Empty Mind

A weary, bored sigh was forcefully pushed out from indifferent, parted lips. Eyelids were fluttering and heavy with the kind of sleep that came with complete disinterest. The page of logarithms in front of you became blurry as you yawned, and you struggled to prevent yourself from falling asleep on your homework.

As if eager to release you from your drowsiness, your phone vibrated excitedly in your pocket. Fumbling around clumsily, you glanced at the screen half-heartedly, suddenly blinking in pleasant surprise as Taemin's name flashed on the screen. You answered it enthusiastically.

"Hey Taemin!"

"Hello." His regular, polite greeting made you smile, though something about his voice was a bit off. There was an unnatural pause that made you wonder if he'd hung up, before his quavering voice excitedly broke the silence on the other end. "I... I made it past the first round of the audition."

The single sentence sent a wave of shock through your body. Despite the fact he'd told you about auditioning for a company in Korea, it had been a month since the audition. The sudden good news made your heart beat faster in anticipation for your boyfriend's career. "Congratulations! Though for the record, I totally knew you could do it. I'm really happy for you-"

His soft voice interrupted lightly, concerned words inserting themselves gently after your sentence as a worried afterthought. "Yes, but... I'm moving back to Korea in two weeks once school is over."

His painful reminder instantly anchored you back to reality. Fame for your boyfriend meant taking him away from you. "B-But if I don't pass the second audition, then I'll return to America before summer ends," he reminded you quickly, for fear of making you too depressed for his big break. His voice was sympathetic and understanding, like it had always been, and that comforted you.

You shook away your unhappiness, furious at yourself for being so selfish as to take away from Taemin's dream by being worried by trivial things. "Don't even think about coming back for me. Just go to Korea and try you best, okay?"

"Ah, o-okay."

******

With warm breezes and bright foliage that were the epitome of how summer was supposed to look, the day was surprisingly beautiful for a day so tragic. You believed the display of gorgeous weather mocked you, shining brightly while you were feeling less-than content. Taemin was packing his suitcases in the trunk of his parent's car and you stood there, frozen, as he threw the final bag into the backseat.

"I'll call you when I can," he beamed while you forced a painful smile in return, attempting to crudely bandage over the terrible cracking, crumbling feeling in your chest. No matter what he said about how picky the judges were and how competitive the other auditioners were, you were sure he was going to pass the final around, become an idol, and then disappear from your life forever.

Yet you'd never seen him this happy before. After he'd passed the first audition, Taemin had called you regularly and smiled practically nonstop. You supposed the idea of fulfilling his dream once and for all was what was behind his change in attitude. From his old mumbling and timid self, he had morphed into being more cheerful and easily excited. Nonetheless, his constant bright smiles were bittersweet for you. After meeting him only a few months ago, he was stepping out of your life once more, but this time you would have full knowledge of what was missing.

"Don't worry, we'll still be friends I promise," Taemin comforted you, or at least tried to. It was hard not to detect the still-casual tone of his voice. He was off to do bigger and better things, while you had no other choice but to watch him and support him from a place where he wouldn't even see you.

His mother called to him from the garage, shouting something in rapidfire Korean. "I have to go now. Bye."

He leaned froward, brown eyes full of all the well-intentioned innocence that came with a first love. His lips pressed against your forehead, healing your aching chest with a quick kiss before remedying you with two more, kissing you again on the tip of your nose and once more, another short, lightning kiss, on the lips. "Bye," you whispered, without hiding the traces of sadness that ran and dripped through your voice like the tears you wanted to spill. He waved cutely and swung into the backseat of his parent's car.

It was tortuously tempting to run up behind him and give him one long, lasting hug that was much more than the three short kisses he had presented to you as a parting gift. You distantly watched his car grow smaller and smaller in the distance, knowing you would probably never see him again. It felt amazingly hollow.

On your walk home, you decided the three short kisses were an engagement of sorts. A promise that a much longer, passionate, and emotional kiss was in store for the next time you'd meet. It was the most you could do to lever your disappointment.

******

It had been six months until Taemin called you back from his new life in Korea. He had, as you'd predicted, succeeded in becoming a Trainee at SM Entertainment. His last phonecall to you was filled with excitement and eagerness on his side and hidden tears and heartache on yours. You thought it was rather impressive how well you hid the waterfall of tears that streamed down your face that day.

He told you that it would be almost impossible to call back now that he was a trainee, that he wouldn't even be able to see his family that often anymore. "Let's keep our cell phone numbers the same, then," you had suggested frantically, vainly trying to push down the feverish desperation that rattled your mind. You were terrified of losing him as things were as bad as they were. Now you were separated from him for hundreds of miles without even a phonecall to keep you together. It felt as if your relationship was hanging by a tenuous, fraying thread that threatened to snap into two frazzled pieces at any second.

You were at risk of losing him forever.

"That way... Once you're an idol and you become famous, I can call you again," you continued, swallowing away the tears that had built up in your throat.

"Alright, I will," he replied simply. He seemed to agree with the idea, but you could tell in his voice that there was no way he understood the whole of the situation. He didn't know you were scared of never seeing him again, of being unable to see his face or hear his voice or receive his kisses, no matter how short they were.

"Well then, I'll see you in a while I guess."

"I guess, haha. Bye!"

"Bye Taemin..."

The drone of the dial tone resonated in the suddenly empty feeling in your diaphragm.