Unknown
A question left un-asked
The wind whistled and the waves crashed as she walked down the concrete steps that lead her to the sand. Leaning down and greeting her hands with one foot at a time, she removed her shoes and left them on the bottom step. She smiled. Destroying footprints, pawprints and messages written as she followed the directions from her mind, her dress flowing in the breeze and the goose-pimples forming on her skin. Closer and closer, she crept towards the water, willing it to take her away from everything inside and outside; take her away from the world, take her away from her thoughts, take her away from everyone and everything. Just take her away. Like the waves that rose just to fall, everything in her world had come crashing down; problems, situations and issues consumed her. But the alcohol consumed them back, fighting for her right to think not-so-clearly. The alcohol consumed her and when the memories came flooding back with ease, the alcohol flooded them and washed them away with greater power. Consumed. That's all she ever was. But not anymore, she was determined. The water calmed her, made her relax for the first time in what felt like a lifetime. For the first time since her problems ever arose, she thought about them in great and grave detail. She let them crawl their way back into her head and she let herself think about them. With every thought that popped up, she took a step closer until she was on the edge. The water crashed against her toes as she took a deep breath. Minus two was the temperature, and she wore minimal clothing, but she felt pretty. Her skeletal legs shook as she took one more step and found her feet engulfed by the sea.
Christmas shouldn't be like this. Christmas should be spent with the family. But when there was no family, there was no Christmas. When so-called friends were spending the day with their family, there was no Christmas. When there was nobody, there was nothing. And she liked it that way.
Her dress hung quite loosely from her figure, two sizes too big as the worry had shed the pounds faster than she could blink. And now she herself, consisted of nothing but a vast amount of bones and little flesh to cover them. The skin was stretched taut around them, an image that when standing in front of her, gave her the impression she was too fat to be loved. And that is why she had nobody.
She found herself knee deep in the freezing water, crossing her barely-there, scar ridden arms over her chest for that extra bit of warmth that didn't exist. Everything suddenly felt better. Nothing had felt right for a very long time, ever since that one day that never mattered.
The silence was deafening; she could hear every single word being spoken in her head, she could hear every single bated breath as the lack of heat slowly stole them, she could hear the thoughts battling for first place in the war of 'think-of-me-because-I'm-more-fatal-to-your-existence'. She began to wish that she hadn't let them back in as she shook her head in fear and panic and worry. She was lost, well and truly lost with no idea how to find her way back. A single tear rolled down her left cheek as she tried her hardest to fight them back. She failed. Like many other things she had attempted, she failed. And she failed hard.
Closer.
One step closer to the sea, now waist deep. Her dress was pulling her down with every step she took and feeling the weight, she let herself float. Turning around and falling backwards, as if in slow motion, she fell and she crashed. She didn't bother to hold her breath as she sank below sea level, the force bruising her brittle back. Every wave dragged her out to sea that little bit extra, as she provided no battle to resurface. But eventually and inevitably, it happened. Her body rose to float. Now drenched, she laid there motionless. Apart from her eyes that blinked repeatedly. She hadn't spoken a single word since that day, not that anybody had ever noticed. But now, she broke that silence and for the first time since that day, she found herself mutter that single word. The word that had the power to stop something from happening. The word that could end an individual's potential happiness when they ask you out on a date. The word that told the truth when asked if one is "okay". Because nobody is ever just "okay".
And she was definitely not.
She ended the blinking and shut her eyes.
- - - - - - - - - -
A gravestone with a crowd, attracting attention that she'd simply craved for years. And never received until this very moment, when it was far too late.
They should have known. They should have cared. They should have asked. They should have spared that extra minute and made time, but they didn't. And now they felt it. They felt the sudden rush of emotion. They felt the shivers rage across their skin and down their backs as one by one, they all saw her. They saw her in that dress. They saw her fine, damaged, unconditioned hair stick to her skin.
