Why Do You Think

I watched the scenery that blurred past me; the road was deserted, some stray cars would pass occasionally, but we have been driving for nearly an hour through a road that looked endless. I dreaded to think to what kind of place I'm being taken to, from the looks of it, it is in the middle of no where. I guess there go my chances of escaping.

I had protested with all of my will power, doing anything possible to stop them from taking me away, but what I did only enforced them to lock me up. I had locked myself in my room, staying in there for two weeks. I wouldn't eat. I wouldn't show my face. I took drugs that I could find around my room; they helped me experience short bursts of happiness. I felt carefree, I didn't feel like I had to be afraid, that I didn't have to feel the burden of my worries that were slowly digging a deeper hole for me. I felt safe in the comforts of my room, but that was for a limited time. They had knocked down my door, restraining me, tearing me away from the only place I ever felt any form of safety.

I didn't want to go to a place filled with lunatics. How is it supposed to help me when I'm surrounded by people who are just as messed up as me? I find it hard enough to be around sane people, how will I be able to cope with someone who doesn't even know what they are doing? This whole world is just messed up. It's not just me, I'm just one of the people who are capable of accepting the fact that we are all fucked up in the head.

I often wonder what it's like, to not feel like your heart is going to tear it's way out of your chest, when your lungs refuse to co-operate, pushing all of the air inside them out. To not feel how your brain is being stabbed repeatedly. To not feel cold sweat mixing with tears that you yourself are unaware of. The feeling that you are loosing control over everything; you are falling deeper into the darkness that is your own mind.

They had let me say goodbye to my parents after I had calmed down, but I only glared at them; I made eye contact with both of them, one at a time, holding it for about a minute. I tried to figure out what they were thinking. Did they think I was a failure? Did they think that I was such a disgrace that no one should go through the suffering of even looking at me? Were they glad that they won't have to look at me any more? I know that I would be.

I felt myself drifting off, too bored and tired to stay up, but I didn't have a chance to rest; a large, white, prison like building came in to view. It was surrounded by a tall fence that seemed to be secured by electricity. There was a lot of free space, everything looked so plain and boring. That alone made me want to run all the way back home; I wouldn't care that my feet would go raw, just as long as I don't have to be here. But I didn't do anything, it would only make my stay here worse.

The car stopped outside a gate where two members of staff were already waiting for me; both of them were wearing plain white uniforms. The heavy bags under their eyes were clear indicators that they were tired and sick of this place. I couldn't blame them, anyone would be repulsed by just the sight of it.
There wasn't much to look at; the lawn was clipped almost perfectly, only a couple of trees and shrubs were in sight, a couple of benches could be seen, the concrete footpath looked untouched. Even the sun didn't want to look; it had hidden itself with a thick layer of clouds.

The halls were lifeless, and just as I expected there were light colours around; the paint on the walls was chipped, and the white tiles on the floor looked like no one had ever walked on them before. A couple of chairs were put against the walls, a few plants that had their life sucked out of them were placed around the halls.

A kind, but tired looking woman approached me, straining a smile.
"You must be Kellin" She stretched out a hand for me to shake. I didn't try to return the smile, or shake her hand. I wasn't going to try to be friends with these people, who think that they can do anything towards making me better. Who even bothered to ask if I wanted help?

"I'll show you to your room"
I could tell that she has had to put up with a lot of bullshit before, it's probably why she gave up so quickly on trying to communicate with me. She took me through the empty hallways; I was glad that no one was around, there was only a certain amount of people that I could take in a day, and if the halls would be filled with them, my day would go crashing down a hill.

"You will be sharing with Oli" She told me while motioning for me to go inside the room. The guy she was talking about was laying on his bed listening to music with his eyes closed. At least he wasn't looking at me while I set my bag on the bed. I unwillingly unpacked; I didn't want to, I didn't plan on staying here for long, though I had overheard a conversation that made it clear I would be staying here for a while.

I was scared to turn my back to him. I was afraid that as soon as I turned around he would stare at me, his face scrunching up when I wasn't looking. He probably thought I was disgusting, that I should wear a paper bag to cover my face and ease the suffering for anyone who has to look at me. But then again, he hasn't moved an inch since I've entered the room, he hasn't even seen me yet. But that's what he want's me to think.

I watched as he slowly opened his eyes; he didn't look surprised that I was here, he didn't look disgusted, he just looked tired. He had dark bags around his eyes just like the people working here, but his were much more defined, to be perfectly honest it looks like someone had punched him. Without him uttering a word, my opinion of him kept switching from one to the other. It didn't look like he held a clear judgement on me, it didn't look like he had the power to even do so, but he could just be good at acting. Behind that sorrowful face he could be Satan reincarnated.

"What are you looking at" He spat, but his voice sounded so strained.
"Could ask you the same thing"
He sighed deeply not even bothering to put up a fight, completely turning off his iPod.

"So, who are you then?"

"Kellin"

"Welcome to hell"