Seize The Day Even Though You're 2000 Lightyears Away

Another two days had passed since my drunken return home and now I realized what a huge mistake that I had made. Stella told Mike what had happened and of course he had flipped out, calling me up and yelling at me for a good half hour. He may not have been my dad but he sure as hell liked to act like it. Mike was actually more like a father to all of the Green Day army kids. My real dad was more like your crazy drunk uncle, shouting obscenities and running around in a leopard print G-string. It was just expected of him.

Besides being yelled at by Mike I also had to deal with my older brother Joey. We were only about five years apart in age but he seemed much wiser than anyone in his years…he also never let me forget that either.

So here I was, sitting on my couch while Joey paced the room in front of me, throwing up his arms in anger each time he yelled at me. I’d give anything to just be able to vacate my seat and run through the front door, slamming it shut behind me as I went.

“I still can’t believe that you would have done that Treva.” Joey scolded, once again throwing up his hands. “How would you have liked it if I had done that huh? Knowing all the shit we’ve gone through and you could have been killed yourself?! You’re unbelievable.”

“I said I was sorry Joey!” I spat back at him. “I screwed up alright? Is that what you want to hear? That I’m just another fuck up who’s bound to amount to nothing?”

“No Treva I don’t think that at all but I just want you to take some goddamn responsibility for yourself! Start using your head for once.”

“I have plenty of responsibility on me right now if you hadn’t noticed.” I huffed, angrily getting up from my seat and walking into the kitchen. “How the hell am I supposed to have a clear head on my shoulders when I can’t even get rid of my own fucking grief-as well as dealing with thousands of people out there who want me to comfort them as well? I can barely even think straight right now!”

Joey followed me into the kitchen as I grabbed a glass from the cupboard, opening the refrigerator and filling the cup with some cold water. Drinking something, alcoholic or not, always seemed to help calm my shaking nerves.

He watched me as I finished the water, setting the cup in the sink before he sat himself down at the table.

“So you think burying yourself in alcohol is going to drown out all the pain? Sis I understand that you’re going through a lot right now, we all are, but you can’t turn to whiskey to make the situation disappear. Alcohol just makes things worse and you know that.”

My head was put down in shame by the time Joey had finished talking. His words stung but I knew they were true. I couldn’t hide my face in a Jack Daniels bottle.

“I know Joey. I’m an idiot and I’m sorry…I just don’t know what to do about all of this.” I whispered. “I’m so confused.”

Joey let out a sigh as he leaned forward to grab my hand, gently pulling me from leaning against the counter and into his lap. “You’re not an idiot do you hear me? You’re just human and you’re going through a lot of pain right now. It’s only natural that you would feel confused.”

I leaned my head against his chest as he soothingly rubbed my back, letting out a sigh myself. “But when is this all going to end Joey? Dad was…was the one that kept this family together after mom, and now we don’t have either of them.”

I could tell that I was getting close to start crying again, having done this all week the tears never seemed to cease. Joey could tell too so he started to slowly rock me back and forth in his arms, rubbing my back as he whispered in my ear. “I wish that I could make all of this go away but I can’t. It’ll take time for our heartache to pass but we’ll do it together…as a family.”

I heard the crack in his voice as he spoke, indicating to me that he himself was trying not to break down as well. And then I thought to myself how selfish that I must be right now. Knowing that Joey was going through the same thing as me and I was the one acting like a little selfish brat, running away to the bar and being annoyed with him even though I knew he was just trying to look out for me. I felt as low as dirt.

“I’m sorry…” I croaked out, burying my face in his chest as he continued to hold me. “Joey I’m so sorry.”

He pulled back a little bit so that he could look at me, gazing at me in bewilderment as I just continued to cry. “What do you have to be sorry for? Sis you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Yes I did,” I sobbed, leaning my head down to the floor. “I’ve been acting childish while all of this is going on, making you all pay attention to me when I know you’re going through the same thing that I am. I can‘t believe you‘re even talking to me right now.”

“Oh sweetie,” Joey whispered, pulling me back into his arms. “There’s nothing in this world that would ever make me stop talking to you. You’re my little sister and it’s my responsibility to always be here for you, no matter what decides to happen to us. Nothing you do will ever change that.”

We sat there like that for a good fifteen minutes before I finally started to calm down again, praying to myself that this would be one of the last times that I would cry so hard. I noticed Joey wiping away his own tears with his hand as he still kept the other securely wrapped around me. This moment feeling as though we had made a breakthrough in the grieving process. The first step would be to mourn, cry and wish that you were dead as well…that last part I think was only running through my mind. But we were Armstrong’s and we were tough. We were held together like glue and just like Joey had said nothing could break us apart. I just prayed that the next step in this long journey would come sooner than later.