Status: one-shot
I Tried to Live Without You
1/1
Zacky's POV
That was when my world came crashing down right around me. I didn't believe it, I didn't want to believe it. All I kept telling myself was that it was a lie. That what I was hearing wasn't true. That somehow, everything that was happening then, was only a joke. I was in denial. I laughed it off and blocked out everything that told me it was true.
It all hit me when I saw the casket being lowered to the ground, slowly. It really sinks in to see your best friend, your brother, being lowered to the ground, to be buried. It really sinks in when you see it in stone. That was the time when my life began going downhill.
I started to drink my sorrows away, not talk at all, not eat at all, not sleep at all. I was a soulless body, to be honest. I had no purpose in living anymore. The only person who could make me laugh no matter what, was gone, and all I could think of was why. Why did you have to take Jimmy away? WHy did you have to put our lives into complete sorrow?
The guys still try to get me to talk, and they just don't understand that I won't ever talk again. I know, I'm selfish. The guys are suffering too, it's not only me, obviously. I am just probably the most selfish bastard they have ever talked to, but they never gave up on me. They kept trying and trying, to make me smile, laugh, talk, eat, anything. But I always couldn't do it.
The thing is, they will never have to try again, 'cause I will be out of their hair soon. Well, in a couple of minutes, in fact. I have the pills, I have the razor, I have the alcohol. Nothing's gonna stop me now. I will soon see the crystal blue eyes of my best friend again. I will soon be gone from this earth and be happy with Jimmy again.
Just the thought of it makes me all fluttery inside, and for the first time since he went away, I smiled, genuinely. I could still hear the guys talking downstairs, laughing sometimes, not remembering me. That's the way I want it to be. For them to forget me for awhile to let me do this without any distractions or disturbance.
I reached out to the bottle of pills, and drank it slowly, one by one, savoring the taste of death. I sighed contently and reached for the razor. I pressed it against my skin, feeling my skin get tingly with excitement, and dragged it along my vein. I smiled and laid down on my bed, closing my eyes, waiting for the effects to turn up.
I opened my eyes and the world was spinning slightly, and I smiled, knowing that in a couple of minutes, or even seconds, I would be able to see my best friend. The world was spinning more and more, and I could hear footsteps.
My heart raced and I couldn't help but wish this would kick in faster before that someone catches me. I could feel myself getting lighter, like a feather, but heavy at the same time, as if I was pulled down by heavy rocks. I heard my bedroom door open, and I heard a gasp. I heard a scream and I felt myself getting shook.
"Zacky, Zacky, can you hear me?" I heard the soft voice of Brian say frantically. I could only stare at him dizzily and smile softly. "No, no, no, no. You'll be okay." I feel myself getting lifted up and all I could do was lull my head back and close my eyes. "Fuck! Stay with me, please. I can't bear to lose another one of my best friends. Please." Brian pleaded, but I couldn't talk.
I opened my eyes a bit, and I could see the painful stares of my friends, and I was struck with guilt that surged through my veins like a lightning bolt. How could I? All this time, they've been so strong, and this is how I repay them? I felt a tear fall down my cheek as everything started to get more quiet; it was peaceful, very peaceful.
I looked at them for one last time and closed my eyes, letting the black of nothingness take over my body.
Brian's POV
I cradle my head in my hands, waiting for any news about Zacky. Why is this happening to me? To us? I was lucky I had a bad feeling in my gut that told me to check up on Zacky, or else, we would've lost another member of our family. I looked to my side and they were all as distraught as I was. We all knew he had been suffering these past few months, but not until he wanted to take his own life.
He never makes a noise, not ever. He never laughs, he never shouts, he never cries. he never talked anymore. If we scared him, he would only turn to us and stare at us with a blank stare, dull and emotionless. If we tried to tickle him, he would take it and stay quiet, and let me tell you, he is really ticklish. It would be impossible if he suddenly wasn't anymore.
And the thing I hate the most is when he cries. It's the most painful thing to ever see. He would just stare blankly, straight ahead, and he would let the tears fall, without any noise. It was heartbreaking to see. The last time we heard him talk was when he was sobbing his little heart out during after the funeral.
"Zachary Baker?" A voice called out, and we all stood up in an instant, walking towards the doctor.
"Is he okay?" Johnny was the first one to talk, his voice laced with pain and worry.
