Kiss Me Tenderly

“What?” They both stared at me, wide eyed, Alex in shock, Zack in disbelief.
“I said, get out of my house,” I repeated slowly. “If you’re going to disrespect the decision that Alex and I made together to honor my late wife, you are not welcome here.”
There was silence as blood continued to rush through my skull, beating against my temples, the coppery taste still strong on my tongue.
Finally, Zack snorted and turned away from me.
“Fine, dude, sorry, I was just looking out for my best mate,” I watched his indignant retreating back. “Seeya later, ‘Lex.”
I stood there stock still, Alex still looking at me in shock as the footsteps faded away from us. It stopped at the front door for a second or two, enough time for Alex to throw me a baleful look, turn, and run after Zack, calling, “Zack, wait!”
My heart sank to my stomach at that. I had a feeling that that was going to happen.
The door opened and slammed shut a second later and I sank to the floor, my head cradled in my hands. I stared down at the striations in the hardwood flooring, willing my burning eyes not to let tears fall. My face started to heat up and salt flooded my mouth to replace the taint of anger. Involuntarily, I sniffed and rubbed my nose against the denim covering my knee, dimly registering that it was rubbing it raw.
I mess everything up. I couldn’t even be cordial to Alex’s friend for two days and now I bet they both hate me. I would. Alex was so happy when he heard Zack was coming and I messed Alex’s happiness up and just… He doesn’t deserve that.
He doesn’t deserve me.
I don’t know how long I sat there in the hallway, trying to keep my breathing under control, just listening to the kids in the other room. My body felt like it was pulling apart at the seams, my fingers clenching and digging into my skin in an attempt to keep myself together. My eyes refused to let any sort of tear fall but kept stinging and I sniffled anyways. For a while, the front door didn’t reopen and a heavy sense of dread hung over me, settling into my bones like a thick wool blanket.
He couldn’t have left.
Could he?
I wonder if- No, I wasn’t going to think like that. Alex loves me.
I shook my head, my black and blonde hair flying into my eyes, trying to clear the bad thoughts out of my head.
No. Alex wouldn’t.
He can’t.
My ears pricked up when I heard the almost imperceptible sound of the front door opening and closing. My head jerked up and I could hear the quiet grunt of Alex struggling with his boots and the two soft thuds as they hit the floor. His footfalls came closer and closer and I kept my eyes trained at the corner that I knew he would have to turn to get to the main area of the house. Finally, Alex appeared, honey brown eyes still angry, everything about his body reading anger.
And that anger was directed at me.
In my head, I whimpered a little, just seeing him so pissed off at me shooting a lance of ice cold through my heart.
I guess I forgot how much it hurt to hurt the ones you loved.
Alex was still looked incredibly angry when he walked past me. For a split second, I yearned to reach out, touch his ankle, his hand, any part of him to pull him close, to whisper that I loved him, that I was so sorry for causing tension. But the moment passed and Alex stomped on by, slamming our bedroom door. I could hear him thumping around in there for a while and like little frightened bunnies, the children ran out of the living room.
“Daddy, Daddy, what’s happening, what’s going on?” Sassy and Missy wailed, throwing their arms around my neck, clearly scared because of the loud noises. Owen just looked at me like he didn’t understand: Where was his uncle Zack and his Dad?
“Alex is a little upset right now, okay, babies? Let’s just leave him alone for a while. C’mon, are you guys hungry? I bet you guys will like a grilled cheese and a lemonade for lunch, won’t you?”
I pushed up off the ground, my joints creaking from staying in one position for too long. Three little bodies skipped along side me, jabbering away. Well, two little bodies. One lagged behind, the feel of accusing daggers boring into my back following me all the way into the kitchen.
------------
I was just putting the kids to bed when Owen finally decided to act up. He refused to get dressed and get in bed if Alex wasn’t with him, sitting on his bed, crossing his little five year old arms firmly and locking me in a stare that was so reminiscent of Alex’s play stare that I felt winded. Nevertheless, I trudged upstairs, stopping outside the door, raised a hand to knock… And let it fall.
He’s probably still mad at me for messing up his day with Zack. Shit. I can’t do this.
But I have to. Fuck.
I sucked in a deep breath for courage but I knocked anyways, a few short taps and then I let my hand fall limply to my side again.
The door cracked open.
“What.” Alex’s voice was hoarse, as if he had been screaming for hours. He just sounded… Tired. My heart felt like it had collapsed in on itself, leaving a huge gaping pit where the bunch of muscle that kept me alive used to be.
“’Lex, Owen wants you to tuck him in.” My voice shook as I spoke those words, praying Alex would come out of our room.
Silence.
The door swung open and Alex attempted to push past me but I grabbed his arm, not letting him slip away from me so easily this time.
“Alex, wait-“
“What? Why, Jack? So you can be a complete and total ass to my best friend again?” Alex whipped around to face me again and I finally got to see his face for this first time almost all day. His cheeks were flushed but his eyes still had that angry undertone that was there from this morning.
“I didn’t mean-“
“Oh, of course you didn’t mean it! It just “slipped out”, didn’t it? Well, you know what, Jack? I’m starting to get real fucking sick of people treating my friends like crap, okay? It just sucks!” Alex was now completely red in the face, anger still flashing in his eyes.
The ugly head of my own anger reared and suddenly I was pissed off too.
“Well, maybe he shouldn’t have been such a dick about the two fucking pictures of Ven I have in the entire fucking house!” The blood that was pumping through my system rushed faster and faster, pushing the volume of my voice high and higher. “Aren’t you supposed to defend me? We are in this together, just because your best friend since birth comes back into town, it doesn’t mean that you don’t have to defend me anymore!”
Alex’s eyes narrowed and he took a step backwards.
“Don’t you fucking dare lay this on me, Jack Barakat,” Alex snarled, backing away from me. “You can sleep alone tonight, I’m going to sleep in the guest room. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a child to care for.”
Ouch. If only Alex knew how those words stole my breath away. And not even in a good way this time either. Zombie like, I stumbled back into the dark bedroom, not noticing the clothes littering the floor, the blankets tossed around the room, things just thrown in anger that their fucking idiot of a boyfriend threw their best friend out of their house because of a fucking picture.
I crawled into bed, clothes and all, pulling the comforter up to my neck, hoping to draw comfort from them.
I didn’t.
The sheets were so cold without him snuggling up to my side to keep me warm, the bed empty without his arms and legs spread out across the entire mattress, the room empty without his little snores. I stared at the ceiling for what felt like forever before I gave in and tugged Alex’s pillow from his side of the bed and cuddled up to it, burying my nose into it, inhaling his scent, trying to remember what it felt like when he slept next to me.
That’s when I let the tears loose and let them soak the material of Alex’s pillow, yearning for a man, not three bedrooms away from me.