Burn Me Like the Sun

You know those times in your life where you think you know what’s going to happen, and you can see it playing in your head just milliseconds before it happens right in front of you, and you know it’s going to be horrible but you let it happen anyway because life’s going to suck no matter what you end up doing?

I just had a gut feeling that Louis was waiting for me in the corridor just outside of the kitchen, and that he would keep waiting for me the entire night, even if it meant he had to sit on the ground and miss the auction and get his custom-tailored trousers dirty just so he could force me to talk. It didn’t even matter that he was smashed, and it certainly didn’t matter that my feelings towards him had been following the path of a swinging Newton ball the entire night.

It turned out that I was about halfway right.

I only saw the hem of her navy dress before she slipped back into the event hall, the doors closing slowly and quietly after her, a staunch opposite to her cold and snappy words of which I was the target only an hour before.

I jerked my chin down the corridor. “You certainly don’t waste any time.”

Louis looked up, eyeing me cautiously as he tucked his mobile back into his pocket.

“Believe it or not, that’s not the first time I’ve heard that tonight,” he sighed, bending his head back down and fixing his gaze on his leather shoes.

I stared at Louis, ignoring his jab at me. His hair was disheveled on top of his head, like someone had ran their fingers through it (which probably wasn’t too far from the truth). The blood in his cheeks had been flushed out, leaving his skin pale and sprinkled with sweat. There was a change in his voice as well, like someone had dumped playground mulch down his throat. And he was trying to hide his face from me, his eyes downcast as he spoke. It was a slight shift from the Louis I’d been running into all night, but it was still noticeable.

“Did you, I don’t know, did you want to talk to me or something?” I took a hesitant step, my tray pressed flat against my stomach. “Is that why you’re waiting out here?”

He glanced at me, and I could see a muscle in his jaw jump as he clenched his teeth.

“Or are you here to apologize for sneaking into my room?” I tried, my voice quiet. I chanced a couple steps closer, my trainers not even making a sound as they padded on the hardwood floors underneath me. When Louis didn’t flinch, I took another step, and then another, and another, until I was finally standing in front of him, so close that I could smell the sour bite of alcohol that clung to his jumper and the ginger from his cologne. “Niall told me you’ve been out of sorts since then. But he didn’t really divulge any details.”

“That’s because there aren’t really any details for him to divulge,” Louis muttered, pushing himself off the wall.

But when he took a step, he started stumbling, his arms flailing about. I grabbed onto his hand just before he crashed into me and pushed his shoulder so he was standing upright again. He ripped off my hand from his and circled around me, a deep scowl warping his entire face.

I leaned back against the wall he was just occupying, waiting for him to make a move. I didn’t like him like this, drunk and unpredictable, like he might lash out at me any second.

So I did what I do best. I provoked him.

“Okay, seriously, what is up your arse, mate?”

Louis sighed, the breath coming out of his nose like some sort of half-arsed chuckle and making his nostrils flare. I glanced down either end of the hallway, hoping no one would interrupt the sudden outburst I was sure was just at the tip of his tongue.

“I’m kind of angry with you,” he explained, sticking his hands into his pockets. “If you haven’t noticed.”

“You’re angry?” I sputtered. “How could you be angry? What gives you the right to be angry with me?” I pressed, pointing to myself as I stepped forward. “You haven’t even apologized for sniffing around my room like that, Louis.”

“Because you won’t open up.” He bit his lip, casting a glance at me. “You won’t let me in so I feel like I’m at least partly justified in trying to find out who the hell you are.”

“That must’ve been some eye-opening piss for you,” I seethed, giving him one sweeping look. “If you even actually made it to the toilets,” I suggested heatedly, staring pointedly at his disheveled hair.

Louis groaned and threw back his head, then started forward, his steps short and heavy. He was just a foot away when I finally backed away, my shoulders pushing against the wall as my tray clattered to the floor. I winced at the sound, but Louis didn’t even pay it any attention. He planted his palm flat against the wall just next to my head, his breathing shallow and heavy enough that I could feel it flutter my copper bangs against my forehead. His eyes bored into mine as he looked at me expectantly, like he was waiting for me to finally spit out the punch line to the joke that was our friendship.

