Listen to Your Heart

October rolled round quicker than I thought it would, and before I knew it I was waiting at the airport for Cat to arrive. It was one of the hottest days of the year, and I thanked God for air conditioning in the airport bar. John and I hadn’t said another word about what happened in the car the night of my dad’s accident, but I knew it was still playing on his mind. I would catch him looking at me sometimes and it was obvious he wanted to say something. I thought about putting him out of his misery, but that would have been too nice. He’d still refused to sleep with me and he wouldn’t talk about that either. I gathered it was because he was scared that we might get caught and if we did things would be so much worse for him if he had.

I was dragged from my thoughts when I felt a body sit in the seat next to me. “You have to be 21 to drink here right?” a familiar voice groaned.

“Cat!” I squealed, pulling her into a hug. I’d been so caught up in my thoughts that I’d missed the announcement for her flight arriving. “I can’t believe you’re finally here!”

“Okay, well you can let go now.” she gasped, trying desperately not to fall off her stool. “I’ve missed you too though!” she smiled.

“Everyone is so excited to meet you. They’ve all heard so much about you.” I grinned.

“I’m excited to meet them. Damn it is boiling in here, you think they would have air conditioning!” she complained, and I almost didn’t have the heart to tell her it was air conditioned.

“Hunny, it’s cool in here compared to out there.” I warned, getting up to go and collect her luggage.

“You’re kidding me right?” she grumbled. I just smiled at her sympathetically as I watched her follow me through the airport. The queue for the luggage was almost non-existent so we were able to find it quickly. I was thankful because the quicker we got home the quicker she got to meet everyone. My house was also a lot cooler than the airport. I couldn’t imagine how she was feeling; I was used to the heat and in comparison England was freezing. I knew how cold I got when I went over there, and even I struggled a bit when I first came back, heck I still struggled now after seventeen years of living in it.

It felt good being able to see Cat again and talk to her. Skyping just wasn’t the same. I’d lived with her for three months, but in that three months she’d become one of the most important people in my life. I don’t know what I would have done without her. Things with John were so complicated, I needed someone I could unload on. I knew she could be trusted, not that I didn’t trust Fran and Clare. I did. In a different way. I knew Cat would understand what was going on with John, but Fran would try and warp it into something that it wasn’t. She’d try her best to look out for me, and in the end it would probably be what would get us found out. She’d let something slip to someone that she shouldn’t.

The drive was short; we lived less than fifteen minutes from the airport, which wasn’t hard in Tempe. “Please tell me you have a pool?” Cat gasped. She pretty much had her head stuck out my car window.

“I do, but I suggest you just shower and freshen up. I’m taking you to meet Fran and Clare.” I told her as we pulled up at the house. My mom and dad were both out at work. I was thankful because my dad would interrogate her about what she wanted to do in life, and my mother would interrogate her about me. She didn’t need either right now.

“What about John, when do I get to meet John?” she huffed, flopping out of the car.

“You’ll get to meet him. You need to meet Fran and Clare first though, because if they found out I introduced you to him first they’d ask questions. There’s a party at his later though.” Kennedy had refused to have it at his again. His flat mate had been more than unhappy last time, and as far as he was concerned John’s was better because I couldn’t lock myself in any rooms there.

“Okay. Just please tell me where we’re going is air conditioned.” I winced again. We we’re going to a BBQ at Clare’s family’s house. It wasn’t ideal but she wasn’t able to get out of it and this was the best compromise.

I showed Cat inside and let her go and freshen up, and before I’d even had a chance to call John we were off to Clare’s. When we arrived her whole family were there, and the place was crowded. I liked Clare’s parents. They’d always been nice to me, and welcomed me with open arms. They also had insanely good taste in music and that helped.

“Guys, this is Catherine.” I beamed. “Cat, this is Clare.” I said pointing to my short ginger friend. Clare wasn’t just ginger though, her hair was the brightest orange I had ever seen and her skin was the colour of porcelain covered in cute little freckles. I felt bad for her, being ginger meant she caught the sun easily and no matter how much sun cream she used she always ended up burnt in the summer. “And this is Fran.” Fran was a little shorter than I was and was naturally a mousey blonde but dyed her hair bright red. I didn’t understand why, it was such a difficult colour to keep and she had to dye her hair almost every two weeks.

“It’s nice to meet you. Maria talks about you all the time!” Cat chimed. I felt bad because although I had talked about them to her it wasn’t nearly as often as she made out, and nowhere near as much as I talked about her to them.

