Dear Boy, Love Girl

Goddammit.

Every single time something starts to go well between us, one of us fucks up royally. I'm not even sure whose fault it is ever anymore. Just that I am so mad at you. And you have every right to be mad at me too.

Your girlfriend is gorgeous by the way. I like that you posted a picture of you together right after I texted you and spilled my guts out to you. I know I'm probably overthinking it right? You didn't do that on purpose.

Whatever.

It doesn't make it hurt any less.

Why can't this be easy? I watch some of my best friends who have been dating for over two years, who are happy as can be, and rarely seriously fight. And I want that. I want it so much that it hurts. I know I don't like clingy, but some kind of actual relationship would be kind of wonderful.

I know that in the past I was always there just waiting for you. For when you ran out of other options. For when you needed someone who would believe every word that came out of your mouth no matter how many times you'd fucked them over.

But if you want to fool around with/date other girls fine. Two can play that game. Game fucking on.

I may be broken but I'm not pathetic. You aren't the only one who wants me. I promise.

I know this is awful and bitchy, but what else can I do? You and I both know that no matter what it's still going to be there. This stupid connection between us. I can't get away from it.

We both know I won't stay mad at you. That the second you want me again I will come fucking running. Because I am that fucking pathetically in love with you.

In the meantime however since we are all being honest here...

You are not the guy I've gone the farthest with. Never have been. I let someone else get just a little bit farther than you. Because he only cared about how I was feeling. Not him.

I'm sort of I don't know fooling around with someone else. We are just friends, but you know sometimes you get lonely, and just want someone to cuddle with, and kiss, and be cute with.

Neither of these things change anything of course. I still love you. Always have. Probably always will. But you decided to be honest with me, so here's me being honest with you.

I am not proud of it. None of it. Except that I've been strong throughout this whole ordeal. It's been months since I let my bad habit get away with me. I have been keeping up with my anxiety/depression meds.

I am only surviving. But someday I will get back to the point where I feel like I am living my life, not just surviving it.

And I don't know if you'll be there to see it or not...

Love unconditionally,
Girl