Toxic

As it always does, life continued, never stopping for any one, no matter what the circumstance.

As Alex walked to Rian's house the autumn breeze made him shiver. The grey coloured beanie and hoodie did nothing to protect him from the cold and he wished he'd taken his mom up on the ride she had offered him.

He felt like clearing his head though, the last 2 months had been a whirlwind of foreign emotions and he had days where he wasn't able to concentrate, too wrapped up in the world around him. The band had been playing small shows around Baltimore and places just outside the city, which was amazing no doubt.

Things were going well, but there was one thing in particular that was always consuming his thoughts. One person to be specific. He couldn't crack her, couldn't figure out the hot tempered stubborn Violet Dawson as much as he had wanted to. After the party the first week of school she completely disconnected, almost as if she'd built up walls so strong the good couldn't even touch her. He hardly ever saw her happy anymore, and he'd reached out to her more times than he could count. She reminded him of himself in the way that she smiled at everything around her as if nothing was wrong, when he knew it wasn't the truth.

It was a saturday afternoon and Alex's parent's were having guests over, leaving Alex to his own devices. He had fallen victim to severe boredom, not even video games were able to hold his attention. He decided to take a shortcut through the park, one long abandoned by children in the neighbourhood. It was an old playground that the city never bothered to have fixed up, and it wasn't exactly the type of place parents really wanted to take their young kids.

Alex's eyes scanned the park as he came through the catwalk, landing on a figure that was sitting on the climber faced away from him. It was a girl no question, and as he neared the jungle gym he had no doubt it was Violet perched up there, oblivious to the fact he was coming up behind her.

When his feet hit the gravel that surrounded the old climber she immediately jumped,

"Geez Lex" she said with a sigh as she realized who it was, "You scared me half to death,"

"Hey Violet" he said, "Mind if I join?" he asked, climbing the rickety ladder up to the platform where she sat. She scooted over with a nod, making room so he could hang his legs off the edge like her.

She was wearing a thin, navy blue long sleeved shirt and a pair of grey skinny jeans, her skin pale white from the cold breeze that blew through the park.

"What are you doing out here without a sweater?" Alex asked with a raised eyebrow, "Its almost the end of October.."

She just shrugged, "What brings you out here, Gaskarth?" she replied, answering his question with a question.

"I was coming over to your place to see if Rian wanted to hang" he replied, glancing up at her.

"He's hanging out with that girl from school, what's her name.. Anna?"

"Andrea?"

"Yeah her, they're watching a movie or something in the basement" she replied scrunching up her face.

Alex just laughed, "Ew, did they kick you out?"

"No, I was more than willing to leave" she replied with a smirk.

They sat together in comfortable silence for a while, taking in the depressing scenery of the beat up old park they were in.

"Do you ever wonder what other people's lives would be like if you were never born?" Violet asked after a few minutes, breaking the silence between them.

"What?" Alex replied, taken off gaurd.

"You know, what the people in your life would be doing if they never knew you."

"I gues I haven't no.." Alex trailed off, turning to measure the look on Violet's face. Her expression was pretty blank, he couldn't read her enough to know what she was actually thinking. "Do you ever wonder how much the people in your life would miss you if you suddenly weren't there?" Alex countered.

"If they never knew you than it doesn't count" she replied, still staring down at her hands.

"Then I guess they would go on with their lives never having known you" he replied steadily, "which would be very unfortunate for them if this is you we're taking about," he added.

She just laughed, not an amused laugh, but one that filled Alex with sadness.

"Most days I feel like a lot of people would be better off if they never knew me" she replied, the expression on her face was still blank.

"Like who?" Alex blurted out,

"My mom for starters" she replied quickly, "Rian probably, my dad for su--"

"Stop" Alex said harshly, "That's not true"

"It is though, you know that my mom wouldn't be dead if it wasn't for me right? Did Rian tell you that?"

Alex was shocked that she came out with it so freely, as if he just had to say the right thing and a crack in her armour had appeared.

"You can't be blaming yourself for that Violet,"

"She came to pick me up one night at a party. I had gotten into a fight with some stupid kid and I called her at 3 am, drunk, to come and pick me up. She never made it because a drunk driver killed her before she'd even gotten off our street."

"It's not your fault that someone was stupid enough to get behind the wheel while they were drunk" Alex replied, his heart sinking at how much she truly believed she was at fault.

"But it is my fault that she was even out on the road at that time, it's my fault she died."

Alex took a deep breath but suddenly words were flowing out of his mouth faster than he had time to think about them.

"Sometimes life works in shitty ways Violet, it was shitty that you're mom was in the wrong place at the wrong time but it wasn't your fault. You didn't have any idea that was going to happen, you didn't cause that accident. I know how you feel believe it or not, I know what it's like to loose someone and blame yourself every day. My brother took himself out of the world and I've spent every day wondering if I'd had said something to him that would stop him from being sad, if I'd been a better brother or noticed the signs that I could have helped him, but you can't turn back the clock."