"Yes, yes he is, don't worry about it. We almost lost him a few times but we were able to take the pills out of his system and wrap him up. Now, the bad news is, he has not woken up yet. He's in a coma, and we don't know how long he will be in it. It will last at least a week, but we don't know exactly how long he would be in a comatose state. My apologies." The doctor gave us an apologetic smile and led us to his room.
He looked so fragile. He was so skinny, very bony. He looked really pale, paler than usual. He looked peaceful, too peaceful, even. He looked so dead. I offered the doctor a small nod and a small smile, before walking in and sitting beside him, holding his hand, wishing he would just open his eyes already.
3 years later...
I was still visiting Zacky for the last couple of years. I have been staying by his side for as long as I could remember, and Matt and Johnny was starting to get worried that I would do something like him, but I won't. I promised them, and besides, life is too beautiful to give up.
I held his hand and gave it a light peck, closing my eyes as I felt tears build up. I opened my eyes and stared at him.
"Please, please, wake up. Wake up." I whispered, but got no reply, just as always. I sighed and closed my eyes, letting myself slip into dreamland.
I felt a gentle squeeze in my hand and I immediately woke up, looking at Zacky. Did I just imagine that or was it real? I sighed and closed my eyes again, then I felt another squeeze. I gasped and looked at him hopefully, holding onto his hand tightly.
Zacky's POV
I opened my eyes and saw a blinding light. Did I really succeed? I smiled and adjusted to the light. I can see white walls, heart monitors, chairs- Wait, what? Heart monitors? My smile fell as I looked around, I was in a hospital. I felt my heart drop. I sighed sadly and felt something on my hand that I didn't notice before.
I looked down and saw a familiar tattooed hand. No, please. Not him. Anyone but him. I disappointed him. I don't want to see him. I felt his finger underneath my chin and he lifted my head up. Our eyes met and my heart fluttered. He grinned and cried tears of joy, hugging me tightly.
"I thought I lost you." He whispered as he hugged me, but I didn't hug back. He pulled away and gave me a questioning look, but I only looked down. "What's wrong?" He asked, but I shook my head.
"I'm sorry." I said in a quiet voice, barely a whisper.
"No, no, it's okay. You don't have to be sorry." Brian smiled, holding my hand a little tighter.
"I don't want to be here." I mumbled, still not looking at him.
"Why?" He asked, his voice full of pain.
"I don't want to hurt you anymore." I said, feeling tears fall out of my eyes. "I don't want you guys to waste your time on me. I don't want to be the 'friend' that holds you back from having fun. I don't want to be a burden in your lives. I just want you guys to be happy when I'm out of the picture. I just want you guys to feel like you don't have to pretend to like me anymore. I just want to be out of the picture so you guys can be happy." I said, not looking up.
"Look at me." He ordered softly, I shook my head. He put his finger under my chin again and lifted up my head, so I was facing him, but I closed my eyes. "Open your eyes, please." He said as he cupped my cheek, brushing his thumb across it. I sighed and gave in, looking into his eyes. "You're not any of those things you said, I promise. We love you, and we'll always be by your side, trying to make you feel better." I shook my head and looked down, only to have my face lifted up again and held there.
"I don't want you to pretend anymore. It's okay, I know. I know that none of you like me. It's okay, I promise. You can go and forget about me. I'll be okay, trust me." I gave him a soft smile and he shook his head.
"Who told you that? We love you, Zack. We really do. We're not pretending."
"I don't want to hurt you anymore, Brian. You can save yourself now before it's too late."
"I don't want to save myself. I want to save you." He pointed at me, making me sigh.
"I'm not worth it."
"You are, trust me." He nodded, kissing my hand. A comfortable silence fell over us, before I decided to break it.
"I tried." I said.
"What?" He asked.
"I tried to live, trust me, but I couldn't do it. i couldn't do it without him. I can't go through this." I explained. I feel like crying.
"Then we'll get through this together, I promise." He caressed my face and leaned closer. I could feel his breath brush against my face, and I blushed.
He leaned in and closed the gap between us. I closed my eyes and moved our lips in sync. I put one hand on his shoulder and the other on the side of his neck, holding him closer. He put his hands on my waist and I smiled into the kiss, before pulling away. I bit on my bottom lip and looked at him, hiding behind my bangs and lashes, blushing.
He smiled and pecked me constantly, before kissing me all over my face, making me giggle at the feeling. He gave me a loving smile and a loving kiss, and that's when I finally realized that everything is going to be okay.
