A Match Into Water

"Vic!"

The voice came to me as though through a veil, gurgled and distorted. My head was so foggy that I couldn't think, couldn't process the words. Faintly, at the edge of my mind, I was aware that more words were being spoken, but I couldn't discern their meaning. They were simply disconnected sounds, and they were fading farther and farther away. Everything was. I couldn't feel anything, and I couldn't form a thought to figure out how I felt about that. It was like I was ceasing to exist, but I hadn't completely flickered away yet. My consciousness was growing dimmer, and I sunk into the depths of the nothingness.

Only I couldn't completely disappear. The voice was getting louder, shouting now, but it was as though it was from up on the surface and I was ten feet underwater, totally submerged and floating in the void. I felt calm. I felt nothing. I felt...wet. I felt hands shaking me. I felt a body next to mine wracked with sobs. I felt the vibrations of the pained screams coming from their throat, which had now turned into violent whispers, as though they couldn't even bring themselves to speak.

Another splash of wetness dripped across my face. Water. Someone was dousing me in water. Why? I struggled to recall what was going on, but my mind drew a blank. Where even was I? There was darkness all around me, and it took me a few moments to realize that my eyes were closed. I tried to open them, but they felt like lead.

The voice from before was still talking, I realized, and I strained to listen to it. At first, it seemed like just a jumble of sounds, but eventually I was able to pick apart the words.

"Vic, don't be dead. Please, just...f-fuck, don't be dead, oh god, don't let him be dead, he can't be, he can't, please..." The voice broke off, stuttering into a fit of crying.

Whoever it was, I could feel their hand on my chest, clutching at the fabric of my shirt as though it was a lifeline. Their breathing was staccato, and it was painful to listen to. I desperately wanted to open my eyes, to see what was happening, but I was trapped in this in-between state, and there was nothing I could do about it. I was right below the surface, I knew it, I just needed to get a little higher, and then I'd be able to breathe again.

The pressure on my chest subsided, and I felt even more dazed until another bout of water came crashing onto my face. It was freezing cold, and I began to splutter, cool air painfully entering my lungs.
I started to cough, my body shaking with each heave of my chest. I couldn't get any air in without feeling like I was going to choke.

Hands pulled me upright to a seated position, held me steady because I was too weak to support myself. My head rested against a bony shoulder, though to me it felt like a pillow.

"Vic?" The voice asked, cracking on the last word in desperation. "Can you hear me?"

I wanted to say yes, to reassure this voice that I could, in fact, hear them. But I didn't even know who the voice belonged to. Or where I was. Or what was going on. All I knew was that I was still enveloped by darkness, and my brain couldn't form a coherent thought.

I could feel the panic returning to the person beside me when I didn't reply, couldn't reply, and they began to shake my shoulders gently. My head was like a deadweight, lolling above my neck, and presently I was returned to my laying position on the ground.

"C'mon, Vic," the voice whispered urgently, sounding hoarse. "I know you're there. Wake up! Please, wake up!"

Wake up? Was I asleep? Was that why I couldn't remember anything, couldn't think straight? I struggled to open my eyes, yearning to understand what was happening. It felt like I was lifting a million pounds, but eventually I was able to flick them open.
And the second I did, I closed them again, wishing I'd kept them that way in the first place.

Because I remembered what had happened. I remembered everything. The conversation in the car. The woods. The note. The...the noose. I cringed, because yet again, I had failed. One simple task, and I had to fuck it up. And now... I thought of the face that was still projected on the inside of my eyelids. The face that I'd let down, yet again. What made it even worse was that if I'd been able to do it, if I wasn't such a failure, then they could've been happy. So, so happy, living without me. But now that I was trapped in this awful place once again, they'd have to pretend like they cared about me. I didn't deserve it. I never deserved it.

"Can- can you hear me?"

Of course I could. Both of us knew it. I'm sure it hadn't gone unnoticed when I'd opened my eyes. When I'd seen Jaime's beautiful face hovering above mine, almost like an angel. An angel that used to be mine. An angel that shouldn't even have to look at scum like me. But Jaime's face, looking down at mine...why did he have to care? Why did he have to fucking care, could he just answer me that? Why did he feel the need to make things harder for everyone?

He shook my shoulders again, and this time I gave in and opened my eyes fully. Guilt rose up in my throat just seeing the sight around me, and I felt like I was going to puke. I was on the floor next to my overturned desk chair, my belt still hanging from the fan like a bad omen. The note...the note was gone. I squinted in confusion, searching for where it possibly could have gone. When I finally later my eyes on it, the huge lump in my throat grew even bigger. The paper was crumpled up and clenched inside a fist, a fist connected to the person who sat beside me, the person whose gaze I'd been purposefully avoiding. I could tell without looking that it was drilling into me, and my stomach contracted with guilt.

I wanted to say something, anything, apologize, I didn't even know what. But before I could even begin to come up with the words, I saw Jaime pull away, retreating so that his back was against the wall. He pulled his knees into his chest, head hanging low towards his lap. He was shaking, and was finally able to choke out, "Thank- oh my god, don't ever- I just-"

His sobs became louder, and it now seemed like I was the one holding him. "What the hell were you thinking?"

