Not Like the Movies

Not many people ever get some of the opportunities that my band and I had gotten over the last few years. We formed the band and like many other teenage bands, we dreamed big. We just never expected that those dreams would come through. During our junior and senior year, while other kids our age were concentrating on their school work and partying, we were doing our hardest to get our band recognised. We started out playing tiny shows, supporting local bands, playing as many parties and basically playing to anyone who would stop long enough to listen to us. For those first few shows we were lucky if 5 people stopped long enough to pay attention to us play. But we eventually started getting more and more attention. We did our first proper tour during the summer before our senior year. It had been rough but if anything, it proved that us four hopeless dreamers wanted this more than anything else in the world. During our senior year we managed to attract the attention of a record label and we signed a record deal on Valentine’s Day. No one in our grade really paid much attention to our massive news but our family were happy for us, even if they weren’t too pleased at the fact we were choosing to skip out on college. They would have liked us to have a “back-up” plan but they had faith in us.

At the start, things were great, my girlfriend who I’d been with since I was 16 stuck with me despite the fact that I was constantly at band practise and playing shows. She was just under two years older than me and we’d met at one of All Time Low’s first ever shows. She’d been starting her freshman year in Towson University and she was a friend of a friend and we’d hit it off straight away. As the band got bigger, Willow started to become more suspicious about whether I was cheating on her when I was on the road. She didn’t like not knowing what I was doing at all times. I thought it was normal and we still kept our relationship going. When we were home together, things were fine. Eventually, it got too much for her and we broke it off when I had just turned 20. It had been a tough decision for me but her paranoia was ruining her and I couldn’t bear to see her so convinced that I was cheating on her. I thought she might have been just an over-protective girlfriend but I never thought it was being caused by something much deeper and darker.

We had been apart a little under two months when Willow appeared at one of our shows out of the blue. She was the last person I’d expected to see especially since the show was in Ohio. She looked a wreck and I knew whatever she had to say would be important. She took me to one side and told me that she’d found out she was 3 months pregnant. That news shook my world, we’d been so careful! All Time Low had just started to gain some major recognition with the release of “So Wrong, It’s Right” and we were expected to tour for the majority of the year.

Even though, we had split up, I wasn’t going to abandon her or my un-born child. I wasn’t that type of a guy. We decided to get back together and try and work things out for the sake of our child. We had been High School sweethearts, that couple who had been together for as long as anyone could remember. The relationship was worth another shot, especially since we would soon become parents. For the first few months, everything was fine. I came home as much as I possibly could and I had her with me when I could too. I didn’t realise that she’d been skipping Doctors appointments until my mom asked me about how a routine scan went. Willow claimed to have simply forgotten to go to it and I accepted that. We scheduled one straight away and I got to see my baby on the screen for the first time and hear its heartbeat. I suppose, it was my own fault that I wasn’t around to notice how little she was bonding with our unborn child. While I was obsessed with learning everything it could do and the different stages of gestation Willow seemed completely disinterested. I could feel us drifting further and further apart but I clung on, my son or daughter was going to have a good life!

So, I was the one talking to the bump, waiting to feel it kick and reading everything I could get my hands on about my little munchkin, while she would have been more interested in watching paint dry. I kept coming up with excuses for her lack of excitement and, I was certain that as soon as the baby was born that her maternal instinct would kick in and that she would bond with it.

It was my mom and I who bought everything for the baby when I’d managed to get home for week to find that Willow hadn’t even bought so much as a baby grow. Whether we liked it or not, this baby was coming in a little over 2 months and we needed to be prepared. The band had been super supportive and we’d managed to schedule our time off to write our new album so it coincided with when I needed to be at home.

I had only one more week left of shows left before our break when I got really bad news. I had been in the middle of a show when Matt signalled me to come to him when the song ended. His face set off warning bells in my head as he told me my mom needed to speak to me urgently. I shoved the guitar in his hands telling him to keep the crowd occupied as I scrambled to get my phone from Colussy as he led me somewhere quiet. I could see the band shoot me worried looks and Jack even left the stage to come follow me to make sure I was ok.

As I waited for the call to connect I could hear Matt announcing that Jack and I would be right back and, in the meantime they were going to just play covers for them. Jack’s hand clutched mine to stop it from shaking as I waited for my mom to pick up. My heart thudded in my chest and I knew that something must have happened. My mom wouldn’t call me unless it was an emergency and it was too early for her to be ringing to tell me that my baby had been born healthy. There was still 10 weeks left until her due date.

“Alex, I’m sorry for dragging you off stage but you needed to be told,” my mom gasped when I finally got through to her. Her voice shook as she spoke “It’s Willow. She tried to kill herself and the baby. She didn’t make it but your baby did. It’s a girl and she’s holding on for now. They said she’s really small and not able to breathe on her own yet. I haven’t seen her yet. You need to get here,”

My mom’s words mostly went straight over my head and all I could think of was my poor baby fighting for her life. I was a dad, a few months shy of my 21st birthday and I already had another life depending on me!

“Mom you have to try and see her,” I cried “Please don’t leave her. I don’t want her to be on her own. I’ll be home as soon as I can. I need to find some way of cancelling the rest of the show. Please let her be ok.”

I hung up the phone and went to stand up to walk back to the stage but Jack grabbed me by the waist and pulled me back to his lap and held me close to him. He’d heard every word and was whispering words of encouragement in my ear as I sobbed into his shoulder. All I wanted to do was get home to see my baby. It wasn’t fair that her mother abandoned her and now I couldn’t be there right away. Before I knew it Colussy, Matt, Rian and Zack were all in the room. Their faces concerned as they tried to reassure me that she’d be ok. Matt informed me that he’d called for a car to drive me the 2 hours back to Baltimore and that it would be here in 45 minutes. It was the quickest he could arrange it for. Jack offered to go with me so I wouldn’t be alone and I was grateful for that.

My mom was trying her best to update me but she still hadn’t been allowed into see her and that worried me. If I knew she was ok I could calm down. My heart jumped when Matt told me that the car was here and he handed me my bag with some of my essential stuff that Rian had thoughtfully packed for me. Before we left we were warned that there were still loads of fans outside the venue so we’d have to avoid them walking out. Jack and I both pulled our sunglasses on to disguise the fact we’d been crying and our hoods up as I let him pull me by the hand out to the car.

Fans went crazy when they saw us passing but I was like a zombie as we passed them, ignoring the calls of our names. Some shouted abuse but it went straight over my head as I allowed my best friend to pull me towards the waiting car. Matt did his best to stop them from getting near us and nearly lost his cool at them at one point, before security at the venue intervened. I kept my head down as they tried to get our attention. Matt walked us to the car making sure to tell the driver that we needed to be there as soon as possible.

“Alex stay safe Bro. Your baby is going to be a fighter like you. I know it!” he reassured me “Jack look after him and keep me posted. We’ll follow you guys once we’ve sorted everything here. Drive safe boys!”

I spent the entire trip in Jack’s arms as he encouraged me to get some sleep and just calm down for a little bit. He’d even googled premature babies and told me that her odds were good. She had a 98% chance of survival...well according to the internet anyway. The main question running through my head was why? Why would Willow kill herself and try and kill our baby? I understood that she wasn’t stoked about becoming a mom but she could have at least carried the baby to full term and then fucked off. She’d put our babies life at risk and our child would have to live with that for the rest of her life. I would be the one who would have to eventually tell my daughter that her mom had decided to kill herself while pregnant instead of sticking around.

This wasn’t how things were supposed to go. I could deal with becoming a parent much sooner in my life than I’d planned. Kids had always been something I wanted, I just hadn’t expected to become a dad a 20 but, I’d known from the very start that this would be a great thing. I’d been so excited to become a dad, to finally meet the little munchkin inside the bump. My daughter wasn’t supposed to grow up without a mom. She didn’t deserve to go through something so traumatic so early in life. Parenthood was supposed to be a team effort, two people who worked together to raise their child and make them the best they could possibly be. Yeah, it didn’t always work out that way but it also didn’t always start with a mom trying to kill both herself and her unborn child. I tried to push all the worries out of my head as we drove. I knew that eventually I would drive myself crazy with the “What ifs?” and the “Whys?”

Part of me was shocked that the tears that fell weren’t in any way for the loss of my girlfriend. I felt indifferent to her passing purely because she’d put our child at risk. Our relationship had been crumbling in the last few months but I had been determined to hold on and stick it out. It was crazy that I felt nothing for someone I’d once loved with all of my heart. Instead, I cried for my daughter, who must feel so scared and alone. I know she would never remember any of this but still, a child’s life wasn’t supposed to start like this, being unloved and alone. It was a good thing that this event would leave no lasting memories with her. I would just have to concentrate on making the rest of her life as great as I could.

