The Reason

The door closes. The silence breaks into this house. The ticking of the clock stands out among all the things like a ticking time bomb. This bomb is me. I am counting down to exhaustion, despair, loss of all senses. If, sometime, I felt important and useful in some way, now I feel like a can of a soft drink cheap walking the streets being kicked by everyone. Now I feel that everything is real. The past I tried to forget is real. These scars are the proof of that.

The memories of a dark past come to the surface as if I had been placed in a time machine and I'd have to live all over again. That moment when I stretch my arm, pointing the gun at the head of that poor man. That poor man who worked hard to be able to make a better life for his wife and children, who fought for their children to have a worthy education. What have I done? What did I?
That moment when my 'mates' searched in all abducted persons, taking them all they could and putting everything in bags travel while I threatened them with a gun. That poor man defended himself as he could. He refused to give what little he had.

"Won't you give in? So, look... the angels will meet sooner than you think. Get rid of that guy."

"That's right, lady. Smash up his brains."

"I can't ..."

"Come on! Think of the reward that you'll have. This is much more important that the horns of this fucking guy. SHOOT HIM!"

They pressed me so much that I had no other option. I had no control of myself. The trigger was pulled so quickly that I didn't even realize what I had just done. I see blood everywhere, and in front of me, an honest man closing his eyes and falling to the ground. The crash was such that it looked like he weighed a ton. I don't know any of the men who were with me in that assault. It was all arranged by the 'product provider.'

Seeing the body falling, they quickly left the bank, taking everything they had achieved. But not me. I stood there with all those eyes conveying fear watching my every move. I couldn't act. I fell on my knees beside the body of the man who I had just killed. I start to hear the police sirens. I lost track of time and only woke up when I was at the police station. I was 16. I was a lost child in the world. I remained two years in juvie, where I studied and finished the high school. I did several community projects that it made me reduce the sentence I had to fulfill. But I could be there until years or even be arrested. Nothing makes me forget that sound when I pulled the trigger. I live this nightmare every single day.

I walk around the living room desperately from one side to the other. I see the bottles of vodka I have in a small bar corner of the room. I caught one of them, take it the cover out and lift the bottle up to my mouth. Without realizing it, the bottle is already half. I feel my body to fail; I can barely lift off the ground. My gaze is hopelessly lost and I laugh as if I'm watching a comedy movie.
Sometime later, I begin the second bottle. Someone knocks on the door. I try to get up, never dropping the bottle. I support myself on the couch but when I try to get up, I fall round the ground. It's as if my feet slide on the floor. The knock on the door are becoming stronger.

"Natasha!! Open the fucking door! It's me, Matt. "

"I'm coming! Take it easy. Here's a panda grabbing my legs and it doesn't let me get up. Son of a bitch! "

"WHAT?"

"I'm coming, Matt. I'm cooooming." - Finally I can get up. I walk, or rather, I try to walk towards the door, swaying from side to side and holding me in all which appear ahead. If my house was a mess, so now, believe me, is much worse. After had broken most things that made my living room, I come to the door. I open it so quickly that make me fall down. Matt runs up to me, lifting me. Seeing I'm not able to walk, he takes me in his arms and takes me to the living room couch where he lays me gently. I fix my gaze on the corner of the living room crying with laughter. - "See? Look at that panda! Go away your fuckin' jerk!"

"Natasha, what happened? What that guy did to you for you to be like that? "

"Who? This panda? Panda... hey, do you want to drink vodka with me? Yeah, that's right. But, Matt, I already told him that if he wasn't a son of a bitch, I could give him a bit but... this vodka is not enough for me so... I can't share with you, panda, I'm so sorry." - Matt looks at me with a disappointed look, smiling sadly while petting my head and touching my hair. He says nothing and I look at him, this time without laugh. Even being drunk, I have the awareness of what happened and look at Matt reminds me all over again. I look away and staring at the ceiling. I feel my eyes fill with tears and in my mind appear several pictures of that moment. That moment when I pulled the trigger. I turn suddenly embracing Matt strongly, grabbing his shirt, and hiding my face in his chest. - "I didn't want to do that. I didn't want it. I killed him, Matt. I killed him!"

"What? Are you talking about who?"

"That man in the bank... he did me no harm. They forced me, Matt. it was them! It was they who forced me to kill him."

"When that happened, Natasha?"

"It was four years ago. I was just a kid, how was I able to do that, Matt?" - I expect an answer from him but he says nothing. His hands, that before gripped me against his chest, begin to lose strength. Hardly, I feel his touch or his body. I try to control the attack of crying I'm having. My breathing is calming slowly and I start to wean myself from him. I stare in his eyes and I notice he's pale and motionless. He looks at me by mere seconds and looks away, grabbing the bottle of vodka I had already started and he starts drinking a good bit of it.

"What were you doing on that bank?"

"I was doing an assault with two other guys. I don't know who they were... Just the supplier was common..."

"And... did you get away?"

"I don't kill that man... when they left the bank, taking everything, I have been unable. The police caught me."

"It can't be..."

"Huh?" - Matt doesn't answer me back and pick up the bottle and drink some more vodka. I don't care about his attitude because the panda doesn't let me go and keeps asking me for vodka. I fight with it for some few minutes while Matt walks in circles around the living room dumping the rest of the bottle. I feel my body to weaken more and my eyes grow heavy, closing little by little until I end up falling asleep.

