Whatsername And Suicide - Where Have We Gone Wrong?
Two
One night we stayed up late watching Harry Potter movies, the first and The Prisoner of Azkaban?
I didn’t know which ones they were since I hadn’t read the books or kept up with any of the craze.
My parents didn’t approve of it for one, and two, fantasy wasn’t my thing…
Kase told me they were good movies and to just ‘C’mon’ and watch them with her…so I did, roommate in tow, although everyone had been drinking so he was a little tipsy.
“No”, Kay had told me as she mixed Captain Morgan’s with cherry coke, “you can’t have any, and don’t ever tell what you saw alright?”
I had laughed, no way was I going to tell, this was too good…
Adam had already had a shot or two of Vodka mixed with something, and now he was doing jumping jacks trying to get the alcohol into his blood faster.
There was drinking and laughter and I sat and watched, in awe of this…individual freedom…they had.
They could stay up till all hours, drinking, hanging out with friends, going out and walking the beach, being artists and poets and break dancers!
I wanted this life so badly, it was so different and fun and so…so bohemian!
So different.
My life was nothing….
So much of nothing that I had wanted to end it…I’d wanted that for a long time now.
We left the south a few months earlier, my whole family, the 6 of us just uprooted and left, everything I’d ever known was there, and maybe it wasn’t so much, but it was still everything.
A few more than a few drinks later, laughing and pushing and talking we’d made it through the first half of the movie, laying in front of the TV, my brother in-law curled up sleeping, then Kay, also sleeping, me, and then him…
Being next to him I felt a little uncomfortable, we had spent the last few days staying up till sunrise just talking and goofing off. We were pretty casual friends now, and we already had some inside jokes…what made me feel weird was the night before….
He break dances okay? That’s one of his things and sometimes he does it in front of the restaurant he works at, since there’s already a DJ there and everything. He was going to do a show last night on Seawall blvd. Kay and I were supposed to meet her husband and him at 8…
I tried on 6 different outfits and put my hair up and down and then up again before stopping for a second….Why did I care about how I looked tonight?
Then I realized…I must like him….dorky, lanky, goofy, stupid, immature him…
How did that happen? I was 15…he was 20 & just barely passed as maybe a little bit cute. There was more to relationships then looks though, right? Everyone said that! I am so shallow to even think that he wasn’t cute, what did that matter? Besides, he’s 20, he could never be interested in me, not at all, ever. I told myself, So I’m not even going to think about it.
It took a moment to sink then, and then I changed my shirt one more time before I decided I was ready….
So he had had a few drinks, we were watching a movie, and he kept reaching over to stroke the side of my face…every time he did I’d turn my head to smile at him, and then ruffle his hair, like ‘that’s cute, you’re joking right?’ but I don’t think he was, and I didn’t know if I liked it or not, did I even like him? He said a few nights ago that he’d ‘adopted’ me as his little sister, it was endearing, also the fact that he listened to me, whatever I wanted to talk about, and sometimes he told me about his ex, Michelle, that he was still broken up over.
I thought it was sad, and was indignant, any girl that dumped him must be crazy, so what? He wasn’t the best looking but he was kinda cute and he’s a really good guy.
Him touching me was just new and it was just in an affectionate sort of way too, along with a few drinks…so it didn’t mean anything…right?
I didn’t know which ones they were since I hadn’t read the books or kept up with any of the craze.
My parents didn’t approve of it for one, and two, fantasy wasn’t my thing…
Kase told me they were good movies and to just ‘C’mon’ and watch them with her…so I did, roommate in tow, although everyone had been drinking so he was a little tipsy.
“No”, Kay had told me as she mixed Captain Morgan’s with cherry coke, “you can’t have any, and don’t ever tell what you saw alright?”
I had laughed, no way was I going to tell, this was too good…
Adam had already had a shot or two of Vodka mixed with something, and now he was doing jumping jacks trying to get the alcohol into his blood faster.
There was drinking and laughter and I sat and watched, in awe of this…individual freedom…they had.
They could stay up till all hours, drinking, hanging out with friends, going out and walking the beach, being artists and poets and break dancers!
I wanted this life so badly, it was so different and fun and so…so bohemian!
So different.
My life was nothing….
So much of nothing that I had wanted to end it…I’d wanted that for a long time now.
We left the south a few months earlier, my whole family, the 6 of us just uprooted and left, everything I’d ever known was there, and maybe it wasn’t so much, but it was still everything.
A few more than a few drinks later, laughing and pushing and talking we’d made it through the first half of the movie, laying in front of the TV, my brother in-law curled up sleeping, then Kay, also sleeping, me, and then him…
Being next to him I felt a little uncomfortable, we had spent the last few days staying up till sunrise just talking and goofing off. We were pretty casual friends now, and we already had some inside jokes…what made me feel weird was the night before….
He break dances okay? That’s one of his things and sometimes he does it in front of the restaurant he works at, since there’s already a DJ there and everything. He was going to do a show last night on Seawall blvd. Kay and I were supposed to meet her husband and him at 8…
I tried on 6 different outfits and put my hair up and down and then up again before stopping for a second….Why did I care about how I looked tonight?
Then I realized…I must like him….dorky, lanky, goofy, stupid, immature him…
How did that happen? I was 15…he was 20 & just barely passed as maybe a little bit cute. There was more to relationships then looks though, right? Everyone said that! I am so shallow to even think that he wasn’t cute, what did that matter? Besides, he’s 20, he could never be interested in me, not at all, ever. I told myself, So I’m not even going to think about it.
It took a moment to sink then, and then I changed my shirt one more time before I decided I was ready….
So he had had a few drinks, we were watching a movie, and he kept reaching over to stroke the side of my face…every time he did I’d turn my head to smile at him, and then ruffle his hair, like ‘that’s cute, you’re joking right?’ but I don’t think he was, and I didn’t know if I liked it or not, did I even like him? He said a few nights ago that he’d ‘adopted’ me as his little sister, it was endearing, also the fact that he listened to me, whatever I wanted to talk about, and sometimes he told me about his ex, Michelle, that he was still broken up over.
I thought it was sad, and was indignant, any girl that dumped him must be crazy, so what? He wasn’t the best looking but he was kinda cute and he’s a really good guy.
Him touching me was just new and it was just in an affectionate sort of way too, along with a few drinks…so it didn’t mean anything…right?
♠ ♠ ♠
Next chapter up with comments….Criticism is well excepted…
<3