Somehow along the way I must have drifted off to sleep because he was shaking me awake telling me that we were nearly there. I looked out the window and saw the hospital in the distance. A look at my phone confirmed it was just after 1am. I quickly thanked the driver before we both bolted out of the car and I rushed towards the 4th floor where my mom was waiting.

She looked just as bad as I felt when I saw her and my dad sitting in the waiting room. I was starting to get agitated by the lack of information about her but thankfully a Doctor came and found us and told me that they’d managed to stabilise her for now. He explained that she was very small and needed help breathing for the foreseeable future. He also explained that there had been some complications when she’d been delivered and she’d lost some blood when she was born and that they’d had to restart her heart after she’d been delivered. His words sounded like something out of a horror story and I couldn’t quiet comprehend what was happening. He also explained that she’d been hooked up to a lot of monitors and wires when I saw her and that I needed to be prepared for that. It was all necessary to help them care for her. I was told nothing about Willow and at that moment I could have cared less about her.

At first, I was the only one allowed to see her because they were still getting her settled on the NICU. I was given a blue gown and little booties to wear as I entered the room which had 3 identical incubators – 2 of which were occupied. I was led to an incubator where, under blue lights there was a tiny little baby lying in the middle of ring of blankets. The nappy that had been put on her looked to be ten sizes too big for her and her eyes were covered in these things that looked like sunglasses. She looked like a baby alien. There was a tube helping her breathe and her little chest moved up and down with each breath she took. It was a little daunting to take it all in but I tried to listen to the Doctor as he pointed out everything she was hooked up to. The blue lights and the glasses were to prevent jaundice and I was told it was more of a precaution for the first 24 hours more than anything else. She was so tiny and so fragile but seeing her made me feel confident that she would pull through and be a little fighter as everyone predicted. While I just presumed that Willow would just have a small baby bump and that was normal, the doctor confirmed that my baby was a lot smaller than she should be which made treating her a little difficult. He suggested that it was down to not eating enough during the pregnancy.

I could only stare at her in awe as I watched her breath and heard the monitor beeping to let me know her heart was beating steadily.

“You can touch her if you want,” a nurse said, startling from me thoughts. “She’s not as fragile as she looks. I reckon this one will be a fighter. She’s already trying to more her arms and legs. That’s a really good thing. Does she have a name or are you waiting for mom to see her before ye name her?”

My breath caught in my throat as I replied “Her mom didn’t make it. I was thinking of calling her Isabella though. I’ve always loved the name.”

“It suits her. It’s a nice strong name and I’m sure she’s going to grow up and be as beautiful as her name,” the nurse commented before opening a little hatch in the side “You can put your hand in here and touch her. She’s a little tired now but you’ll quickly find her trying to grasp for your finger when she becomes more alert. The drugs will wear off her and she won’t be so sluggish. She’ll like the contact.”

I was hesitant at first as I put my hand in. My hand looked huge in comparison to her small frame and her hand was so small. The nurse encouraged me to hold her hand and, offered to take a photo of her for me so I could show others. It was comforting to be able to touch her and know that she was doing ok. I listened as the nurse who had introduced herself as Anna, tried to fill me in on as much as she could. She told me that while all the wires looked daunting at first, most of it was pretty common for treating a preemie. After a half an hour she encouraged me to go and update my family and pointed out another room where they could be closer to us. She promised me that she wouldn’t be leaving Isabella on her own as she’d been assigned to her and her only. Between her and another nurse, Casey who would be there during the other shifts, Bella would be their charge until she left the hospital.

Jack, my mom and my dad were exactly where I left them and looked at me anxiously as I entered the room. When they saw my face was smiling the perked up a little.

“The Doctor said that she’s doing well and I’ve decided to call her Isabella,” I announced “She’s still very weak and small but she’s getting the best of care. I have photos if you want to see them?”

My mother practically ripped the phone from me as the three of them strained to get a look at the screen. She couldn’t believe how small she was especially when she saw how big my hands were beside her small body.

“Congratulations Lex,” Jack grinned coming up and hugging me, making sure to keep positive and upbeat. “She’s beautiful. We’ll have our work cut out for when she’s older. We’re going to have to keep the boys away from her. Zack and Rian will have to keep on working out! We’ll need at least two of her uncles’ to be intimidating!”

I showed them to where Anna had said they could wait and I was able to point Isabella out through the glass because her incubator was closest to the window. Since my parents had already been at the hospital for so long I convinced them to head home and get some rest. There was no point in them staying when all they’d be doing was waiting. Jack had already told them that he was staying and that he’d keep them updated on everything. When I went back into the ward Anna told me that I could have Jack with me. She claimed that I needed some moral support and it would help to have someone here with me so I wouldn’t be going through everything alone.

Jack’s face lit up when he walked in and saw Isabella face to face. He couldn’t believe how small she was and immediately began questioning Anna about her condition. I was glad to have him there because he asked all the questions my frazzled brain couldn’t ask. I still hadn’t really let everything sink in and everything felt so surreal. Every time Anna would mention something positive he would squeeze my hand in excitement as I marvelled at the fact that the tiny human in front of me was mine.

“When will I be able to hold her?” I asked after I finally found my voice “Will it be soon?”

“If everything goes well tonight and she keeps improving you might be able to hold her tomorrow.” Anna explained “The first 24 hours are critical and we’ll know more in the morning. We try to encourage skin to skin contact though. It’s something called the Kangaroo method. We’ll explain it more when we’re going to do it.”

The night passed pretty quickly and I dozed in and out of sleep, never sleeping for too long. Jack stayed by my side for the entire night, leaving only to go and call the guys with an update and to send them a photo. They were all driving back tomorrow, and the band had issued the normal, due to unforeseen circumstances statement, when cancelling the remainder of our shows. None of our fans even knew that Willow was pregnant. She hadn’t wanted anyone to know. I guess her reason why made sense now.

At about 9am the following morning, Anna explained that they needed to go and take Bella for some scans and that it would be a good chance for me to go and eat something. She pointed us in the direction of the canteen and that was where we were when one the nurses found me and told me that the Police wanted to speak to me. Jack followed me to the private family room where there were two officers sitting there waiting for me.

“Thank you for taking the time to come and speak to us. I’m Officer Ryan and this is my colleague Officer Nolan,” the introduced, offering Jack and I their hands to shake as we introduced ourselves “We appreciate that this is a very difficult time for you and your family so we will try to make this as brief as we possibly can. We just need to ask you a few questions about Ms. Matthews. When was the last time you spoke to her? ”

“Umm, early yesterday morning,” I answered as I cleared my throat. It was hard to believe that it had only been yesterday. Time had dragged so slowly that it felt like an eternity and not 24 hours. “I’m in a band and we were away on tour. I called her yesterday to see how she was and how the baby was doing. I tried to speak to her at least once a day,”

Officer Nolan took notes while Office Ryan questioned me. “And how did she sound? Did she mention anything that would have warned you something wasn’t right? How was she throughout her pregnancy?”

“She seemed fine. She said she was a little tired. That the baby had been kicking all night,” I cast my mind back to that phone call. “She mentioned something about not being able to wait until she had the baby out of her, so she wouldn’t be pregnant. I just thought it was a joke, that she was just a little fed up and tired. She was the one who came to me and told me she was pregnant after we’d broken up. She had to have been excited at some stage. It sounds cruel but she could have got rid of it and I would have been none the wiser. I’d just started a big tour. I would have been gone and she could have never told me. I always thought she’d bond with the baby when it was born and that the reason she wasn’t excited was because we were still young. She was only 22.”

This caused both of the Officers to look at me with raised eyebrows, as if I had said something majorly wrong.

“And would you have preferred that she got rid of the baby Mr. Gaskarth? Did you tell her it would have been the best thing to do? After all, a baby and a music career don’t seem to go hand in hand.”

“Of course I didn’t. I’d never do something like that,” I replied, my voice raised as Jack grabbed my hand to make me calm down “I was so excited to become a dad. I tried to make our relationship work for the sake of our baby. When I realised she was forgetting about scans I made sure that I was able to go to every single one, even if that meant flying home for just a few hours. I came home one weekend and bought everything our baby would need because she hadn’t bought anything yet. She said she was too tired to go shopping and that being pregnant made it hard for her to do anything for too long. I would do anything for Willow and our baby!”

