Pawn Shop Blues

Daria was sobbing and there was nothing Olivia could do about it.

“Hey, hey,” Olivia hummed as she held her best friend as close to her body as she could, wishing that they could melt together as two halves of the one whole they really were. Daria was shaking uncontrollably with the wrenching sobs, her head pressed firmly into Olivia’s shoulder. She’d been crying for a day now, unable to get a hold of herself. All because of that prick Harry Styles.

She’d told him she loved him and then he broke up with her. The day before she was set to head home to Connecticut. Olivia would have torn him apart where he stood had she seen him since. But even though she had been keeping a hope in her heart that he could come crawling back to apologize, she’d seen none of him. That made it just that much worse as she instead watched her best friend fall apart.

The worse part of it all was perhaps the suitcases by the door, packed and ready to go home with Daria. That was it – that moment was the last they would spend together in that dorm room, the last Daria would be her roommate, the last Olivia would see her in… well, she didn’t know how long.

She knew that Daria wasn’t just crying for Harry. She was crying for the whole new life she’d built, for the new life that she loved, that she was now being forced to leave behind. Her transfer acceptance letter from Birmingham had never come through. Which meant she had to go home. And then Olivia would be alone.

“It’s all going to be okay, I promise,” Olivia murmured to her, stroking her hair, trying to end it all as tears formed in her eyes. “The sun is going to come up in the morning, you’re going to get off that plane, you’re going to breathe fresh New England air, and you’re going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay Daria.”

Daria pulled away to give Olivia the most meaningful look she could muster. Her lower lip trembled, eyes puffy from tears and lack of sleep, trademark top-knot falling apart from the haphazard nature of her every move. That look cut Olivia to the core, ending any strength she had left in one swift motion. She finally broke down into equal sobs to Daria’s, perhaps not in breadth but certainly in depth.

“Olivia, I love you,” Daria mumbled through her tears, reaching down to squeeze her best friends hands.

“I love you too, Daria,” Olivia murmured, squeezing them back. “Keep your chin up. And call me when you land.”

It was supposed to be like ripping off a band aid, but instead it felt like Olivia was ripping out her heart. She couldn’t just let Daria walk out the door and out of her every day. She just couldn’t bring herself to do it.
But she had to. With tears in both of their eyes, Daria grabbed her suitcases by the handles and rolled them out the door. Olivia begged her to not look back, to make it easier on both of them, but Daria wasn’t strong enough right then. Of course she looked back, and when she did, it just made it that much harder. Olivia wept as she watched her friends hazel eyes disappear in a muddled mess of tears before giving her a weak smile and wave and watching her disappear into the elevator at the end of the hall.
And just like that, Daria Holmes was gone.

Olivia retreated into the room, feeling sick at the sight of Daria’s empty half. Everything she’d grown familiar with was gone – the half-empty closet, the desk stocked with books, the perfectly made bed. The things she took comfort in knowing that Daria was there had all disappeared. And all Olivia could do was sit and stare at them.

“Please come back,” Olivia willed Daria softly, as though Daria could hear her. As though her pleading could change the fact that Daria had to go home, that there was no other place for her to go anymore. She couldn’t subject Daria to the holidays at her house in Downpatrick. She couldn’t put anyone else through the wringer that was her home life.

Daria was the first best friend in Olivia’s adult life. She’d had favorite playmates before all through her school days, but none of them ever like Daria. Never someone who she could simply sit alone in a room with and just be happy in the silence. Never someone who could put on an album that would match Olivia’s exact mood at the same time. Never someone who could understand the many facets of Olivia’s personality and never question any of them. Never anyone but Daria.

She needed to get out of there. The space was stifling her then, the emptiness of it causing the rest to cave in. Briefly, she wondered if that was how Daria felt when she was having an anxiety attack – stifled, enclosed, trapped. Quickly, she lay down in bed and pulled the covers over her head to hide from the rest of the room, searching to find her phone to call for help.

