I'm Slowly Drowning

(warning; this chapter contains Self Harm)

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You should think that I'd have an amazing sleep after what happened between me and Andy, but I didn't. I wasn't able to fall asleep, and the happy thoughts turned into more depressing and destroying thought. What if he'd just played with me? I mean, not that I think Andy would do it, but he'd been in relationships before, like Scout, he even wrote a song for her, why would he waste time on me? I wasn't worthy his love or admiration anyways; I was ugly both on the inside and the outside and I was a total mess, broken and depressed. My head hurt and my thoughts became even messier, it hurt so much. After that, the numb yet painful feeling set in and this was around the point where I ended up harming myself because of the numb feeling and the fact that I deserved pain. I stumbled out of bed and into the bathroom where I managed to find one of my blades in the side pocket of my toilet bag. I wanted to cry, but crying was a hard thing for me and I did it rarely (yet I'd cried of happiness the evening after Black Veil Bride's concert). Sitting down next to the shower, I slowly slit the blade over the skin on my tight three times, waiting a bit for the blood to appear. I got up and smiled weirdly at the blood now running down my leg while I grabbed some tissues and held them over the cuts, waiting a bit for it to stop. After about fifteen minutes it finally stopped more or less and I crawled back to bed again, able to fall asleep with the rush I'd gotten from the self-harm. I knew I'd hate myself for it when I woke up, and it would give me a really bad day, but I couldn't help it.

God my tight sting when I woke up, I instantly felt bad about what I'd done in the middle of the night but I couldn't stay in bed and feel bad for myself, hate myself. My head hurt, so after rolling out of bed, I took two painkillers and a warm shower, jumping into the first set if clothes I could find; black skinny jeans and a MCR t-shirt, I tied my hair up in a ponytail and started packing my things.

"Oh, look who finally woke up" Jamie mumbled as she walked into our room and grabbed her already packed suitcases and bags. She's known me for fucking two days and she already acted like some bitchy goddess! I ignored her and grabbed my stuff as well, making my way past her and into the nearest elevator. I really didn't want to face the boys at the moment, I felt like shit and I hated myself, like predicted. My tight hurt as well, could my life get lovelier?

Andy's POV

She was so beautiful, I couldn't believe that I'd actually done it, I'd actually confessed how I felt about her, both towards myself and to her. She'd been on my mind all night and morning, I couldn't wait to see her.

Jamie and Max emerged in our bus when we were ready to drive, but Lex wasn't with them, my mood went a bit down at that, didn't she want to see me? Maybe I'd done something wrong?

"Now we only need Alex and we're ready to take off" Jon said as he walked into the 'living room' in the bus, greeting Max and Jamie with a good morning.

"No, Alex isn't feeling well so she decided to sleep a bit longer" Max told Jon without looking away from the game he was playing on his phone. Spontaneous, I jumped up and gave the guys an excuse about checking up with Lex, that we could just drive, I'd be in the other van until we held in somewhere.

I felt kinda bad for the driver of the fan-van, he was almost alone all of the time, but I didn't take my time to go and talk with him. I walked directly to the bunks after I git onto the van, I didn't really know how to face Lex. I knew she wasn't asleep even though her bunk was closed off; I could hear the music she was playing really loudly in her earplugs.

"Lex?" I asked hesitant and waited for a bit, when she didn't answer, I opened the curtain a bit and peeked at her... I sound like some stalker. She was sitting cross legged with closed eyes and music in her ears, I patted her lightly on the shoulder, making her she jumped a bit and opens her eyes. She had such beautiful eyes, but at this moment, they were filled with sadness and depression, I knew she was depressed, but I didn't know how bad it was.

Lex turned off the music and sent me a smile that seemed like a mixture between joy of seeing me and the same deep sadness that had been showing in her eyes a second before.

"I didn't hear you coming, sorry" she said.

"It doesn't matter" I responded and smiled back at her

We sat in awkward silence for a bit, I knew something was wrong, but I was scared that it was my fault, maybe she'd regretted the kiss after all...

"I'm sorry" she whispered and looked at her hands "I'm so SO sorry" I laid my thoughts aside and wrapped arms around her, resisting my chin upon the top of her head as she rested hers on my chest. She grabbed my t-shirt around my waist and held on, it almost seemed like she was scared to let go.

"Shhh, its okay" I mumbled and stroke my hand down her back "won't you please tell me what's wrong, Lex?" I asked quietly after a bit. Lex stayed silent again for some minutes before she pulled back so she was able to look at me, she shook her head lightly and all the sadness hidden within her became visable for a second. I felt terrible about it, she didn't need to be in such vain, she didn't deserve to suffer, I loved her and hurt so much to see her like that, broken and sad.

"I'm such a mess" she mumbled, still with a tight grip in my shirt, like if she let go, I'd disappear. I wonder what'd happened that pulled her down like this, but I didn't ask her, I didn't want to seem annoying. I kissed her forehead softy, whispering.

"You're not alone, I'm right here, Lex, I love you" she smiled sadly and looked down.

"How can you love someone like me?" She responded and tightened her grab in my shirt, "you could get so much better than me; talented people, celebrities, beautiful people, people that wasn't such an idiot, broken or depressed" I didn't even believe she'd say that, how could I ever find someone like Lex? She was something out of the ordinary.