My brain was a muddle of flashbacks from the past few months as I desperately tried to search for clues that something like this was going to happen.

“We’re sorry but we have to ask these questions but we need to have as much information as possible. It was a definite suicide but we need to make sure there weren’t any other factors surrounding her death. Mr Barakat, how would you describe their relationship? Did anything stand out to you?”

“He treated her like a queen,” Jack started as I lay my head in my hands, willing for this nightmare to be over with “He adored the ground she walked on and he’d do anything for her. They broke up because she was becoming paranoid about him cheating on her when she wasn’t around. She couldn’t cope with that. She wanted to end things and it broke his heart. They were high school sweethearts. Alex knew that it was hurting her to keep the relationship up when she couldn’t trust him, so he let her go. He never gave her any reason not to trust him though. When Willow came to him and told him she was pregnant, he begged her for another chance. He wanted nothing more than to be a family and I know that if she’d asked him to give everything up to be with her and the baby, I think he would have done it. He’d always been completely invested in their relationship! A few weeks ago, he came straight off stage, got on a plane, flew overnight from Florida to Baltimore just so he could go to a scan. He spent two hours in Baltimore, just enough time to go to the scan and get back to the airport before flying back to the tour. He arrived at the venue twenty minutes before we were supposed to go on. He warmed up and put on a great performance despite the fact he hadn’t slept in over 24 hours! Now, if that doesn’t show you just how much he wanted this kid, then I don’t know what will!”

***

Holding my daughter for the first time was the most unreal and unbelievable experience I’d ever had. I had to wait three long agonizingly slow days before they deemed her stable enough to be held but it was worth every second. I had found out that the Kangaroo Method was actually a very cool way for me to bond with my baby. Basically, she was placed on my bare chest so we had skin to skin contact and then, we were wrapped up in a blanket to keep us warm. It was a little awkward with all the wires but I didn’t care. I had my little miracle in my arms. The nurses were pleased with her progress but she still had a long road ahead of her. She’d be in hospital at until her due date at least if not a little longer.

Isabella was 5 weeks old when we decided to release a proper statement about why we had stopped touring and literally dropped off the face of the earth. She was getting better had been taken off the ventilator and not only needed oxygen occasionally, mainly at night while she slept. I was also able to start feeding her tiny amount of milk. I literally only left the hospital to go home and sleep, eat and shower and at that I only did it when it was fully necessary. I hated leaving her there but it had to be done. It amazed me how big she was getting and I could see her progressing every single day. The band and my family had been amazing. They had stuck with me through everything and I always had someone with me. We had all met up at the house Rian and I shared one evening, after Anna had shooed me out of the ward ordering me to go and get some rest, so we could plan what we were going to write in the statement. The label understood that this was something we needed to do ourselves so let us take full control of it.

One thing all of the guys were sure of was that they wanted to include the picture of me holding her for the first time in the post. It was my favourite photo of her. Fans were getting more and more curious as to where we’d gone to and how hardly any of us were updating our Twitter accounts like we used to. After about half an hour we had come up with something that was appropriate.

Meet Isabella Raven Gaskarth.
Hey guys, It Alex, Zack, Rian and Jack here and we just wanted to write to you to tell you explain why we had to cancel the tour and have basically disappeared. The gorgeous little baby you see in this photo is Alex’s daughter, Isabella. Unfortunately, we were in the middle of a show, some of you may have been at that very show, when Alex got the call to say that she had been delivered over 9 weeks premature. She was born 5 weeks ago on October 13th. This photo was taken 3 days after she was born and it was the first time Alex got to hold her. Isn’t this photo the cutest thing you’ve ever seen? Like her daddy, she’s a little fighter and while she’s still very small she’s getting better every day. She’s still going to be in hospital for at least another 5 weeks.

All Time Low is not only just a band – we are all family. Alex needs our support right now so, that’s where our priorities must lie. You, our fans are our family too and we hope you send as much love and positive vibes to Alex and his little girl as he is plunged head first into fatherhood. As soon as she’s bigger and home from hospital, we will begin the writing process for our new album and try to re-schedule the missed tour dates. Just so you can see the difference those 5 weeks has made, here’s a photo of the band and our tiniest fan which was taken today. She’s going to grow up with 3 very protective uncles and a protective daddy to match! We are all so in awe of her!
Thank you for your support so far. We love each and every one of you – Alex, Jack, Rian and Zack.

We posted it onto our website before each posting links to it from our twitter with the heading “Important band announcement”

“Ok, now that all that is done, you are going upstairs to take a long bath and relax,” Rian ordered as he snapped into protective, best friend mode. “While you do that Zack is going to cook dinner, I’m going to do some laundry and then Jack and I are going to stock up on groceries. Once we’ve eaten we’re going to chill, watch a movie and then you are sleeping for at least 8 hours. I won’t bring you back until then. If you want anything in particular now is the time to speak up but other than that go upstairs, turn on some music and just check out for a little while.“

This was literally the only way that they actually could make me do things. If I had my way I’d be back in the hospital right now. The logical part of my brain told me that I needed my sleep and I needed to be healthy for her. If I was sick I wouldn’t be able to see her. I needed to be at the top of my game for when I brought her home. However, that logical part was slowly but surely being overtaken by my instincts as a father to protect his daughter. I didn’t even know that I was capable of instincts like that but they came out of nowhere as soon as I saw my baby.

“But what if they need me?” I asked. Even though this was more or less a routine at this stage, I couldn’t help but ask the same questions every time “I don’t want to miss the call.”

“You won’t Lex,” Jack reassured me, placing his hand on my shoulder “The hospital has all of our numbers. They’ll call if something happens. Come on I’ll take you upstairs, I’ll run a bath for you, put on some music and then you can relax for a little while. You are no good to Bella sick now are you? ”

He almost pushed me out of the living room and upstairs, making me go grab some towels and some fresh clothes while he ran a hot bath.

“I know you might think that we’re being tough on you but we are only thinking of you Lex,” Jack announced, his voice soft after he’d turned around so I could sit into the bath “We only want what’s best for you and Bella. If you kept going you’d end up way worse off and then you wouldn’t be allowed to see her at all. You came off a stressful tour and went straight into looking after her. For the past 5 weeks, you’ve been running on the bare minimum your body needs and it’s starting to show. Look at how skinny you’ve got, you have permanent black circles around your eyes and you’ve been having more and more panic attacks. Don’t think I haven’t noticed the mini ones you’ve tried to hide from me. Yeah, I might have only intervened during the serious ones but I know about the other ones too. You might have been able to calm yourself down really quickly but that’s not healthy. Bella is in the best possible hands she could be right now. She has a team of doctors and nurses looking after her, now you need me and the guys do that for you. Think of us as your personal team of doctors and nurses. You need all of your energy for when she gets home. That’s when the fun starts -you’ll have middle of the night feeds and seriously early mornings! Just know that we love you ok!”

“I love you too Bro,” I replied as I felt the hot water work at loosening my tense muscles “I do appreciate everything you do even if I don’t say it all the time. I’d be lost without you, Rian and Zack!”

He ruffled my hair, before pressing play on the docking station and leaving the room. The first thing my mind did was wander back to the note that Willow had left before she’d left the house and killed herself. The words haunted my thoughts but my mind was always drawn back to them. As long as I would live I would never forget them and I knew that when the time came to tell my daughter about her so-called mother I wouldn’t ever be able to tell her about the note. I wouldn’t ever put something like that on my daughter. My daughter would never know that she was carried by someone who had no intention of loving her and wouldn’t even get her illness seen to for the sake of her child. The note had been left tacked on the fridge, like a shopping list or a to-do list. It had actually been Rian who’d found the note when he’d returned home and even though he’d been reluctant at first, he showed it to me.

It read: Alex, I can’t do this anymore! This baby is poisoning me! I need it out of me before it kills me! Trust me it’s for the best! We don’t need that in our lives! Things will be better after this. It’s tearing us apart. You’ll thank me in the end. Remember that I love you I just can’t love this child. – Willow

I had physically gotten sick when I’d first read the words. My stomach had turned and then I cried, not in grief for the girlfriend I had just lost but in sadness for my daughter. I had to hand it to my friends though, they knew how to calm me down and make me relax. For about half an hour, I just lay in the bathtub just drifting in and out of my mind, occasionally singing along to the lyrics that were playing through the speakers. Instead of worrying about Bella, I started thinking towards the future, being able to sing to her properly and play a song for her on my guitar. To when she’d be old enough to come and see me perform with the band, to taking her for ice-cream, to her first words, to her first steps. It was these things that excited me and made me positive for the future. Isabella was a fighter and she would be out of hospital before I knew it and once she did, I was not going to miss any important milestone she reached. I wouldn’t be able to do it if I was sick, now I needed to start taking care of myself. I was blessed to have the support network that I had.