Alex hadn't realized that he had teared up until a teary eyed Violet lifted a hand to his cheek, sweeping away a tear with her thumb. Their eyes met and in Alex noticed her tough guise had fallen, pain, sympathy, and sadness had washed over her face now but it was only a second before he'd pulled her into a tight hug. She wrapped her arms tightly around his neck, and they sat there, unwilling to let go. All Alex had wanted since the moment he met her was for her to trust him, to feel like she had someone she could hug like this when she felt like everything was falling apart around her.

He knew it was what he needed when he felt that way, but it was hard to find someone who really understood.

"Hey do you want to go and get some food or something?" Alex said, breaking away from their hug at the sound of his growling stomach.

"Sure" she replied with a nod. Alex went to hop off the side of the climber, landing on his feet with a thud. Violet followed suit, jumping from the platform where they'd been sitting but ungracefully fell on her butt. Alex leaned over to help her up from the ground but Violet flinched as his hand slid up her wrist to her hand.

"What's wrong?" Alex asked, pulling her to her feet and moving her sleeve to examine her wrist. She yanked it away from him, her eyes wide. He pulled her arm back, forcing her to let him see it.

"Alex" she said, pulling her arm away from him again as his eyes followed the few red lines across her arm. She was worried he was going to yell at her, tell her she was stupid for doing it but instead his eyes filled with sorrow and he pulled her in for another hug.

She was surprised, but she hugged him back, feeling for the first time in months a little less numb and a little more hopeful.

"Violet you need to be kind to yourself" Alex said, releasing her form his hug and winding his little finger with hers, "Pinkey promise me the next time you want to hurt yourself you call me instead."

Violet stared back at him shocked, anxiety washing over her body. She'd never even thought about stopping before now, what if she couldn't keep this promise?

"I uh," she stuttered, but something about the way he was looking at her made it impossible to refuse, "I pinkey promise,"

"Good. How about that food then?" he replied with a smile, pulling her out from the climber and back on the path. They walked down the catwalk and out onto the street, turning down a few more streets until they reached a small grocery store and decided to take some stuff back to Alex's house.

They wandered aimlessly around the store and ended up with a few packets of ramen and a tub of peanut butter brownie ice cream.

Alex pulled out his debit card before Violet had a chance to dig through her pockets for some change. He just waved her hands away,

"My treat" he said, punching his pin number into the debit machine. She rolled her eyes at him and picked up the plastic bag, turning just in time to see Austin stroll through the front doors of the store.

Violet felt her cheeks flush as she realized who it was, but quickly shifter her gaze and waited as the cashier printed out their receipt.

"Everything okay?" Alex asked, puzzled by her frantic expression.

"Yeah fine, let's just go" she urged as he took the receipt from the lady. The pair walked quickly out of the grocery store and were hit with a cold gust of air. The sun had set giving the wind an even colder edge. Violet shivered though her thin long sleeved shirt, wrapping her arms tightly around herself.

"Here take this" Alex said, unzipping his hoodie.

"No no Alex don't be stupid you only have a tee shirt under there, I'll be fine" she replied, giving him a reassuring smile.

By the time they got to Alex's Violet's teeth were chattering. Alex lead her around the back of the house were there was a back door to the kitchen. He told her that his parent's were having some guests over but they'd be in the front living and dining room, this way they wouldn't have to awkwardly walk through the dinner party going on.

"Nice house" Violet said, gladly stepping into the warm kitchen and setting the grocery bag down on the counter.

"Thanks" Alex said, coming up behind her and rubbing his hands up and down her arms to warm her up.

"I'm starving" she replied, turning to face him.

"Ramen it is!" he cheered, filling the kettle with water from the tap and setting it on the stove.

"So you never did tell me where you lived before you arrived in the lovely Baltimore" Alex asked,

"DC, so not too far from here" Violet replied with a smile. She had some fond memories of living in the Nations Capital.

"That's sick, me and the guys actually have a show coming up there in a few weeks. You should come."

"Maybe" she replied, "Where is it?"

"Some bar called the Groove Deck" Alex replied, looking over at Violet who was leaning up against the counter behind him.

"Yeah I know where that is, cool place!"

"I think everyone's pretty pumped" Alex smiled back, the kettle finally coming to a boil. He carefully poured the steaming hot water into each of their instant ramen cups. Violet picked hers up as if to try and draw as much warmth out of it as she could.

"DC is the best city" Violet replied with a sigh, "But Baltimore is pretty cool too" half smiling she kicked Alex's leg playfully.

"You better watch it, B-more is the best" Alex fought back, shoving her arm lightly.

"Pass me a fork would you?" Violet laughed, satisfied enough with how cooked her noodles were.

"So demanding" Alex rolled his eyes, pulling two forks from the kitchen droor.

They spent the next hour sitting on the kitchen floor eating ramen and ice cream, laughing about stupid things. For that brief hour Violet forgot what it was like to constantly feel like the world was crumbling down around her and Alex forgot the last time he's seen someone with a smile as captivating as hers.