Listen to Your Heart

Class the next day was unbearable. People now knew about my past with John, or at least knew that I knew him. I’d spent the day receiving filthy looks from petty teenage girls, and I’d wanted to kill myself. John was also insufferable, calling on me constantly in class in an attempt to catch me out at the first opportunity, just waiting for me to snap at him. I, however, wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction; he wasn’t going to win this. I was.

“Maria, can you give me the answer?” he asked, snapping me from my thoughts. This time I had no idea what the answer was, I had no idea what he had even said.

“Sorry sir, I didn’t hear the question.” I admitted, reluctantly. I could see the smug look forming on John’s perfectly chiselled face. I wanted to scream at him, to tell him to grow up and stop being so petty. That I was a student here and our personal lives should be separate. He was going to be affecting my education, and he needed to put his silly grudges to the side.

“I’d like for you to pay more attention please. How do you expect to learn anything if you aren’t paying attention?” I managed, barely, to hold back my anger. How could he be so petty about all of this? I was supposed to be the child, not him. If this continued I was going to have to consider swapping classes, because I wasn’t going to fail English because of him. I wanted a career from this, not unlike his own.

“Sorry sir.” I mumbled instead. Maybe I could try talking to him or Kennedy first. That way I wouldn’t have to lose this bet, because if I had to swap class then it would appear like I was trying to avoid him.

John went back to his lesson, and I went back to day dreaming. He didn’t call on me again, thank God, and soon enough the bell rang signalling it was time for me to leave for Psychology, which was good because I needed to see my friends. I’d been avoiding Clare and Francesca all morning, not wanting to explain last night. I knew Fran had been texting Kenny though; I’d seen his phone flash up with her name countless times throughout the night.

When I arrived I was one of the first ones there. I’d practically run from English, wanting to avoid any possible chance of a conversation with John.

“So, are you done avoiding us?” Fran asked as she took her seat next to me, and Clare on the other side of me, almost as if they were trapping me.

“I wasn’t avoiding you, I woke up late.” I lied.

Fran rolled her eyes, “Kennedy told me about last night, now we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but I think we should.” I knew I had to talk to them about it really, I mean who else could I talk about it with? Clearly I couldn’t trust Kennedy anymore, but at the same time Clare and Fran didn’t know half of the story, they didn’t know why I truly hated him. I wasn’t prepared to tell them yet either. I didn’t want them to think less of me. Things after Luke were bad enough, but if they knew about John too, things would be so much worse. I knew Clare worried about me constantly, I’d caught the looks she’d been giving me the past few days and I didn’t want to add to it. I sighed, what else could I do but keep it from them?

“It’s nothing; we’re trying to sort it out. Make things easier for all of us, you know?” I smiled, but I knew they didn’t believe me.

Fran threw me a look that told me this wasn’t over, but I pretended I didn’t see it and got on with the work that was on the board, “So, I hear your brother is having a party on Saturday night.” Fran commented. I stared at her in confusion, what was she talking about? “So he didn’t tell you then?” she shifted awkwardly in her chair, avoiding my gaze.

“No.” What had happened while I was away? Kennedy used to tell me everything, and now I seemed to be finding things out from my best friend instead.

“Um, well, yeah he’s having a party. I assumed you knew.” she stuttered.

Clare interrupted, “Are you going to go though?” I thought for a moment, would John be there? If so I wasn’t sure I wanted to go...then again going could work to my advantage.

I could tell Clare wanted me there so I relented, “Yeah I’ll go.” I smiled. Something told me the night wasn’t going to go as smoothly as I hoped. I settled back down to work, I was adamant that I was going to keep on top of work this term.

“Did you do much drinking in England?” Allie, the girl in front of me asked. Allie and I had been really close friends at one point, but things had changed between her and I. She’d become someone I didn’t want to know, and we’d drifted apart, we still talked occasionally though.

“That first few weeks involved a lot of heavy drinking, but I actually haven’t drunk in nearly two months.” I admitted, causing a gasp from both her and Fran, “I just wanted to enjoy my time there, sober.” The truth was, when I left I was drinking heavily and leaving made me realise that. I wasn’t in a good place and I needed to change that, and England gave me the perfect opportunity to do so.

“I cannot imagine you not drinking.” Fran laughed.

