Young & Reckless

The soft pitter patter of rain echoed in my room waking me up. I sat up in my bed groggy eyed and yawned. I looked over to my night stand where my phone stayed illuminated in the dark from the humiliating texts that were sent to me every second of the day. I turned my phone over and stood to go to the bathroom.

I didn’t want to school. Why on earth did that hellish place even exist? Just to torture me and drive me towards the end? I’ve thought several times of just not going to school and transferring to the Baptist school my parents always wanted me to go to. Then again, I had to face my tormentors.

I walked in the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror, wondering what I was going to do. I took a deep breath, then suddenly without warning I hurled my previous dinner onto the tiled floor. I stood, hunched over the puke, horrified at what just happened.

When did my stomach decide it was okay to dispose of my food this way? Obviously this was an excuse to not go to school. I sank to the floor and slowly grabbed a large towel from the cabinet and began to clean the orangey goo on the floor. Once I was done I threw the towel in a bag from the trash can and rushed down the stairs to throw away the remains.

My stomach started to grumble again. I looked in the fridge for something to subside the pain. I grabbed an apple and munched it for a while. When I was done and couldn’t eat anymore I threw the fruit away with only five bites into it.

The grumbling didn’t stop. I grabbed onto the counter, ready for yet another round of grotesque contents flowing from my stomach and out my mouth. No second to recollect, the puke flowed from my mouth and into the kitchen sink. As chunks were spilling from my mouth I turned on the water and watched as the contents went down the sink.

How could I have gotten sick already? I hadn’t been dancing out in the rain with Granger the past several days like we usually do. I didn’t sneak out with Holden like we do on Fridays. It was Monday and suddenly I was sick. Maybe it was someone at church, I told Mom I hated when they all came to give me hugs.

I put the back of my hand to my forehead. No I wasn’t warm or clamy. I didn’t have a sore throat or an aching stomach. I felt perfectly fine and yet here I was down stairs basically throwing my guts up in the kitchen sink.

I slowly sulked up the stairs and back into my bed. I reached for my phone and looked at the text messages. 73. Most from numbers I didn’t have programmed into my phonebook. Several were from Granger, telling me what a horrible friend I was. And one in particular was from the one person I hoped to never hear from again but yet I still felt the butterflies in my stomach fly when I saw his name. Hayden. I didn’t bother to read it. I discarded the message and went on to checking my Facebook and so forth.

I read each post on my wall soaking up the hate each person from my school gave me for no reason. I did one bad thing to Granger and I’m hated, she cheated on Holden for a year and she’s still praised for it.

“Pregnant ugly witch.” I read on my wall and laughed aloud. I closed the app and began to scroll through the endless voicemails. As I was doing so, one word kept ringing in my ears. Pregnant. No. Could I be? Was it even possible? I’d only had sex once. I don’t even remember if Holden had a condom on. I dropped my phone on my bed and rushed over to the calendar on my wall.

I should have had my period a week and a half ago. I was way beyond late. This can’t be. I can’t be… Pregnant?

▲▼▲▼

I knocked on the door and didn’t stop till he answered the door. Please be home, please be home. I placed the plastic grocery store bag in my other hand, full of items and knocked with my free left one. I was getting restless and I really had to pee. I stopped knocking for a second and looked behind me, maybe I should just go home and face my fears alone.

“Anna, what are you doing here?” Rang the sweet voice I hadn’t heard in over a month. I opened my mouth to reply but nothing but a slight squeak came through my vocal cords. I closed my mouth and looked up at Hayden Jak. Without a warning or the slightest hint, tears began pouring down my face.

My body shook uncontrollably and I couldn’t help the snot that ran down my nostrils and the tears that stuck to my lips. God, I knew I was ugly crier, why had I come here. Why did I need someone like Hayden Jak in my life to comfort me in the unmistakable truth?

Just then I remembered it was raining and my clothes were drenched in salty sky water. My hair was stuck to my face and I could see my heavy breathing from the light in Hayden’s house. Now wasn’t the best time to get sick, but I didn’t care. I was supposed to be mad at Hayden, yet I still didn’t care.

I heard Hayden sigh, I felt him take me in his arms and kiss the top of my head. He led me inside his home and sat me down on the couch. All his school items were spread on the table, along with a plate of pancakes and orange juice. Hayden placed a blanket around my fragile body, keeping me warm.

“What’s wrong Anna?” He finally asked once the tears subsided to sobs. My whole body shuttered when he began running his fingers through my hair and calmly rubbing my back.

“Something bad has happened and I don’t think I can do this by myself.” I whined, looking up at the ceiling and wishing that Hayden would never take his delicate fingers off the base of my neck. I bit my lip to keep myself from thinking about the boy near me.

“What do you mean something bad?” He asked, taking my shoulders and looking me in the eyes. I searched his face for concern and worry. But all I could concentrate on was his sculpted jaw line and cheek bones, his perfect lips and enchanting eyes. His soft flawless hair and great smile.

I looked down at the bag in my lap and took one of the boxes out. After I checked my calendar I put on some clothes and rushed out my house, grabbing my keys and wallet. I quickly walked down the street to the local pharmacy and the practically ran all the way over to Hayden’s house. It surprised me that the rain hadn’t slowed me down and I made it in time to Hayden’s before he left for school.