“Well it’s a real pleasure to finally be able to put a face to the stories. She talks about you a lot.” Fran smiled somewhat bitterly. I felt bad because I’d neglected our friendship ever since I’d gone away. Where I used to talk to Fran about everything, I now talked to Cat and I think that Fran knew this. It wasn’t that I valued her any less, but the only thing I had to talk about now really was John and I couldn’t talk to her about that. I was too worried about being found out, and I knew John didn’t want anyone to know. He didn’t even know Cat knew.

“So when do I get to meet Mr sexy?” Cat smirked and it took all I had not to kick her.

“Mr Sexy?” Clare asked obliviously, giving me a smirk. “Are you seeing someone and not telling us?” she laughed. I panicked. What was I supposed to say?

“She’s talking about Garrett. I showed her pictures of him, and well…” I laughed nervously. Clare just went along with it and proceeded to tell Cat all about her cousin. Fran however gave me a look of disbelief. Fran never believed me anymore. Not that I blamed her, I lied to her all the time. It wasn’t her fault she could tell I was lying.

I spent most of the rest of the BBQ avoiding Fran. We’d been there about an hour when I saw John’s family arrive. Shane was a year older than me, and unlike John I’d actually gotten along well with him. Ross was two years younger than me, and he was a nice kid. He’d always been a bit young to hang around with us until now. There was no denying the resemblance between the three brothers. Most argued they looked nothing like their parents, but I guess growing up and spending enough time with them all I could see a lot of John and Jenny in them.

“So how’s my bro treating you? Hear he’s your English teacher.” Shane smirked, handing me a beer.

“Oh you know John, he likes to keep me on my toes.” I rolled my eyes.

“If he gives you too much of a hard time let me know; I’ll sort him out for you.” I couldn’t help but laugh. Shane and John fighting was one of the funniest things I had ever seen. Neither could fight, and both were too scared to hit the other.

“Shane this is my friend Cat.” I wanted to change the conversation. I wondered if John had told Shane about us. I mean, I knew he wouldn’t tell his friends, but Shane was his brother. I realised I was being stupid, if Shane knew he’d done a very good job at hiding it.

“Maria darlin’!” Jenny drawled. “We haven’t seen you in so long!” she greeted, bending down to give me a hug. The O’Callaghan clan were all a lot taller than me, even Ross. John was by far the tallest though, he towered over all of them.

“I know, I’ve been away and when I got back I’ve just been so busy!” I lied. Well, I didn’t lie, it was kind of true, but I felt like going over there would be weird. I normally only went when I got dragged by Kennedy or when Shane invited me. John didn’t live there anymore and Shane was at college so he wasn’t there most the time anymore so I really had no reason to be there.

“Well you’ve gotta come over soon! Tell you what why don’t you and that pretty little friend of yours come over for dinner tomorrow?” How could I say no to Jenny?

“Well I’d love that!” I smiled. The next few hours passed quickly. It was nice to see people I hadn’t seen in so long, but it was weird. I realised how much had changed since I’d been away. Ross had got his first long term girlfriend, and to say he’d hit puberty was an understatement. Shane and his on and off again girlfriend had finally called it quits. My old best friend, Ashley’s, parents had split up and my old 3rd grade teacher had been arrested for child porn. It was so strange hearing about it, like it was something out of a book. People weren’t the same as they were when I left, and I was stupid to think they would be. I wasn’t the same person, so why should they be?

“Are you okay?” Shane asked. I’d been nursing the same beer for an hour, watching as Cat integrated herself into my life. She’d been chatting animatedly with Ross for half an hour, and it was pretty clear to see he was besotted with her, not that I could blame him. There was something contagious about her personality. She was the sort of person who just talked and talked and you wanted to listen. It didn’t matter what she was saying, you just wanted to listen.

I turned to face Shane. It was odd looking at him now, he looked so much like John, and I’d always known that, but only now did I notice how different they were. I’d never looked at him so carefully. Shane looked sad. I wanted to ask why, but I knew he wouldn’t tell me. He was one of those people that kept what he was thinking to his self; even if it ate him up inside. I’d mention something to John; maybe he’d be able to get it out of him. “I’m fine! Why’d you ask?” I smiled.

He shrugged, “You’ve had that same beer for an hour now, and you’ve barely said two words to anyone. Has this got something to do with John?” he asked, causing me to jerk. I hadn’t been expecting that, and it had caught me completely off guard.

I could feel the heat in my cheeks and I knew I had gone bright red. “What do you mean? Why would it have anything to do with him?” I snapped my head away. Avoiding eye contact.

“I…I’m not sure. Just…listen…I know something happened between you and John before…after he came and rescued you from that awful party…”

“Did he tell you that?” I interrupted.

“He didn’t have to. He didn’t shout at me every time I brought you up. There was just something different about him after that night. Mom nearly killed him you know. Your parents phoned up and when she went to ask John if he knew, he was gone and so was the truck. When neither of you answered my dad thought you two had run away together.” he half laughed.

