Listen to Your Heart

When I eventually woke up I had Cat’s arms wrapped around me. I’d barely slept, and the little sleep I had had was broken. My nose was stuffy, and my eyes were stinging like someone had been sticking pins into my eyelids. I wanted nothing more than to pretend the last 24 hours had never happened.

“Hey, are you awake?” Cat whispered, pulling her arm from around me. I hummed, acknowledging her because I wasn’t sure I could actually speak. My throat was still closed up, dry from all the sobbing, and I was sure I looked like a goldfish from all the crying. I hadn’t got to sleep till nearly 5am.

“What happened?” She finally asked. I knew she knew. I knew she knew when I walked in the dining room after John’s mom had shown me the photos, but I suppose she was asking what he’d actually said to me.

“He told me I wasn’t worth it.” I sobbed again. How could he be so cruel? How could someone be so heartless to say something like that, even if it were true? It was like he wanted to hurt me.

Cat gasped, sitting upright. “I’m sure he didn’t mean that!” She protested, but it was no good. Why else would he say it?

Cat shot me a tentative look before running to the front door. Leaving me alone with John. Silence filled the air once again. This time I was the one to break it. I just wanted it over and done with. Like a band aid.

“Just say it.” I snapped. My throat began to close as I choked back tears. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. I couldn’t bear to see the pity in his eyes.

“Maria…” he choked out, “look at me, please?” he begged. I managed to pull myself together enough to face him. His face was distorted, like he was in physical pain, and it was clear he’d been crying, and I was sure he was going to start again soon.

“Please, just don’t do it.” I begged, pleaded. I never thought I’d lower myself enough to beg someone not to leave me, but I needed him.

“I’m so sorry, Maria. I can’t do this anymore. It’s just not worth it.” Something in his face hardened, and that pain that had been there before was pushed to the side. It was like looking at two different people. This wasn’t the John I knew. This John was hard and heartless. His eyes had grown heavy and dark.

“Not worth it?”

“There’s just too much to lose. More and more people are finding out, and it’s just not worth the risk any more. I like you Maria, but not this much. I thought I could do it, but I didn’t realise this many people would find out.” He sighed, not looking away from me. I waited for him to falter so I could call his bluff but there was nothing. His face was still hard as stone. No sign of remorse.

“John, please. I love you, and I know you love me. We can do this. Fight for us dammit!” I snapped. I thought I would handle this better, but I was just so desperate.

“I thought I loved you, but I just don’t think I do. I think I made myself believe I did, but this has just proved to me I don’t. You’re too young, too immature. You’re just not what I want. You’re not worth it.” He bit. I thought last time hurt. I never thought I could feel that heart broken again, but nothing compared to how I felt at that moment. Panic. Desperation. Fear. Nausea. Empty. Dull. Black. Gray. If I hadn’t been sat down I would have collapsed.

“If that’s how you feel.” I croaked. I managed to regain the use of my arm; flinging the door of his truck open.

“I’m sorry Maria, I never meant to hurt you.” but some how it felt like a lie, and even if he meant it, what did it matter? He had.

“No, I understand. Good bye John.” I whispered, avoiding looking at him for fear my resolve would crumble.

“I’ll see you soon.” he replied, starting his engine as I slammed the door. He didn’t even wait for me to get to the front door before he drove off.

“Maria, look at me!” Cat snapped, pulling me out of my head. “What he said, he’s wrong! He’s going to spend the rest of his life regretting this. I promise you. He may not realise it, but you are the best thing that is ever going to happen to that man. He’ll see that soon enough.”

I wanted to believe her, but John was a smart man. He knew what was best for him. He always had. He got what he wanted, when he wanted it and he always succeeded. I’d never met anyone brighter, or more insightful.

“I’d still take him back in a second, you know?” I sobbed, laughing bitterly. I’d never been ‘weak’ and this was my definition of weak. I relied on John to be happy, and I couldn’t think of anything in this world than relying on another person to be happy. He’d become my world, and I knew that was wrong, but this time I really believed he felt the same. I really believed that he loved me and that we were going to be okay. Why else go through all of this?

“You would?” She seemed shocked, almost as shocked as I was.