I took a little extra time to dry my hair, knowing I’d only get sick if I even attempted to go outside with wet hair. I dressed in sweats and a hoodie before going back downstairs to the guys. As soon as I got to the bottom of the stairs, the smell of lasagne hit me and it made me realise just how hungry I was. I found the guys in the kitchen and I was handed a Mocha Frap from Starbucks.

“Someone couldn’t pass a Starbuck without stopping,” Jack commented and I knew it was Rian he was talking about “We had to stop and pick “Alex” up some!”

I laughed as Rian went to direct a playful slap at Jack’s head and ordered him to keep putting away groceries.

“Guys, stop what you’re doing for one minute please?” I asked getting the attention of the three men in my kitchen “I just want you to know that even though I complain about it at times and I mightn’t show it all the time, I am truly grateful for everything you’re doing for me. I love all three of you and I’m sorry if you felt like I took your help for granted. I know you’re only trying to help and I realise that I need to start focusing more on the positives rather than the negatives and look forward to the future with my baby girl.”

“We never felt like you took us for granted Bro,” Zack added as all four of us hugged it out “We understand you’ve been to hell and back in the last five weeks but Bella is a little fighter and she’s going to be home before you know it. We love you too!”

***

The support that had poured in from our fans had been massively overwhelming! My twitter was bombarded with replies from people, congratulating me, wishing Bella a quick recovery and commenting on how cute she was. What touched me even more was the stories that some of them told about them or their siblings being premature babies. They often mailed me their stories and it was amazing to see the difference in the before and after photos. Their stories inspired me and I made sure to reply back to those who’d spent the time to tell me their stories when I had a chance.

Bella, or my Bumblebee as I liked to call her, was growing bigger and bigger every single day. It was hard to look at the photo of her the night she was born and see just how far she’d come. While she was still smaller than most newborn babies, and the newborn sized clothing was still massive for her, she was a far sight better than the night she’d been born. Her due date had passed a week ago and she was ten weeks old now. She was getting a check up to determine whether or not I would be able to bring her home this week or whether or not she would be kept in for longer.

During my time on the NICU with Bella, I’d actually become friends with the other two sets of parents that had been on the ward. At first, they looked at me wearily from across the room. I wasn’t exactly what you’d call a conventional parent. I was a 20 year old guy who wore skinny jeans had tattoos and had friends who were just like me. Maria, one of the mothers whose daughter, Meaghan, had been born a few days before Bella approached me after a few days on the ward, commenting on how cute she was and what I’d decided on calling her. She started talking to me and telling me about her baby and her husband had joined in on the conversation a little bit after that. They’d been married for ten years and had been trying for a second baby for the past two. Meaghan was their miracle baby after three failed pregnancies. She’d been born 5 weeks premature and they already had a son who was five. They were full of advice for me, especially when they found out that Bella’s mom had died and that I would be raising her on my own. They were actually really friendly. I think my mom really enjoyed talking to them too. When Meaghan left the ward, Maria had given me her email address and her phone number and told me that I could contact her if I ever had any questions or problems.

Anna had confirmed that it was common for parents of preemie babies to bond during their time spent here because we all knew what the other was going through. Anna and Josh were a younger couple in their late 20’s who arrived on the ward with their son Peyton, the day that Meaghan left. He was born 5 weeks premature and he was actually the same gestational age as Bella. Despite the fact she’d already been born four weeks previous and she looked smaller than him. Peyton had been a twin but the second baby hadn’t developed properly and had been stillborn. They were devastated at the prospect of losing him too but then they heard Bella’s story. They couldn’t believe how far she’d come so far in 4 short weeks and it made them optimistic that their son would be ok. To be honest, I didn’t really like the way they were using the fact that my daughter was sicker than their son as a way to make themselves feel better but I guess it was their way of coping. Josh turned out to be pretty cool though. He was easy-going and good to chat to. It was nice having another male in this severely female dominated environment. He actually worked in the local music venue and had known All Time Low when I’d talked about the band and my job.

Now that people knew I was a dad, I was able to post little updates about Bella every few days. Every single day, the majority of both mine and the guys’ @replies were asking about how she was today. I was a proud daddy so I was tweeting about everything that happened, like the time she got taken off oxygen or when she drank 2oz of formula in one feeding. She’d only been born weighing 2lb so for her to drink that much was an achievement in my eyes. I was taking photos of everything. I wanted her to be able to look back and see just how far she’d come when she was older.

Right now, Bella was being wheeled back in after a routine scan to check that everything was ok on the inside. She was fast asleep when they wheeled her back over to me.

“I’ve got some news for you Mr. Gaskarth,” Dr. Hayes the consultant paediatrician announced as he took a seat beside me “We’ve run a thorough group of tests on Isabella and I’m happy to report that everything is as it should be in a newborn baby. She is progressing well, although she may be a little slower to grow but we are very pleased with her progress and you should be too. Now, she’s been with us for over eleven weeks and I’m happy to say that she won’t be spending a twelfth week with us. Provided nothing happens in the next few hours to set her back, you will be leaving the hospital with your baby tomorrow morning!”

Those words were like music to my ears, and I could feel tears welling up in my eyes.

“Thank you so much Dr Hayes,” I replied, shaking his out-stretched hand “You have no idea how great this news is to me. Thank you for all the work you’ve done!”

It was only when he mentioned the fact that it would be great to have her home for Christmas that it dawned on me, Bella would be coming home on my birthday. I was turning 21 tomorrow and bringing my baby home from hospital. It would be the best birthday present ever! I quickly text the guys and my parents letting them know the brilliant news. Jack appeared on the ward a few minutes later, his face ecstatic.

“Dude, I was just pulling up when I got your text,” he announced pulling me into the tightest hug ever “That’s the greatest news ever! You must be so proud! All Time Low are going to have our own very special Christmas present!”

We spent the next hour or so, planning out things that needed to be done. I needed to get presents for Anna and Casey for taking such good care of her. Her nursery had already been set up and had been waiting for her to be able to use it. Her baby basket had been set up in my bedroom and her car seat was in my car. I was an excited mess! I wanted everything to be perfect. I couldn’t stop looking at the bundle in my arms and the more I did the more excited I got about being able to take her home.

Jack left after an hour or so saying he’d look after the presents and he’d get us coffee too.

“So, I hear you got some brilliant news,” Anna said, her face breaking into a massive grin “Congratulations Alex. I told you she’d be a fighter and now look at her.”

“I still can’t believe it,” I admitted “I’m so glad that tomorrow is actually happening and I couldn’t have asked for better timing. I get to bring her home on my birthday! It will be the best present anyone could ever give me and she’ll be home before Christmas!”

Anna fussed over the two of us, commenting that at 21 I would only still be a baby myself but that she knew I was going to be a good dad. Then, she announced that it was time to learn how to bath her correctly and she was going to show me a few other things that I’d need to know before having her at home. In a way, bringing her home was going to be scary, if anything was to happen we wouldn’t have a pile of Doctors and nurses right there. These fears were overpowered by the overwhelming happiness bringing her home was going to give. I wasn’t half as reluctant to leave her that night as I usually was because I knew that tomorrow she’d be coming home with me. My parents and the band were all waiting for me at home with dinner to celebrate the news. Jack had won the argument to be the one to take her home with me. To be honest, Rian and Zack didn’t really put up too much of a fight. They knew it meant more than anything to Jack. He was besotted with Bella and treated her like she was his own. Rian had been the one that encourage me to ask Jack to be her God-father too. I had already had him in my mind, but I didn’t want to risk offending everyone else thought. They agreed that Jack was the best choice and I was going to ask him when she was home tomorrow.

I slept well that night. I think I just wanted to get to sleep so it could be tomorrow already. I really felt like a child at Christmas. Jack woke me up at 10am the next morning he was clearly just as excited as I was. He gave me time to shower and get dressed and make sure I had everything I would need for Bella. I would be coming straight home from the hospital so I wouldn’t need too much but I made some water for her bottles that I would need later. When we arrived at the hospital, she was asleep and looked so peaceful. Anna and Casey were both there today and I was able to give them their flowers and presents that Jack had picked up for them as well as the Thank You cards which I’d wrote the night before. It was so weird to sign it as Alex and Bella. When she woke up, I fed her for one last time in the hospital before it was time to change her diaper and get her ready. Jack offered to do the diaper change, claiming he’d need the practise for the future. When he was done, I put a fresh onesie on her before putting on the furry bear onesie over it. It was so cute and when you put the hood up it had ears. I took a picture of her, choosing to share it with the fans as I uploaded it to twitter.

