Listen to Your Heart

School on Monday was awkward to say the least; somehow word of my ‘breakdown’ had gotten around. People talked in hushed tones as I walked by, glancing at me out of the corners of their eyes, hoping I wouldn’t notice. I hadn’t spoken to John since our argument on the stairs, and when English rolled around it took everything I had not to skip, but I knew if I did he’d send someone to come and find me. So, reluctantly, I went to class. I took my seat at the back of the room and began doodling in my notebook.

“Maria, can you stay behind after class?” a voice snapped me from my day dreams. I looked up to see every one’s eyes on me. Silently judging me. I squirmed in my seat; I could feel every one’s eyes watching my every move. I suddenly felt highly self-conscious.

“Uh, yeah, sure.” I let my hair droop over my face, shielding me from their stares. John tried to draw the attention of class, but I could still feel people’s eyes on me for the rest of the lesson. Eventually the bell rang, and I felt a weight lifted off my chest as the room emptied. The weight soon returned after I saw the look on John’s face.

I shuffled nervously on my feet, “What do you want Mr. O’callghan?”

“I just wanted to see how you are, I heard what people were saying…I don’t know how that got out.” he seemed genuinely worried.

“So you thought that the best idea was to call me out in front of the whole class?” on what planet had he thought that would be a good idea.

John hesitated, he looked sheepish. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think. I just didn’t want you running out on me.” He shuffled his weight on his feet. His gaze never breaking my own though.

“You never think.” I muttered in return. I waited for John’s harsh reply or at least some sarcastic or witty comment but nothing came; he just continued to stare at me, “You know I really wish you wouldn’t do that.” I snapped eventually.

“I’m sorry. You should go.” he sighed, finally taking the seat behind his desk.

“I’ll be back at lunch.” I muttered before leaving his class room. There were students lined up outside, waiting for his next lesson to begin. Even though they were clearly year sevens, I could feel them judging me as I walked out the room. Their eyes piercing my skin, and I couldn’t help but shiver at their icy stares. It seemed it was something I was going to have to get used to, between jealous girls and judgemental pricks it appeared I was going to be the centre of attention for a while.

I made my way to psychology, the class had already begun and Sue had us watching a film. I was surprised to notice that it was ‘Kind of a funny story’, to me it seemed kind of irrelevant but I watched none the less as it was one of my favourite movies.
We only got about fifty minutes in when the bell rang. I decided to wait behind after class to talk to Sue about her choice of film. It seemed more appropriate to me that we watch ‘A Beautiful Mind’ or ‘Girl, interrupted’.

“Sue, can I ask you a question?” Fran and Clare were hanging by the door, waiting for me but I motioned for them to leave me. Once I was finished here I was going to go and see John anyway.

“Sure, what is it?” she smiled kindly.

“Without meaning to sound rude, why did we watch that film?”

She paused for a moment, thinking of what to say, “I chose that film because it was slightly more light hearted than the other films I wanted you all to watch but not only that; the characters are your age. I want my students to see that if they are going through something; they are not the only ones. Also, I wanted them to see that getting help isn’t something to be ashamed of, that their friends won’t treat them like lepers and if they do then they aren’t friends. I just thought although it’s relevance to the course is minimal, that the relevance to you was more important. Does that make sense?” I contemplated what she was saying for a moment. She was right, but I wasn’t sure that people would want to get help after seeing it.

“Surely though, seeing something like that could scare kids from getting help though? Because not everyone is going to get admitted to a mental institution, and even if they do, it doesn’t paint the brightest picture of them.”

“Would you prefer I showed them ‘One flew over the cuckoo’s nest’?” she smirked and I couldn’t help but laugh. I suppose she was right.

“I guess you’re right. Anyway, I had best be off. Thank you.” I wasn’t really sure it answered my question and I wasn’t really sure why I had asked the question in the first place. I should be happy that we’re watching films.

I made my way to English, this time I walked quicker than usual, for some reason I wanted to see John. I was still somewhat annoyed at him, but I can’t think of a time in my life when I wasn’t. When I got there he wasn’t there. I assumed he had gone to get his lunch, so I let myself into his classroom and took a seat behind his desk. I wasn’t sure what I’d say if another teacher walked in, but I didn’t really care anyway.

Ten minutes passed and I was beginning to get bored. Why was it taking him so long? He knew I was going to be here. Unless he hadn’t heard me? I was getting ready to leave when the door opened and in he walked with a pile of papers tucked under his arm while he tried desperately to hold his coffee in one hand and his lunch tray in the other. He looked up, spotting me in his chair causing him to drop the papers in fright. I couldn’t help but smirk, he was lucky it hadn’t been his lunch or coffee.

“Maria, what are you doing here?” he asked as he placed his food and coffee on his desk before bending over to pick up the papers.

“I told you I was coming to see you at lunch.” I rolled my eyes at him as I bent down to help him.

I shuffled the papers into a pile and handed them to him, they were all out of order and I didn’t want to think about how long it was going to take him to get them all back in order and mark them. “I forgot, sorry. What was it you wanted?” he’d taken his seat back so I grabbed one, pulling it round to sit opposite him.

“I’m not entirely sure.” That was a lie. I knew what I wanted, I wanted to lean over and kiss him, but that was never going to happen. I watched as he gnawed at his bottom lip, his brows furrowed in concentration. He was trying to order the papers.

“You know I really wish students would put their names on every sheet of paper.” he grumbled. “You know I could get in trouble for having you in here alone.” he responded.
“We’re not doing anything though.” I grumbled, stealing a bite of his pizza.

“They don’t care. Get some work out so it at least looks like I’m helping you with something.” he still hadn’t looked at me and I was beginning to get slightly uncomfortable. Had I done something wrong?

We sat in silence for a while longer. I’d pulled out the book I was reading and tried to get into it, but all I could hear was the scratching of pen against paper, and the gently hum of John’s breathing. I focused on his breathing, suddenly it became hitched and I looked up to notice his eyes were on me. They were trailing down my legs and back up my body, stopping every now and then, his eyes lingering on some part of me. Eventually his eyes returned to my face, causing him to blush when he noticed I was looking at him. Desire burned in his eyes, but it was soon clouded by guilt. He snapped his head, averting my gaze.

“You need to leave.” It was almost a growl, there was something so primal about it and I couldn’t help but feel more attracted to him than ever.

“No.” something had changed in me, before I was determined to push him away but now I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. “I’m not going anywhere.” John looked somewhat shocked.

“I mean it Maria.” his words were stern but they lacked conviction.

“Make me, Mr. O’Callaghan.” I defied. He stood, positioning himself in front of me. He was mere inches from me. He towered over me, I looked up. My eyes staring directly into his, defiance etched on his every feature.

“Leave.”

“Why?” I was breathless. The proximity had my heart racing. Before I knew it his lips were crashing down on mine, his tongue begging for entry. The backs of my legs were pressed up against his desk. His hands found their way to my hips squeezing, causing me to gasp. His hands traced up my sides, finding their way to the underside of my breast. He deepened the kiss; our tongues fighting for dominance. His hands began to make their way to my ass when the bell rang, causing him to spring away from me.

“Get out.” he snapped, and this time I obeyed. What had just happened? My head was racing, my lips were numb and everywhere he touched me tingled with delight. I’d never felt more alive, and I’d never felt more guilt. I made my way down the stairs heading for home room. Fran would know something was up, and I didn’t know how to keep it from her. I felt my eyes prick with tears. What had I done?