I nodded, “Anything to make this pain go away. I didn’t realise how physical this pain would be.” I admitted. I felt bad. I was a very open person, more open than most people, and I realised I was probably making Catherine uncomfortable. It wasn’t fair for me to unload all of this on her. She’d come here for her holiday, and I was ruining it by being so morbid.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be unloading all of this on you.” I apologised, pulling myself from my bed. I needed to get showered and get dressed. It would help. I knew I couldn’t just lay in bed all day moping.

"Maria, you never have to be sorry for unloading on me, you are always there for me, and this is just me returning the favour. Whenever, whatever, I'm here." She replied softly, urging me to believe her, and I did, but that didn't mean it was fair on her.

"What do you want to do today?" I asked, shooting her a smile, but even I could tell it didn't reach my eyes. We were supposed to be going to another BBQ, but I didn't have it in me to see everyone. I just wanted to spend the day with Cat.

"How do you feel about going to get our tattoo?" She asked. We'd planned to do it while she was here, but we hadn't set a date. I'd talked to Drew and he told me to just drop by the shop whenever, and he'd try and fit us in. It wasn't a busy week for him.

"Today? I guess we could." I knew it was something that would make me feel better, and the more I thought about it the better idea it seemed.

"It's fitting too." She smirked.

I nodded. It was, and it would serve as I reminder to me that going back wasn't an option any more. I pulled out my phone to text Drew. I thought it was probably more polite than just showing up and expecting him to be free.

"I'm going to go and shower." Cat nodded, not looking up from her phone.

I turned on the water, it was so hot that the mirror had steamed up before I had even finished undressing. When I stepped in I gasped and nearly jumped back out again. The water was nearly boiling, but I needed it. As I let the water wash over me I felt the muscles in my back and neck loosen, and the weight in my chest began to lift. I stayed like that for a while, till the water was beginning to cool, before clambering out and stepping in front of the mirror.

I felt better. I felt healthier. I felt fresh. I didn't feel whole though. I still felt empty. I stared at my fogged reflection in the mirror, but even through the condensation I could see my eyes were still red and puffy, and my skin was still horrible. I'd never really felt insecure. I mean I had for a while, after John and then after Luke, but never to the extent Clare had. I'd always known I was pretty. It wasn't something that mattered to me though. Boys never paid special attention to me. I didn't get what I wanted because of the way I looked. I wasn't special, but I was pretty.

"Your phones ringing!" Cat called through the door. I wrapped the towel tightly around my torso before pulling the door to my bathroom open abruptly.

I managed to answer just time time for the last ring, it was Drew. "Hello?"

"Hey, Maria. So, I have a couple hours free now if you're ready? It's $100 each, is that okay?" It wasn't bad. I'd expected it to be more than that if I were honest.

"That's fine! We'll be there in fifteen. See you, Drew." I finished getting dressed. I didn't bother with make up. I didn't see the point. If the tattoo didn't hurt enough to make me cry I was going to end up crying anyway.

"You ready?" I called as I finished pulling the brush through my hair. When I opened the door Cat was stood there fully dressed, looking perfect as always. Eyeliner perfectly applied. Wings and all. It was something I could never get the hang of, and I was insanely jealous.

"Ready as I'll ever be." She stuttered. She was nervous, that much was obvious.

"You don't have to get one if you don't want." I assured her. We were planning on matching tattoos, but she had a fear of needles. She didn't even have her ears pierced. Her mom had taken her to get it done, but she'd almost passed out at the sight of the gun.

"I want to. Just, you might need to hold me down." She laughed half heartedly. I'd never really understood the fear of needles, but then again I had a fear of feet so I wasn't one to comment.

The tattoo shop was only a ten minute walk away, so we walked. My stomach in knots the closer we got. Drew knew what we wanted, and I'd made sure he had it perfect before I'd agreed to let him do it, but still, there was a part of me that was terrified, not of the needle, but it was so permanent.

"Hey!" Drew called as we walked into the shop. It was almost dead, apart from one customer at the end with Bogan.

"Hey." I smiled back. Drew and I had known each other for a few years. He was a friend of Kennedy's. He was a few years ahead of them at school, but he'd been cool. He bought us beer and gave good tattoos.

"You guys ready? Who's going first?" He asked, looking between us.

