Young & Reckless

What is love?

Is it when a boy brings you flowers in the evening just because? Or maybe its when an older gentleman lays down his coat for you to sit on when the bench is wet? I wish love was when the cute boys called you ugly and the cocky jocks winked at you. But this isn’t the 1950’s. Chivalry doesn’t exist anymore.

No one really knows what love is or what the feeling holds. When you fall in love no one can assure you that it’s really and truly love. It’s a funny thing, love that is. You never really know what you’re going to get out of it. A broken heart or a married woman. I’ve come to the conclusion that love doesn’t exist and everybody just wants to be just a bunch of know it all what’s-its.

“And live while we’re young!” The tone death song ran through my ears over and over again. I wish they’d take the damn thing off repeat. I looked up at Holden as he pushed me onto the bed. Without a word I looked at him with no emotion in my eyes and my lips in a perfect straight line.

I let Holden slide off my skirt as skillfully as he plays football. Maybe this is what love was. Letting your so called best friends boyfriend fuck you. Or maybe this is just me being a bitch and a bad friend. I shouldn't let this happen, I didn't want this to happen, but Granger deserved it.

I shut my eyes tight as Holden entered me. “Let’s go crazy, crazy, crazy till we see the sun.” The one line stayed in my head forever as I let the moment pass by. I opened my eyes and looked down at my hand. On my right finger was my purity ring. Soon enough it slipped off my ring finger and fell onto the gray sheets and I’m sure were meant to be white.

Zip… I heard Holden quickly get up from the cheap bed and put on his pants. Was it over already? I took my time sitting up and putting my skirt back on. I'm going to hell for this.

“I have to tell Granger…” I heard Holden mutter over and over again from the corner of the bed. He held his head in his hands. His fingers ran through his hair as he groaned. I'd just let the only person who was ever nice to me screw over the person he loves. I hated myself for it.

I stood from the bed and made my way to where Holden was. I kneeled down in front him and took his hand. “No, I’ll tell Granger. She’s my best friend. Never the less it wasn’t your fault. She cheated on you first.”

“That doesn’t mean I should cheat on her too Anna.” Holden sighed again. He stood up and paced the ugly green carpet. Holden looked at the pictures on the wall of his best friend and him with Granger in the middle. Holden tore the picture from the wall and let it fall onto the floor. I could see the devastation set into every ounce of his body as he cried, looking at another photo.

Stepping on the photograph Holden went to the desk and cleared everything off in one motion. Holden fell to the ground and sobbed into his closed fists. Unmoving from my spot I sat on my bottom and watched him cry.

“I love her so much. And I messed everything up.” Holden cried and slammed his head on the wall behind him. Causing a few more pictures to fall from the old lose tape holding them together

That word again. Love. It was just a figment of our imagination. Granger couldn’t have loved Holden. She’s been cheating on him since the day they got together. January 25, 2012. Just a year ago. She’d never shown Holden one ounce of respect. Never did she say she loved him even though he said it after every fight and sometimes just for the heck of it.

In just those short twelve months I became more of a friend to Holden than I ever had been to Granger Jones. I’d known her since we were in diapers. We had a mutual hate that neither of us wanted to admit.

▼▲▼▲

I had woken up in sweat and fear. Not from a horrible nightmare I’ve usually had the past few nights. I woke up in a cold sweat because I came to a realization through the night that I had school the next morning. Meaning I had to socialize and go throughout the day pretending that I don’t care that I have no friends.

I rolled out of bed and carefully chose an outfit. I had to make sure I didn’t stand up Granger in the looks department, though at the same time I had to certain I didn’t look like a total slob.

Why should I care about her anyway? I’m no longer her friend. I could just tell in the air and the way we spoke to each other. She was popular and I wasn’t. I needed someone to survive. I was only human, I wanted everyone to like me, I knew everyone hated me.

I was one of those people that wouldn't talk to a single person that walked the halls of high school. I sat at lunch alone and I read books when I was finished with my tests. I watched as Nancy Garden cried everyday because her mother just committed suicide. No one knew I was there as I watched. I was lonely. Everybody needs someone sometimes.

Today was Monday and Hayden Jak’s party was Saturday. I’d never actually met Hayden Jak. I knew who he was but he’d never actually talked to me. Of course he was the most popular boy in school. Hot, sexy, jock, conceded, everything a high school boy was and wanted to be. I’d had a crush on him since Grade school. Anyhow he’s never spoken a word to me.

Whatever. This wasn’t about Hayden Jak. It was about Holden and Granger. They’d fallen apart and it was all because of me. There wasn’t one ounce of guilt in my body. It set a smile on my face just knowing that Granger would finally get the taste of medicine that she deserved.

Once I chose my outfit from my closet I closed the sliding door and made my way into the bathroom to change. I looked into my older brothers room. He was still asleep. Oh well, guess he’ll be late for school. My brother was your usual fuck up. He was planning on being a military brat, but Dad quickly erased the idea from his mind once he shoved another Bible in front his face.

I took a quick shower and put my hair into a messy bun while it was still wet, not wanting to deal with the curly frizzy mess once it was dry. Nearly tripping, I put on my bleached shorts that had thousands of holes in them. I picked up my partially damp see through top that had a withered away upside down cross. Under the shirt I quickly put on a bandeau. Finally my combat boots were on and I made my way down the stair case to greet my parents.

“Morning mom. Morning dad.” I told parents, giving each of them a kiss on the cheek. My dad nodded in reply, taking a sip of his black tasteless coffee.

“Morning darling. Did you wake your brother?” She asked. I shook my head. No. She sighed and flipped the pancakes. “His grades are dropping and so is his attendance.” His balls haven’t. “I don’t know what to do with him anymore.”

