A Match Into Water

It seemed like an eternity since I'd walked the halls of the high school. I knew it hadn't even been two days, but it felt different, distanced. As though it had been in a different lifetime. The walls weren't closing in on me like I remembered, and for once I stood up straight. I didn't know what to make of it. I didn't try to become invisible as I walked to my locker as I usually did. In fact, I felt somewhat confident, which was alien to me. What was the big deal about school? It was fine. I was fine.

I stopped when I reached my locker, distractedly spinning the dial. My mind was preoccupied with Jaime; when I would see him, what he would say, how adorable he'd look. I wondered if Jaime was thinking of me too. Fourth period seemed so far away. My chest sort of deflated as I started counting how many times I'd have to watch the hands tick around the clock before we could be together.

I slammed my locker closed, which was now sufficiently emptied of my disorganized binders. The metal clanged against the frame, making me flinch.

And that could've been it. I could've gone to class. I could've seen Jaime. I could've had a good day, for once. But of course, that was out of the question.

When I saw the figure who was approaching me from the other end of the hallway, I took an involuntary step backwards. My instincts screamed at me to run, but I couldn’t show fear. So instead, against every fiber of my being, I simply continued on at a normal pace, knowing that Ben was right behind me.

My throat felt tight, anxiety creeping up my spine. How close was he now? There was no way I could escape him. It was like a lion and its prey; once he set his eyes on me, there was no chance of escape. I hated the fact that he had that much power over me, I really did. But what could I do about it?

Something slammed into the back of my shoulder-blade, and I jumped. I heard some chuckling behind me and my face grew hot. I slowly spun around to face all six feet of Ben, who had his arms crossed over a faded t-shirt and a smirk on his face.

“What the hell was that for?” I said, sounding weaker than I would’ve liked to.

Ben put on a mask of fake innocence. His eyes widened, and he pursed his lips, looking at me as though I was a small, confused child. “Nothing. I was just patting you on the back.”

I exhaled angrily. I didn’t even want to know what he considered assault because my shoulder felt like it had been hit with five tons of bricks. I rotated it a few times, trying to work out the pain. It started to tingle, which probably wasn’t such a good sign.

I stared at Ben for a minute, attempting to figure out exactly what he was trying to achieve here. He hadn’t insulted me yet, which was making me pretty paranoid. He must’ve had something truly awful planned if his drug-ridden brain could actually follow through with it.

He raised an eyebrow at me and took a step closer, snorting as I backed away. “Aren’t you gonna ask me why you deserve a pat on the back?”

I sighed. “Why?”

He face broke out into a devilish grin, and I knew that I’d fallen right into his trap. Could I run? No, he was too close. With his height, he’d catch me in no time. I stood a few feet away from him as he stuffed a hand into his jacket pocket, pulling out a battered phone.

“Well,” he began, licking his lips. His thumb swiped across his phone screen at lightening speed. “I happened to see a little action between you and that freshman this weekend.”

He held out his hand so that I could see the picture he’d pulled up on his phone. I swallowed, feeling a huge lump form in my throat. Somehow, he’d managed to get a shot of Jaime and I at the park on Saturday. And it wasn’t just a silhouette; it was painstakingly clear that it was us, and that my mouth was all over his.

Once Ben saw that I understood what the picture was, he smiled triumphantly. “Your little friend’s not out yet, is he?”

I didn’t respond, but I’m sure that the fear in my eyes was a dead giveaway.

“Wouldn’t it be such a shame if I were to, I dunno, accidentally put it online?”

Anger coursed through me, and I clenched my hand into a fist. “What d’you want, Ben?” I said through gritted teeth. Nobody was threatening Jaime on my watch.

Ben laughed, clearly pleased with himself that he’d made me squirm. “Oh, I don’t want anything from your scrawny ass. Just for you to see.”

I looked at him with confusion. He wasn’t making any sense. What, exactly, did he want me to be looking at?

As he drew his phone back towards him, it suddenly clicked inside my head. I stared in horror as his fingers made a few more motions on the screen, and then I heard an awful swooshing noise. He proudly tilted the screen towards me so that I could read the tiny words shown on it.

Picture uploaded.

My eyes were burning with embarrassed tears that I was determined not to let show. It had been so easy to lose sight of reality yesterday, and now here it was, back to spit in my face. I wished I could've stayed there in that wonderful dream world instead of having to return to this hellhole.