I made my features a blank canvas, wary of Louis’s reaction if he found out that he was starting to worry me. But with the way my heart was smashing against my ribs, it wouldn’t surprise me if he could hear the hollow sound in my chest.

“We’re mates, right?” he asked solemnly, his face crumbling. He looked at me like he was begging me to say something, his brow pinched together in the middle and his forehead wrinkling. He was close enough that I could see a healing zit at the corner of his mouth and the stubble that dotted his chin. I could even smell the dry, fruity vodka that had stained his tongue.

I wanted to tell him we weren’t mates, because in the entire twenty-one years of my life, I’ve never had to work so hard just to be become friends with someone. But then again, the last few weeks were probably the most bizarre, exciting, irrevocably fun I’ve had in the three years I’d lived in London, if not my entire life. But Louis was bloody frustrating, and I had yet to decide if he was worth it.

“I… suppose,” I compromised.

“And I’m sorry, alright? I am. I shouldn’t have snuck into your room. It was stupid of me. I was being stupid.” He talked slowly, carefully pronouncing his words as he spoke, trying his hardest to not sound as drunk as he actually was. “I thought I needed an in. I barely know a thing about you.”

“Hah!” I barked, tossing up a hand and letting it smack against my leg. “Alreet, you want an in? Listen closely.” I trained my eyes on him, and he leaned back, finally moving his hand from the wall as he matched my gaze. “I don’t like opening up to people. I like keeping things to myself. Going into my room, like, like that… It just felt like a gross invasion of my privacy.”

I sucked in my lips, biting down hard on them as I gave him my most resolved look, hoping he’d believe what I was saying and let it go. I didn’t need him prying at me and forcing me to be an open book when I was just about as locked up as a pre-teen’s pink diary with a matching pink padlock.

“I don’t let anyone in, Louis,” I admitted. “It’s nothing personal.” He opened his mouth like he was about to argue, but I cut him off, jabbing him in the chest as hard as I could. “It’s bloody not!”

He grumbled and looked down, rubbing the spot where I poked him.

“Listen. Fran is my closest friend. And honestly, the only reason she knows half the things she does about me is because I got drunk the first week we were living together and I forced her to listen to my entire life story.”

I bent down and picked up my tray, busying myself with needlessly dusting it off while I thought over what I was going to say next.

“You have to coax things out of me. Okay?” I looked back up at Louis. He was too busy folding up one of his sleeves that had unraveled around his wrist to glance at me. My guess was that he was just trying to find something to do so he wouldn’t have to look at me with all that guilt clearly written across his face. “You have to work for it. You have to prove to me that you’re worth it.”

His head shot up and he narrowed his eyes. “And I’m trying to!”

I scoffed. “No, you’re not. You took a shortcut and pried where you weren’t invited,” I snapped. “You need to be patient with me. If you want to be mates, you have to slow down.”

I tucked my tray under my arm and brushed my fingers over my bangs, just trying to find something to stall with before I spit out the honest words that were burning my throat, just begging to be let out. Admittedly, it kind of got to me when Valenti accused me of acting like a robot and not like a normal person, like a normal friend. And with Louis prying me open too, it was enough to make me finally burst open.

“I’m…” I swallowed hard and glanced at Louis, who was crossing his arms as he stared me down. He looked almost encouraging with the way his eyebrows slanted upwards. His blue eyes, always like those unusually bright summer days in London, were wide and soft, and his lips were set in a straight line. “Admittedly, I’m not a very good friend. Okay? I’m lazy a-and incompetent and I’m quick to judge. You just have to be lenient with me. I’ll get there.”

“Then tell me about your mum.”

I reeled back, my eyes fluttering as I tried to wrap my head around his odd request. “W-what?” I finally got out as my heart thu-thunked about again, louder than a toddler attacking pots and pans with a spoon. I was sure Louis could hear it.

“I’m done,” he announced, his voice strained. “I’m done unless you can tell me this one thing.”

“I…” I sighed and shook my head. “Why my mum?”

He started, then licked his lips, glancing off to the side. “Remember when we were talking when I drove you back to your flat a couple weeks ago? After that event you were catering?”

“Sure,” I admitted uneasily.

