Why Do You Think

I didn't have to see to be able to tell that everyone was staring at me and passing judgement on me. I could feel their taunting's without them uttering a word.
My focus on everyone had subsided when my eyes travelled to the guy, who I had previously learned was named Vic. His worn out appearance made me wonder just what made him be pushed in such a bad state.

These thoughts cross my mind because of my once used to be best friend. He had committed suicide nearly a month ago. We had planned this together, we had been planning this for what seemed like a year now. We had promised that we wouldn't leave the other behind, but he went and did it without me.

I had tried to go after him, I really did, but unlike him I failed. My mum had found me and called the ambulance. They had said if it would have been just a few minutes later I would no longer be with them. Just a few more minutes

---- One month ago -----

"Goodbye Kellin" Said my best friend as he left for home. Today was the day, the day that I would no longer have to suffer the cruelty this world has to offer. To not feel pressurized by everyone I pass. To not have to worry about my weight and how many calories I intake. To finally not shove my fingers down my throat, and feel the acid mixed with food come through my mouth.

"Bye" I shouted back to him as I walked down my street. I would say that I looked happier than usual, and that is because I was. But something about the way he said bye to me worried me, it sounded as if he was saying it for the last time.

All night I anticipated for his text, we had planned to meet up tonight, and he said that he would inform me when that time would be later on today. It was nearly midnight, and he still hasn't said anything yet. I was slowly starting to get anxious, what if he got scared and doesn't want to do this anymore? No, I know him far too well, he, more than anyone, wants to be free of this suffering which is known as life. That left me with the thought that he would exclude me from our plan, as hard as it was for me to accept it, it was just as easily deniable.

When it was exactly 12 I received a text, in some sense I was relieved, but also I was afraid.
I read the text quickly, instantly realizing that we would not meet again.

I'm sorry, please don't end up like me. Please try to be happy, I'm begging you.

I dropped my phone in horror, feeling tears quickly soak my cheeks. He had left me, the one person I truly had faith in. The only one I could trust in this entire world. I was alone now, completely and utterly alone.

I had to take this in my own hands now; I quickly ran over to my drawer, rummaging through all the useless things, finding the two things I was looking for. My razor and a bottle of pills. That should do it.

I swallowed as much as I could, and while I could still more or less function, I slit my wrists. I couldn't feel the physical pain, or it was more like I couldn't appreciate it because I just felt numb. I felt the darkness consume me as all my lights went out.

I felt at peace.

I woke up in a hospital bed; I blinked slowly, squinting because of all the white surrounding me. It was an unpleasant scenery, everything about hospitals just made me feel sick.
I saw my mum sitting on a chair next to me, her head and shoulders lightly shaking, as small, quiet sobs escaped from her.

I had failed, could I not even die right?

I wanted to cry myself, but I felt incapable of doing that. I was so drained of energy that it was hard for me to even open my eyes.

I was let home a couple of days later, my mum had kept a close eye on me for a while, but she had grown tired of that. While she wasn't watching me I installed a lock on my door. It wasn't easy because I was afraid that she would get home right when I was in the middle of setting it up, and then she wouldn't let me out of her sight ever again, but I had been successful.

I locked myself inside, completely shutting away from the rest of the world.

----

Vic much reminded me of him, the way his eyes look so heavy and sick of seeing. That similar attitude that everyone was forced to see. But seeing as me and my best friend knew everything about each other, I vaguely knew what he thought. I knew that he wasn't always sad every breathing second. There would be some moments where my best friend would offer me one of his rare smiles, and there were exceptional occasions where I would see a tiny glint in his eyes. I could see some life returning to him, but they would always last no longer than a minute.

I wondered if I could get Vic to be the same, if he was able to smile and be happy too.

"Hey, Kellin, we need to go now" I jumped slightly as I saw Oli's tattooed hand wave in front of my face. Apparently it was already 10 pm, the time that we are supposed to return to our rooms. Guess I was buried in my thoughts for longer than I thought, I'm just surprised that Oli didn't try talking to me that whole time.