That was when my world came crashing down right around me. I didn't believe it, I didn't want to believe it. All I kept telling myself was that it was a lie. That what I was hearing wasn't true. That somehow, everything that was happening then, was only a joke. I was in denial. I laughed it off and blocked out everything that told me it was true.
It all hit me when I saw the casket being lowered to the ground, slowly. It really sinks in to see your best friend, your brother, being lowered to the ground, to be buried. It really sinks in when you see it in stone. That was the time when my life began going downhill.
I started to drink my sorrows away, not talk at all, not eat at all, not sleep at all. I was a soulless body, to be honest. I had no purpose in living anymore. The only person who could make me laugh no matter what, was gone, and all I could think of was why. Why did you have to take Jimmy away? WHy did you have to put our lives into complete sorrow?
The guys still try to get me to talk, and they just don't understand that I won't ever talk again. I know, I'm selfish. The guys are suffering too, it's not only me, obviously. I am just probably the most selfish bastard they have ever talked to, but they never gave up on me. They kept trying and trying, to make me smile, laugh, talk, eat, anything. But I always couldn't do it.
The thing is, they will never have to try again, 'cause I will be out of their hair soon. Well, in a couple of minutes, in fact. I have the pills, I have the razor, I have the alcohol. Nothing's gonna stop me now. I will soon see the crystal blue eyes of my best friend again. I will soon be gone from this earth and be happy with Jimmy again.
Just the thought of it makes me all fluttery inside, and for the first time since he went away, I smiled, genuinely. I could still hear the guys talking downstairs, laughing sometimes, not remembering me. That's the way I want it to be. For them to forget me for awhile to let me do this without any distractions or disturbance.
I reached out to the bottle of pills, and drank it slowly, one by one, savoring the taste of death. I sighed contently and reached for the razor. I pressed it against my skin, feeling my skin get tingly with excitement, and dragged it along my vein. I smiled and laid down on my bed, closing my eyes, waiting for the effects to turn up.
I opened my eyes and the world was spinning slightly, and I smiled, knowing that in a couple of minutes, or even seconds, I would be able to see my best friend. The world was spinning more and more, and I could hear footsteps.
My heart raced and I couldn't help but wish this would kick in faster before that someone catches me. I could feel myself getting lighter, like a feather, but heavy at the same time, as if I was pulled down by heavy rocks. I heard my bedroom door open, and I heard a gasp. I heard a scream and I felt myself getting shook.
"Zacky, Zacky, can you hear me?" I heard the soft voice of Brian say frantically. I could only stare at him dizzily and smile softly. "No, no, no, no. You'll be okay." I feel myself getting lifted up and all I could do was lull my head back and close my eyes. "Fuck! Stay with me, please. I can't bear to lose another one of my best friends. Please." Brian pleaded, but I couldn't talk.
I opened my eyes a bit, and I could see the painful stares of my friends, and I was struck with guilt that surged through my veins like a lightning bolt. How could I? All this time, they've been so strong, and this is how I repay them? I felt a tear fall down my cheek as everything started to get more quiet; it was peaceful, very peaceful.
I looked at them for one last time and closed my eyes, letting the black of nothingness take over my body.
Brian's POV
I cradle my head in my hands, waiting for any news about Zacky. Why is this happening to me? To us? I was lucky I had a bad feeling in my gut that told me to check up on Zacky, or else, we would've lost another member of our family. I looked to my side and they were all as distraught as I was. We all knew he had been suffering these past few months, but not until he wanted to take his own life.
He never makes a noise, not ever. He never laughs, he never shouts, he never cries. he never talked anymore. If we scared him, he would only turn to us and stare at us with a blank stare, dull and emotionless. If we tried to tickle him, he would take it and stay quiet, and let me tell you, he is really ticklish. It would be impossible if he suddenly wasn't anymore.
And the thing I hate the most is when he cries. It's the most painful thing to ever see. He would just stare blankly, straight ahead, and he would let the tears fall, without any noise. It was heartbreaking to see. The last time we heard him talk was when he was sobbing his little heart out during after the funeral.
"Zachary Baker?" A voice called out, and we all stood up in an instant, walking towards the doctor.
"Is he okay?" Johnny was the first one to talk, his voice laced with pain and worry.
"Yes, yes he is, don't worry about it. We almost lost him a few times but we were able to take the pills out of his system and wrap him up. Now, the bad news is, he has not woken up yet. He's in a coma, and we don't know how long he will be in it. It will last at least a week, but we don't know exactly how long he would be in a comatose state. My apologies." The doctor gave us an apologetic smile and led us to his room.