I bit my lip, so hard that I tasted blood. I felt numb, as though my entire body was covered in ice. As though this was happening to someone else, not me. It was only after the tears began to drip off my chin that I realized I was crying. Because man did I fuck up. What was wrong with me? I just...I didn't know. Why, that was all that my brain could think. Why was I still here? Why had I even attempted to begin with? Why was Jaime the one who found me? Why was I such an awful, sorry excuse for a human being?

I could tell Jaime was trying to regain some self-control, taking deep, shaky breaths. He slowly raised his head to look at me. Just seeing his face made me want to sink away into the floor. Seeing the pain in his eyes, and knowing that I was the one who'd caused it. I needed to explain it to him, to make him understand. To make him see that he'd be so much better off without me.

I opened my mouth to speak, but then everything came crashing down on me at once. What had I done? I'd been such a coward, I'd done what I'd sworn I never would. I couldn't see, my eyes were too clouded with tears, and I hated that Jaime was seeing me like this. I wanted to undo everything. I wanted to have just done it right. My heart felt like it was exploding out of my chest, and my face contorted in pain. I could only breathe in gasps, and damn was I embarrassed. I was a mess, a fucking train wreck, I...

Soft arms slowly wrapped themselves around me, hugging me close. I sniffled, leaning into Jaime's chest. I could feel him struggling to control his breathing, and felt guilty that he had to take care of me like this. I could hear him softly crying over my shoulder, but he made no mention of it. Instead, he gently ran his hand across my back, trying to help me to calm down. But the tears, they just wouldn't stop, no matter how hard I tried.

"I- I'm sorry," I mumbled, my face crumpling. I was glad Jaime couldn't see it.

"You're okay now, that's all that matters," he reassured me soothingly.

"Don't say that!" I cried, jerking backwards out of his arms. "Don't tell me that it's fucking fine, because it's not! It's not, and you know it, and I know it, and..."

I couldn't stop the tears from flowing again, my face burning in a combination of anger and embarrassment. I stomped over to my bed, laying down and facing the wall, away from Jaime.

"Vic, I-"

"Don't try and make excuses for me!" I cut in before he could finish. "I know what I did, and I deserved it, okay?"

"No," he said firmly, and I could imagine him shaking his head, though I was too afraid to look. "How could anyone, let alone you, deserve something like that?"

As if he didn't already know. What did he want me to do, recount the story of my life?

"Look at me!" I shouted, spastically flipping over to face him. "Who the hell would want this? I don't even want this!"

He looked as though he was about to say something to contradict me, some bullshit along the lines of everyone loving me or something. I wasn't going to hear it.

"Do you know what it's like to look in the mirror and hate every damn thing about yourself? To spend every fucking second of every fucking day being told by everyone what a retard you are? To always let everyone down, not matter how hard you try to not screw things up just this one time, just once? Huh? Because I can't do it anymore, Jaime. I'm sorry, but I just can't."

I rolled back over to stare at the ugly green paint on my wall, hoping that Jaime would just take the hint and leave. It was silent for a while, so I thought he might've. I'd just started to feel guilty for yelling at him when he spoke up, startling me with the fact that he hadn't, in fact, left.

"Listen, I- I can't pretend like I know what's going on in your head. And if I did anything, if this is somehow my fault, then I'm- I'm so fucking sorry." His voice was thick, and he swallowed before continuing.
"I know I was being a dick earlier, so I had Tony drive me over to apologize. I thought we could talk, but you weren't answering..." At this point he was audibly crying, having difficulty getting out full sentences. "Th-then the door was open, and I heard... I heard the chair. So I came up, a- and you were just-"

My heart was collapsing inside my chest. The obvious pain in his voice was strangling me, a torture even worse than death. I'd hurt one of the few people I genuinely cared about, even if I hadn't necessarily meant to.

Jaime cleared his throat, attempting to regain composure. I braced myself for what he was going to say next. "I read your note."
I cringed as I heard him unfolding the paper.
"And- and if you really have made up your mind, then just remember this. Victor Fuentes, I love you, and I can't imagine life without you. There is no life without you."

A tear leaked out of the corner of my eye, and I let it slide down my cheek. I had a million things I wanted to say, wanted to tell him. That I was sorry. That I loved him too. That I wasn't going anywhere. But I was just so tired.

I felt the bed creak, dipping down beside me. The crease in the bed redistributed itself, and I felt Jaime roll over next to me. His chest pressed against my back, and I felt myself shiver a little. He reached his arm so that it wrapped over my shoulder, and I felt safe as I snuggled closer to him. His head was close to mine on the pillow, and I could feel his shins behind my feet. I kept my eyes on the hand he had draped over me, tension easing as I studied its contour. I was slipping into sleep, cozy and protected in Jaime's embrace.

"Don't go," I murmured.

His reply was faint, whispered into my hair. "I'll never leave you, baby. I promise."