“Why the heck would they think that?” I chuckled.

“Dad said it was only a matter of time before it happened. Mom smacked him and called him an idiot. I gotta admit it was pretty damn funny, apart from the fact we were all worried about you guys.” he shrugged.

“Well your daddy is outta his mind! Me and John aren’t going to run away together…I mean I hardly call that running away…well it was. I just needed space.” I babbled until he cut me off.

“Well you were both all smiles and laughs after that, for a few months at least. Then John got weird, and he got all snappy and angry again. It was pretty easy to tell what had happened. I mean you; we always knew you weren’t happy, but it was easy to see you were better when you were with him. After that the light in your eyes disappeared. Then you went away…and well…you’ve got that light in your eyes again and John’s been nicer, and he came home the other day out of the blue and bought mom flowers. So, I figured since you’re both happy again it might have to do with that.” he shrugged.

“You know, you’re far too observant for your own good.” I muttered. “It’s not that though. England just did me good. Maybe being a teacher is what’s doing John good?” I knew he hadn’t bought it. Since when had Shane been the observant one? That had always been John.

“I’m not going to say anything you know. I get it. I do. You two can’t be together. I’m just glad you’re happy Maria, you deserve it, and as much as I may pretend to hate him, he deserves to be happy too.” I couldn’t help but fling my arms around his neck, pulling him into a giant hug.

“Thank you.” I whispered, letting him go. I didn’t say anything else and neither did he. I handed him my beer and went to round everyone up, it was time to head to the party, and I couldn’t wait for Cat to meet John. She’d love him, I just knew she would.

When we got there his house was filled with people. It was a lot less than had been at Kennedy’s and for that I was glad. The fact it was at John’s basically meant that no one from school was going to be there. He’d put a ban on anyone from school attending, claiming he could lose his job if they found out he was giving alcohol to underage kids. Me, Fran and Clare were the only exceptions.

It didn’t take me long to find John, he was stood by the music, beer and cigarette in hand. “John, this is Cat. Cat this is Mr O’Callaghan.” I mocked, earning me a sharp jab to the ribs.

“Pleasure to meet you.” John drawled as he did a little bow.

“Get up you prick.” I joked. “What are you even doing? This music is shit!”

“Tom Petty is not shit!” he growled.

“It’s hardly party worthy. Did you even get food?” I looked around, unable to spot anything.

“Well then you pick something! And of course I got food it’s in the kitchen! Where food belongs!”

“You two are like an old married couple! It’s so cute!” Cat barked, her eyes wide as she stared at us with her little puppy dog eyes. She looked like she wanted to pinch our cheeks.

“Excuse me?” John asked, suddenly alarmed by her comment. I suddenly felt my stomach drop. Had I told her John didn’t know she knew? Was he really going to mind? I tried desperately to give Cat a warning look, to make he keep her mouth shut, but she was completely oblivious.

“Like, you’re such a cute couple. I can just imagine you guys in 50 years sat in your front porch.” she would have continued had she not seen the look John shot me.

“Upstairs. My room. Now.” he demanded, completely ignoring Cat. I shot her an apologetic look before following him upstairs. Luckily it was early enough in the evening that people weren’t drunk enough to make their way up here.

“Did you tell her?” he spat angrily.

I winced. I’d never seen John look at me like that before. He’d got mad, but never in that way. “I didn’t think it’d matter.” I mumbled. I wasn’t even sure how he heard me it was that low.

“Doesn’t matter? What if she lets slip while she’s here? Or what if someone saw the messages you’ve undoubtedly sent her? What then? It’s not your career, your life, on the line here. It’s mine. You know what? I thought you’d grown up. I thought you were mature enough for this, but you clearly aren’t. You can’t even keep it to yourself!” he spat as tears rolled down my cheeks. I was an angry crier, and not only was I upset at John, I was angry.

“You think I’d risk that? You think I’d be so stupid as to risk that? I delete every message I send her, and I changed all of my passwords. I do everything I can to keep it a secret, but I need someone to talk to. Cat’s been where we are, she’s had an affair with a teacher, she knows what is at stake here, but I needed someone to talk to. Someone I could trust. I can’t talk to Fran or Clare about it and it’s killing me. Fran knows I’m keeping something from her and it’s driving a wedge between us, but to me that doesn’t matter, if I have to lose her as a friend to be with you then so be it. I love her, but I am in love with you. You silly little man. I am in love with you and I would do anything to protect you, but I NEED to talk to SOMEONE about us. I am mature enough, I have grown up, maybe it’s you who hasn’t.”