The day continued monotonously, and I couldn’t wait to get home and call Kennedy out on his shit again. I was fed up of finding things out on my own. He was supposed to tell me this stuff, least he always had before. I always told him everything, well almost everything. Anything he needed to know, he would.

I knew he and Fran had become close over the summer, but that didn’t give him the right to replace me with my best friend, to forget about me. Logically I knew this wasn’t the case, but I wasn’t feeling very logical. I was feeling selfish and petty. I was supposed to be the glue that held Kennedy and Fran together; with me gone they were supposed to drift apart, not become close. I guess it made me feel kind of useless, like I didn’t matter anymore. It was pathetic and childish, and I hated it, but somehow I couldn’t seem to help myself. I wanted to scream and stomp my feet and demand they were being unfair.

Instead I went home to grab a book before walking to the park to read for a while. I hadn’t read much whilst in England and I needed to catch up on my reading list, I’d promised myself from the age of thirteen that I’d read at least one book a week, and with the exception of the past summer I had stuck to that, even during exam times.

I grabbed a seat under the oak tree that overlooked the children’s play park. The echoes of children’s laughter filled my ears and I felt myself relax against the tree trunk as I read. It was nice to be home, I had missed the blazing sun and the dusty air. I read for a while before closing my book to watch the children as they played. To be so young and naive again...

I was snatched from my thoughts as I felt someone sink down beside me, “I thought I might find you here.” I felt my body tense with anger. How dare he come here?

“Why are you here?” I snapped. I didn’t care; no one was around to hear. I was furious, he knew what this place meant to me, yet he was still willing to taint it with his presence.

I felt John sigh, his breath brushing gently against my neck, sending shivers down my spine, “I came to see you. To apologise for class today. To ask you if you’re coming to the part on Saturday?”

I couldn’t help but see red. He knew not to interrupt me here. Even in our short stint as ‘friends’ he knew not to come here, that here was where I came to be alone, to be at peace. Yet here he was now, interrupting me to ask if I was coming to a party, “You’re an arse.” was all I said before I stood to leave. I grabbed my book and attempted to storm off, but I felt his hand wrap around my arm and gently pull me back.

“I’m sorry for coming here, but I couldn’t wait.” he had a focus in his eyes like I’d never seen. He was determined about something; whatever it was was bothering him immensely. I was still angry, and I still wanted to scream and shout at him, but something told me that now was not the time.

I looked him in the eyes before talking, “John, what’s wrong?” my voice softening from the harsh tone that I had before.

He paused a moment, searching my eyes for something, before sighing again, “I am trying you know, I don’t mean to hurt you.”

“You don’t hurt me.” I interrupted.

“Maria, I see the look in your eye whenever I speak to you, I know I hurt you. I know what my words do to you, but I can’t seem to stop, and it’s killing me thinking I hurt you....that I have hurt you. I hope you know that what happened... I never wanted that to happen. I never intended to hurt you.” his eyes fixed on mine, pleading with me to understand, to forgive him. Part of me wanted to, part of me wanted to fall into John’s arms and tell him it was okay. That I forgave him. To go back to being friends, because now we could never be anything more. However, another part of me wanted to scream at him, to slap him and call him an idiot. How dare he think that this would make everything okay after what he did? I knew forgiving John would be the wrong thing, he’d learn nothing and I’d only end up hurt again.

“No John, saying that does not make things okay. You never even said sorry then...You may not have meant to hurt me, but you did. You hurt me more than anyone ever has before and you never even seemed to care. You continued with your life as if nothing had happened and left the others to pick up the pieces, but no one even knew why they were picking up the pieces. I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone, and if I’m honest, I was too ashamed to tell anyone anyway. You hurt me John, and left me there alone, stranded, like I was nothing. You can’t just tell me you never meant to hurt me and think I can go on and pretend like nothing ever happened. I’m sorry John, but I just can’t do that.” by this point John had released my arm, and he was staring at me in shock. He hadn’t expected me to refuse his feeble attempt at an apology, but I was glad I had.

I took my chance, and darted away. Leaving John stood under the tree alone. Now it would forever be tainted with that memory. The only place I had left, protected from him. I decided on the long route home, wanting to avoid human contact for as long as possible. I just wanted to cry and pretend that I hadn’t seen the hurt in his eyes as I walked away. I just wanted things to go back to how they were before. They would never be the same again though, and I was scared. Scared of losing everything I had ever known. Scared of losing what little I had left of myself. I was so terribly scared.