Ben sniggered at my discomfort. “That’s what you get for telling, you stupid little bitch.”

He left me there before I could reply, which I doubt I would’ve been able to anyways. Damn, did his words sting. Even though I hadn’t actually told anyone about them, it still felt like this was all my fault. How would Jaime feel when he realized it was because of me that he’d been outed? I didn’t even know where Ben had uploaded the picture to, though it was no doubt somewhere that the entire student body would see.

I bit my lip as I sped through the hallways to first period, eyes trained exquisitely on the floor. Anyone who had seen me earlier probably thought that I was a completely different person. And it really felt like I was. I wished that I could be that confident kid all the time, one who's not afraid of what other people say about him. But the truth is, I wasn't that kid. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't be. Instead, I could be the idiot kid sitting alone in the back of his English class failing to understand a word that his teacher was saying.

I sighed as the teacher continued to drone on about whatever book I was supposed to have been reading over the weekend. My paper was covered in random lines and boxes that I'd doodled, and in the corner I'd written Jaime's name like I was a nine year old girl. I quickly erased it before anyone could see, since I didn't need anyone to find out before they absolutely had to. Maybe I could have one more day of somewhat peace.

I let my head fall into my hands, pinching my face up in frustration. Why did this always happen to me? Why couldn't I just enjoy one good thing, just one?

Because I didn't deserve it. This repeating nightmare was what was meant for me, and there was no conceivable way for me to break the endless loop. I’d get home today, and everyone would know. I didn’t think I’d be able to show my face tomorrow, everyone would be staring. Everyone would look at me differently. I wouldn’t just be the weird loner kid, I’d be the weird faggot loner kid, which was somehow even worse. I could tolerate Ben picking on me- that was just how it was. But everyone else was quite a different story.

And Jaime- what would he say? The few hours before I saw him now seemed way too short. I needed time to plan. What if someone had already said something to him? What if he wouldn’t talk to me? Those few weeks when he’d ignored me had been the worst in my entire life. What could I say I to make him understand that I didn’t mean for this to happen, that I would never do anything to hurt him, that-

"Mr. Fuentes," an angry voice interrupted my thoughts.

I glanced up to see the teacher staring at me, along with the rest of the class. My face felt hot, and I scrambled to figure out what she had just asked me, but I really had no clue. When she saw my deer-in-the-headlights expression, the teacher clucked her tongue at me, moving on to ask the question to another student. Something about themes and morals. Honestly, did that even matter? There were actual problems going on, not just fancy words arranged on paper.

If the moral was so important, then tell me, what was the moral of my story? That no matter how hard you try, everything will turn out like shit in the end anyways? Was that the message here?

I turned my attention away from the teacher once again, focusing on the clock above one of the bookshelves lining the walls. I couldn’t tell if I wanted the hands to move slower or faster. Slower, so that I could have more time to think of what to say to Jaime. Faster, so that I could be with him before anyone told him.

So I sat by at normal speed, once again wasting my life just waiting for time to pass.

***

I was on edge as I sat in the math room, anxiously awaiting Jaime’s arrival. I hadn’t seen him all day, so I had no way of knowing whether he’d heard about the picture yet or not. Part of me wished he hadn’t so that he wouldn’t be upset, while the other half hoped that he had and it was just over and done with. When he did finally walk through the door, his expression was somewhat hard to read. His face remained neutral as he strolled over to the desk beside mine. Only after he’d taken out his various binders and folders did he finally acknowledge my existence.

“Hey, Vic,” he smiled, rifling through his papers for his meticulously completed homework.

“Hey,” I replied, keeping my tone light. I waited to see how he’d react.

“How’s your day been?” It didn’t seem like an interrogation, more like small talk.

I thought for a moment before answering. “Pretty good.”

He nodded, clearly not really focused on the conversation.

“Something wrong?” I asked.

That seemed to bring his attention back. He shook his head in such a sincere way that I believed him. Which meant that he didn’t know about the picture.

As I tried to figure out how I felt about that, the bell rang, and the teacher walked up to the front of the room to begin the lesson. I immediately zoned out, as I did in every class. It was hard for me to pay attention on any given day, which meant that today it was impossible.

