Listen to Your Heart

Cat, it happened. It finally happened. He didn’t run away for once. Except we nearly got caught and I’m scared. People can’t know and all I want to do is scream it from the rooftops. I’m just scared that I’ve not grown up as much as I think I have. What if I’m still too immature for him? What if I’m not ready for this? What if I never was? It’s finally happening and I’m so excited and I’m so scared all at the same time.

What if John changes his mind? What if he decides this isn’t what he wants at all? What if we get caught? Cat I’m not sure I can do this...How can I do this to him? I need you to tell me I’m doing the right thing because I’m not sure I am.

I reread over the email I’d sent her for the third time. She hadn’t replied yet, but I wasn’t expecting her too. She would still be asleep, and that was the worst thing about the time difference. When I was awake she was asleep and when I was asleep she was awake. It made things almost impossible, and it was even harder because she was the only person I could talk to about this.

I’d come back from my run full of even more energy that I didn’t know what to do with. It took everything I had not to text Fran or Clare and tell them what was happening. I knew I couldn’t do that though, I couldn’t do that to him. So instead I’d tidied my room and cleaned the kitchen, and done all my homework, even the English. It was nearly 11pm and I wasn’t even tired. I was sure I wasn’t going to sleep at all. I was just deciding on a book to read when I felt my phone buzz. I had a new email. I felt my stomach drop. I was so nervous about what she was going to say.

Honey I’m so happy for you! I’ve been rooting for you guys! I have to come visit now, I need to meet him ;) You might not be able to scream it from the rooftops but you can scream it to me!

You’re so silly! Of course you’ve grown up! You’ve grown up so much just since I met you at the beginning of the summer! Just be excited hunny! As for John, I think we both know he’s not changing his mind. He’d have done it already if he was. Why risk everything for someone he’s not sure about? He’s not going anywhere. I’m not going to lie, getting caught is a real risk you’re running, but at the same time if you love each other then it’s worth it, and you two do. You love each other so much. You have for years. It’s not like he’s just your teacher, and it’s not like he manipulated you into this position. Let’s face it, if anything, you manipulated him.

You want my approval? I can’t tell you if you’re doing the right or wrong thing for sure, but I think it’s pretty clean my opinion on it. All I can say is no matter what I am here for you. Please just put a smile on it. You’ve got the man of your dreams and he’s putty in your fingers.

I hadn’t even realised I was crying until the end. It felt so good to know I had someone behind me, on my side. Someone who understood what I was feeling and what I was going through.

Thank you. Thank you so much. You’re put my mind at rest. I might actually get some sleep tonight. I’d love for you to come and visit. Everyone is so excited to meet you, and I have a history teacher you’ll absolutely LOVE ;)

I realise how silly I’m being but at the same time it’s hard not to be. There are so many ‘what ifs’ and risks. I don’t want him to get hurt, but at the same time I don’t want him to leave me. I want him to want me as much as I want him, and I realise that he probably does, but I still can’t help but doubt it.

I know we need to talk about this and figure out how we aren’t going to get caught, but I have no idea what I’m doing. It’s just such a daunting thought. There is just so much going on and Grover already suspects something and I just can’t help but worry if he’s making a mistake. I don’t know how to keep a secret to save my life.

I just want this to work so badly.

I didn’t have to wait long for my reply, and I was thankful because although she’d set my mind at rest. There were still so many things that needed to be answered.

I can’t wait to meet him ;) You know how I feel about history teachers!

I don’t think you’re being silly. I can see where all your worries are coming from but at the same time I think they’re unnecessary. I really don’t think you have a thing to worry about .

Listen, getting caught isn’t as easy as you might think and you have it a lot easier than most. You have an excuse to spend time with him outside of school. Most people don’t have that. Just make sure you have passcodes on your phone and make sure no one knows your passwords to anything. Delete everything you get from him, and if you want to make it extra believable then delete everything from everyone. Maybe save him under a different name. If you are meeting him outside of school don’t let anyone know, or do it at your brothers when you can or yours or his, just not in public where you can avoid it. If you are in public, try not to talk to each other too much, and do NOT touch each other. They all seem like pretty obvious things, but they’re the kinds of things that are going to get you caught if you slip up. You’ll be fine just be careful! Anyway I have class now and I have to go, I’ll speak to you later. xxx

I didn’t bother replying. She wouldn’t read it till she got home and I needed to go to sleep. I wasn’t looking forward to school in the morning. I was so scared I was going to do or say something I shouldn’t and we’d get caught out. I was scared that Grover was going to talk to me and see straight through my lies. I was just scared of what could happen, there were so many possibilities. I clambered under my blankets and managed to fall into a restless sleep.

When I woke the next morning it felt like I’d only blinked. I was exhausted and so tempted just to stay in my bed, but I managed to drag myself out of bed and make it to school just in time for tutor.

When I got there Fran and Clare were both already there and I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do or say to them. What if they figured it out? Fran had an odd ability to always know what I was thinking. When I was younger I used to be scared of her because I thought she could actually read my mind, and even now sometimes I worried that she could. She was giving me an odd look and I was so sure she knew.