I placed a finger under her chin and made her lift her head so she was looking me in the eyes.

"I love you, and no one would EVER be able to change that, you're beautiful, spontaneous, talented, kind, helpful and a lot more. Don't ever make yourself believe anything else." I told her and bend in to place a light kiss upon her lips.

She immediately calmed down a bit and kissed me back, moving our lips in sync. The feelings fluttered around in my chest, this was so right.

We broke apart again and she leant into me, resting her head on my shoulder, she seemed tired but it looked like she was feeling better.

"Do you want me to leave do you can sleep?" I asked her softly, she responded by shaking her head a bit.

"I don't want to be alone" she whispered, she sounded so fragile, like she'd fall apart any minute.

"K, I'll stay, but you should get some rest" I said, she nodded tiredly and I smiled at her. We lay down in the tight space being the bunk and I pulled her into me, wrapping my arms around her waist, I kissed her neck and smiled at her.

"Now get some sleep"

I wasn't able to sleep myself, so even though it sounds really creepy, I was just watching her in her sleep. She was so beautiful and looked so peaceful in her sleep, I wondered what she dreamt about.

I'd been working with lyrics for our new album all week and all of sudden, things started to appear in my head; I couldn't hide what I felt about Lex, it was burning within my mind. And I told her, I lived for last night. Even tho she was worried, I'd never change my mind, no matter how much I'd have to leave behind or loose. I wouldn't let anyone get in between us, not this relationship. I lost Scout because someone came between us and she didn't feel the same towards me as I did her.

Why didn't I have a notebook I could write it down on? I quickly pulled my iPhone out of my pocket and opened notes where I wrote down what I'd just thought about, we already had the melody more or less for a song, but not the lyrics yet. I thought about it for a bit, what if I shortened some if this a bit?

'I cannot hide what's on my mind' I wrote and sang it in my head quickly, I liked it.

'I feel it burning deep inside'

I didn't know what to write for next sentence yet but the fourth one I knew;

'Let us start living for today'

I moved on to what would be some of the chorus;

'Never gonna' change my mind'

'We can leave it all behind'

'Nothin's gonna' stop us'

'No not this time'

I liked this, the first part if the chorus, now I just had to find out what the next part would be, something with...

'So take your hand in mine'

'It's ours tonight' yeah, that was good, I didn't know what to do with the next sentence though, something about love song? This is a love song? No it missed something... A rebel love song?

'This is a Rebel Love Song'

'Harts will sacrifice'

'It's due or die'

'This is a Rebel Love Song'

I left it there, I'd finish it when I was alone.

I put my iPhone back in my pocket and smiled at the sleeping Lex next to me again, she was so beautiful. It was soon time to stop somewhere at a gas station or something so I'd have to wake her up within half an hour. She turned around in her sleep and mumbled something that sounded like 'Andrry', making my heart act weirdly, she was dreaming about me? I smiled at her again, I couldn't believe that she was mine...

When she'd turned in her sleep, she'd pushed the duvet off and her t-shirt had slit up, exposing the soft skin on her stomach, filled with scars. The sight of them made me want to cry, I'd suspected her for doing something like cutting, but I'd not thought about it too much, cause it was too painful to think about. I stroke my thumb over one of the newest scars which looked about two weeks old, how long had she been doing this?

"And-dy?" Lex whispered, I looked at her face with a sad smile, that's when she realised that I'd seen her scars I think. Her eyes widened and she sat up quickly and pulled her top down so it was covering her stomach again.

"You weren’t supposed to..." She mumbled and tears sprung forward in her eyes, I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her into me, holding on tight.

"Sshhh, I'm not mad at you, or disgusted or anything, I love you, remember that right?" She nodded

"Sorry, I'm such a mess, you deserve better" she responded. She didn't see what I saw in her, I could never find better that her.

"No, I could never find anyone better that you, Lex, you don't see what I see when I look at you, you're the most beautiful girl in the universe."

She didn't say anything after that, but her cries died out slowly and after washing her face, me redoing her eyeliner and her changing clothes and fixing her hair, she looked more or less normal again, at least normal enough to not make the guys and Jamie suspicious.

Walking out of the fan-van acting like friends were harder that it sounds, I just really wanted to grab Lex's hand or lean in and kiss her cheek or something but I couldn't since we'd decided to play stupid and make a weird bet, and now I couldn't even remember why we ended up making that bet. We got ourselves some goodies and stuff from the shop and after that joined the others on our bus.

"Feeling better Alex?" Ashley asked when we got inside, receiving a quiet nod from Lex, he didn't give all those stupid comments anymore, Jamie was the new victim and she clearly found it annoying where Lex had just laughed at them and given him a snide comment back.

Lex and I sat down in different couches, and I ended up next to Jamie who instantly started flirting with me. I acted like I didn't notice it like I'd done the other days, and treated her like I'd treat every other girl, except for Alex of cause, she was the only different one.

I guess you can say that the evening went by as usual, except for the fact that Lex was sitting in the other couch, talking with CC and Max instead of me... Which made me kinda jealous, even tho CC was in a relationship and Max wasn’t attracted by her, I guess she felt the same way about Jamie flirting with me all the time?