Her fingers went immediately to the contact number of the person she wanted to speak to most. The phone rang and rang and rang without any answer until finally it clicked over to voicemail.

“Hello, you’ve reached Niall. I’m not available to come to the phone right now, but if you leave a message, I’ll get back to you! Thanks!”

That lilt made her heart ache even worse. She realized then that the lads had left too, gone to America to promote their new Christmas album. Niall wouldn’t be around to distract her. Instead, he was off gallivanting with the boy who broke her best friend’s heart, and something about that made it even worse – though admittedly it wasn’t Niall’s fault.

Then she realized that she’d been sitting on the line, leaving dead space only with her crying. How embarrassing.
“Hey Ni, it’s Olivia,” she mumbled into the receiver, trying her best to get a hold of herself. “Sorry, I got distracted. I just remembered you’re in the States so me calling is kind of pointless but… well, Daria just left and I’m pretty gutted about it obviously so…”

The message was beginning to sound more and more stupid with every word that left her mouth. But her sadness just kept her mouth moving, allowing everything to escape her without any sense of inhibition.

“I know you’re probably really busy, but if you could take some time out to call me, I’d really appreciate it. I could use a friend right now. The room is so empty, Niall, I can’t hardly stand to be here. I need to get out. Um, yeah, if you get this message please call me back, I really need to talk to you –“

And just as she was about to say goodbye, the voicemail cut her off, asking her if she was satisfied with her message or if she would like to re-record. Of course she wanted to re-record, she sounded like such a tosser and surely he would be scared off by the fact that of everyone she needed to call when she was upset, she’d chosen him. God, it was all just so typical of her. But she couldn’t find the strength.

She closed her eyes for a while, trying to make it all go away. The heavy weight of the blankets helped for a while, the compression comforting her in a way she couldn’t quite explain. She almost wished it would press her down into the mattress so hard she would melt away. And then she realized how she was thinking.

Olivia McGuiness never let her sadness get to her. She always carried on.

Just then, her phone began to ring. She scrambled to reach it, thinking it was Niall calling her back. She was so wrong to be irritated with him for not answering. Her hopes, however, were dashed when she glanced at the screen to check the ID. It wasn’t Niall. In fact, it wasn’t even Daria.

It was Aoife.

“Hello?” she grumbled into the phone, not entirely in the mood to talk to her sister.

“Livvy!” Aoife exclaimed over the line. “Are you feeling okay? You sound a little stuffy.”

Olivia sighed in frustration. “Yes, Aoif, I’m fine. What do you need?”

Aoife never called unless she needed something.

“Just calling to see when you’re coming in for Christmas,” she replied, her voice lofty. “I’m planning on flying in from Prague when I’m done with my shoot tomorrow.”

Olivia couldn’t help but wish Aoife would just stay in Prague. Then, she wouldn’t have to spend the money on airfare and instead could buy Einin a half-decent Christmas present. Olivia couldn’t remember the last time Aoife actually bought any of them their Christmas presents – she was becoming notorious for re-gifting the free things she got from companies in the post.

“I hadn’t really thought about it,” Olivia answered honestly. “I’ve been busy. With finals and such.”

“Oh of course,” Aoife replied, sounding a bit annoyed. “Our little scholar. How could I forget?”

Olivia chuckled dryly. “I think I’ll be home tomorrow, too. But look, I have to go. I’ll see you then, alright?”

“Alright, Livvy. Get some Sudafed for that nose, alright?”

Olivia rolled her eyes and hung up on her sister without saying goodbye. Aoife had no right to mother her. She could hardly take care of herself, much less the rest of them. That responsibility had fallen to Olivia – during the time she spent at home, at least. Which was certainly better than the terrible two running the house.

But as she sat trying to breath beneath the covers, the oxygen running out, she decided that going home could be a nice break from the sadness Birmingham now housed for her. Yes, things at home could be okay. She would just have to set her mind to it.