"Maria is." Cat offered before I even had a chance to speak. I felt my jaw go slack, but at the same time I guess it made sense. I was the one who had wanted the tattoo in the first place. She was just going along with it, and maybe seeing me get mine done would ease her mind. So long as I didn't pass out.

I slunk down in the chair as Drew talked us through the procedure. "So, we ready?" He asked as he applied the stencil to my feet. I was getting "Before you asked which way to go, remember where you've been." tattooed, in Alex Gaskarth's handwriting. I'd met him last summer when I was in England, and I'd dragged Catherine to their concert. I'd spent two years waiting to meet him for this reason.

"So, why these lyrics?" Drew asked as he fired up the gun. I tried to ignore the sound and focus on the question, but it was hard and the gun was loud.

"Um..." I gulped, "The song just means a lot to me. Whenever something goes wrong I listen to it, and things just feel clearer, and those are the lyrics that stand out to me." I muttered.

"Any reason these ones stand out?" He asked as I felt the first sharp prick against my skin. It took everything I had not to jerk my foot away. It hadn't hurt, but it was still an unusual feeling. It felt more irritating that painful.

"I just think it's a really good way to view life." I could feel my heart rate begin to steady as I got used to the feeling.

"It is."

"They're just particularly important today. I broke up with my boyfriend last night, and it'll serve as a reminder that going back isn't what I need." I admitted, though somewhat foolishly. It wasn't entirely impossible that Drew would mention it to Kennedy, or John. Though I somewhat hoped he'd mention it to John.

"I didn't know you had a boyfriend." He replied in surprise.

"Yeah, it was kinda a new thing. It just didn't work out. He was part of my past, and I should have known it wouldn't work." I shrugged, but my chest was tight, and if I didn't know better I would say I was about to have a heart attack.

"Well, I think it's very fitting." He smiled. "So, is there anything else going on in your life?" He asked, and I told him about my falling out with Fran, though not why and he seemed to understand.

"I like the girl, don't get me wrong. She's just seriously uptight sometimes. She needs to learn she can't control everything. I assume you're going to get a massive 'I told you so.'" I'd told him she didn't approve of my boyfriend, but not why.

"I don't doubt it."

"Well that's that foot done. Onto the next one. Do you need a break?"

"No. I'm fine actually." I probably sounded more shocked than I had intended to, but it went quicker than I thought, and for an area that was supposed to be especially sensitive I still nothing more than a mild irritation.

After not more than ten minutes he was completely finished. He was giving me all the information I needed about taking care of the tattoo but I was too busy staring at my feet. I had a phobia of feet, but today that didn't matter because I was utterly fascinated with the tattoo that now adorned my foot. It was beautiful. It was perfect. I felt more tears roll down my face. I had been waiting for years for this tattoo, and now I finally had it and it was perfect.

"Did you get all that?"He finally asked, and I nodded. I knew Cat had been listening. He handed me a piece of paper with all the information on anyway.

"Do you want me to start on you?" He asked Cat who had lost all her colour and her skin had gone obviously clammy. She didn't speak, just gulped and nodded.

"Let's just get it over and done with." She rasped.

He looked at her sceptically, "We don't have to do this you know?" He reminded her. I didn't want her to get this just for me. I wanted her to actually want it.

"Yeah, we do." She replied adamantly. She looked so determined. I was proud of her. It must be hard to face such a huge fear.

I watched patiently as Drew painted her skin with indelible ink. She winced a few times, and he stopped for her, but it didn't take her much longer than it took me, and he was good at keeping her calm.

When they were all done Drew wished us luck and we were on our way. It felt odd...I felt different, and I couldn't explain it. "So, what do you want to do now?" Cat asked as we wandered the streets of Tempe. The sun was beating down against our skin, and the heat was becoming too much for even me. The sun was at it's highest point and there was no shade around.

"I want to show you somewhere." I admitted, changing direction slightly abruptly. I wanted to show her my favourite place in the world. It was silly really, but there was something about that place that meant so much to me. It represented peace and tranquility. Even Fran and Clare didn't know about it. The only people who did were John and Kennedy.

I picked up my pace despite Catherine's protests, but it was hot and I wanted out of the sun, and the quicker we walked the quicker it was going to happen.

