Listen to Your Heart

I instantly began to panic. “What? What happened?” If someone had seen us we wouldn’t even have a chance to discuss what was going to happen between us, because nothing could happen. If a teacher had seen then John was screwed, and if it was another student we may not be much better off. Either way John would freak out and tell me nothing could happen, then he’d refuse to talk to me and we’d be back where we started.

“I’m on my way over now. Are you home alone?”

“Yes.” I texted back quickly. I was so nervous. I just wanted things to work out for once in my life. As much as I was still mad at John, I couldn’t ignore the chemistry between us. I couldn’t pretend I didn’t care about him or that none of this had happened. After everything he’d done to me I should want nothing to do with him, but I couldn’t completely blame him. He wasn’t in the easiest of situations. I was too young. I expected too much. I think I had it in my head that we were in love and that we were going to get married and live happily ever after. That cliche story where a boy and girl who hated each other fell in love and lived happily for the rest of their days. It was too much for him. I should have realised that. I shouldn#t have expected so much from him. I think it just made him realise the age gap between us. I was still a kid, and he wasn’t. I needed time to grow up, and he just wasn’t mature enough to tell me that.

I sat on my sofa in silence. Waiting for him to get here. I couldn’t help but fidget. My nerves were on edge and adrenaline was rushing through my veins. I jumped the second I heard the car pull up in my drive. I raced to the front door, nearly pulling it off its hinges. I opened it just in time to see a very haggard looking John stepping out of his car. His hair was more dishevelled than usual. Suggesting he’d been running his hands through it like he did when he was anxious or stressed.

“What happened?” I blurted. He hadn’t even shut his car door yet and I was already hounding him. I knew it probably wasn’t a good idea. Not that my neighbours would think anything of it, but you never knew who could be listening.

“Get inside.” he growled. There was something so primal about it, it reminded me of how he was earlier. It both scared me and turned me on.

“What happened?”

"Mrs Grover came in about two minutes after you left." he stressed trough gritted teeth.

I felt my eyes widen and my heart and stomach drop. "What did she say?" I whispered. Shuffling my feet on the hardwood floor.

"She was concerned about you being alone in my room with me." he sighed, squeezing the bridge of his nose. "She doesn't think it's appropriate. She wanted to speak to you, but the fact that you had run off...well let's just say she'll be keeping an eye on us." If I hadn't run out we'd be fine. I'd have told her he was my brothers friend and I was there to talk to him for Kennedy. She'd still have told me I wasn't allowed to be alone in a room with him but she would have dropped it after a week.

"I'm so sorry. Jesus I'm so stupid!" How could I have been so dumb?

"Maria this isn't your fault. I made the mistake. I kissed you. I shouldn't have. I think it's best if we don't see each other outside of lessons." I felt something inside me snap. I knew this was going to happen.

"You aren't doing this to me. I told you we couldn't do this, I told you to leave me alone and you didn't listen. Now it's too late! Now you've brought everything back to me. You aren't doing this. Are you going to give us a chance or are you running away again? If you run away again don't ever expect me to take you back. I'm done. I can't keep doing this.” I felt tears fill my eyes as what was left of the walls I had built up crumbled down.

John stood in shock. His jaw slack. My posture tensed, and I pushed my chest out stubbornly. Daring him to challenge me. I could see him thinking through what I had said. I knew he wanted to fight me, he always did, but I could also see his resolved begin to crumble.

“I know you have feelings for me John. You don’t kiss just anyone the way you kissed me. You don’t risk everything for just a kiss from just anyone. I know you have feelings for me. Just accept them. We can work this out, no one has to know. No one knew before, no one has to know this time.”

I was being pathetic and desperate and I knew it but I couldn’t help it. I needed him. I needed him to want me the same way I wanted him. He tore down my walls and he wasn’t going to walk away again. I was older and wiser this time. I knew what I was getting into. I’d weighed up the pros and cons, and I’d decided it was worth it. It was worth it.

I wanted him to run across the room and crash his lips against mine. Tell me he wanted me and he wanted us to work, but I wasn’t naïve. I knew him better than that. He always had to think things through before he did it. I was clinging on to the last bit of hope I had, but I knew it was futile. John had been acting so out of character recently, and that scare from Grover would knock some sense back into him. He’d realise how risky it would be and he wouldn’t do it.

“Okay.” I was shaken from my thoughts by his voice.

“W-what?” I stuttered.

“Okay. I’m willing to try and make this work. I can’t deny my feelings for you. I don’t even want to. You…you have to understand this isn’t a joke though. You can’t tell anyone. Not Fran or Clare. Not Kenny. No one. You have to see how big a risk this is that I’m taking. I’m not just talking about losing my job here, I could go to prison. Especially now with Grover watching my every move. We can’t get caught.” I could see the confliction in his eyes.

I didn’t know what to say. I was so sure he was going to walk out that door. I was so sure we were done. So I did the only thing I could think of; I flung myself at him, locking my lips on his. He deepened the kiss. There was so much want and need, and it was rushed and sloppy, but I didn’t care. John and I were finally together. Our lips parted and I fell back on my feet looking up at him, gasping for breath.

“I’ve wanted this for so long.” he finally admitted.

I felt my breath hitch in my throat. “So have I.” because even when I hated him, I wanted him. I’d tried to deny it for so long, but I couldn’t do it anymore. I needed him almost as much as the air I breathed, and I couldn’t deny the fact I couldn’t want him now only made me want him more. There was something so sexy about him being my teacher and how forbidden it all was.

“I need to go. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. We need to figure all this out. I want this to work, but we need to be careful.” he sighed, pulling me against his chest.

“I know. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I leant up to place a small kiss on his lips and the next thing I knew he was pulling away and leaving. I instantly missed his presence. I missed the feel of his skin against mine, of his breath in my ear, of his heart racing.

I pulled up my email to tell Cat what was happening before retiring to my room to do my homework. It was pointless though because it was English and I couldn’t get John out of my brain. So instead I put on my headphones and went for a run. I was just so happy. I knew things wouldn’t be perfect, but still, we were together and that was what was important. We would be careful. We wouldn’t get caught. Who knew what would happen between us in the long run, but at least now we had a chance to find out.