Whatsername And Suicide - Where Have We Gone Wrong?
Three, maybe this is where things change...
It was close to 3 am, and I sat on my makeshift bed on the floor in the living room of my sister’s apartment. Like me, Adam was obviously not tired.
I’d stayed up with Kase and her husband late watching the 3rd Harry Potter movie.
Kase went to bed about an hour ago, he got in just after she had closed her bedroom door, kissing me on the head and telling me she loved me. She had always been more than a sister to me. Kase was my second mother, I was devastated when she’d gotten married last year and now just as I was learning to live without her close by I was realizing how much I needed her…
He sat across from me now, in a chair near the T.V, at first a little miffed to find we’d watched the 3rd movie without him. In that way he was such a little kid, a 14 year old state of mind, still oohing and ahhing over an explosion on screen or something.
But now, I didn’t know why I was thinking so hard about maybe saying something…
“What’s you’re biggest fear?” I asked him suddenly,
“Rollercoaster’s,” he replied, fast enough that I was kind of surprised that he didn’t even have to think about it. “I hate them.” He said.
“Seriously?” You have to be freaking weird to hate rollercoaster’s! “Rollercoaster’s are awesome!”
“No, god, I hate them…”
He shuddered a little to himself…he’s 20, and his biggest fear in life is rollercoaster’s…
“What are yours?” he asked me in reply…I guess that’s what I was looking for, I wanted the question asked back, I wanted to talk, my sister had kissed me on the head and gone to bed, I wasn’t tired, I was scared and alone and suddenly lonely…
“Suicide and being Whatsername…”
“What?”
“Whatsername…the girl you can remember just barely, you can see her in your mind, but can’t remember her name? It’s a song…”
“Oh, why suicide?” he asked, puzzled.
“That’s why I’m here…You didn’t know that huh? To get a break, because I want to kill myself, because I want to leave and because my life isn’t anything. My parents sent me here…because they didn’t know what to do with me.”
I could see he was shocked, he stood from the chair and came and sat down next to me, the both of us staring out the glass doors of the balcony. You couldn’t see it because the moon wasn’t out, but just beyond the darkness there was the ocean. The Gulf of Mexico. The waters always moving, the tide shifting, shells and small creatures washed up with every whoosh of a wave onto the beach…
Adam touched my hand and then looked at me, holding it…
“Don’t,” He said “Please don’t ever ever kill yourself, you’re so pretty, how could you want to die?”
While I was touched I also laughed, I can’t die! I’m pretty! Don’t take me now, Lord! I’m still pretty!
“Oh god,” I shook my head “There’s so many reasons to just go and leave it all. So many people, who’d be better off, left undamaged, because I didn’t get a chance to hurt them.”
“Those aren’t reasons.” He insisted.
“Fine then,” I said “I don’t have reasons, I just do, I just want to die, I’m always empty, always alone, always hopeless…I’m sick of it, I don’t want to be, I’m done, with hurting and fighting and dealing and doing what I can to just get by
He turned my face to him and looked at me, I wanted to look away but he held my chin.
“Right now?” He asked me “right now you want to leave? Right now…are you hopeless and alone and just want to go, here, now?!”
“no.” I swallowed hard, his thumb pressing against my jaw. I was scared for an instant, terrified. Then it was gone.
“No?” he asked
“no…no, I’m staying.” I said calmly, more then I felt.
He let me go but I didn’t look away for a minute…and then there was just silence…I could feel him looking around the room….maybe searching his mind as hard as I was earlier, thinking of what to say. There was nothing to say.
“Fuck!” he said, looking at his watch “it’s nearly 5am! Shitgoddamnit I’ve got early shift, gotta leave at 7...”
He sighed and stood up, part of me relieved, the other part wanted him to stay, even if I fell asleep, there’s that weight and shadow that can’t be faked when someone’s sitting next to you…I could have just slept, just slept with that weight and darkness, almost that mystery next to me…but who knows what kind of dreams I might have if I was able to fall asleep in his presence. Most probably nightmares.
Touching my shoulder…
“Get some sleep.” He said as he started off towards the stairs, just as he reached them he turned around….
“You know,” he said, “When I first saw you…” he paused. “When I first saw you I though ‘now, ah, there’s something about this one here, something different.’”
I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything, I didn’t think he wanted me to anyways. Then he turned and hopped up the 5 stairs to the landing, going into his room and shutting the door.
I didn’t move for a full minute and a half. I could hear him shifting things around up there, his room over looked the kitchen and you could see the whole downstairs of the apartment from his room through the glassless windows above the kitchen cupboards.
They had Vietnamese blinds over them, but I was sure for some reason that he could hear every breath I took.