“You flinched.” He licked his chapped lips again. The vodka was probably getting to him. He just had to be parched. “When someone asks me about my mum, my automatic response isn’t to flinch.”

I clenched my jaw and just stared at Louis, hoping he’d get the clue to leave it alone. One of the last things I would ever do would be to talk to Louis about my mum of all people. I’d rather go another round with the woman in the navy dress and dangerously sharp heels that had been in the corridor with Louis just seconds before I came back out than tell him about my family life. It was in shambles. Hell, you could probably fill a nice little novella about my family and their transgressions, mine included.

“I just want a clean slate, Blake. You know I give people the benefit of the doubt, but there’s only so much benefit that I can sacrifice until I’m left here wondering whether or not you’re in it like I am.” He sighed and stared down at his fumbling fingers in front of him. “I just… I want you to give me the benefit of the doubt, too And just tell me this one thing.”

“And what if I can’t?” I challenged, my fingers gripping my tray even tighter.

I could feel the blood rushing to my brain, so loud that I almost didn’t hear the next thing Louis said.

“Then I won’t bother with you anymore,” he promised.

I took in a deep breath, already counting up by even numbers. When I was nearing 50, I let out the air in my lungs with a deep whoosh, staring off to the side.

I knew that as serious as Louis was, I was sure he couldn’t keep that promise. He had been the one to track me down to get his mobile back. He was the one who invited me for tea. He was the one that suggested he come over for breakfast just a couple of weeks ago. He was the one who invaded my privacy. He was the one who called me dozens of times in just the span of a week, who dragged me back to him by getting Veal on Wheels for a charity event last minute, the one who looked for me at the party just so he could talk to me. I never did the chasing. It was always Louis.

But despite all of that and his empty warning, it was enough for me to give him the benefit of the doubt for something he still hadn’t realized: I would never work that hard to be his mate. But I could open up, just for now, and finally start chasing him back.

“Cooper is my half-brother,” I started, my words clipped. “My dad isn’t my real dad. My real one’s long gone. I mean,” I backtracked, “he’s, he’s dead, not gone. My mum, well…” I shrugged, narrowing my eyes on my clenched fist at my side. “My mum’s kind of not, y’know, in my life, I reckon,” I stuttered.

I looked back at Louis, who was studying me carefully. His face was nearly blank, except for the smile he was almost fighting off with only the smallest crinkle by the corner of his mouth making an appearance.

“Well, don’t look so pleased with yourself, you fucking git,” I chided, snapping my fingers at him. But I wasn’t angry with Louis. I was angry with myself for giving in so easily.

“That wasn’t too hard,” he said, laughing a little. His voice was strained and crackling like a campfire, dry and gravelly as though he just woke up.

My fingers buzzed, and I gripped my hands into fists as my chest burned. “It was.” I chuckled dryly, rolling my eyes at him. “It bloody was, and you know it.”

“I’ll bring a sledgehammer next time, then,” he promised, grinning lazily as he ran his fingers over his hair. “Those damn walls of yours won’t stand a chance.”

I nearly popped my neck with the force I used to snap my gaze to the kitchen doors as they swung open. Louis, however, took his time looking over his shoulder to the end of the corridor, his lips parted slightly.

“You’ve got to get back out to the event,” Valenti told me, breathing hard as he stopped his short jog down the corridor right next to me.

I could feel Louis stiffen, probably caught off guard by Val’s grand entrance. I pulled my tray closer in front of me, blocking Val’s view of the space between Louis and me, and reached down, quickly finding Louis’s clammy hand. I gave his fingers a quick, gentle squeeze before stepping in front of him to face Valenti, my tray held behind my back. I could feel Louis staring at the back of my head, and it took a lot out of me not to turn back around to see his reaction.

“Why? What’s up?” I asked quickly.

“Marge…” He sucked in another breath, pointing over his shoulder with his thumb. “Marge is looking for you. She thinks you’re hiding, duckie.”

“Duckie?” Louis humorously repeated under his breath, low enough that I almost didn’t catch it. I smacked his soft stomach with the back of my hand, hard enough that he gasped.

“But I’m not,” I told him indignantly, gesturing to the pop star that was wobbling behind me. I could practically feel the stink eye Louis was shooting at me poke through my skull.

