Why Do You Think

Where did he go? One second he was by my side, now I can't find him. I snap my head both sides, covering the whole area around me; he is not there. What could have happened to him? He could have been kidnapped, or maybe he decided he was tired of me. Maybe he decided to throw me away like a broken toy. Maybe he has been abducted; he could have been killed. What would I do if that happened? He means everything to me, he can't be killed.

"Alan?" I call out, my panic increasing each second.
"Alan, where are you?" My voice raises slightly, almost shaking; I am about to break down, I can feel it. My breaths have become shortened, cold sweat making my clothes cling to my body. Everyone else in the room doesn't seem to care, as I run up to them, ask them where he is, they just shrug. Useless, they are all useless.

I want to cry, I want to scream. But no, I promised him that I would stay strong. He will be back, next to my side in no time. Yes, that's it, he will be back. He wouldn't leave me like this, he promised me he wouldn't. But maybe he was lying all along, maybe his motive was to get close to me, and then destroy me.

I bring my hands up to my head, tugging harshly on to my hair. My heartbeat is rapidly increasing, my limbs shaking.
"Alan!" I shout out again. I fell down on the floor, rocking back and forth. Why did he leave me? Did I do something wrong? Why, why, why, why?

"Austin?" I heard that familiar voice call my name; it was just my mind playing tricks on me, it had to be. I was certain that Alan had already left me.
"Austin, I'm so sorry, I quickly went to the toilet, I didn't think you would notice" I felt his arms wrap around me, creating soothing motions on my back. His warmth surrounded me, instantly removing some of the panic that had invaded my mind.

I hugged him tightly; he came back. He didn't leave me. It was just a false alarm; I was so relieved to have him back. We sat for a couple of minutes, just enough for me to calm down. Though, we didn't have a chance to sit there for long, because one of our daily sessions was about to take place. It was one of those sessions where everyone was involved; we didn't have them often, but since we had someone new here it was only tradition to have one.

Still clutching on to Alan I got up; he was my life support, and after this incident I was sure as hell that I wouldn't let go of him. I'm not going to let him out of sight.

We entered the simple room; chairs were already set out in a circle, with our psychiatrist already waiting, seated on one of the chairs. We were the first ones there, taking our usual spot for this particular event. I scooted my chair closer to Alan, afraid that if I wouldn't, he would just run away again.

Next came in Frank and Gerard, the two psychos. Well, actually Frank was the psycho, Gerard was tolerable on most days.

"Hey, fags"

"Shove this up your ass, Iero" I held my middle finger up to him. I knew he just loved to take the piss. He never did any physical damage, I just assumed he was joking most of the time, so I played along. Though, there were days when he would really get on my nerves, I couldn't stand seeing him make fun of Alan, that was the only thing that ever pushed me off the edge about him.

"Come and do it then" He snickered, sitting down on one of the chairs next to Gerard, who just sighed deeply; he was the most tired of Frank's shit, or at least he seemed like it to me, but most of the time you would see them together, much like me and Alan. Maybe Alan was tired of me too? What if he just couldn't wait to get away from me?

"What's wrong?" He asked me; his eyes were full of concern, full of care, just like they have always been. No, he wouldn't be tired of me. He wouldn't leave me. I hope he would never leave me.
"Nothing" I gave him a reassuring smile; he has always been there for me, and he always will. I am sure of it.

Oli and the new guy were the second to come in; the first thing I noticed was how pale and skinny he was. He didn't look anorexic, but he didn't look a healthy weight either. He didn't look particularly comfortable; he looked panicked, as if we would attack him the moment he looked away. He looked like a rabbit cornered by a pack of wolves. Only someone who was blind, or a complete idiot wouldn't notice his distress.

Straight after them came Tony, and behind him Jaime, who kept jumping from one side to the other, grinning widely and laughing every now and again. I don't understand how Tony can take it, being around Jaime all the time. The energy that man had could drive anyone insane, being around him too much couldn't be healthy. I know if I was in Tony's position I would long since lost my sanity. Oh but wait, I already have. I realize that I have an unhealthy obsession with Alan; there isn't a single second that I can bear being apart from him, and I realize full well that it is not something normal.

The last to come in were the two brothers, Vic and Mike. Vic never spoke to anyone, it was Mike who usually spoke for him. It wasn't that Vic was a selective mute, I have heard him talk before, but he just doesn't seem to have the energy and will power to do so. There are rumours going around that they have been here for over 5 years, that when Vic turned 18 he tried to take his life and so his parents sent him here, pushing his brother along. No one really knows if it's true, and what is actually wrong with him, and no one really tries to. There is no point; not even the psychiatrists and the meds seem to help. But Mike, on the other hand, seems to be getting better; he still has his ways to go, maybe a couple of years, but he will get there.