@AlexAllTimeLow: Look how cute my little munchkin looks as a bear!

Then Anna came over with a camera so she could get a photo with me and Bella. They took photos of all their preemies when they left and it was put on the wall along with a photo of when they were born. I stood holding Bella in my arms while Anna and Casey stood on either side of me as Jack took the photo first on their camera and then on my phone.

Then it was time for us to leave, it was such a happy moment. Anna and Casey hugged me one last time, kissing Bella as they made me promise to call in with her so they could see how she was doing as she got older. Before we left, they told me they had one last surprise and they gave me a cupcake with one candle lit for my birthday, claiming it was a present from Bella. Jack was being his usual snap happy self as he took a photo of me blowing out the candle. My daughter was definitely going to have no trouble finding baby photos of her that was for sure. I strapped Bella into her car seat as Jack offered to drive so I could sit in the back of the car with her. I took him up on his offer as he pulled away from the hospital driving as careful as he’d ever driven.

“Look babygirl, you’re coming home with daddy,” I cooed at her “You get to see your real house and daddy can’t wait for everyone to meet you!”

When we pulled up outside the house, I saw that there were balloons streaming from the pillars alongside the Christmas decorations we’d hung outside. I walked inside to find a group of people waiting to greet us. There were two banners hanging in the hallway, one which read: Welcome Home Bella and the other which said Happy Birthday.

I looked around the room seeing my parents, Rian, Zack, Danny, Flyzik, Colussy and Cass who was Rian’s girlfriend and Britt, Zack’s girlfriend. They all peeked expectantly into the carrier in my hands, trying to get a glimpse at Bella before they hugged me wishing me a happy birthday. My mom informed me that they’d all come for a Birthday lunch slash Welcome Home party and that the other band parents would be calling around later in the evening if we felt up to visitors. Seeing everyone in the house at once just reinforced the idea that All Time Low was really one big family and I wouldn’t be short of moral support. It was reassuring. Jack had already told me that he was staying so we could split the middle of the night feeds and other Bella duties, which was extremely sweet. There was a reason he was my best friend!

Bella was content to be passed from person to person and she also didn’t seem to notice the amount of pictures being taken. Everyone had brought her lots of presents. She was already a very spoiled baby. Flyzik had been the one to give her first Mickey Mouse and also a Mickey and Minnie comforter. If he got his way, my daughter would be Mickey mouse obsessed. She was going to be a Disney kid that much was for sure. We all sat down for lunch and I made sure that Bella was right beside me while I ate. I still wasn’t used to having her here with me -it was still a novelty for me. The guys left at about 4pm and the parents weren’t coming over until 6pm or so.

Everyone had left with the exception of Jack who was sitting down beside me flicking through the TV channels. The smile hadn’t left his face since I’d asked him to be God-Father a few hours ago. I think he got a little choked up when he was asked. While the house was quiet and Bella was asleep I decided to write a blog post to update fans. I knew I probably wouldn’t have a chance to do it for a while.

Hi guys, Alex here! I haven’t used this is a while but I figured I owed you all a proper update as opposed to a tweet! What I need to say will take way more than 140 characters!

Firstly, thank you so much to everyone for their Birthday wishes! To those who were wondering I am having an amazing day so far and it’s been my best birthday yet!

Thank you for all your messages about Bella too. The support and love you’ve shown over the past few weeks has been unbelievable! I’ve read every single one of your messages and tweets and while I couldn’t respond to every single one I want you to know that I appreciated every single kind word you’ve said about her. I might be a little biased when I agree with you, but she is a cute baby! I’m going to save some of the messages so that I’ll be able to show her just how loved she was when she was born. That’ll be something cool to look back on when she’s 13, right?

Today was made even more special by the fact I got the best present I could ever imagine. I got to take Bella home from the hospital. As I write this, she is currently beside me, fast asleep in her Uncle Jack’s arms. I can already tell she’s going to be a spoiled baby. Who needs to sleep in a crib when you have plenty of people who are more than willing to hold you instead? I think Jack’s in love with her, we all are in love with her, and we keep looking at her as if she’s going to disappear any minute now. It feels good to have her home!

I couldn’t write about Bella coming home, without mentioning the two nurses that made it all possible. Here is a photo of Bella and I with Anna and Casey. These two women were her personal nurses whose only responsibility was to look after Bella. They were with her the night she was born until she left this afternoon and between the two of them, they worked in shifts to make sure that one of them was constantly by her side. I can’t put into word just how grateful I am to not only them but all of the Doctors and Nurses in Baltimore Children’s Hospital. They are all saints. They made sure that Bella got the best care she could possibly have and every single child is treated like their main priority. Their Premature Baby Unit is top-class and I will be eternally grateful to them for helping my little girl pull through. I still can’t believe how far she’s come in the past eleven weeks.

I’ve been very lucky to have the support that I’ve had and Rian, Zack and Jack have been amazing! They were the ones who made me function properly for the last ten weeks, making me eat and get enough sleep. They haven’t left my side since Bella was born. Jack even changed a dirty diaper today! Speaking of the band, I want to assure you that we will still be going ahead with recording our new record. I’ve been really inspired lately and the lyrics have been spilling from my head. Between the songs I wrote while on tour and the new lyrics I’ve wrote we nearly have an albums worth of material. I’m excited to share this new music with you. I can’t say for definite when we will begin to make the lyrics into songs because Bella still needs a lot of attention but it will be sooner rather than later I promise.

To those who had their concerts cancelled, we hope to be able to release dates in the New Year for replacement concerts. Your old tickets will still be valid.

That’s all for now, a certain little lady will be waking up soon looking to be fed! I hope you all have a very happy holidays and an even better New Year, I know I will. I feel as if all my Christmas’ have come at once, and at that they’re early too! I couldn’t ask for a better present! Once again thank you for all the support and love you’ve sent my way! I love each and every one of you beautiful people!

-AWG and of course Bella too :)

I pressed post on the entry and linked it in my twitter too. I had just put away my computer when Bella woke up. She wasn’t a very loud crier and we had to be very careful not to startle her with loud noises. She wasn’t used to being out of the hospital just yet. One thing I had noticed though is that she didn’t need silence to fall asleep. I think it was to do with the fact she’d been surrounded by machines in the hospital. I’d just started to feed her bottle to her when the doorbell rang. Jack offered to get it for me while I fed Bella. His facial expression had me confused when he returned.

“There’s umm someone here to see you,” he announced, wringing his hands nervously “I wasn’t sure what to do so I told them to come in. I’m sorry if you don’t want to see them.”

He stepped aside to reveal two people I hadn’t expected, Emily and Paul, Willow’s parents. I had mixed feelings about seeing them and I hadn’t seen them since Willow had been born. They’d arrived to see her a few days after she’d been born and to tell me about Willow’s funeral arrangements. I hadn’t gone; I had chosen to spend the time with Bella instead of going because I was still so angry at what she’d done. I know they’d been to the hospital to try and see Bella and they’d seen her through the window but they hadn’t met her face to face yet.

“We aren’t here to cause trouble,” Paul said softly “We just wanted to meet our Granddaughter. Please allow us just that,”

I nodded reluctantly, motioning for them to take a seat beside me. Jack offered them some tea which they accepted heading towards the kitchen to give us some space while he made it.

“She’s beautiful,” Emily gasped peeking into my arms, watching in awe as Bella drank her bottle. “She’s so small. Isabella is a beautiful name Alex.”

In a way, I felt bad for them. After all, they had lost a daughter but at the same time I still couldn’t forgive their daughter for what she’d done. I know she was sick and that it was her mind causing her to feel the way she did but she still could have gotten help. They might have been able to spot the signs had they paid closer attention to their daughter.

“Thank you,” I replied, feeling awkward and unsure about what I was expected to say “You can hold her once I’ve finished feeding her if you’d like. She’s still a little confused about where she is and not used to being out of the hospital yet.”

Bella drank for another little while before deciding she’d had enough. Jack returned carrying a tray of tea and some birthday cake too. I cleaned Bella up a little wiping the milk dribbles from her face as she closed her eyes contently. Anna and Casey had told me she’d sleep for the majority of her first few while at home, only waking up to be fed and changed.

“She’s so small,” Emily commented as she cradled Bella in her arms “She’s gotten so big compared to when she was born though.”