“Maybe we should send him off to California like we planned years ago.” Dad suggested, putting his morning paper down, along with his horrid coffee. Hypocrite, he wouldn't let his son serve his country but would let him go away for a year to attend Bible college.

“I don’t think God is going to help this one Dad.” I empathized the words God and Dad. I don’t think he really got it. It hated him, and his stupid beliefs. My dad was a assistant pastor at an unsuccessful church. They made it a house rule for everyone under their roof to be present for Sunday service, despise whatever they believed in.

“Annamarie! What has gotten into you? Maybe after school you should go to the pastor and pray till we get off of work.” Mother scolded at me from the kitchen. I rolled my eyes. Does she really want me there again? Last time she caught me making out with the pastors son.

“You’re right. Sorry mom. I’ll go right after school.” I snickered at her. She glared at me and slammed the pancake down on a plate for Father. I was such a disappointment to my parents. I didn't want to be, but it just came out, I had no control over my self.

“After school come straight home,” Dad told me other wise. I smiled at him and took a shiny red apple from the counter. I wonder what they'd think when they find out what I did with Holden, what I did to Granger.

“I have to go. Bye.”

“Have a blessed day at school sweet heart!” Mom yelled to me on my way out the door. She can shove that crucifix right up her hairy unholy ass. I was a walking sin.

I’ve changed so much. I hated everyone and everything. I didn’t believe in God anymore. I’m certain I’ve committed every damn sin in the Bible. Everyone saw me as the perfect angel, straight from God. In all actuality I was a devil waiting to be released at any moment.

I walked down the street on my way to hell on Earth. Also known as Golden Hills High School. Irony check, there were actual painted golden hills around the school’s perimeter. Great right? Super fucking cheesy.

Once school was in eyeshot I could see thousands of students walking around. If city council really wanted us to be intelligent then why must we wake up so early? I took a deep breath. Waiting to meet my doom. I walked across the street and up the steps to the most clichéd place in Maryland.

I made my way to my locker. Better yet, Granger was standing there holding her books and smacking on gum. I never put on a fake smile anymore. I didn't see any point in it. I opened my locker and looked at Granger.

“Hey AM.” She greeted me with our old nicknames.

“What’s up Gran.” She hated when I called her that. I loved it. I loved watching pain set into her eyes.

“I feel like doody.” She whined, facing the other way, her pony tail pressing against the lockers and looking at the passer bys.

I took my books from the locker and placed them in my unpolished man hands. I slammed the locker shut causing the rest along the wall to shake. I turned around in the same direction of Granger. Some boy passed by and gave her a look. Everyone knew the look. Everyone gave Granger the look. I’m sure they didn’t even know my name.

Granger was wearing a tight short black skirt that showed way too much that should be in violation of dress code. A off the shoulder shirt that showed way more than shoulder. Then a pair of pink pumps that I wish she would trip in but never did.

“How was your weekend?” She asked.

“Just what I wanted to talk to you about.” I muttered. Now was the time, take a deep breath Anna. Hell hath no fury, be brave. You were brave enough to actually do it.

“Oh hold up. I see my boyfriend.” She rolled her eyes and scoffed. Granger quickly put on her million dollar smile, “Holden! Babe! Over here.” She motioned to where we were standing.

I turned around and saw Holden. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days. He probably hasn’t. Granger never had any guilt, she’d slept soundly all weekend and she also cheated on Holden that weekend as well.

Holden slowly made his way to Granger, smiling with sparkles in his eyes. Was this love? No, I’m almost positive it wasn’t.

Granger greeted Holden with a passionate kiss. They were making out. She was making him believe she still loved him. No, she never loved him. She hated him. He’s going to be so heartbroken.

“I had sex with Holden Pierce.” I felt like time had stopped. Like everyone in the hall had stopped in their tracks to hear what I had to say. I turned and only a few people had heard. Including Hayden Jak. Fucking great.

Granger took a second to stop sucking face and sharing spit. “What?” She screeched then laughed. “Wow, you’re joking right?”

“No. Why would I joke about something like this? I fucked your boyfriend.” Shit, I really just said that. She’s really going to let me have it this time. I could feel my heart basically beating out of my chest.

“Granger, she’s not joking… On Saturday at Hayden’s party we were up in his room and things got carried away. I’m so sorry baby plea..”

Granger cut Holden off on his cry for help. “What the actual fuck? How could you do this to me? Why would you do this? My best friend and my boyfriend? Wow and just when I thought I’d had an amazing life. You two have to go and fuck it up!”

“Its not like you ever loved him.” I reminded her. Granger shook her head. She had no tears in her eyes. Pride filled them and she grinned.

“Annamarie you and I are no longer friends. You’re going to regret this one day. Both of you!” Granger ran away in another direction from our first hour. I looked around, without my knowledge the bell had rang and the only ones in the hall where Hayden, Holden and I.

I looked at Holden, “I’m so sorry.” I muttered, looking down at my shoes. I failed, I needed Granger gone, gone and out of my life forever. It worked. I hadn't planned on making Holden feel like utter crap.

“Don’t worry. It’s not your fault. Something like this was going to happen sooner or later. Remember she cheated on me first.” He replied with a smile. I could hear the pain in his voice. I hugged Holden and slowly made my way down the hall to my first hour, not ready to learn anything about history.

“Wow, good job bro. Fucking the hottest girl in school and the Jesus freak.”

“Fuck you Hayden.” I shouted to the cute boy standing next to the only friend I had left. And that was the first word I’d ever said to Hayden Jak.