Maybe, maybe this should have scared me…or at least creeped me out, more than it did.
I’d stayed up with Kase and her husband late watching the 3rd Harry Potter movie.
Kase went to bed about an hour ago, he got in just after she had closed her bedroom door, kissing me on the head and telling me she loved me. She had always been more than a sister to me. Kase was my second mother, I was devastated when she’d gotten married last year and now just as I was learning to live without her close by I was realizing how much I needed her…
He sat across from me now, in a chair near the T.V, at first a little miffed to find we’d watched the 3rd movie without him. In that way he was such a little kid, a 14 year old state of mind, still oohing and ahhing over an explosion on screen or something.
But now, I didn’t know why I was thinking so hard about maybe saying something…
“What’s you’re biggest fear?” I asked him suddenly,
“Rollercoaster’s,” he replied, fast enough that I was kind of surprised that he didn’t even have to think about it. “I hate them.” He said.
“Seriously?” You have to be freaking weird to hate rollercoaster’s! “Rollercoaster’s are awesome!”
“No, god, I hate them…”
He shuddered a little to himself…he’s 20, and his biggest fear in life is rollercoaster’s…
“What are yours?” he asked me in reply…I guess that’s what I was looking for, I wanted the question asked back, I wanted to talk, my sister had kissed me on the head and gone to bed, I wasn’t tired, I was scared and alone and suddenly lonely…
“Suicide and being Whatsername…”
“What?”
“Whatsername…the girl you can remember just barely, you can see her in your mind, but can’t remember her name? It’s a song…”
“Oh, why suicide?” he asked, puzzled.
“That’s why I’m here…You didn’t know that huh? To get a break, because I want to kill myself, because I want to leave and because my life isn’t anything. My parents sent me here…because they didn’t know what to do with me.”
I could see he was shocked, he stood from the chair and came and sat down next to me, the both of us staring out the glass doors of the balcony. You couldn’t see it because the moon wasn’t out, but just beyond the darkness there was the ocean. The Gulf of Mexico. The waters always moving, the tide shifting, shells and small creatures washed up with every whoosh of a wave onto the beach…
Adam touched my hand and then looked at me, holding it…
“Don’t,” He said “Please don’t ever ever kill yourself, you’re so pretty, how could you want to die?”
While I was touched I also laughed, I can’t die! I’m pretty! Don’t take me now, Lord! I’m still pretty!
“Oh god,” I shook my head “There’s so many reasons to just go and leave it all. So many people, who’d be better off, left undamaged, because I didn’t get a chance to hurt them.”
“Those aren’t reasons.” He insisted.
“Fine then,” I said “I don’t have reasons, I just do, I just want to die, I’m always empty, always alone, always hopeless…I’m sick of it, I don’t want to be, I’m done, with hurting and fighting and dealing and doing what I can to just get by
He turned my face to him and looked at me, I wanted to look away but he held my chin.
“Right now?” He asked me “right now you want to leave? Right now…are you hopeless and alone and just want to go, here, now?!”
“no.” I swallowed hard, his thumb pressing against my jaw. I was scared for an instant, terrified. Then it was gone.
“No?” he asked
“no…no, I’m staying.” I said calmly, more then I felt.
He let me go but I didn’t look away for a minute…and then there was just silence…I could feel him looking around the room….maybe searching his mind as hard as I was earlier, thinking of what to say. There was nothing to say.
“Fuck!” he said, looking at his watch “it’s nearly 5am! Shitgoddamnit I’ve got early shift, gotta leave at 7...”
He sighed and stood up, part of me relieved, the other part wanted him to stay, even if I fell asleep, there’s that weight and shadow that can’t be faked when someone’s sitting next to you…I could have just slept, just slept with that weight and darkness, almost that mystery next to me…but who knows what kind of dreams I might have if I was able to fall asleep in his presence. Most probably nightmares.
Touching my shoulder…
“Get some sleep.” He said as he started off towards the stairs, just as he reached them he turned around….
“You know,” he said, “When I first saw you…” he paused. “When I first saw you I though ‘now, ah, there’s something about this one here, something different.’”
I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything, I didn’t think he wanted me to anyways. Then he turned and hopped up the 5 stairs to the landing, going into his room and shutting the door.
I didn’t move for a full minute and a half. I could hear him shifting things around up there, his room over looked the kitchen and you could see the whole downstairs of the apartment from his room through the glassless windows above the kitchen cupboards.
They had Vietnamese blinds over them, but I was sure for some reason that he could hear every breath I took.
Maybe, maybe this should have scared me…or at least creeped me out, more than it did.
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