“Alex, we want you to know how sorry we are,” Paul announced, breaking the pattern of awkward small talk that we had settled into “If we had any idea that she was going to do, we would have tried to do something. She cut us off though she refused to talk to us, to see us. She thought we were angry at her for getting pregnant so young. We weren’t though -we were excited about becoming Grandparents. We offered to help her go out and buy stuff for the baby when we realised that you didn’t have anything bought. We told her that you both needed to get ready and get everything sorted because this baby was coming soon!”

Maybe they had cared about her more than I had previously given them credit for.

“That wasn’t my fault,” I replied, trying not to sound defensive but at the same time wanting to defend myself. The last thing I wanted right now was an argument “I gave her the money to go and buy the baby things. I thought she’d prefer to pick things out instead of me or my mom doing it. She lied to me and told me that she had everything bought. I came home from tour for a few days, excited to start putting together everything for the nursery and there was nothing bought. My mom and I had to go out and try and get the essentials while I was home. She told me she was tired and I wanted to believe her. Why didn’t you come to me and let me know she was cutting you out? She told me you refused to speak to her. I tried calling, you never picked up. You had my number- I could have maybe tried to do something.”

I felt Jack’s hand on my arm as he tried to stop me from getting worked up.

“Alex, you need to stop thinking of the maybe’s and what ifs?” he reminded me “No-one could have done anything to prevent this. She was sick. She had everyone deceived!”

“She told us that you were the one who didn’t want us to us to be a part of the baby’s life. We didn’t want to cause her any un-necessary stress so we just took her word. We didn’t answer your call because we thought you were calling to tell us to stop contacting her. We thought if we talked to you while you were angry it would cause an argument and we didn’t want to ruin any chances of seeing our grandchild after it was born. Jack’s right though, she had everyone deceived. We’ve brought some gifts for her, would it be ok if I bring them in?”

Everything was starting to fall into place now and thinking about it made my stomach sick, she’d deceived us all from the start and made it seem like she’d planned this more than I’d thought. I told Paul of course he could bring the gifts in and he disappeared for a moment and returned his arms laden with presents for her.

“We’re not sure how they’ll fit her right now,” Emily announced nervously fiddling with the dress she held in her hands “We had them bought before everything happened.”

“It’s beautiful,” I replied looking at the tiny dress with matching headband and tights. “I’m sure she’ll grow into it in no time. Oh wow! Are they converse?”

Paul proudly passed the box across to me so I could examine the tiny pink booties. They were still too big for her but they would be massively adorable on her when she got the chance to wear them.

“We figured she could wear them like her daddy,” Paul added as I took the tiny shoes in my hand. “They were too cute just to leave!”

Emily and Paul stayed for a little bit longer before asking would it be ok if they came and visited again before Christmas. I agreed to let them have regular visits, it was the least I could do. I was very quick to stress that I would be the one taking care of Bella and I wouldn’t be giving that right to anyone else including them. I would make it work around my career. I was determined to!

***

Even though her cries were still very quiet, I still jumped awake at the sound of Bella crying in the middle of the night. I groaned quietly when I realised it was 4am, I’d only fed her 2 hours ago. This had been her routine for the last week since she’d been home. She would sleep for maybe 2 to 4 hours and then wake up demanding to be fed and changed before falling back asleep and starting the routine again.

“It’s ok Lex I got her,” Jack said from the spot where he’d fallen asleep beside me. He’d practically lived here for the past week, offering to help me with Bella and the middle of the night feeds. He was being a star! We took it in turns to get up and feed her. I’d be lost without him. He walked over to where Bella’s bassinet stood and scooped her up, his touch stopping her crying “Hello pretty girl. Are you hungry again, huh?”

He cradled her in his arms as he came back to the other side of the bed, sitting under the covers as he took put a bib on her. I rolled over on the pillows to get a glimpse of my daughter as she guzzled up the milk. Jack looked seriously cute holding her as he cooed away at her. I took my phone from the bedside table, not being able to resist the opportunity to capture the simply adorable moment. I snapped a picture of the two of them, uploading it to Instagram along with the tweet:

@AlexAllTimeLow: My best friend is better than yours! @JackAllTimeLow got up at 4am to feed Bella so I could get some rest! He’s the best!

“You’re going to drive the fan girls mad,” Jack commented as he burped Bella “A picture of Bella and a picture of me feeding her in your bed. Yep, they’re really going to push the whole we’re in a relationship idea now. Who cares though? It’s a seriously cute photo! Now, go get some sleep. I’m going to change her and then put her to bed.”

I lay back in bed, trying to close my eyes and get some rest but not really being able to settle properly, despite my heavy sleepy eyes. Jack climbed into bed beside me and I scooted closer to him, craving the comfort of my best friend. He let me pull him closer, knowing that I liked to cuddle when I was sleepy. It was a well known fact that I couldn’t share a bed with anyone without ending up cuddling next to them at some stage in the night.

“Alex, will you sing something for me?” Jack asked softly as he nestled his head against my chest “I always sleep better when you sing to me.”

I nodded knowing that saying no was never going to be an option, not when Jack was involved. Besides, I owed him way too much and singing to him was the least I could do.

“This one’s a new one I’ve been trying to work out. It’s not finished yet but I like what I have so far,” I admitted as I took a deep breath and began singing “Manage me, I’m a mess. Turn a page I’m a book, half unread. I wanna to be laughed at, laughed with, just because. I wanna feel weightless and that should be enough. But I’m stuck in this fucking rut, waiting on a second-hand pick me up and, I’m over getting older. If I could just find the time, I would never let another day go by. I’m over getting old. And maybe it’s not my weekend, but it’s going to be my year. I’m so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere. This is my reaction to everything I fear ‘cause I’ve been going crazy I don’t want to waste another minute here.”

I stopped after that first chorus, becoming too overcome with tiredness to want to continue. I hadn’t figured out a lot of the song except for a few more little bits in the middle. It was still most definitely, a work in progress but it had lots of potential. When I slept, I dreamed of being back on stage, performing to a packed out room.

Jack and Zack stood on either side of me and Rian was behind me, looking over everything from behind his drum-kit. We launched into “Dear Maria” and as I looked over to Jack, I noticed a small girl, no older than 2 standing on the side of the stage, smiling widely and waving over at me. She had brown hair which was tied in little pig tails and she had my eyes. When the song finished and I walked back stage, handing my guitar to Danny, she ran over to me and gave me a massive hug.

“Daddy...up daddy,” she said holding her arms out to me signalling that she wanted to be picked up. I picked her up easily, kissing her cheek as she cuddled into my neck” I wuv you daddy!”
“I love you too Bumblebee!”

I woke up with a massive smile on my face, Jack curled up beside me. The first thing I became aware of was how bright it was and when I looked at my phone and saw it was 11am, I jumped out of bed, waking Jack in the process as I got out of bed, rushing over to Bella’s bassinet. She should have been awake by now. It was then I noticed the sticky note that had been stuck beside me. It was a note from Rian saying that he and Cass had Bella downstairs. I breathed a sigh of relief as Jack rubbed his eyes.

“Where’s Bella?” he asked when he became aware of how late it was “Is she ok?”

“It’s ok she’s downstairs with Rian and Cass,” I answered, reassuring the raven haired guitarist who was just as worried as I was. Once my heart rate returned to normal, I grabbed a hoodie from the dresser pulling it on “I’m going to go and check on her. Waking up and realising how late it was gave me a mini- heart attack.”

“You and me both bro,” Jack agreed stretching his arms as he got out of bed “I can’t believe we slept for so long!”

Downstairs, I found Cass in the kitchen making some breakfast, she pointed me in the direction of Rian, telling me they were having a seriously cute moment. She wasn’t lying. I found them on the sofa, Rian holding her protectively in his arms as he held up his i-Pad. There was an acoustic version of Jasey Rae playing softly as he talked away to my daughter. I motioned for Jack to come and look at this while we both stood silently in the doorway.

“Look Izzy, that’s your daddy and the band. We play music for a living and you’ll get to see that very soon,” he cooed “This is one of his songs. Do you like that? I think you do, I’m pretty sure you just smiled. Cass will probably tell me it’s just gas but I’m going to go with a smile. You like listening to your daddy singing don’t you? You’re going to be a very lucky girl because you’ll have a daddy who’s going to be able to sing you the best lullabies ever. Then, when you get older, you can sing with him too, and I’ll teach you how to drum or your Uncle Jack will teach you how to play guitar. People joke and say that he can’t really play his guitar, but he can. He’s really good and I know he’d drop everything just to be able to teach you how to play. He’ll probably argue with Zack about who gets to teach you, I think he’ll win though. You are always going to have so many loving people in your life Izzy. We’re never going to leave you!”