Eventually we made it to the park. There were no kids around. It was too hot, and the parents had pulled all their kids inside. I flopped down in my space under the tree and Catherine looked at me in confusion. I suppose she expected something amazing, but to me this was amazing.

"What are we doing here?" she asked, finally realising this is what I wanted to show her.

I motioned for her to take a seat next to me and she did. "This is where I come when I want to be alone. Only two other people know this is where I come." I admitted to her. The park was completely out of my way, and I don't think anyone would ever expect to find me here. Kennedy only knew about it because he followed me one day, and well John; John was the only person I had actually told.

"John and Kennedy?" She guessed and I nodded. "Why did you really bring me here Maria?" She asked thoughtfully, and truthfully I wasn't sure.

"I brought John here when we first started seeing each other the first time. I wanted to share it with him, because for some stupid reason this place is a big part of me, and I thought it was a good way of opening myself up to him, because I was always so closed off to him. He understood though, I think. I think he got why I loved this place, and he understood how much it meant to me showing him this place. He respected it, or I thought he did. This is where he apologised to me. I told him to get lost. If I'd just stuck to my guns about him." I barely managed to finish. I was weeping again. I thought I was going to be okay, but how could I be okay when the man I loved didn't love me any more? How could I be okay when I couldn't even come to my favourite place without thinking of him?

"God, Cat what am I going to do without him?" I wept. Tears streaming down my face. I thought I was going to be okay. I thought I was stronger than this. There was something about John though. He broke down my walls and he did it so easily, like they were made of paper. He tore down my walls and left me standing there naked and bare like it never even mattered. I'd never hated someone more, and I don't even mean John. I hated myself. I hated myself for letting him back in despite my better judgement. I knew he was just going to break my heart, but god I hoped I was wrong. I wanted nothing more than to be proved wrong, but I'd been right and now I was crying on my best friends shoulder in the park and praying to god to take away the gaping hole in my chest because it felt like I was drowning and I didn't know which way was up.

"You're going to survive. You're going to keep going. You're going to finish school and travel the world. You're going to read so much literature that your head bursts. You're going to go to university and learn and become whatever you want. You're going to be the best you that you can possibly be. You're going to live your life for you." she seemed angry with me. "You're better than moping over some pathetic excuse of a man. He'll be lonely for the rest of his life, and in a few years he'll be a distant memory. You'll sit there with your husband and children and Kennedy will mention him and you'll look back and laugh and think 'man I got out just in time' and you'll be happy and he'll be alone."

I stared at her in shock. Cat wasn't the person to tell you that everything was going to be okay. She was honest. Kind, but honest. It was what I liked about her, she didn't lie to me. I could trust her, and somehow she made me feel a little better. She made me feel like there was hope. Maybe. Just a little, but enough.

"Thank you." I mumbled. "I really love this place." I sighed. The children were coming back out to play. Lathered in sun screen and screaming. The sun had begun to fade in the sky and there was a slight breeze now. It was perfect. Just how I liked it.

"It's nice. Tranquil." she smiled softly, leaning back against the tree trunk.

"Do you think I'll ever truly get over him?" I asked. I wanted to believe I could, but at the same time the thought scared me. John was part of my life for so long that I didn't know how I'd cope without him in it any more. It wouldn't be like last time. I wouldn't be made to hang around with him casually. I wouldn't be able to still have his company, but at the same time I wouldn't be able to escape seeing him every day.

She paused, "I think you're already healing." she admitted, pointing at my foot. I nodded. She was right. Something about the tattoo did make me feel like I was healing. It served as a reminder not to look back. It was helping.

"I'm going to be okay." I nodded. I wasn't sure how long it would take, and I didn't know which path to take to get there, but I knew which path not to take. Life was about making mistakes until you found the right path. As Thomas Edison said about creating the light bulb "I have no failed. I have just found 100 ways that do not work." and that's what life's about. Half the fun is in the journey, and in finding the paths that don't work, so that when you finally find the right one you appreciate it more. John was just one more wrong path, and one day I'd be okay with that, but for now I was going to hurt, because it's okay to hurt when the man you love doesn't love you back. One day I'll find my right path.