Listen to Your Heart

I skipped school the next day, not wanting to see John again. I waited till my parents left for work before going back to bed. All I wanted to do was lay there and watch cheesy movies and eat ice cream, while feeling sorry for myself. So that’s what I did. I sat watching Pretty in Pink on my laptop whilst shovelling Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.

Around midday I heard my phone go off, it was my ringtone for Kennedy. I figured he would call when John realised I wasn’t in class he’d text Kennedy to ask where I was. I ignored it, letting it ring to answer phone before turning it off. I didn’t want to speak to him. I didn’t want to speak to anyone. Least of all my brother.
I lay in bed for a while longer before deciding to get dressed and go out. I needed some air, and to finish my book. I needed to get out of the house. I grabbed my bag, exiting the house. I felt the cool breeze against my skin, making me feel refreshed. The walk took me longer than usual, I was taking my time. I was in no rush, and it felt good. When I got there though that feeling of peace left me. Kenny was sat in my spot under the tree; I felt my eyes well with tears. Could I not be left in peace for one day? All I wanted was one day to avoid my troubles.

“I wondered when you’d show up.” he said as he stood, walking slowly towards me. I stared at him indignantly. I didn’t say a word, just stared, “You weren’t answering.” he stated as if that made it okay.

“What is it with you and your friends not respecting my space?” I growled, storming past him to my seat under the tree.

“It’s a park, you can’t claim it as your space Maria.” he scolded. I didn’t reply. I opened my book in an attempt to ignore him in the hopes that he would leave. I knew this was futile of course, my brother was much like myself in his stubbornness. Instead we sat in silence for a while, I could feel his eyes on me as I read, or attempted to read. I refused to turn my gaze to him, and I could feel him getting agitated.

Finally I relented, he wasn’t going anywhere and I couldn’t concentrate on my book with him reading over my shoulder, “What do you want?” I sighed, closing my book and finally facing him.

“Why weren’t you at school today?” he asked,

“I didn’t feel like facing anyone. I needed space.”

“You didn’t feel like facing anyone? You wanted space? Fucking hell Maria! You had nearly three months of space! How dare you? You left us all here, and we accepted that, but now you’re back and all you want to do is escape again?” Kennedy was fuming. I had never seen him so angry, so hurt.

I looked at him in shock, I honestly had not expected that, and now I was unsure what to say. Did he really feel that way? “Kennedy...it’s not about you...” he didn’t let me finish before cutting me off.

“No, it’s selfish. Have you ever considered how we felt when you ran off?” he spat.

“If I’d stayed, I wouldn’t be stood here right now.” I stated calmly. Looking him directly in the eye, in an attempt to convey just how serious I was, “When I left Kennedy, I wasn’t sure I was coming back.” When I’d left I’d done it in an attempt to save myself, or at least save them.

“I...I never knew...” I could see the tears pooling in his eyes. His head was cocked slightly to the side and his eyes showed hurt and confusion, “Why did you never tell me?” he asked, I could hear his throat closing up as his voice broke slightly.

“I...I didn’t want to hurt you. I didn’t want anyone to know.” Because the last person who knew, only made it worse.

“You should have told me.” his voice was laced with hurt and betrayal. He was angry at me and, and I couldn’t really blame him, I would have been angry too. He didn’t understand though, it wasn’t that I hadn’t wanted to tell him, it was that I couldn’t. I’d tried on several occasions. The time I had come the closest was after an argument we had had.

Kennedy stood in front of me, glaring at me with what I was sure was hatred, “I don’t fucking understand you Maria. You make no fucking sense.” this only caused me to sob harder, my whole body had began to shake now, and I could feel my throat closing up, “Would you stop fucking crying? What is wrong with you?” he shouted.

I stared at him, pleading him to understand. To see what I was feeling. I tried to tell him. I wanted to tell him, but no words found their way from my mouth. My mind was racing with all the things I wanted to say, all the things I was begging him to understand. I just wanted him to be able to read my mind, to understand that I wanted to tell him, that I was trying, but I couldn’t. The words wouldn’t leave my lips. Instead I stood, crying, unable to speak, as Kennedy grew more angry at me.

“Would you just fucking tell me what’s wrong?” he shouted, this time his voice was venomous. His frustration was growing. I wanted to end it, I wanted to tell him, make him understand. To get it off my chest, but instead I continued stare, the only noise was that of my sobs.

We sat in silence for another hour before I finally gave in and retreated to my room where I could cry in peace. We never spoke of it again.

“I tried.” I whispered. He’d never understand how much I tried.

“When?” he asked, “I would have listened if you had.”

“You would have listened, but you never looked...” I really didn’t want to talk about any of this, “It’s over now Kennedy, I just needed some space today. I’m better now, I really am, but today I needed space.” I sighed.

Kennedy looked at me sceptically, searching my eyes for any sign that I was lying, not that he’d notice even if I was. He nodded rigidly. I knew he wasn’t satisfied with my response, but he also knew it was the one he was going to get at the present time.

I decided to change the topic to something slightly more light hearted, “So am I invited to your party on Saturday?” I glared playfully, pointing out he hadn’t invited me.

“Oh yeah, are you coming?” he smiled. He still wasn’t happy, and something had changed in the way that he looked at me.

“Yeah, if I’m invited.” I smirked, “Is John going?” I asked.

“Yeah, why?”

“Well I was just thinking since students are going to be there, would he be allowed?” Surely there had to be some rule against socialising with students outside of school, especially in such situations.

“Well it’ll only be you, Fran and Clare. I don’t think any of you are going to mention it, and they can’t expect him to stop hanging around with his friends just because he became a teacher.” I rolled my eyes, Kennedy always saw things so simply. He didn’t seem to understand the rules were put there to protect John.

“Yeah...anyway, I’ll be there. Who else is coming?” I asked. He continued to rattle off a list of people he had invited, and I was pleased to hear that I knew almost everyone which wasn’t always the case.

We sat for a while longer, chatting about silly things. It felt good to just be with my brother. It had been so long since I had spent any time with him really. When I had returned from England I had been too tired to truly appreciate it.

Eventually it begun to get dark and we made our way home. When we got there mom insisted that Kennedy stay for dinner. Complaining it had been too long since we had had a family dinner. Dinner went slowly, dad was complaining about Kennedy’s lack of career prospects and how I had better do better than him. I rolled my eyes. My father had such high expectations of me, that I had no intentions of living up to.

The rest of the night passed just as slowly. Eventually it was an appropriate time to excuse myself to go and do my homework. This sparked yet another rant at Kennedy about getting a proper job and giving up on the band. I was honestly shocked my brother hadn’t hit him yet. My father was an arsehole and part of the reason I was the way I was. Pressure from him on top of everything else had nearly crippled me.

I spent the rest of my evening doing homework, before eventually crawling into my comfy bed and falling asleep almost instantly. My dreams passed in a series of blurs. All I could remember is one face. I woke up in a sweat. Shaking. It had become a regular occurrence over the past few months. I cleaned myself off before climbing back into bed, in my futile attempt to get back to sleep. Something I knew wouldn’t happen. All I could do was hope God would have mercy on my soul tomorrow. Well, John would have mercy anyway.