Why Do You Think

Every day passed unnoticed to me, weeks could pass without realization. My moods would switch drastically over the course of time, sometimes it would last for a few weeks, sometimes months, but sometimes just for a couple of days, even as little as a few hours. There were times when I felt invincible; I could do anything. I had more energy than I could ever imagine. I would be restless and could go without sleep for days, but I could come crashing down any time. The higher I go, the harder the fall. Headaches, muscle pains, overly tired; all of my energy would have been blown out of me with the crash. I hated it.

I would hurt everyone around me when they managed to catch me at the wrong time. I would be burning with rage towards myself, but if anyone else manages to be around me they get burned, sucked in the flame that destroys everything near it. I have tried many times to stop myself, but it had all been in vain. While in that state I am blinded, it only becomes clear when it is too late.

Many times I would regret my actions, but some people deserve it. For some it is their fault that they got hurt. It wasn't mine, no, it's not my fault that they decided to provoke me; it's not always that I get angry for no reason, some people decided to light the fire themselves. They play with it, and they get burned. Why should I be blamed for what is not my fault? Why do I have to suffer because of their foolish mistakes? I'm not the one who needs help, it's them. But then I remember hurting those few people who I hold dear to my heart. They never did anything to cause this, they tried to prevent this. That is the reason why I am in here. I am trying to make myself better, but I have been here for so long that I don't think I will ever be able to escape, to free myself from this misery.

"It's nearly lunch" I told Kellin, who was sitting on the bed across me, looking at the wall distantly. It was obvious he would rather be anywhere else than here. Any of the patients here would though.
"Not hungry"
"We don't have a choice" His head slowly turned to meet my eyes, almost as if pleading. We did have a choice, but with his bony figure it was visible that he would say those words for every meal, and eventually the staff would force feed him. I have seen the struggles of many anorexic people who have been here and it is not a pretty sight.

I would have let him end up being in more suffering, just like with everyone else who had ever sought my advice or held a simple conversation with me, but I could see how similar he was to me. Not many people who I encounter here deserve my sympathy, they are all too pathetic. But who says I'm not pathetic? I can't control my anger. I can't protect the people I love; I hurt them instead.

I slowly got up, my joints popping just as much as the bed creaking. My back hurt and my limbs felt weak. I opened the door slowly, motioning for Kellin to follow. It is easy to get lost in the identical looking hallways; the structure of the building is not hard to memorize, it is actually rather simple, but everything looked so similar that there was no way of telling them apart.

Upon entering the dining halls, a few eyes landed on us, or more specifically Kellin. It wasn't that often that we got new people signing in here, and most of the times it is extremely boring being here. Most of the time we spend our time in the TV room doing nothing. Some of us would rot away in our rooms, only leaving when necessary.

I took a plate of what they had made for us; the food here wasn't bad, it was surprisingly good. At least there was one up to the many downs. I went to sit by a free table, the table I usually sat at. It didn't matter if anyone sat with me, no one really cared here what you did as long as it didn't affect them.

Kellin sat down in front of me, looking around wearily. His eyes would examine everyone in the room, some would look back, but not for long.
"Can you tell me who everyone is" he said slowly, turning his head to look at me. His eyes were slightly widened, but he was attempting to look normal that nothing is wrong. But being in this place already put a glowing sign above his head saying that things are very wrong, that he needs help even if it is against his will, so I don't see why he is trying to hide anything.

"Those two are Frank and Gerard" I motioned for the couple who were furthest away from us. Gerard had his head resting on his palms, with his black hair falling over them. He had pale skin, so his hair contrasted greatly with it. He almost always had bloodshot eyes, underneath them dark bags.
Frank was sitting still, staring at the wall in front of him. He too had black hair, but his skin was slightly more tanned, making the difference less obvious. His leg was tapping restlessly; thank god I was far enough to not hear it.

"There is Austin and Alan, Alan is the ginger one" I turned my head to look at the two. They were sitting closely together, almost in each other's laps. Austin is tall even while sitting down. His right arm is covered in tattoos, as is his neck. Alan himself has a few tattoos that litter his right arm, and one tattoo that is on his neck.

"That's Tony, and opposite him is Jaime" Tony was eating calmly; most of the time he looked perfectly normal, and many people often wondered why he was even here, only a couple knew exactly why. Jaime was the complete opposite; he was jittery, and he tried to eat as fast as possible. His leg was tapping uncontrollably, but at least he was still in his seat. He was noticeably getting better, slowly but surely. When he first arrived here he was unable to sit still without any kind of medication, now he somehow fought to stay seated for longer than 10 minutes.

"Is this it?" He seemed more at ease now, but still on edge. He hadn't touched his food at all, not even looked at it.
"No, there is also Mike and Vic, you might meet them later"
"How come they're not here?"
I shrugged, I knew the answer, but why should I be the one telling him that? If he wanted to know he should ask them himself.

"Everyone looks so normal, maybe apart from that Jaime kid"
"What? Did you expect us to be some freaks that do everything morally wrong? Just because we have a few loose screws doesn't mean that we will act outrageously. You should know better" He nodded, finally poking the food that was in front of him. He made no attempt to eat it, but he showed some form of interest towards it. "Plus, we had our meds about an hour ago" I added, already finished with my meal.