I liked to consider myself to be capable of keeping my emotions in check, but when it came to my daughter all of that went out the window. I could practically feel myself tearing up as I turned away from the doorway and walked back into the kitchen. Their moment was too precious to disturb but that speech that he’d given had really touched me. I couldn’t believe just how much my friends were willing to practically accept my daughter as their own. I was glad that instead of missing out on things because she only had one parent, she was going to gain so much more from her three uncles, than any child ever would. She would also have plenty of female guidance in her life too, so I’d never need to worry about that.

“What’s up Alex?” Cass asked when she saw us re-enter the kitchen. She immediately came over to me, pulling me into his arms “Why are you crying darling? Did Rian say something to you?”

“You have the sweetest boyfriend ever Cassadee,” I replied as I hugged her close to me “I’m so lucky to have all of you around me and so willing to be a part of my daughter’s life. When did Rian get so sentimental?”

“You should have seen him Cass,” Jack added “He’s playing Jasey for her and showing her photos of us.”

“He’s been like that all morning, he woke up at like 7am and the first thing he did was go to check on her. When he saw that the two of you were still fast asleep he took her out and let her finish sleeping in his arms. She woke up about half an hour later and he fed her and changed her. He was like a kid at Christmas waiting for her to wake up again. I think he sat in front of the Christmas tree for a good half an hour just watching the lights twinkle with her.”

She then advised me to take advantage of the free time and sit down while she fed us all. She’d made pancakes and bacon and eggs for breakfast. When Cass called Rian to come and eat, he reluctantly handed Bella over to me so I could cuddle my baby girl for a minute before setting her into her stroller to continue sleeping. Today, I was planning on taking Bella out for the first time so we could all go and do some Christmas shopping. There were only a few days left before the big day and I wanted to make sure I had everything I needed. Tomorrow was Rian’s birthday and I had already been told that I was going out to celebrate it with him. My parents were taking Bella and I wasn’t allowed to back out. The thought of leaving her made me a little anxious but it had always been a tradition that Rian and I would celebrate both of our birthdays on his and have a massive party.

***

For such a small little baby, Bella sure needed a pile of things before I could even contemplate leaving the house. I had double checked that her diaper bag had enough diapers, changing supplies, bottles, bibs and spare clothes just in case. Her buggy had been loaded up into the trunk of my car and I knew how to put it up and take it down. I did not want to get caught out not being able to put it together when we were in the middle of a parking lot. I’d been so preoccupied with Bella that I’d a lot of catching up to do when it came to presents. People kept telling me that they weren’t expecting anything but I wasn’t going to show up on Christmas day empty handed. I was looking forward to seeing my sisters - well they were my half sisters, who were coming over to visit with their families for Christmas. I hadn’t seen them all together in a few years but I’d visited Jillian one of my sisters the last time the band had played a small show in London. They were looking forward to meeting their niece.

Jack and Rian rode in the car with me while Cass had things she needed to do on her own so she was just taking Rian’s car instead. When we got to town, the parking lot was pretty packed but Rian pointed out a mother and baby spot closer to the front. I hadn’t really thought about the fact I’d be able to use them now.

“Jeez, that’s a bit sexist isn’t?” Jack commented, looking up at the sign as I parked my Range Rover into the larger parking spot with ease “I mean, you’d think that they’d have just called them parent and baby spots instead? Oh well, we aren’t complaining about being closer to the stores are we Miss Bella?”

I made Rian and Jack go ahead into the store before me. This was something I needed to get used to doing on my own. I wouldn’t always have them two of them on standby to help me get the buggy set up and get Bella in and out of the car every single time I was with her. It took me a few minutes but I eventually had it all set up so I could clip Bella’s carry seat onto the top of her buggy clipping it in place. I fixed the foot muff over her feet and pulled the hood of the buggy over the top of the seat.

“Now, that wasn’t too hard,” I said to myself more than anyone as I locked the car and hung her bag from the handles of the buggy. “Are you ready to come help daddy do some Christmas shopping baby girl?”

Bella just stared up at me, her bluish grey eyes big and wide as she looked up at the lights around her. Willow had blue eyes and I had brown so it was still a waiting game to see whose eyes Bella would inherit. They should begin to change in the next few weeks or so. I met Jack and Rian just inside the main doors. We all had things that we needed to do so, we agreed to split up and meet in Starbucks when it was time for Bella’s next feeding which would be in another 2 hours or so. I was glad they were giving me the chance just to get used to looking after her on my own, but also making it so that if I did need them, they wouldn’t be too far away. Even though Bella was nearly 3 months old, her “corrected age”-how old she should be if she was born full term, was only 1-2 weeks old. She liked being wheeled around in her stroller and she was quickly fast asleep. It was weird walking around with a stroller and it took a little bit more effort getting in and around shops that it normally would. People seemed to be fairly considerate when they saw that I had a buggy which was always a good thing. My first stop was to pick up some presents for my parents for Christmas. I knew that my mom was looking for a scarf from one of the shops here, so I bought that for her so Bella could give it to her. I also got my dad some DVD’s that he’s been looking for. Jack had already collected the camera I was buying them as their main present and it was at home, waiting to be wrapped. I was in the record store trying to pick out some CD’s that I knew Rian had been looking for so I could give them to him for his birthday, when I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. I turned around to find a girl who worked there standing behind me, she was no older than 17, and looked a little embarrassed to have come up to me.

“I’m really sorry to interrupt you,” she started, stuttering a little as her cheeks tinged pink “It’s just I’m a massive fan of your band and I was wondering could I get your autograph and a photo. I understand if you don’t want to, you must be busy enough with your daughter. Congratulations by the way, I saw the photos you posted on Twitter, she’s really cute. I hope she’s still doing good. ”

“Thank you, what’s your name?” I asked, smiling warmly trying to put her at ease. She was nervous and seemed to be a nice girl. For one, she hadn’t freaked out which usually ended up freaking me out. She told me her name was Kayla. “You don’t need to apologise for interrupting me Kayla. I would do the same if I saw someone whose band I was a fan of. You can most definitely have a photo. Bella is doing really well, you can see for yourself if you’d like. She’s asleep right now, but that’s all she really does anyway. The guys joke and say that she gets that from me!”

I pulled back the hood a little letting Kayla peak in at Bella, who was wrapped in a bundle of blankets.

“She’s so small,” Kayla gasped, turning to me “She’s so adorable though. I’d say you are glad to have her home. It’s a really cool thing the way you are posting updates on twitter about it. It’s nice that you like to keep the fans in the loop of what’s going on in your life,”

“Well, it’s always been what the bands about,” I admitted “Our fans are the reason we are where we are. All Time Low really is one big family and I guess we owed them an explanation about why we just dropped off the face of the earth. One minute, we were in the middle of a show and I just walked off stage. There was no explanation or nothing. Jack and I completely blanked fans when we left the venue to drive to the hospital. Then aside from a few vague, cryptic tweets, no one heard of us. There was nothing said to anyone. I was just absorbed in my own little bubble of making sure she was going to be ok. She was only a 2lb in weight and that was considered very low for someone her age so she had a lot to overcome. I think people deserved some explanation about what had happened. Plus, I’m a proud daddy, she’s my world. I want to be able to share her cute moments with people. The support that people gave after she was born was amazing. They sent me some truly inspirational stories. The way I see it, if I post photo’s of her on my twitter, I can control what pictures of her go on-line and it stops people trying to get sneaky photos of her while I’m out with her. I’m sorry, here I am jabbering on and on about her and you’re probably bored stiff and just want to get back to work. I need to work on not gushing about her whenever someone brings her up. It’s still all new to me. Especially since this is the first time I’ve left the house with her.”

Kayla was quick to reassure me that she didn’t mind. She said it was sweet to see me talk about her. She was glad that Bella was doing so well and I had a right to brag about her. I signed an autograph for her and took the photo with her before she offered to ring up my items herself, so I could be on my way.

About an hour later, I had most of the things I needed bought and I was meeting Jack and Rian in Starbucks. The noise of the place startled Bella at first but as soon as she was in my arms and heard my voice, she started to calm down a little.

***

“Dude, if we don’t leave now we’re going to be late,” Rian warned, standing by the doorway as I held Bella in my arms. “We’ll back before you know it Bro!”