I got easily lost in my thoughts, which were mostly worries about what would happen after class. I’d have to tell him, wouldn’t I? He’d find out eventually, anyways. I bounced back and forth on the idea all of class. Screw solving equations; I needed someone to help me solve the mess that my life had become.

Detaching myself from my head a few minutes before class ended, I watched while Jaime answered the teacher’s final question before the bell rang. It was supposed to be especially hard, so of course his answer was correct. I’d known him for months now, and his intelligence never failed to amaze me.

Everyone scrambled to pack up their stuff, eager to get the hell out of class, myself included. Behind me, I heard a voice hiss, “I dunno which you’re better at, math or sucking face.”

I whipped around to see Danny snickering as he waltzed out of the classroom to join the craziness in the hallway. I’d been so worried about Jaime that I’d forgotten that he was in this class, too. I cringed inwardly as I looked at Jaime, trying to see what he thought. He seemed confused, which was understandable. He had no idea what Danny was talking about. He appeared to just shrug it off, but as he gathered his things together, I could tell that it was still on his mind. A brain like his, I was sure he was trying to figure out exactly what Danny’s remark had meant.

I tried to distract him, asking if he’d come to my locker with me. I knew it was probably just more fuel for the rumors, but I didn’t want him to be alone right now. What if someone else said something awful to him?
And, if I were to be completely honest, I didn’t really want to be alone right now, either. My chest still felt too small, and I needed him to get me out of my thoughts, even if he didn’t necessarily know that was what he was doing.

I hummed to myself as I opened my locker, swapping for the books I needed and grabbing my lunch. Jaime didn’t need anything from his locker, so we walked straight to the cafeteria, which was already crowded. I sat down at our usual table while Jaime went to get some of the soggy tacos they were serving that day.

I glanced around to make sure there weren’t any teachers lurking around, then pulled my phone out of a small pocket in my backpack. The phone itself was pretty useless, seeing as though the only people I ever actually texted were my parents and Mike, and that was mostly about everyone’s schedules. However, it did happen to be a smartphone, which I used to think was a huge waste of money. Now, though, I pulled open an internet window and logged onto every social site that I could think of. Facebook, Twitter, all of it. I couldn’t believe that my accounts even still worked, it’d been that long since I’d last used them.

And on every single one, staring me in the face like horrible demon that had managed to surface, was the picture of me and Jaime. Ben hadn’t spared anyone the pleasure of seeing it, much to my dismay. The comments were already piling up, and I couldn’t stop myself from reading them.
Each time I read the word “faggot” was like a fist to the gut, one more thing to hate myself for.

“What’re you looking at?”

I quickly locked my phone as I heard Jaime’s voice behind me. “Nothing.”

“Okay, then,” he said, giving me a weird look and picking up a limp taco.

I went to unpack my own lunch, thinking about how lucky I was that Jaime hadn’t gone online yet. In fact, I didn’t even think he had an account on any of those websites. He didn’t have a phone, which kind of sucked in the way that we couldn’t really keep in touch outside of school. But hey, at least he wouldn’t know about the photo.

What was I thinking? Was I really not going to tell him? Because that seemed to be where my thoughts were headed. I knew I should, because this was happening to him too, but how could I even begin to explain what had happened? He didn’t even know that Ben and Danny had a thing for each other. Also, a key point in my mind, he didn’t know how badly I’d fucked things up. And did I really want him to?

I took a bite of my sandwich, mulling over my options as I slowly chewed. There was an awkward silence between us, and I knew I had to say something. Jaime watched me expectantly, as I was usually the one to start the conversation. I swallowed, my mind scrambling, teetering back and forth between my options. Tell Jaime. Don’t tell Jaime. Tell. Don’t. If I didn’t tell him, it wouldn’t technically be lying, would it?

I looked at his face, which for once seemed pretty happy. I’d put him through enough this weekend- I didn’t need to give him something else to worry about.

I forced a smile onto my lips. “So, did you suck up to the teachers in all your classes today?”

This earned a chuckle out of him. “Hey, I do what I have to to get an A.”

Just like that, conversation became easy, like it always was. I became so lost in Jaime’s voice, his smile, that I almost forgot about what had happened earlier. Almost. But it was nearly impossible to keep myself from remembering that I had let Jaime down yet again. This perfect being, always there for me, and yet I was just making things harder for him.