He looked so fragile. He was so skinny, very bony. He looked really pale, paler than usual. He looked peaceful, too peaceful, even. He looked so dead. I offered the doctor a small nod and a small smile, before walking in and sitting beside him, holding his hand, wishing he would just open his eyes already.
3 years later...
I was still visiting Zacky for the last couple of years. I have been staying by his side for as long as I could remember, and Matt and Johnny was starting to get worried that I would do something like him, but I won't. I promised them, and besides, life is too beautiful to give up.
I held his hand and gave it a light peck, closing my eyes as I felt tears build up. I opened my eyes and stared at him.
"Please, please, wake up. Wake up." I whispered, but got no reply, just as always. I sighed and closed my eyes, letting myself slip into dreamland.
I felt a gentle squeeze in my hand and I immediately woke up, looking at Zacky. Did I just imagine that or was it real? I sighed and closed my eyes again, then I felt another squeeze. I gasped and looked at him hopefully, holding onto his hand tightly.
Zacky's POV
I opened my eyes and saw a blinding light. Did I really succeed? I smiled and adjusted to the light. I can see white walls, heart monitors, chairs- Wait, what? Heart monitors? My smile fell as I looked around, I was in a hospital. I felt my heart drop. I sighed sadly and felt something on my hand that I didn't notice before.
I looked down and saw a familiar tattooed hand. No, please. Not him. Anyone but him. I disappointed him. I don't want to see him. I felt his finger underneath my chin and he lifted my head up. Our eyes met and my heart fluttered. He grinned and cried tears of joy, hugging me tightly.
"I thought I lost you." He whispered as he hugged me, but I didn't hug back. He pulled away and gave me a questioning look, but I only looked down. "What's wrong?" He asked, but I shook my head.
"I'm sorry." I said in a quiet voice, barely a whisper.
"No, no, it's okay. You don't have to be sorry." Brian smiled, holding my hand a little tighter.
"I don't want to be here." I mumbled, still not looking at him.
"Why?" He asked, his voice full of pain.
"I don't want to hurt you anymore." I said, feeling tears fall out of my eyes. "I don't want you guys to waste your time on me. I don't want to be the 'friend' that holds you back from having fun. I don't want to be a burden in your lives. I just want you guys to be happy when I'm out of the picture. I just want you guys to feel like you don't have to pretend to like me anymore. I just want to be out of the picture so you guys can be happy." I said, not looking up.
"Look at me." He ordered softly, I shook my head. He put his finger under my chin again and lifted up my head, so I was facing him, but I closed my eyes. "Open your eyes, please." He said as he cupped my cheek, brushing his thumb across it. I sighed and gave in, looking into his eyes. "You're not any of those things you said, I promise. We love you, and we'll always be by your side, trying to make you feel better." I shook my head and looked down, only to have my face lifted up again and held there.
"I don't want you to pretend anymore. It's okay, I know. I know that none of you like me. It's okay, I promise. You can go and forget about me. I'll be okay, trust me." I gave him a soft smile and he shook his head.
"Who told you that? We love you, Zack. We really do. We're not pretending."
"I don't want to hurt you anymore, Brian. You can save yourself now before it's too late."
"I don't want to save myself. I want to save you." He pointed at me, making me sigh.
"I'm not worth it."
"You are, trust me." He nodded, kissing my hand. A comfortable silence fell over us, before I decided to break it.
"I tried." I said.
"What?" He asked.
"I tried to live, trust me, but I couldn't do it. i couldn't do it without him. I can't go through this." I explained. I feel like crying.
"Then we'll get through this together, I promise." He caressed my face and leaned closer. I could feel his breath brush against my face, and I blushed.
He leaned in and closed the gap between us. I closed my eyes and moved our lips in sync. I put one hand on his shoulder and the other on the side of his neck, holding him closer. He put his hands on my waist and I smiled into the kiss, before pulling away. I bit on my bottom lip and looked at him, hiding behind my bangs and lashes, blushing.
He smiled and pecked me constantly, before kissing me all over my face, making me giggle at the feeling. He gave me a loving smile and a loving kiss, and that's when I finally realized that everything is going to be okay.
♠ ♠ ♠
How'd you guys like that? It's a bit sad, writing about Jimmy like that. It's really hard, since he was, still is, my hero. I can't imagine how they felt. Anyways, comment and recommend! It makes my day, honest.