I could see that he held his breath and looked me in the eyes. I couldn’t help but feel disappointment wash over me. I looked down at the bag again and felt Hayden put his hand over my own. I bit my lip hard and tried to not cry all over again. I felt the blood from my lip seep through my teeth, I licked the metal taste and took deep breath.

“I knew someday you’d see it my way.” I watch him faintly smile and shake his head, “Go take the test. Since you did lose your virginity in my house I figure you should see if you’re pregnant here as well…” Hayden pushed me up from the couch and told me to go to the bathroom.

I had several tests in the bag and took each one out of their individual boxes. How did I possibly have enough pee for each of these? I sat on the toilet and peed on each stick, hoping that there was enough for all of them. When I was done I set each one down on the counter in a line and washed my hands.

“Hayden…” I muttered when I opened the door. Hayden was instantly there by my side and looked at the tests lined up on the counter.

“How the hell did you have enough pee for all of those?” He asked, in awe.

“I don’t even know.” I muttered and looked away at the wands and up in the mirror. I didn’t want to face reality and the truth. Even if each one turned out to be negative, just the realization that I had the pregnancy scare would be humiliation enough.

I looked at the wall clock in the bathroom. Ten more minutes and already it was 8:30 AM. “I’m sorry I kept you from school.” I muttered, not entirely trusting my voice at the moment.

“Don’t be,” He answered, “I was planning on skipping today anyway.” Hayden disregarded it with his hand and smiled. He folded his arms and I could see the muscles ripple through his shirt. “You should be the one worrying, isn’t this the first time you’ve missed a day since grade school?”

“Oh look who’s keeping a tab on my permanent record.” I rolled my eyes and folded my arms as well.

“Well I can’t help it when the very girl I’m keeping an eye on has been staring at me for the past eight years.”

“Oh so you have noticed? I thought you never would.” I said with ease, I found myself forgetting about the tests on the counter. And Granger. And the fact that I was flirting with Hayden and I lost my virginity to Holden in Hayden’s bed room. Hayden’s smirk sent butterflies soaring through my stomach.

The magic didn’t last forever, just like everything else. Nothing lasted forever. I looked up at the clock, it had been way past the time the tests were ready. I couldn’t give myself the courage to look down and find a plus sign or a negative one. No words of encouragement or bravery was needed. I knew I didn’t have it in me.

“Hayden, I can’t look.” My arms were still folded in the sarcastic flirty conversation we just had. I couldn’t bring myself to even move. I pleaded him with my eyes. He looked down the counter and sighed. I didn’t want to know what they said.

Never the less Hayden spoke the words I never wanted to hear, “Annamarie, it looks like you’re a mother.” I caught my breath and held on to the counter, almost doubling over. Hayden caught my arm and sat me on the closed toilet seat. He kneeled down and watched me, making sure I wouldn’t get sick.

I looked down at the counter and saw each test with a pink strip, positive mark, two blue lines. Yes, I was pregnant. Holden had gotten me pregnant. I could never tell him. Never tell my parents or Granger or anyone.

I can’t believe it. I’m basically a mother. A mother at sixteen at the lease. I was failure. All those teenagers in movies and shows that had slept with said boy at said party and thought they had a condom but didn’t. I was her. The girl that everyone heard about and told their children and children’s children stories about me so they wouldn’t lose it at a young age.

But I had lost it. I was still in school and only sixteen. My parents would never approve. I had nowhere to go, nowhere to run. I probably wouldn’t be able to finish high school. I’d have to find a job on my own, my own home and raise a child on my own. I’d have to tell my own humiliating story to my child. This thing growing in me.

There was actually an alive being growing inside me. Usually I’d be delighted, for anyone in this condition. I’d rub their stomach and wonder when the baby is due and hope it’s a girl. But this time I couldn’t help but be disgusted, revolted. I had done it. And this is the by product.

“I’ll always be here for you if you need any help.” Hayden whispered to me. He hugged me, I could feel his slight breathing on my neck.

I pushed him away and looked him in the eyes, “I told you I don’t need anyone Hayden. I don’t want to bring you down with me. I have to raise a child and finish school. And you’re a senior and you have your whole life ahead of you. You don’t need to help someone like me.”

“Someday you’ll see it my way.” He muttered and shook his head the way he does when he knows he’s right.

“Someday, but not soon.” Why had I even come here? I’d barely gotten to know Hayden and here I was seeking refuge at his house when I had to take a pregnancy test. This was my responsibility not his. I realized I had to go, I couldn’t be around Hayden anymore. I liked him for too long. It was some silly little crush. He gave me the time of day once and now I followed him like a lost puppy, hoping he’d be there for me when I needed the help at vulnerable time.

“I need to go.” I hastily pushed the wands into the trash can in the bathroom and took my bag off the couch. I needed to get out of here, go somewhere. Anywhere but here, and definitely not at home.

“Wait,” Hayden grabbed my arm before I had time to reach for the door knob, “if you need anything or any place to stay I’ll be here.” I faked a smile I never knew I had the courage to give him and slammed the door in his face, stepping out in the crisp wet air.