its true. Eat that food all you want, love yourself. You are a human being though you may not feel like you are. You listen and smile and laugh and love. Look in the mirror and see that beauty that you are blind to. I see it and its perfect. I love you.

B, who has made me cry with tales of the worst. A metalheaded beauty who has taught me so much and opened my eyes. Where would I be without you? Still locked inside a box of prejudices and judgments? Perhaps. The day you told me about scars, fresh and old, I cried. The day you told me about why you left, I cried. Why? Really, because I care and to know what you have done and gone through is unacceptable. You are so strong and courageous, a lioness amongst terrified sheep. I love you.

J, we hardly speak anymore. What happened? Did our differences drive a wedge? I wish it hadn't. I still think about you often; how could I ever forget you? Your presence through the screen left such a lasting impact. You may be weary towards me now and that's okay. I just want you to know that I will never forget the friendship that will always be carried in my heart. I just want you to know always: I love you.

My God, the one you may denounce, has placed you in my life for a specific purpose. Though I don't know and may never, I am blessed to have shed the tears and to know of your placement in this world. Pains and sicknesses have been opened to me, doors have been closed, and strength has been built.

I only wish for you to know that you will never be alone as long as a heart as mine still beats. Do not ever forget that I care enough to shed tears for you and that I would care if you were gone. I am selfish enough to think that it is I that needs you. Betray me and lie. Play me. Tell me what you want about yourself, about a past, about a problem. It doesn't matter; it never has and it never will.

I love you.