Why Do You Think

1 week later

I keep thinking back to that day, back to when I felt something for the first time in years. It’s not the type of spark of electricity what people would usually talk about when they supposedly meet the one but I definitely felt something when I looked into those startled eyes, and I’m not sure whether I liked that or not. You get used to that numbness and that extreme self-loathing, to the point that you sometimes even forget what it is like to feel content or happy.

“Let’s go” I heard my brother say; he was the one who had come over before I managed to say something. Those were the same exact words he told me before dragging me back inside the building, as he is now trying to drag me out of this room which I have spent more time in than I can remember.

I spotted those raven locks as soon as I entered the room where everyone was having breakfast, and without thinking I was making my way over. I have been avoiding as much human contact as possible for the past week, mulling over my thoughts as always.

I didn’t say anything as I sat down, and I didn’t look at anyone, but I could feel the confusion radiating from everyone around me. My brother had sat down opposite me minutes later with our breakfast, while Kellin and Oliver were still looking at us with confusion.

“Uh, hi?” I heard Oliver say, and out of the corner of my eye I could see my brother shrug in an answer towards their questioning glances.

Silence followed afterwards on this table. I tried to focus on the tastes of the food that I was trying to swallow, but the taste that I could feel was that of paper. To me it felt like I was eating cut up pieces of cardboard, the same taste whenever I consumed anything.

I realised a couple of minutes later that my brother and Oliver were in an engaged conversation, something that I didn’t really see my brother have since he was always stuck with me.

“I’m Vic” I said, as I remembered that I had been unable to introduce myself when I had first spoken to him. I looked directly into his eyes, and they looked just as startled as they did that one week ago. He smiled at me with an unsure smile, possibly thinking of what to say back, but I beat him to it.

“You should eat something” I said, surprising myself for the wish to engage in a conversation with him. He hadn't touched his food at all, and it was something I had noticed as soon as I had sat down. He looked down at it in distaste, but I saw him trying, dropping the spoon as soon as he had one mouthful.

I wanted to smile at him encouragingly, but I found that task harder than I thought. I guess being so emotionless for such a long time leaves an effect on people.
No more exchanging words between us followed that, and I liked it. This was more real human interaction in which I have been involved that I have had in a while, and it was more than enough for me.

Seeing my Psychiatrist is what came next, something that I disliked. Mr Daley always thought he could get me to converse with him, but it has been nearly 5 years and he has gotten nowhere, instead I felt like I was getting worse and worse by each day.

“So how do you feel today?” He asked me the same exact question every time I went to see him, and every time he seems to be expecting some type of answer from me which he just knows he won’t get. And so the next 15 minutes went on like this, him asking me questions and getting nothing in return. It was pointless really.

--

My brother no longer let me stay in our room, as long as we were allowed to roam the ward, he would make me at least go to the lounge, and this is how I and Kellin began spending more and more time together. Not necessarily speaking, but being in each other’s presence and becoming comfortable with having the other one around. It had been almost two weeks now, and at this point it didn’t seem normal any more when he wasn’t there. Throughout the day we would exchange a few words or even have a normal conversation, as far as normal goes in this place.

My thoughts were beginning to be taken over by him more and more by each day. When it was night and we had to stay in our own rooms, all I could think was him. The way he walked, the way he talked, the way he would fidget with his sleeves when he felt uncomfortable. In those two weeks of spending masses amounts of time with him I have taken notice of every little thing about him.
I was so absorbed in thoughts of him that I didn’t even realize that it was the day when our parents were visiting us. It was a bit like in a prison where your relatives were only allowed to visit at specific times, and one of those times was today.

I didn’t want to see them; I only did because my brother had convinced me to.

“How have you been?” My mother asked us when we had sat down and were now facing each other.
“Better” My brother said quite happily. I on the other hand said nothing. I didn’t need them to be here, nor did I want them to. I still haven’t forgiven them that they placed Mike here too, I would have been fine if it was just me, but not him.

“Vic?” My father looked at me expectantly, and in that moment I suddenly felt anger bubble inside me. Another emotion which I had long since forgotten about, and in this moment it felt so foreign.

“What?” I snapped at him, straining myself to not start shouting and lashing out just because I didn’t want my younger brother witness this.

“How have you been doing?” he seemed completely unfazed, as if we were having a normal every day conversation over dinner.

“Brilliant! Just absolutely brilliant dad!” I spat at him sarcastically
“Glad to hear” He retorted, his own voice covered in sarcasm.

That’s it; I wasn’t going to take any more of this. Now just seeing their faces made me want to leave. I stood up, my chair scraping harshly against the old wooden floor. The guard opened the door for me, and a nurse escorted me back to my room, as if I didn’t know the way back myself.

At this time of day our room doors weren’t locked, so really anyone could come in if they wished to do so, and as I was sitting in the corner of my room, I hadn’t noticed that someone had come in, up till the point that they sat down next to me.

"Just go away, please, leave me alone. Let me be." I whisper with my hoarse voice, rocking back and forth on the floor.

I got no response apart from two comforting arms which had placed themselves securely around me.