Her real perpetrator standing in the crowd, pretending to care but just actually being nosy, busying himself so he didn't have to think of what he'd done. What she'd done. After-all, a strange turn of events after reading about the death of an unknown female, who looks quite similar to someone you've emotionally killed, seems very suspicious. He was the real perpetrator, the only one there who could be arrested. When in reality, every single person was a perpetrator to her, of their own. And they knew it.
The scars, the cuts and the blood on her arm told them all just how many times she had needed somebody. And just how many times nobody had been there; just how many times they hadn't been there.
They should have asked, but they didn't. And now the answer they longed to hear, remained unheard. The reason they longed to know, remained unknown. Nobody knew.
Apart from him.
Christmas shouldn't be like this. Christmas should be spent with the family. But when there was no family, there was no Christmas. When so-called friends were spending the day with their family, there was no Christmas. When there was nobody, there was nothing. And she liked it that way.
Her dress hung quite loosely from her figure, two sizes too big as the worry had shed the pounds faster than she could blink. And now she herself, consisted of nothing but a vast amount of bones and little flesh to cover them. The skin was stretched taut around them, an image that when standing in front of her, gave her the impression she was too fat to be loved. And that is why she had nobody.
She found herself knee deep in the freezing water, crossing her barely-there, scar ridden arms over her chest for that extra bit of warmth that didn't exist. Everything suddenly felt better. Nothing had felt right for a very long time, ever since that one day that never mattered.
The silence was deafening; she could hear every single word being spoken in her head, she could hear every single bated breath as the lack of heat slowly stole them, she could hear the thoughts battling for first place in the war of 'think-of-me-because-I'm-more-fatal-to-your-existence'. She began to wish that she hadn't let them back in as she shook her head in fear and panic and worry. She was lost, well and truly lost with no idea how to find her way back. A single tear rolled down her left cheek as she tried her hardest to fight them back. She failed. Like many other things she had attempted, she failed. And she failed hard.
Closer.
One step closer to the sea, now waist deep. Her dress was pulling her down with every step she took and feeling the weight, she let herself float. Turning around and falling backwards, as if in slow motion, she fell and she crashed. She didn't bother to hold her breath as she sank below sea level, the force bruising her brittle back. Every wave dragged her out to sea that little bit extra, as she provided no battle to resurface. But eventually and inevitably, it happened. Her body rose to float. Now drenched, she laid there motionless. Apart from her eyes that blinked repeatedly. She hadn't spoken a single word since that day, not that anybody had ever noticed. But now, she broke that silence and for the first time since that day, she found herself mutter that single word. The word that had the power to stop something from happening. The word that could end an individual's potential happiness when they ask you out on a date. The word that told the truth when asked if one is "okay". Because nobody is ever just "okay".
And she was definitely not.
She ended the blinking and shut her eyes.
- - - - - - - - - -
A gravestone with a crowd, attracting attention that she'd simply craved for years. And never received until this very moment, when it was far too late.
They should have known. They should have cared. They should have asked. They should have spared that extra minute and made time, but they didn't. And now they felt it. They felt the sudden rush of emotion. They felt the shivers rage across their skin and down their backs as one by one, they all saw her. They saw her in that dress. They saw her fine, damaged, unconditioned hair stick to her skin.
Her real perpetrator standing in the crowd, pretending to care but just actually being nosy, busying himself so he didn't have to think of what he'd done. What she'd done. After-all, a strange turn of events after reading about the death of an unknown female, who looks quite similar to someone you've emotionally killed, seems very suspicious. He was the real perpetrator, the only one there who could be arrested. When in reality, every single person was a perpetrator to her, of their own. And they knew it.
The scars, the cuts and the blood on her arm told them all just how many times she had needed somebody. And just how many times nobody had been there; just how many times they hadn't been there.
They should have asked, but they didn't. And now the answer they longed to hear, remained unheard. The reason they longed to know, remained unknown. Nobody knew.
Apart from him.