I kissed Bella goodbye, my smile growing as she smiled at me, before I handed her to my mum. Bella was 5 months old and the band and I were expected to go and meet with our Record label and discuss what needed to be done as regards recording and making up our missed tour dates. We would also be discussing the tour to promote our as of yet, un-recorded third album. It was a really important meeting. The 2 months that I had Bella home had flown and I was blessed by the fact she was a pretty good baby. She had her moments, this morning being one of them. She woke up at 4.30am and just cried and fussed for four hours straight. She didn’t want to settle down for me and only seemed content when she was in my arms. One thing I had discovered was that she did like the sound of my voice, and singing to her kept her a little calmer. I was exhausted though

I knew one of the big things that would be brought up at this meeting was what I planned to do with Bella while we were on tour. We were a band, we couldn’t exist without touring. The solution had actually been handed to me on a plate. My cousin Megan had visited over the Christmas and she had told me how she was planning on travelling once she finished Uni this year. Her mom, my aunt, had asked me if she could stay with me when she first moved over so she could get settled in and find her feet. Mom had brought up touring and Megan had offered to come on tour and look after Bella, if that’s what I chose to do.

We met Zack and Jack at the office and we were sent straight to the boardroom to meet with the label and management. We had a lot to go through and it took a few hours but we managed to get it sorted. By the time we’d left, we had the re-scheduled dates and some acoustic performances and signings we were expected to do between now and then too. We were scheduled to go into the studio in a few weeks time and have a quick recording session and possible release the album before summer ended. If things went to plan, I would be back on tour before Bella’s first birthday

Surprisingly, or not surprisingly, the label were extremely understanding of the situation I found myself in and were eager to give me as much time as I needed to get back into the studio and raise my daughter at the same time. It was all falling into place! They fully backed and agreed with my idea to bring Megan on tour with us to look after Bella and assured me that getting an extra bus wouldn’t be any problem whatsoever. While I know that if it came to it, my parents would be more than glad to look after Bella while we toured, I don’t think I could do it. I was way too in love with my baby girl that the thoughts of leaving her so I could tour terrified me. I wouldn’t be able to do it and I think that even if Willow hadn’t done what she’d done, I would feel the same way. Bella was my world and I’d do anything I possibly could to keep us together. Plus, if I didn’t go into withdrawals from having my daughter with me I’m pretty sure Jack, Rian and Zack would. They were fascinated by her and they were already wrapped around her little finger. It was undeniable that Bella would be a charmer, a trait she had most definitely gotten from me.

When we left the meeting, Jack and Zack both announced that they were coming over to mine. They claimed we should have a band dinner to celebrate sorting everything out but I knew the real reason, they just wanted to see Bella. I was completely ok with that. They had welcomed my daughter into their lives so openly and treated her as if she was one of their own daughters. I hoped that growing up without a mother wouldn’t affect my daughter too much but, in the event it did she would have plenty of substitutes and not to mention, three uncles who I knew would be more like father’s to her. They weren’t joking when they called Bella “All Time Low’s” baby.

***

Things weren’t easy but somehow they worked. It took a bit of time to smooth out the rough edges but once that had been done, it was easy to fall into a comfortable routine of touring and being a father at the same time. It had been just over three years since they first started touring and Bella had transformed from a tiny baby into a fully healthy four year old full of energy! She developed my brown eyes and everyone told me that she had my cunning personality and my charm. As it had been when she was a baby, Bella still had her three uncles wrapped around her little finger. She managed to charm every single person she met.

There were times when I looked at her and I saw how much she looked like Willow! She had some of her features and I think there were times when those features seemed more exaggerated in my eyes! Surprisingly she never once asked why she didn’t have a mom which meant I hadn’t had to have that conversation with her. She probably thought that the way she lived was normal. I knew it was going to happen eventually and I think I could deal with it when the time came. She was only four after-all.

Our touring schedule had been spread out a little to give Bella enough time at home in Baltimore instead of being on the road all the time. At age 4, she had already been around the world several times. She loved travelling so she was easy to bring on long-haul flights. Because we spent so much time together we were extremely close and had a very tight bond.

While we were on the road, Bella, my cousin Meagan and I shared a bus. This meant that Bella had an environment that was her own where she didn’t need to worry about whether she was disturbing the other guys and I didn’t need to worry that we were affecting their touring experience. Meagan had trained as a primary school teacher back in London so she was able to help me make sure Bella wasn’t falling behind, education wise. She was still too young to start school but every little helped. Megan’s ob was essentially to look after Bella when I physically couldn’t. I tried to spend as much time with her as possible but she went off and did fun things with Megan while I had interviews, signings, performances and photo shoots. When she was able to, Bella loved being able to see All Time Low perform, she knew exactly what to say to Alex to be allowed to stand side stage or tag along to their acoustic performances. She loved being able to jump and dance along to the songs. Making Alex sing to her was also her favourite thing to do.

Today, we were a few weeks into a US tour and we’d managed to get all of our press done early this morning before spending the afternoon at a local aquarium! They were one of Bella’s favourite places to visit and the band had visited so many of them in the past few years. Now, we were back in the venue and the fact that Bella had taken an extra long nap today was showing. She was currently chasing Jack around the dressing room as they jumped from sofa to sofa.

“There is no way she’s going to be calm enough to sleep before ye go on stage,” Megan commented, looking on the situation from her spot at the door “It’s your call Alex, what do you want me to do?”

I held up a finger, signalling her to hold on a minute while it took one look at Jack to stop him from running around. He flopped back on the couch while Bella pouted at him, annoyed that he’d stopped playing.

“Bumblebee, c’mere and talk to daddy for a minute,” I called as she came over to where I was sitting, climbing onto my lap “Daddy has to go on stage in a little while, do you want to stay and watch?”

Bella nodded eagerly, her brown eyes lighting up “Can I daddy?”

“Yeah daddy, can she?” Jack asked, nudging me in the side “Can she please stay and watch?”

I knew she would fight to stay awake if she was sent back to the hotel so there was no point in making her go back. She’d be much happier if she could stay and then I could put her to bed after the show.

“Yes you can Belles but you have to wear your special earphones ok?”

She nodded in agreement while Flyzik stuck his head around the door, reminding us we had 15 minutes left until we were due on.

***

We were halfway through our set about to start playing “Time Bomb” when I glanced to my right, seeing Bella happily perched on the edge of Danny’s guitar rig and production area, her pink ear protectors blocking out all the noise from the show. Her eyes were following Jack who was standing up on the speakers about to jump off. Her mouth opened in an “Oh” shape as she tapped Danny’s shoulder pointing to Jack as he stuck the landing perfectly. I saw Jack grin at her as she clapped at him!

Her attention landed on me as she waved over at me and in that moment things were perfect. I’d managed to combine being a musician and being a father successfully. She loved being a part of the shows and Rian was always eager for her to come out and help him play drums with him during “Dear Maria” if she was sticking around for a show. It was her favourite part of the show.

I’d just thrown my guitar in the air for Flyzik to catch so he could play while I sang and Bella was now taking her spot on Rian’s lap, standing so she could reach the symbols.

“Give it up for Rian’s apprentice on the drums,” I announced and anyone who hadn’t noticed her before then did and started cheering. I jumped down from the stage as Jack and I stood at the barrier. With my mic grasped firmly in one hand I was hoisted up to stand on the barrier as fans reached out for me.

When the song ended, I climbed back on stage, seeing Bella and Jack getting ready to crash on the cymbal for the last note. Bella climbed over the kit onto the amp so she could sit on my shoulders and throw some of Rian’s drumsticks into the crowd.

“Good job Baby girl,” I commented, lifting her down from my shoulders so I could take the towel and water that Matt had waiting. “You’ll be able to play the drums in no time!”

“Eew Daddy, you stink!” Bella announced, scrunching up her face looking a lot like Willow in the process. I puckered my lips, looking for a kiss but she just giggled and pushed them away “No kisses for you!”

Insulting me was another of her favourite things to do but regardless of how “stinky” I was, she still latched onto my hand, pulling me through the corridors to get back to the dressing room.

“I love you Bumblebee!”

“I love you Daddy!”

And somehow, I couldn’t help but remember the dream I’d had all those years ago when Bella had just come home. What had once been a dream was now playing out in reality and while things hadn’t run their perfect “movie like” course, I wouldn’t have them any other way. After all, if things hadn’t played out the way they had, I wouldn’t have as strong a bond with my daughter and I wouldn’t have been able to see her as much as I did. I guess it just made me realise that things don’t always have to be perfect in the run up to making your dreams come through.