Tug of War

I stared at the dark ceiling until I heard his him snoring beside me. I pulled the covers slowly back as I got out of his bed. Although he hated it, I never stayed the night, something inside of me prevented it. A strange tug of war in between my head and my heart. It's been going on for as long as I could remember.

As I slipped my bra back on I felt his hand caress my back. I paused. “Come back to bed.” Henry whispered sleepily.

“You know I don't sleep well with anyone next to me.” I said, hooking the bra and bending down to grab my shirt off the floor.

“Bullshit.” he sat up and moved closer. I had my shirt above my head but he threw it back to the floor. “I miss you when you're gone.”

“I can't stay.”

“Give me an actual reason why.”

I tried to think of something that would make sense to him. The reality was that as much as I love being with him, as great as the sex was, how happy he made me, it didn't change my own feelings. I always felt like I was lacking something when I was with him, like I didn't quite deserve him, didn't deserve anything good. I didn't understand his feeling for me. We were from opposite world in my mind. How could he want me?

“See you can't.” He pulled me back down onto the bed and wrapped his arms around me, securing my against his warm body. “I'm not letting you leave me this time. Do you have another boyfriend on the side? Is that where you're always running off to?” he chuckled.

“No.”

“Good.” he yawned and pretty soon he was asleep again, his head nuzzling my neck, his breath brushing my skin.

I lie there trapped, his arms were still around me, as if he knew I would flee the first change I got, I couldn't leave without him feeling it. I tried to sleep but I only fell into small moments of rest. I don't know why I felt so nervous and scared. This was a man I had shared a bed with. Why did anything more intimate frighten me so much?

I finally found sleep but before I knew it the sun was peaking through the windows and I felt him stirring beside me. I opened my eyes to see him smiling down at me. “That wasn't so bad, now was it?” he said as he pulled the covers up around us.

I looked away. “No. I guess not.”

“What's wrong?” he must have read something in my face.

“Nothing.” I assured him.

“Can you for once be honest with me. Did I do something?”

I shook my head, “No, but I don't think I can see you anymore.” I blurted out.

He sat up, surprised. “Why?”

“It's... complicated.”

“Why?” he repeated, determined to get a a real answer..

“It's me, that's all. Not you.” I sat up and was about to get out of bed but his hands held me still.

“Not a good enough answer. Dominique, tell me what's going on. We've been together for months, if you're going to end it I think I deserve a better excuse than that.”

“I don't deserve you.” I said looking down at my hands.

“What are you taking about?”

“You're much too kind to me, I never deserved anyone like you. You need someone who isn't always running away, someone smart, and kind, and beautiful. Not someone like me. I'm flawed and broken.”

He took my face in his hands and forced me to look him in the eye. “You are smart.” he kissed my lips. “You are kind.” another kiss, “You are beautiful.” and another. “You're not broken, love, and we are all flawed,” he smiled sweetly, “And we do deserve each other, don't you dare think otherwise.”

“But-” he cut me off with another kiss.

“I need you.” he whispered against my lips.

I pulled back. “No, you don't, you just think you do. You just think you do.” he wiped away the tear that ran down my cheek.

“I know you think that you aren't enough, that love isn't in the cards for you but I love you.”

My eyes widened as I stared at his green eyes. He had never said those words to me. Those three words scared me, those words would send me running, and I think he knew it.

“I never told you that, but I've known it for a long time. I know you love me too, even thought you might ever utter the words.”

“I...” I couldn't think of a damn thing to say.

Did I love him? I've never loved anyone before so I couldn't be sure. But he loved me. I think I'd known it all along. Maybe that's why I was always pushing him away. Maybe I had hoped he'd be the one to end it, he'd see how screwed up I was and he'd leave me. But he never even hinted at it, never thought of casting me aside like others had done in the past and that's what scares me. That someone could actually love me, me in all my messed up glory.

I felt his fingertips wiping away another tear, then another. I stared into his eyes again. My mind was screaming to run, to hide, not to return, nothing good would come of this. Only a broken heart.

But my heart, that silly thing, was telling me this is where I was meant to me, that this was home. I'd always listened to my mind, ignored the pain in my heart whenever I thought about how lonely I felt. My mind would try to rationalize, tell me that not everyone was meant to be in love, not everyone was meant to be happy. That I was one of those people who was supposed to live life alone, to accept it and move on, because dwelling on it didn't help.

All the while my heart ached for something pure, something real. That strange tug of war and my mind always won the battles. Only now I didn't know which part of me would win the war.

“I'm scared.” I whispered, barely audible, in a shaking voice.

“I know, I know.”

He took me into his arms and held me. I didn't try to hold my tears in, I let them fall down one by one. His hands stroked my bare back softly. I lifted my head up from Henri's chest and found his lips. I put my arms around his neck and made sure he wouldn't let me go.

I pulled back and looked into his eyes again. He smiled. I took a deep breath and told myself I could do this. No matter what happened, I could at least try. I had to.

“I... uh.... I lo-”

He put a gentle finger to my lips. “Shh. Don't say it if you don't mean it. It's okay, love.”

I took another deep breath, my heart pounding, encouraging me to go on. All the while my head was screaming “no.” But I knew this man was worth the hurt that may or may not come.

I brought my lips to his ear and whispered, “I love you.”

His arms tightened around me, a sigh escaped his lips. “God, I love you, too, love.”

I shut my eyes again, tears overflowing.

The battle wasn't over yet, but the heart was on its way to winning the war.