“How come you need someone to talk to but I don’t? I never wanted to drive a wedge between you and Fran. I don’t want you to have to give up being a normal teenager to be with me. I want you to be happy, and I want to be with you, but I can’t risk my job and my freedom for it; not when if we wait a year it’ll be perfectly legal.” he sighed.

“You want someone to talk to? Go talk to Shane, he already knows.” I snapped. I was fed up with being treated like a child by him.

“You told him too?” he shouted, even angrier this time.

“No you fucktard you did! When you came home for dinner and handed your mom flowers. He knew then. He knew when we were together before too. He could see that I made you happy, so why couldn’t you?” I sobbed. I didn’t want to fight with John. I just wanted him to hold me and tell me he was sorry, that everything was going to be okay, because if I was truthful; I was in over my head. I was terrified of losing him again because I didn’t know if I’d be able to cope again. I didn’t like the idea of being so weak, I didn’t like relying so heavily on one person, it wasn’t healthy.

“Since when couldn’t I stay mad at you?” he was exasperated. “I love you Maria. I knew it then and I know it now. I love you, and you’re the only person that makes me this happy. You’re the only person, who makes me feel, and I’m not just talking about love, you make me feel everything. You make me realise how lucky I am to be alive, but I’m so fucking scared of that being taken away from us and people knowing is what’s going to do that. I’m sorry I got mad, but I felt like a deer caught in headlights. I just wish you’d told me before hand.” he sighed, resting his forehead against mine.

“If you knew it then then why did you walk away?” I asked. This was the first time we had really talked about this. He’d told me he’d never stopped caring about me, but he’d never really told me why he’d done what he had. I mean he’d claimed to love me, but how much can you love a person if you you’re willing to cheat on them?

He seemed hesitant, like he was worried what my reaction might be. “You were a kid. You were barely sixteen and I was twenty two and still had so much growing up to do. I wanted to be with you, but you were a kid and then Kennedy said something to me and I just freaked out. I couldn’t do it anymore. I was scared. I’d never done the whole serious relationship thing, and now I was dating a sixteen year old. You were a kid. I still felt like a kid. We both had a lot of growing up to do, and we needed time apart to do it. I never stopped caring about you, I never stopped loving you. I just did what I thought I had to, and I’ve hated myself for it ever since.” I sat in awe. I wasn’t really sure what to say to him. I wasn’t even sure I had heard most of what he had said.

“John…why didn’t you just tell me, I would have listened.” I wanted badly for that to be the truth, but looking back to how I was back then I knew I was probably lying. He was right. I had needed to grow up and so had he. “What did Kennedy say?”

“Jared made a joke about you being hot. It was a joke to wind him up, but when he replied, he didn’t look at Jared, he looked at me. He said if he ever found out one of us was messing around with you there wouldn’t be a force on this earth that could stop him from killing us. He just kept pointing out you were a kid, and how you still slept with a teddy, and you still climbed into his bed when there was a storm or you’d had a nightmare. He made me realise you were still a kid and what I was doing was wrong. I think he knew I had feelings for you, I don’t think he knew I was acting on them. If he had I probably wouldn’t be sat here right now.” he laughed softly. Of course Kenny would do something like that. He’d always been the over protective big brother. I’d only started hanging around with him and the rest of the guys because as I got older he was worried about me and I wanted to keep an eye on me. It was cute at times, but sometimes it got annoying. This was one of those times.

“I’m sorry, he shouldn’t have said that stuff. It wasn’t true anyway, well it is, he just made it sound like something it wasn’t. Every teenage girl still has at least one teddy, and I’d still climb in his bed now during a storm if I could because I’m terrified of them. It has nothing to do with my age or maturity.” I was terrified of storms because a tree outside my cousins house had been hit by lightning and it fell on their house. My cousin nearly died and after that I was just scared to die alone.

“He was right though. You were still a kid, and you still are now in a sense, but you’re old enough to know what you want now. I believe that, if I didn’t we wouldn’t be stood here.” He admitted. I gave John one last apologetic look before leaning up to place a kiss on his lips. Which wasn’t actually an easy feat considering I was only 5’5 and he was 6’2. ‘I love you’ he mumbled against my lips.

I finally pulled away, and suggested we go back and join the rest of the party before people came to find one of us, plus he still needed to actually meet Cat properly. I wanted them to get on, and we hadn’t exactly left things in the best place.

“I love you Maria. Please don’t ever doubt that, no matter what happens in the future, I love you.” he paused his eyes burrowing into my soul. There was something sad about them and I wanted to ask him what was wrong, but before I got a chance I heard Kennedy drunkenly shouting our names from the corridor, begging us to come join the party. John placed one last peck on my lips and stormed out into the corridor, dragging Kennedy downstairs before I even left the room.