“You okay? John said you were sick…” she was sceptical, but I felt relieved in a sense. She didn’t not believe him, she didn’t believe me.

“Yeah. I just, we had an argument and I just wanted to go home.” It was the most likely situation. I could hardly tell her the truth and part of me knew even if I did tell her the truth she wouldn’t believe me. She knew both of us to well. I hated him and he hated taking risks.

We sat in tutor just talking about pointless things for the next twenty minutes before it was time for class. I made my way to History slowly. Grover would be up there and I really didn’t want to face her. I knew I had to at some point, if she didn’t see me then she would come and find me. I was just about to go into the classroom when I heard her heels clicking against the floor and the putrid stench of her coffee filled the corridors. I halted, my shoulders stiffening as the shoes came to a stop behind me.

“Ah, Maria. Just the person I wanted to see. Do you mind coming with me?” It wasn’t really a question, she had that false smile spread across her face, which only drew attention to her bad lipstick. I thought about arguing with her, but I thought that might make me look like I had something to hide so instead I smiled pleasantly and followed her into her office.

“Can I ask what this is about?” I asked. I wasn’t sure I was a good actress but I pretended to be confused anyway.

“Do you know Mr O’Callaghan?” she asked, ignoring my question.

“I do. He’s my English teacher why?”

“What about outside of school?” she was still smiling, but even if I was a bad actress I couldn’t have been as bad as her.

“Oh, yeah. I’ve known him pretty much my whole life. He’s my brothers best friend...I thought you’d know this? They both came here a few years ago?” I furrowed my brows. “Why though?”

She nodded her head, though at what I wasn’t sure. “I just need to understand the relationship you have with him. I saw you coming out of his room looking flustered yesterday, and I have to ask, are you or have you ever been romantically involved with him?” I felt my throat begin to close up in apprehension.

“I...no. I mean I think I had a crush on him when I was like 4 but, no. He’s like a brother to me. I was only flushed because we were talking about an embarrassing story when we were kids. I wasn’t really feeling well either. I only went there to talk to him about something for Kennedy. I was on my way home.” I felt my face flushing and I was sure that she was on to me.

“Can I ask what?” I didn’t see how it was relevent to her, but I decided it was best not to argue.

“Kennedy just wanted to know what was happening about band practice and if John had found a new guitarist…” that was a lie. There was no new guitarist.

“Well, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to stay away from Mr O’Callaghan outside of lessons. I understand you may have a relationship with him outside of school, and there isn’t really anything I can do about that, but I do suggest you spend as little time together as possible. However, I would appreciate if you stayed away from him inside school. No more being alone in his classroom. We don’t want any nasty rumours going around. Or for anything that could put his career at risk to happen.” she was still smiling and all it made me want to do was lean across the desk and slap it off her face. She looked so smug and I hated it, but I had to try and keep my emotions under control.

“I can’t promise you I won’t see him outside of school. I spend a lot of time with my brother and so does he, but I understand where you’re coming from. You have to watch out for your staff. I won’t go in his room alone again.” I smiled curtly and stood up. She hadn’t told me she was done with me yet, but I was done with her and I was late for History. I could feel my blood boiling. Where did she get off telling me to stay away from him? He was my teacher aside from anything, I needed to spend time with him for coursework and revision sessions.

I bid her goodbye and left without another word. When I got to History Mr Edwards had already started the lesson, I apologised for being late before taking my seat. I pulled out my phone to text John and see what she had said to him, if anything, this morning.

She talked to me. I’m not allowed to spend any time with you without other people there. She even asked me to stay away from you outside of school, but I told her that wouldn’t be possible because of Kennedy. Did she speak to you again?

I slipped my phone back in my pocket and began to make the History notes but I couldn’t focus. My mind was all blurry and I was still furious at her.

I contemplated skipping English, but I decided that didn’t look too good either. When I got there it was only me and him.

“Do you think this counts?” I mocked as I took my seat.

“Don’t. Just...let’s not do this. Just do what she says. Or is 6 hours a day too long to spend away from me?” he smirked cockily.

“5. I spend an hour of it with you.” I smirked back.

“Fancy coming over to watch a film tonight?” he asked just as the door swung open. I didn’t answer, instead I pulled out my phone and text him.

I’d love to.

I couldn’t get the smirk off my face for the rest of the lesson. However, when John set us an essay I did groan a little.

"The theme of Romeo and Juliet is about a consuming love. It is a story of hatred overcome by that love, old hate versus young love, taking no thought for the past or future. And this love ends in 'love-devouring death'; but the effect of the play is not wholly pessimistic." Discuss.

“I expect it in for this lesson next week. No excuses! Right now off you go you miserable lot.” I stood to leave, hesitating when I got to his desk, but I remembered what Grover said shot him a small smile before leaving. After all, it was only a few hours till I had him all to myself, and the thought of it brought the smile back to my face.