***

I wake up the next day around 1pm. I can't believe I got to sleep so much. I get up slowly from the couch and I notice I have a blanket around me. I can barely open my eyes or move my head. I feel my forehead boiling and my head is exploding. I look around me and to my amazement I see a new home: everything is in place, there is no clothes on the floor and the floor was so bright like a diamond. I get up from the couch and walk, though with a lot of pain throughout the body, into the kitchen. Interestingly, the kitchen also seems another one. I have dry mouth and even drinking more water it seems dry as in the desert. But it's not matter right now. I'm going up to the bedroom and face the same scenario. My bedroom is spotless.

For a moment I think I probably spent days and not hours sleeping. But, unfortunately, alcohol didn't erase any of lived memories. I remember everything. But... where is Matt? I look for him over the house but he's not here. I look for him several times in different rooms of the house but he left no trace. I can't think right now, neither even I try. I feel weak, increasingly tired. I have no desire to do anything, much less to go to school, but as I missed all the morning of classes, and I will make an effort.

After taking a long bath and drinking a very strong coffee, I go to the college. I'll have classes with Professor Baker but this time I just hope I won't find Professor Haner. I'm currently at the door of the college. I'm just smoking a cigarette and then I'll enter. I confess that... well, I don't want to find Professor Haner but... I want to see him. This moment is all I want to: see him. I don't need to talk to him; I don't need to hear him or touching him. I just want to see him. I don't know why but I have this need at this moment. It's like he can clean all the bad memories of my head. He did wake them up but, the true is he made ​​me face him otherwise and just seeing him gives me the strength I need right now.

I walk through the halls looking everywhere waiting for my eyes to find what I need. I don't even notice that people look at me like they always do. It's seems it doesn't matter anymore. I already walk for three runners and... Nothing. I feel emptiness inside me and I look down as if I had given up. I enter the hallway where my room is. My eyes, looking at the ground once, look forward now. I don't smile with my lips but with my eyes when I see Professor Haner even down the hall talking with Professor Haner. I walk unconsciously to him. My eyes focus on just that man. My eyes run through every detail of his body, his clothes, his strong arms, the way he combs his hair, the way his mouth moves when he talks, his shy smile but yet so lovely, how he scratches his face when he feels nervous.

There is something about him that always fascinated me but only now I understand. I'm happy and I feel accomplished. I've seen him. This is enough for me. I try to quietly enter the classroom without him noticing but as always, nothing goes as expected.

"Natasha!" - The voice of Professor Baker makes me turn slowly to face him. But when I turn, my eyes don't find Professor Baker, but the eyes of Professor Haner. He smiled, looking at me intently for a second and looks away in the next second. His shy way of being makes me tremble inside and I feel a bit weird about it. "I'm glad you're here early."

"Can I help you?"

"I spoke with Professor Haner few days ago and we've been thinking about this. We are thinking about doing a project on the impact of American culture in the world and how the United States became, in a sense, a world that is completely different from the rest of the planet. And as you are doing some research with this for your search to end of the course..."

"But I'm only at the end of the degree... it looks like a final protect to a master's degree."

"Yes, you're right... but isn’t this in what you're working about?"

"Yes, but..."

"So I'll count on you. After class I'll explain you better in what will be this project. Well, we have to go. Brian, see you after classes?"- Professor Baker asks, putting an arm around the shoulders of Brian and tapping gently on his chest. Brian says nothing for a few seconds. He looks at me as if he's hypnotized. He doesn't smile, he doesn't move. He looks at me such an intensity that makes me feel uncomfortable... no, I'm not bothered by it. I'm feeling everything less discomfort.

"Huh?"

"See you after school? For the academic meeting? "

"Oh! Yes, of course. "

"So, see you later." - Teacher Baker says goodbye to Professor Haner with a handshake and approaches me, smiling and letting me being the first to enter the classroom. I feel an overwhelming desire to look back. A strong desire to look at Professor Haner just one more time but I can't. Shame seizes me and I can't show anything. Neither happiness nor anguish, nothing. I enter the room and walk quickly to the bottom of the room. I sit and take my books out of my bag, along with my phone to go controlling the time. Minutes later, the class begins.

Professor Baker is excited as always and this time his "relationship" with their dear students is on the rise but even so he doesn't stop looking at me several times during the class and smiles quietly trying to tell me something i'm not able to understand. Every time I look at the clock, only a minute had passed even if it seems that I'm half an hour without checking the time. I feel my body becoming heavy but at the same time very weak and I can't grasp anything that Professor is saying. I feel chills and hot flashes running throughout my body and I have some difficulty breathing. My stomach hurts. Anytime I'll throw up. I don't know what because I don't eat anything since yesterday morning. I begin to see everything spinning and it becomes increasingly difficult to be seated and locked in this classroom. My hands are cold as an ice cube but I feel them wet. I cross my arms and rub them with my hands trying to warm me but these sweats are so annoying that I just want to undress me.

"Natasha? Are you feeling okay? You are so pale." - Professor Baker approaching me, almost running, placing a hand on my shoulder and the other on my forehead as if he's checking my temperature. My eyes look up to look at Professor Baker but the headaches are so strong that hinders me throughout the process. I feel my body to weaken gradually and now I can no longer keep me upright.

***

"Natasha? Yes, open up the eyes. Try to keep you conscious, okay?"

"Where am I?"

"You're in the hospital. How do you feel?"

"Who are you?"

"I'm a doctor. My name is Jonathan. But you can call me Johnny. Or rather, Mr. Dr. Johnny!"

"Johnny?"

"Johnny Sewards. Nice to meet you too. I'm sorry, I'm talking with all this quickness but I'm trying to..."

"Johnny Sewards?"

"Well... yes... that's my name."

"You know who I am?"

"Huh? Sorry I didn't realize what you said. You're talking so quietly... I can't understand you."

"You know who I am?"

"Of course I know who you are. For that reason I stole you from my colleague. It wasn't to be me who should be here."