Toxic

"You never let me do anything that I want to do, you're the worst parent ever!" I screamed, immediately regretting it as I saw the pain wash across my mother's face.

"You know what Violet, go to that party I don't care. Do what you want, you always do anyway" she retaliated, her pained expression gone and the stone cold poker face was staring back at me.

"Fine, I will!" I screamed before slamming the front door behind me, Dustin was waiting for me on his motorcycle on the road in front of my house and I walked briskly toward him.

"Don't come home tonight Violet! I don't think I can stand to look at you!" She screamed as the front door flew open again.

I didn't turn around, but slid onto the motercycle that was my ride to the party. As we rode off into the night I allowed the anger to melt away, I'd fix it all tomorrow.

But tomorrow never came.

Violet gasped, sitting up in bed once she realized that she was dreaming. Her heart was racing at the memory that had manifested itself in her dream, taunting her for getting drunk last night. Just like last night, the night she dreamt of was one where she had gone to a party and gotten inexcusably drunk. Unlike last night though, that night had marked the worst night of her entire life. A night she would never forgive herself for.

But what did happen last night? Suddenly realizing she didn't remember coming home Violet's heart raced even faster if that was even possible. She squeezed her eyes shut, opening them to find a concerned looking Alex staring at her from where he was lying in her bed.

"Violet?" he asked wearily, "I uh... are you okay?"

Violet felt as though no words could pass through her lips. She was so utterly confused she wanted to squeeze her eyes shut again and see if she was still dreaming.

Alex felt a wave of anxiety rush over him at the sight of his friends sister who had just woke up gasping for air. The look on her face was hard to read, it seemed like a mixture of pain, confusion and something else all wrapped into one.

"You don't remember last night do you?" he asked calmly, sitting up and turning to face Violet.

She silently shook her head, confusion obviously consuming her.

"How do you know Austin Herrings?" he blurted out angrily, not intending to put that much menace into pronouncing his name.

"I.. I sit with him at lunch sometimes, why?" she responded slowly, oblivious to what she was about to hear next.

"He fucking drugged you Violet, Elizabeth and him did it so you'd make a fool of yourself in front of everyone" he replied, sadness touching his entire face.

"No" Violet replied shaking her head, "Alex you're lying, that can't have happened to me"

"I'm sorry Vi" he said grabbing her hand, "I promise though it was fine, if anything they looked like the idiots. They gave you sleeping pills and you fell and hit your head,"

"You were there, you found me on the floor.." Violet trailed off, remembering a small snippet of the night before. Tears threatened to spill out from her eyes as she felt like her chest was being crushed.

"Hey" Alex said, pulling her into his chest, "Everything's fine I promise, I didn't want you to wake up here alone so I stayed here with you last night. I hope you don't mind."

She just shook her head and allowed herself to cry, there was nothing she could do to stop it. After a few minutes Alex swept her hair away from her face and brushed a few stray tears from her cheeks.

"Rian and Zack were throwing up all the way home so I should go check on them and see how they're doing."

Violet nodded and pulled herself away from Alex, heading for the bathroom. She shivered as she entered the cold bathroom. Looking at herself in the mirror she was filled with an overwhelming sense of grief, it was all too much to handle. The dream had surfaced memories, feelings that she'd been trying so hard to push down.

But at the end of the day she was responsible for her mother's death that night, it was her fault she'd called her mother drunk, at 3 am begging for her to come and pick her up from the party. It was her fault her mom had never arrived because she'd been hit by a drunk driver instead. Dead. She was dead and it was all her fault and there was no way she could fix it now.

Violet hastily pulled her box of Razor blades from the back of one of her droors, opening it to reveal the sharp silver pieces of metal. It could all be over now, one long slice lengthways down her forearm and a hot bath and no one would have to worry about her again. She wouldn't have to push down the guilt that consumed her every day, she could just let the darkness take her and it would all be over. She pushed the corner of the blade into the skin on her wrist. She'd never cut there before, it would be too obvious to the outside world that she was mutilating herself. Punishing herself for everything that she had ruined.

What did it matter though, it wasn't like people couldn't tell she was messed up, living everyday in a pain that never seemed to go away, not even for a second. She pushed harder this time until the familiar pain shot through her body, temporarily distracting her mind from everything else.

One, two, three drops of blood spotted the sink, standing out against the contrast of the white porcelain. Violet could feel her head spinning and her vision starting to blacken. The razor fell into the sink and Violet looked up into the mirror, catching a glimpse at the person she hated the most before everything went dark.

--

"Violet?! Violet are you in there? Open the door!" Violet opened her eyes to the sound of her brother pounding on the door.

Assessing the situation, she realized there wasn't that much blood, she hadn't gone very deep. The mark she had created ran from the inside of her wrist jaggedly toward the other side and down in a diagonal line.

"Violet!" Rian called again.

"Yeah give me one second!" she called frantically, not wanting him to see what had happened.

Quickly getting to her feet she threw a towel down on the floor where some blood had dried and she yanked the sleeve of her hoody down over her wrist. Opening the door she saw her brother sitting over on her bed, waiting for her exit.

"You look like shit" she said, noticing how hungover the kid looked, walking to sit at her desk chair.

He calculated her appearance too, she looked a lot paler than usual but decided that it must have been an aftermath of the alcohol.

"Alex told you about last night?" he asked quickly, ignoring her attempt at small talk.

She just nodded but Rian noticed the hurt look wash over her face momentarily. It made him sad that people could be so cruel, especially to someone who deserved none of it.

"Rian it's fine, I'll survive" she replied, trying her hardest to pull off the reassuring smile she was trying to calm him with. She didn't want anyone spending any time worrying about her, she didn't deserve anyone's compassion.

"I just don't even know what to do" Rian said, sighing.

"We do nothing" Violet said simply, "There's nothing we can do, so we do nothing. Try and live life normally. I'll ignore them but you guys should continue on with everyone like you always have, everything was fine before I got here anyway.

"I can't even look at them" Rian said standing up, "No way."

Violet was having a hard time concentrating on the conversation, her head was spinning as she tried to figure out how long she'd been passed out but she didn't know what time she'd woken up from sleeping. It was about noon right now, so it couldn't have been that long.

"All of the guys went home except Alex, I think he wants to talk to you" Rian said, crossing the room to put a firm hand on her shoulder before walking out and back up the stairs to the main level.

Violet quickly changed into a pair of sweat pants and a long sleeved black tee shirt. Climbing the stairs she found Alex sitting alone in the living room, perched on the floor with his back leaned up against the couch.

"Hey" she said, walking over to join him where he was seated on the floor, pulling her legs up tight to her chest.

"Hey" he replied, "I stuck around because I just wanted to tell you something," he said, fumbling slightly on his words.

Violet stayed silent, waiting for him to continue.

"I just want you to know that you aren't alone in this, this whole thing sucks but you're not alone" he finished, staring at his hands.

Even though he was telling her he'd be the one who was there for her, something in him ached for her to be there for him too.

"Thanks Alex" she replied softly before he squeezed her hand and left out the side door.