“If she catches you mucking about here, it’ll be worse than if you had your bum planted on a toilet while you texted Fran,” he pointed out, almost sounding annoyed. “Just…”

He reached behind me, and I jumped back, nearly knocking into Louis as Val grabbed my tray. He shoved it into my arms and gave me a hard look.

“Just get out there and collect some glasses and bring them back before Marge sends out a freakin’ search party, yeah?” His face crumpled when he saw me grimace up at him, and he patted my shoulder twice. “I want to talk – trust me, I do – but I don’t want you getting the sack tonight before we get that chance. That would tear me to pieces.”

I glanced at Louis over my shoulder, then back at Val. He had some sort of painful smile on, one that I could tell was fake. But despite the forced smirk that warped his thick stubble, I knew he was being serious. And I knew he wanted to apologize, too, because I’d only seen that smile on him like he was about to shit his pants when he was about to go crawling back to Marge after a scolding.

I turned back around to face Louis, and gave him my best apologetic look. “I’ll have someone fetch you some water. You look right parched, mate.” I nodded in the direction of the event hall, curling my fingers tighter over my tray and pulling it against my stomach. “If you’re still too pissed to find me before you and your band mates leave, just give us a ring, alreet? We can hang out next week or something.”

With his hands stuffed in his pockets, he only nodded before he pecked my cheek and started down the corridor.

The second the door swung shut behind him, Valenti collapsed into manly giggles behind me, the sound nearly making me jump out of surprise. I spun back around, giving him a curious look as he swiped the back of his hand over his forehead.

“Oh, god, duckie, when will you two just get it over with and have that drunken snog I know you’ve just been dying for?”

I raised a challenging eyebrow at Valenti, setting a fist on my hip. “You’ve gone completely mad, Val.” I paused, eyeing him up and down. He was far too giddy to have not been listening in on Louis and me, I just knew it. No way he could stop himself from eavesdropping. “How much did you hear?”

“I heard enough,” he said, his expression drenched in self-satisfaction as he crossed his arms over his chest. I smacked his elbow and he yelped, tapping me back. “Well, I mean, no more than a couple of minutes,” he admitted, looking guilty.

“You fold easier than a bad hand.”

“Trust me, I’ve been deployed before,” he said, jerking his chin at me. “I’d rather go up against international terrorists than have you torture me for the truth.” He let out a weak chuckle and winked at me. “I’m proud of you, duckie. Letting go like that. You’ve got serious bollocks.”

“Eugh. Please stop with the feelings,” I begged, throwing back my head as my cheeks burned.

Valenti only laughed. “No, but really. Glad to see you’re not all nuts and bolts all the time.”

“Aye, not always,” I admitted, shrugging once.

“And I, uh…” He cleared his throat and hopped on the balls of his feet. “I wanted to apologize. For what I said earlier. I was… I was a prick,” he admitted, running his palm over his buzz cut.

“You were. But you were kinda also right.”

He grinned smugly. “Oh?”

“Had yer gob, you absolute twit.” I grumbled, shooting him a smile. “You were, though. I can, y’know, act a little uptight sometimes.”

“Try always,” Val chuckled, twisting sideways in order to avoid the slap I had aimed for his arm. “Thanks, though,” he sighed, tapping my trainer with his as he grinned again. “We’re good?”

I sighed and blew a raspberry, letting the feeling of a weight leaving my shoulders bring about goose bumps on my arms. I broke out into a smile, a full one this time, one that I didn’t even try to bite back, and nodded at Valenti.

“Alreet,” he mimicked, not even trying to duck away from a square smack on his elbow this time. “Best get back out there, yeah? I was serious, now. Marge is on the prowl,” he warned, flapping his hands and shooing me away.

I turned around and started to make my way back to the event hall entrance, already balancing my tray back on my upturned palm, when Valenti belatedly called after me, his booming voice bouncing around the walls.

“Wait, does that mean we’ll get to have that heart-to-heart some time soon? We can add in some gossip and a trashy chick flick and paint each other’s nails if you’d like. Make a proper night out of it.”

I turned back around, walking backwards as I beamed.

“Maybe some other time, Val.” I tossed up my free hand, letting it fall back against my side as I chuckled. “Because we just did.”