It was almost too easy to fake a grin on my face for the rest of lunch, and pretty much the rest of the day. It was weird, because on one hand, I was happy to be with Jaime. On the other, I felt like my entire world was collapsing. How those two sensations could coexist, I had no idea. It was like I had to keep fixating myself on the bad things because I couldn’t let myself believe that good things existed too.

Or because things really were shit.

Either way, by the end of the day, my brain was fried due to the combination of overwhelming anxiety, guilt, and a struggle to forget. When I said goodbye to Jaime at the end of the day, I felt a crushing defeat. Tomorrow, he might not look at me the same way. He might hate me. No, he would definitely hate me.

I thought I might sink into the ground as I trudged to my locker, and then to the parking lot. Maybe that would’ve been better than having to deal with everything. My nervousness intensified as I neared my car. What would Mike say? He kind of already knew about me and Jaime, but still. What would he think about all of the comments that people had posted? I’m sure it wasn’t fun to have to be related to someone that everyone hated so much.

“Hey, I’m sleeping over at Rian’s, okay?”

I shook my head in confusion. That was not what I was expecting him to say. “What?”

“Y’know, Rian, my friend since forever?” Mike spoke slowly, annoyed. “I’m staying over at his house.”

“Oh, um, okay,” I stuttered, still not quite grasping what was going on and why Mike hadn’t mentioned the picture yet.

“My phone’s dead, so I had to come tell you in person.”

I nodded. Now it made sense; not only why he’d come to the car, but also why he hadn’t brought up the biggest embarrassment of my life.

“See you tomorrow, then,” he said, already walking away.

I waved, even though I knew he couldn’t see me. Sighing, I got into the car alone, pulling out of the already mostly empty parking lot. The drive was pretty quiet since the only music available was one of Mike’s CDs, which were deafening and made me feel like a giant cop magnet. The only noise was in my head as I replayed Ben’s words over and over again. I couldn’t stop myself. I had to keep reminding myself how badly I’d screwed up, how everything was my fault. If not, I might not feel like total crap, which wasn’t an option.

Once I made it home, I knew what I needed. The house was empty, and I had barely slung my bag off my shoulders before I was rushing upstairs. The bathroom door was open, beckoning. I couldn’t resist. My brain was having a shouting match with itself, screaming at me to stop while also coaxing me on. The drawer flew open and before I knew it, I had a blade in my hand.

So this was how I was going to spend my night alone; sitting on my bathroom floor, slicing up my wrists. I...I didn’t want that. But what could I even do about it? I lifted the razor, poising it above my skin. I took a breath in, and as I was about to press down, the phone rang.

It knocked me off my course of action as I put down the blade to get the phone. It was probably Mike saying that he’d forgotten something and wanted me to drive out there and drop it off. But when I answered, it wasn’t Mike’s voice on the other end.

“Hey, Vic? It’s Jaime. Um, my dad’s not going to be home until later tonight, and I was wondering...did you maybe want to come over?”

I couldn’t stop myself from smiling. “Sure! Give me ten minutes.”

I was already halfway to the door when I hung up the phone. Once I made it to my car, I was off to Jaime’s in no time. I ached to see him again, even though school had barely been over for an hour. I pulled over on the curb next to his driveway, excitedly bounding to the door. He opened it before I could even knock, an embarrassed grin on his face. Did he think that I wasn’t actually going to show up or something?

He stepped back so that I could enter, eyes downcast. “Welcome to the dump where I live.”

I took Jaime’s hand in mine, trying to let him know that there was nothing for him to be ashamed of. He led me through a maze of empty bottles and overflowing ashtrays and past the kitchen, where I’d seen his dad slam him against the wall. I shuddered at the memory.

He stopped when he reached a door at the end of a small hallway, twisting it open with his free hand. He gestured inside. “Well, this is my room.”

I took a cautious step in, looking around. There wasn’t much inside, just a bed pushed underneath the window and a small dresser next to it. A cheap lamp rested on top of it, but the shade was bashed in toward the light. I hated to think of how that had happened and how exactly Jaime had been involved.

Spread out on the floor was an array of textbooks and papers, all carefully organized by subject. I stepped over them as I entered the room, Jaime following. Our hands, interlocked, swung gently between us. As Jaime turned and took a step closer to me, a few things slid into place.

I was alone. With Jaime. In his bedroom.